Depression: Entry I (WARNING: Strong Language)
I'm depressed...............well, not really.
It's probably a combination of my natural melancholic temperament, and my living situation with my parents, which is the reason I feel really down right now.
I don't always have these moments, but once in a blue moon it happens. Coincidentally enough, the moon in the Hawaiian sky right now is full. No, I can have a depressing moment regardless of the current lunar phase.
Ack, fine. One of the Commandments is 'thou shalt not lie', so fine. Since I've hit puberty (which was a really long time ago), these 'moments' of mine have become more frequent, to the current point where I have one every other day.......or every day, depending.
These depressive moments are not very long, and vary in strength. The strongest of my moments can last for two hours before I forget why the *#@$ I was depressed in the first place. Sometimes the reason comes back, but very rarely does it disturb me.
I have an autistic brother, one that is getting worse and worse with each passing day. He stomps the floor constantly, and since we live in a house with wooden flooring, built on a frame, the stomping can be heard all around. He also makes noises constantly, and that's normal of students with autism, but that's not what gets me.
It the fact that my aunt, or auntie (whichever one you prefer), keeps going up to him, wherever he is (unless he's with social workers or teachers), and attempting to silence him. It's usually yelling, phrases to 'be quiet' when that is copied by my brother and serves to upset her more. Sometimes she makes this unpleasant sound of frustration that sounds like something between a whine and a scream, mixed in with a groan. You'd know it when you hear it. Sometimes she's so frustrated that she hits him. Not hard, and not anywhere vital, or enough to leave marks. Hits that you can administer to a child to discipline him/her, and never with her hands or feet. Usually using a thin stick of some sort.
Sometimes my mom and dad do the same things. IT IS NOT CHILD ABUSE. They never hit hard enough to cause any serious damage, and, unfortunately, coming from Southeast Asia to here at a young age, discipline by spanking and yelling is the only way they know how to control my brother's antics. I have tried to tell them alternatives, usually to just ignore my brother, since he will use the stomping and the noise just for attention, but nothing. Nothing has changed.
The screaming, the yelling, both at my brother and two younger sisters. My sisters will be 12 next year. At that age, anything they've learned in the past, they'll know forever. Constant spanking and frustration. #*@$in Nicki Minaj and other popular songs that glorify sex and chaos, partying and lyrics that are uncreative, unintelligent, and unproactive. Fashion and boys. Fucking Monster High and Bratz and Goddess Girl books. FUCKING Disney, that's teaches them to speak with things like 'holy granola bars' and 'cray cray', and glorifies light skin and (CONSTANTLY) hooking up girls with boys that stay within a certain criteria (good looking, not nerdy, clean, plays sports or an instrument, lives in a nice place, wears a certain kind of clothing, and attracts a lot of girls. Hearing my sisters talk and act the way they do because of their friends. They're emotional, naive TWINS. Thinking about what they could possibly become makes my want to tear my hair out.
And my parents and aunties? I can't go pursue my dream, and leave them to suffer in the hellhole that I put them in. Scientific fact proves that spouses become less happy when they have kids, and if I wasn't born, my parents wouldn't have felt pressure to have other children. My mom got pregnant before she married dad. A wedding FIVE months before my birth month? Either I was a premature baby or a bastard child. And I was completely healthy, at approximately 9lbs, when I was born. And my mom wouldn't lie about that.
It's my fault. If I wasn't born, my parents wouldn't have felt pressure to be married JUST for my sake. Why not give me up for adoption, and go pursue what they wanted? They would've been much happier that way, going down a path THEY chose, and I wouldn't have condemned them to that kind of life if I could help it.
They're family. Family is the one thing that doesn't change. I can only dream of being a scriptwriter, an actor, a performer. I can't leave my family in this hellhole that they're in. Because that what it is. And no one understands. No one fucking understands.
Everyone tells me that I should leave them. They don't know. No one knows. No one understands. I couldn't just selfishly leave, and just pursue my own happiness. Why should I be happy when everyone in my family is going to suffer because of it? Even Jesus Christ had competent people in his family. No one with a mental disorder. No one with parents and family that are so hypocritical, or judgmental, that they seem beyond help, even though they aren't. He never had to live with a stomping brother and frustrated, screaming parents. Or neighbors that stay up, play games, and SWEAR loudly enough for my parents to hear in their own room, until very late. Sometimes I go to sleep, listening them loudly scream, in shrill tones, profanity-filled phrases along the lines of, "You fucking fucker! Why can't you just ------ do it like a goddamn pro? Why am I always the one fucking respawning in this damn part of the goddamn game? Can't you fucking use you damn brain for once? FUCK YOU!!!! Fucking FUCK! FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"
My situation at home. The fact that at my college, if I don't get good grades and raise my GPA, I will be suspended next semester and I don't want that. The lack of growth in church. The neighbors. My parents. My lack of driving skills. My dreams. The fact that I may be depressed. My relationship with God.
Sometimes, at times, I just want to hold the gun to my head and pull the trigger. But then I realize, "Someone has it much worse than you out there! They may be depressed, but they gotta work their butts off because if they don't, they won't have a place to sleep, food to eat, clothing to wear, a roof overhead. Not you. You're pampered in this country. And you're so weak, you're gonna cry that you have depression. That's why you didn't walk at high school graduation. That's why you've managed to fail at least one class per semester. That's why you can't even pray to God now. Because you're "depressed". Depression is not a damn crutch, so snap out of it!!!!"
So, no. I'm not depressed. My life is pretty stressful, but, believe me, it's not all bad. I just......need a place to pour out my feelings from time to time. That's why I'm here. There is nowhere safe for me, not even at home. Even at home I have to put up walls, or my own family will hurt me and they'll have to answer to God Almighty for it. And I don't want that for them. I just want everyone to not hate themselves and their lives so much. Is that too much to ask?
Wait. Maybe I'm not depressed. Because I don't have just sad, suicidal moments all the time. I have happy moments, too.
Wait. Maybe I'm bipolar.
..............................well, I'm screwed.
~Indigo