(no subject)
feeling the need to post, but I don't have anything to say.
[or maybe it's that I have to much to say]
you never realize you'll miss physical human contact until it's gone.
and all I've needed for the past month is a damn hug.
it's the one thing I can't seem to get.
Cassie will be here on Friday and we're going to have birthday weekend extravaganza.
[which means we'll probably hang out in the apartment, watching movies, and getting drunk]
I'm glad she's coming.
I'm also a little fearful.
I've become such a recluse lately.
I hate leaving my apartment.
all I want to do, all day long, is lay on the couch and drink.
which I don't, I mean, there's
class
and work
and the need to buy cigarettes
occasionally the search for food will get me out too.
Today I went to the grocery store.
yay food!
??
and I just have to say it:
fuck philosophy.
fuck being good at it
fuck choosing to spend the rest of my life pursuing it.
you know what it amounts to?
the inability to stop thinking
about life, death, money, problems, politics, colors, words, books, movies, photographs, hats, lightbulbs, wigs, halloween, scrubs, my family, my friends, the friends who got away, the ones I'll never see again, the ones who are dead, how different my life could have been with a few simple changes, the mistakes I made, the mistakes I will make, the internet, television, video games, moral theories, languages, music, song lyrics, to-do lists, shopping lists, things I need, cleaning my apartment, my failed relationships, the men I loved, the ones that didn't love me, and the ones that did and I was too stupid to let them, finally buying that damn bed frame, spiders, fingernails, shampoo, religion, god, my mother.
and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
and on.
that's all philosophy ever gave me.
the inability to make my mind
shut. the. fuck. up.
So instead of relaxing I get to experience severe depression, mixed with innocuous thoughts,
every half hour.
and here's what really pisses me off.
I want to know why.
which is the whole reason I study philosophy in the first place.
[or maybe it's that I have to much to say]
you never realize you'll miss physical human contact until it's gone.
and all I've needed for the past month is a damn hug.
it's the one thing I can't seem to get.
Cassie will be here on Friday and we're going to have birthday weekend extravaganza.
[which means we'll probably hang out in the apartment, watching movies, and getting drunk]
I'm glad she's coming.
I'm also a little fearful.
I've become such a recluse lately.
I hate leaving my apartment.
all I want to do, all day long, is lay on the couch and drink.
which I don't, I mean, there's
class
and work
and the need to buy cigarettes
occasionally the search for food will get me out too.
Today I went to the grocery store.
yay food!
??
and I just have to say it:
fuck philosophy.
fuck being good at it
fuck choosing to spend the rest of my life pursuing it.
you know what it amounts to?
the inability to stop thinking
about life, death, money, problems, politics, colors, words, books, movies, photographs, hats, lightbulbs, wigs, halloween, scrubs, my family, my friends, the friends who got away, the ones I'll never see again, the ones who are dead, how different my life could have been with a few simple changes, the mistakes I made, the mistakes I will make, the internet, television, video games, moral theories, languages, music, song lyrics, to-do lists, shopping lists, things I need, cleaning my apartment, my failed relationships, the men I loved, the ones that didn't love me, and the ones that did and I was too stupid to let them, finally buying that damn bed frame, spiders, fingernails, shampoo, religion, god, my mother.
and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
and on.
that's all philosophy ever gave me.
the inability to make my mind
shut. the. fuck. up.
So instead of relaxing I get to experience severe depression, mixed with innocuous thoughts,
every half hour.
and here's what really pisses me off.
I want to know why.
which is the whole reason I study philosophy in the first place.