Oh yes, I remember that
Had a weird recollection moment today. Haven't felt like it since back in the middle school days.
Ever give an explanation in class and feel nervous the whole time you're talking it out, even if you know it's right? As you're talking you become aware of more and more eyes on you, but nobody talks and you have almost the complete attention of the class? Then, even if the teacher has verified your answer and continued on the subject some of that nervous feeling still trickles through your head and screws with your hands just enough to make them twitch? Then you replay the incident to see if you screwed something up and worry about what other people are thinking?
Maybe it's just me, but that was what it was like all through middle school. Somewhere in high school I started holding answers back. Maybe it was a fear of being wrong or failing somehow, or seeming like a no-it all, or an idiot, but at any rate I haven't kicked the sensation and today's lab session reminded me that I'm still afraid of screwing things up. It's alarming when you realize that even though something doesn't matter it still bothers you.
While I'd like to think that I've grown out of that fear to some degree, I know it still affects me every time I think I have a right answer, (in or out of the classroom) but wait to see if somebody else has the same one. Then I let them step out onto the front-line of the venture-a-guess battlefield and see if they find the mines or get mowed down by enemy fire before taking a step to back them up.
Seems like waiting is a good safety mechanism and whatnot, but someday I'd like to consistently run out on the front line without hesitation. Not mindlessly, but not caring so much about getting hurt.
Sometimes I feel like I jump into a completely different personality just to feel bulletproof and not care, but that it's one of my own invention and then I cannot figure out which personality is really mine and then I end up deciding I can be pretty much whatever I want/all of the above. Then the cycle starts over. Guess this is what it's like being a hamster in a wheel. Not really going anywhere, but still trying. Or maybe a hamster in a ball, with a little more freedom, but still feeling hindered but a giant plastic bubble. It's a silly analogy, but I needed some kind of closure on this thought trail and hamsters were the first thing I thought of.
Ever give an explanation in class and feel nervous the whole time you're talking it out, even if you know it's right? As you're talking you become aware of more and more eyes on you, but nobody talks and you have almost the complete attention of the class? Then, even if the teacher has verified your answer and continued on the subject some of that nervous feeling still trickles through your head and screws with your hands just enough to make them twitch? Then you replay the incident to see if you screwed something up and worry about what other people are thinking?
Maybe it's just me, but that was what it was like all through middle school. Somewhere in high school I started holding answers back. Maybe it was a fear of being wrong or failing somehow, or seeming like a no-it all, or an idiot, but at any rate I haven't kicked the sensation and today's lab session reminded me that I'm still afraid of screwing things up. It's alarming when you realize that even though something doesn't matter it still bothers you.
While I'd like to think that I've grown out of that fear to some degree, I know it still affects me every time I think I have a right answer, (in or out of the classroom) but wait to see if somebody else has the same one. Then I let them step out onto the front-line of the venture-a-guess battlefield and see if they find the mines or get mowed down by enemy fire before taking a step to back them up.
Seems like waiting is a good safety mechanism and whatnot, but someday I'd like to consistently run out on the front line without hesitation. Not mindlessly, but not caring so much about getting hurt.
Sometimes I feel like I jump into a completely different personality just to feel bulletproof and not care, but that it's one of my own invention and then I cannot figure out which personality is really mine and then I end up deciding I can be pretty much whatever I want/all of the above. Then the cycle starts over. Guess this is what it's like being a hamster in a wheel. Not really going anywhere, but still trying. Or maybe a hamster in a ball, with a little more freedom, but still feeling hindered but a giant plastic bubble. It's a silly analogy, but I needed some kind of closure on this thought trail and hamsters were the first thing I thought of.