2:30 in the AM
and i should be in bed. but im not
Im tired of feeling tired. I want to enjoy myself but alot of the time i have felt unhappy or just kinda...bleh.
I miss having someones arms around me at night or someone to curl up against.
Im so scared to get into another relationship but I still want one.
I want someone who is truthful and caring. Someone who wont bullshit me.
But it seems i just have no luck.
Ive tried dating a girl and....i care about her but....i dont think I am good enough for her. I am older and need someone my age or older. Someone who has been places and knows what hell life really can be. But someone who can -still- find joy in things. Who can have fun.
I dont know if I want a guy or a girl. Hell right now I have crushes on both sexes. But thats all. just crushes. Ive only talked with said crushes what, two or three times? What the hell is wrong with me. I look at these people and they are pleasing to look at. I talk to them and find that they are alot of fun to talk to. And i instantly take a liking to them. This does change eventually into friendship or unrequited feelings. I dont know if i will ever say love again. being in love gets you fucking hurt.
Hell even caring a little bit gets me hurt. But i cant help myself. I fucking care about people. Im starting to hate it but then people like my Girl and Rob and Gretch come along and make me see that its Ok to care. That I am ok being me.
I just dont know anymore.
And as for the "Alt" lifestyle which i have been trying to explore bit by bit, i have discovered i am one of the few who are -directly- in the middle.I want to explore the Sub part of things. There are times when I will deny this but on a night like tonight.....I want to hand over everything to someone. to be told what to do, what i should be. That maybe i could if even for a minute be something someone was fucking proud of.
*sighs*
I just dont know anymore.
I wish.....and i know i should be careful but to hell with it....I wish someone caring and loving and who can pick me up by the scruff and set me straight would come along. Someone...tall and dark. To hell with handsome. Ive no taste for many "handsome" men. Someone who I am attracted to would be nice. hmm...not obese but not beanpole skinny. Mmm someone who can give great hugs.
*sigh* See here i go again. Dreaming of something that will be just that. A dream.
Thought things would be different once i hit 19....guess not
Im tired of feeling tired. I want to enjoy myself but alot of the time i have felt unhappy or just kinda...bleh.
I miss having someones arms around me at night or someone to curl up against.
Im so scared to get into another relationship but I still want one.
I want someone who is truthful and caring. Someone who wont bullshit me.
But it seems i just have no luck.
Ive tried dating a girl and....i care about her but....i dont think I am good enough for her. I am older and need someone my age or older. Someone who has been places and knows what hell life really can be. But someone who can -still- find joy in things. Who can have fun.
I dont know if I want a guy or a girl. Hell right now I have crushes on both sexes. But thats all. just crushes. Ive only talked with said crushes what, two or three times? What the hell is wrong with me. I look at these people and they are pleasing to look at. I talk to them and find that they are alot of fun to talk to. And i instantly take a liking to them. This does change eventually into friendship or unrequited feelings. I dont know if i will ever say love again. being in love gets you fucking hurt.
Hell even caring a little bit gets me hurt. But i cant help myself. I fucking care about people. Im starting to hate it but then people like my Girl and Rob and Gretch come along and make me see that its Ok to care. That I am ok being me.
I just dont know anymore.
And as for the "Alt" lifestyle which i have been trying to explore bit by bit, i have discovered i am one of the few who are -directly- in the middle.I want to explore the Sub part of things. There are times when I will deny this but on a night like tonight.....I want to hand over everything to someone. to be told what to do, what i should be. That maybe i could if even for a minute be something someone was fucking proud of.
*sighs*
I just dont know anymore.
I wish.....and i know i should be careful but to hell with it....I wish someone caring and loving and who can pick me up by the scruff and set me straight would come along. Someone...tall and dark. To hell with handsome. Ive no taste for many "handsome" men. Someone who I am attracted to would be nice. hmm...not obese but not beanpole skinny. Mmm someone who can give great hugs.
*sigh* See here i go again. Dreaming of something that will be just that. A dream.
Thought things would be different once i hit 19....guess not