Well, hello again.
It's been a while, hasn't it. Not actually sure when the last time I posted was - I'd have to go check. But damned if it hasn't been years. Mostly, not much to say, I guess. Life goes on - same job, wonderful girlfriend, moving around a bit. Doesn't seem like there's much to say, really.
Well, there hasn't been. Now... I suspect in the next few months there'll be more activity here. Possibly not, only time will really tell, but I expect I'll be needing to write some, and this is probably as good a place as any.
Jamie moved into her new dorm today. It's a mix of emotions for me - we got to tour the facilities - not just the dorms, but a lot of the campus. See the animals and some of the facilities, at least from the outside. It's a fantastic place, such an incredible opportunity. I can't believe she's lucky enough to get to do this - not because she doesn't deserve it, as she totally does, but this seems like the type of thing you only hear about from other people. "Oh yeah, I interned at the white house." "Oh yeah, I got financial advice free from Donald Trump." "Yeah, I got to study conservation efforts at the Smithsonian." I mean, it's just unreal. Real state of the art, top of the line facilities and people, and she's going to be there for 4 months. It's amazing.
But that's the kicker. She's going to be THERE for 4 months. Which means she's not going to be at home. In fact, I'm pretty sure that tonight will be the first time I've ever slept in this house without her here as well. And I have another 4 months of this.
She'll be home occasionally, of course. She's only 1.5 hours away, but it feels like more than that. And practically, it might as well be - if she's not home at night, it doesn't really matter where she is, does it?
I don't know that it's really kicked in yet. I think I'm still kind of numb. Like it's not real - like she'll just walk through the door in a few minutes or an hour or maybe tomorrow. Sometime. Sometime soon. I don't think it'll really kick in until I've come home to an empty house after a couple of days at work that she's not going to be home soon. Of course, it might also happen when I go to bed tonight to an empty bed, with only her stuffed animals to keep me company.
And I don't know how I should feel. I want her home. I can't imagine 4 months without her, but at the same time, it's such a fantastic opportunity for her, and I know that it's what she SHOULD be doing, and I would feel awful if she wasn't there. It's so conflicting - and it's hard to focus it, because there's not anything or anyone I can blame for it. Nothing that I can hate, or despise, to allow my emotions an outlet for release so I can let go of the negative and concentrate on the amazing.
I just wish I could figure out how to get past this. I dont' feel like doing anything right now - even playing video games seems like too much work. And I honestly wonder if it's more than Jamie going away. I've been wondering for a while now if I wasn't depressed - it seems like it's been fairly constant since the end of last year. I think a lot of it is job related, what with me being COMPLETELY useless at work right now. And I have been for months. My two contracts ended last year, in late summer, with a splurge of activity in November on one as we did our final test. But since then, I've had nothing to do, and it's not even like things will pick up in a few weeks - we have NO work on the horizon for my talents. So I think that's a large part of it.
Anyway, I'm sure I could go on. As I said at the beginning, I suspect I'll be on here for the next few months at least as I try to find some way to express myself without Jamie around. So yeah, hello there again - it's nice to see you all again.
Well, there hasn't been. Now... I suspect in the next few months there'll be more activity here. Possibly not, only time will really tell, but I expect I'll be needing to write some, and this is probably as good a place as any.
Jamie moved into her new dorm today. It's a mix of emotions for me - we got to tour the facilities - not just the dorms, but a lot of the campus. See the animals and some of the facilities, at least from the outside. It's a fantastic place, such an incredible opportunity. I can't believe she's lucky enough to get to do this - not because she doesn't deserve it, as she totally does, but this seems like the type of thing you only hear about from other people. "Oh yeah, I interned at the white house." "Oh yeah, I got financial advice free from Donald Trump." "Yeah, I got to study conservation efforts at the Smithsonian." I mean, it's just unreal. Real state of the art, top of the line facilities and people, and she's going to be there for 4 months. It's amazing.
But that's the kicker. She's going to be THERE for 4 months. Which means she's not going to be at home. In fact, I'm pretty sure that tonight will be the first time I've ever slept in this house without her here as well. And I have another 4 months of this.
She'll be home occasionally, of course. She's only 1.5 hours away, but it feels like more than that. And practically, it might as well be - if she's not home at night, it doesn't really matter where she is, does it?
I don't know that it's really kicked in yet. I think I'm still kind of numb. Like it's not real - like she'll just walk through the door in a few minutes or an hour or maybe tomorrow. Sometime. Sometime soon. I don't think it'll really kick in until I've come home to an empty house after a couple of days at work that she's not going to be home soon. Of course, it might also happen when I go to bed tonight to an empty bed, with only her stuffed animals to keep me company.
And I don't know how I should feel. I want her home. I can't imagine 4 months without her, but at the same time, it's such a fantastic opportunity for her, and I know that it's what she SHOULD be doing, and I would feel awful if she wasn't there. It's so conflicting - and it's hard to focus it, because there's not anything or anyone I can blame for it. Nothing that I can hate, or despise, to allow my emotions an outlet for release so I can let go of the negative and concentrate on the amazing.
I just wish I could figure out how to get past this. I dont' feel like doing anything right now - even playing video games seems like too much work. And I honestly wonder if it's more than Jamie going away. I've been wondering for a while now if I wasn't depressed - it seems like it's been fairly constant since the end of last year. I think a lot of it is job related, what with me being COMPLETELY useless at work right now. And I have been for months. My two contracts ended last year, in late summer, with a splurge of activity in November on one as we did our final test. But since then, I've had nothing to do, and it's not even like things will pick up in a few weeks - we have NO work on the horizon for my talents. So I think that's a large part of it.
Anyway, I'm sure I could go on. As I said at the beginning, I suspect I'll be on here for the next few months at least as I try to find some way to express myself without Jamie around. So yeah, hello there again - it's nice to see you all again.