I'm back
After taking some time to step back, reflect, mourn I am for some reason back to share my life with the world. Or anyone bored enough to come across my livejournal and stop for two seconds to read it.
I'm hear in my sister's house in Cincy wondering where did the time go. When did my little sister get old enough to rent a house? When did I get old enough to even contemplate marriage; let alone be engaged, be cheated on, and have the whole thing blow up in my face. When did we stop being little girls?
The last four months have been extremely hard. I won't even try to pretend about that. But I have been able to experience the amazing healing power that God can bestow on a persons life. I must admit that I'm a bit of a control freak. However, these past months I have let go and let God. I'm beginning to pay attention to whay he is telling me.
Things that I once felt were extremely important I have realized they are not. I feel like I am becoming more self efficent every day. I don't need to depend on someone all of the time. I can make myself happy. I do have a new boyfriend... but I don't NEED him to function. I do enjoy his company. I do like doing things with him and planning things for us. However, our relationship is not my top priority. And it's nice knowing that I don't have to consently think about his feelings or thoughts and trying to make him happy; but yet we still are. In the past, I never thought a relationship could work without putting your own wants and needs aside. However, none of the past relationships have worked.
I still find myself doing things that aren't healthy, and bottling up my emotions or doing something I don't really want to do because I think it will please him. And usually the pressure bottles up and I explode and he wasn't really wanting those actions anyways.
Sometimes I wish that we came into this world knowing everything that we would ever need to know. We would know how to make a splendid dinner, clean house in the most effective manner, function in relationships perfectly. Because if indeed we did, many of the heartache, wasted hours, and unproductiveness would have never happened. However, neither would the bonding moments between friends, endless hours of laughing at yourself for how stupidly you behaved, or moments like this where one can self reflect about the years that have gone past.
I am finally able to admit that I have no idea what the future will hold. I am still working on how to leave options open and not make definite plans and how not to get upset when said plans are not followed exactly accordingly to the lay out in my mind.
I'm hear in my sister's house in Cincy wondering where did the time go. When did my little sister get old enough to rent a house? When did I get old enough to even contemplate marriage; let alone be engaged, be cheated on, and have the whole thing blow up in my face. When did we stop being little girls?
The last four months have been extremely hard. I won't even try to pretend about that. But I have been able to experience the amazing healing power that God can bestow on a persons life. I must admit that I'm a bit of a control freak. However, these past months I have let go and let God. I'm beginning to pay attention to whay he is telling me.
Things that I once felt were extremely important I have realized they are not. I feel like I am becoming more self efficent every day. I don't need to depend on someone all of the time. I can make myself happy. I do have a new boyfriend... but I don't NEED him to function. I do enjoy his company. I do like doing things with him and planning things for us. However, our relationship is not my top priority. And it's nice knowing that I don't have to consently think about his feelings or thoughts and trying to make him happy; but yet we still are. In the past, I never thought a relationship could work without putting your own wants and needs aside. However, none of the past relationships have worked.
I still find myself doing things that aren't healthy, and bottling up my emotions or doing something I don't really want to do because I think it will please him. And usually the pressure bottles up and I explode and he wasn't really wanting those actions anyways.
Sometimes I wish that we came into this world knowing everything that we would ever need to know. We would know how to make a splendid dinner, clean house in the most effective manner, function in relationships perfectly. Because if indeed we did, many of the heartache, wasted hours, and unproductiveness would have never happened. However, neither would the bonding moments between friends, endless hours of laughing at yourself for how stupidly you behaved, or moments like this where one can self reflect about the years that have gone past.
I am finally able to admit that I have no idea what the future will hold. I am still working on how to leave options open and not make definite plans and how not to get upset when said plans are not followed exactly accordingly to the lay out in my mind.