(no subject)
lately life has been pretty crazy....i havent updated in a while because i have alot of things that i have to deal with....ive made new friends....new relationships.....and kept the old ones....
this weekend was fun ..up until last night....last night i got a call from my mom ....as everyone knows...my mom calls me when im out like every hour...and then she'll get mad at me if i dont answer her phone call like her 5 phone calls in a row.....ive lied to her about seeing chris....well not actually lied....just never acutally told her....
my parents are one to not wanting me to have a bf because they think it will distract me from school...which is true...that is one thing that i am FREAKING out about .....but i honeslty have the hardest time concentrating on it......espeacially with all of this drama going on around me.....and not only with me ...but my friends as well...my dad would literally probly have a heart attack if he found out i was dating chris....and the one thing that makes me this nervous is my mom calling me last night saying that she figured out i was dating chris......meanwhile i was at chris' house with the rest of the group.....and i started flipping out.....its like with me and my family....i feel like if i ever do anything that they dont ...or wouldnt approve of then that would seem ...to me....that im dissapointing them....that im like a dissapointment to them....thats how ive always felt about stuff in my house....ive always been the one to take care of things in my house....when my parents werent there.....whenever we yell or argue about stuff...its like ya of course the parent is always going to be right no matter what....and that their lives are twice as hard as mine is....but honestly ....THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON .....its insane...i cant just walk up to my mom and be like "guess what mom....i just got a new bf ...and i think you should be happy for me!" no it defeintly does not work like that...
i care about him so much....ive never felt this way about anybody....and i know that this is my first bf....and im trying so hard to keep everything together.....i dont want you to get freaked out by me telling you how much i care about you....just know that i do....it would kill me to have my parents not approve and hate me for making my decision....which im sure they wont approve but i just dont know how their going to react about this....my parents have been strict my entire life....they only want the best for me with everything i do...school ...a job....a life ....a guy...it doesnt matter...they always want the best for me ...which i cant blame them...but i dont know what to say to my mom about this... i want her to know about chris...i want both of my parents to know...but i dont want them to be upset with me at the same time.....i always try to be the upbeat and motivated person....but lately im so worried about everything in my life that it seriously takes so much out of me to be upbeat and outgoing.....i try so hard ...its not like i enjoy being put through this....i just put up with peoples shit and not complaign because i dont want to deal with the confrontation with things....i just want to be to myself and not worry about ANYTHING....
i dont know what else there is to say about this....i just hope that everything works out for the best