Dissolved Girl
Wow. Haven't written in this in a while. I thought I had deleted it, but I'm kind of glad I didn't. I need a release...a release to something or someone. I can not trust anyone and the only person I can lives in fucking Ft. Myers. So I am now here....moved out, doing it on my own, broke up with Jeremy, have become my basic old self again, it seems. And when I say my old self, it's the pessimistic bitch that has been coming out. I can't completely say that I hate it. It feels natural.
My relationship ended because of feeling stuck. It was horrible when I felt trapped, he was always there and there is no nice way of saying "Get the fuck out of my house" Don't get me wrong I will always love Jeremy and I care about him but the sex was...sex. Like I was fucking just some guy. And I found myself resenting him more than loving him. I can't explain it better than it felt like we had grown apart. I found my eyes starting to wander and I had no hesitation in going out with guys to hang out, but for me it was like what was the matter with me, why am I not happy with this man? It fucking sucks. Because now that I'm single I thought I would be able to handle it that it would natural for me to just be single again...and then I realized...just how boring I really am. How I don't have any friends and I don't enjoy most people. As a matter of fact most people piss me the fuck off...selfish bitches, full of drama. And how guys have a bigger fucking vagina than I do. I would rather be by myself but then I think oh shit I'm going to be that work-a-holic bitch who has 20 cats...GREAT.
I have this problem...because I have a fucking mountain of empty beer boxes in my apartment...all of which belong to me. Since everything happened with my uncle and Jeremy I can't wait to drink....and forget smoking...geez its almost a pack within a few days now. I have completely lost faith in everyone and myself.
My parents aren't too much better either...well my dad is. My mom saw my newest tattoo and almost dumped a vile of holy water on me because it has a slight skullish shape. So now I'm the devil incarnate. I just feel bad for my dad..because he has to live with her at these points. I worked so hard to please people and be a great person...and for what? Girls have been talking about me behind my back and I'm almost ready to punch their face into the wall and tell them to get over themselves.
But let me say some positive things about my life. I'm breathing, doing awesome in school, fucking love the show House and if they ever cancel it I will find and kill them, living on my own rocks...mainly because...its me and only me...and I love me. No parties, no stupid roommates, just me and all my own shit, my time. I don't give a fuck if that's selfish but I love my "me" time.
The only problem with all this, is that when it comes down to it. I'm alone. Again.
I feel really lost.
~Dissolved Girl~
Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came
'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go
Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came
My relationship ended because of feeling stuck. It was horrible when I felt trapped, he was always there and there is no nice way of saying "Get the fuck out of my house" Don't get me wrong I will always love Jeremy and I care about him but the sex was...sex. Like I was fucking just some guy. And I found myself resenting him more than loving him. I can't explain it better than it felt like we had grown apart. I found my eyes starting to wander and I had no hesitation in going out with guys to hang out, but for me it was like what was the matter with me, why am I not happy with this man? It fucking sucks. Because now that I'm single I thought I would be able to handle it that it would natural for me to just be single again...and then I realized...just how boring I really am. How I don't have any friends and I don't enjoy most people. As a matter of fact most people piss me the fuck off...selfish bitches, full of drama. And how guys have a bigger fucking vagina than I do. I would rather be by myself but then I think oh shit I'm going to be that work-a-holic bitch who has 20 cats...GREAT.
I have this problem...because I have a fucking mountain of empty beer boxes in my apartment...all of which belong to me. Since everything happened with my uncle and Jeremy I can't wait to drink....and forget smoking...geez its almost a pack within a few days now. I have completely lost faith in everyone and myself.
My parents aren't too much better either...well my dad is. My mom saw my newest tattoo and almost dumped a vile of holy water on me because it has a slight skullish shape. So now I'm the devil incarnate. I just feel bad for my dad..because he has to live with her at these points. I worked so hard to please people and be a great person...and for what? Girls have been talking about me behind my back and I'm almost ready to punch their face into the wall and tell them to get over themselves.
But let me say some positive things about my life. I'm breathing, doing awesome in school, fucking love the show House and if they ever cancel it I will find and kill them, living on my own rocks...mainly because...its me and only me...and I love me. No parties, no stupid roommates, just me and all my own shit, my time. I don't give a fuck if that's selfish but I love my "me" time.
The only problem with all this, is that when it comes down to it. I'm alone. Again.
I feel really lost.
~Dissolved Girl~
Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came
'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go
Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came