(no subject)
I wish I could verbally communicate as effectively as I can in writing.
Or even in thinking.
I wish for one whole day I could actually just SAY what I'm thinking. Instead of thinking what I want to say, and then saying the complete opposite--which, coincidentally, I do without thinking.
I say no when I want to scream YES!!
I say nothing when I want to yell EVERYTHING!!
I hate myself and my thoughts and my actions so completely that it is starting to revolt me. As if I couldn't find any more reason to despise my entire being, I hate that I hate myself. That's got to be getting close to irony... More on the ridiculous side, but still.
Once again I've driven myself so deeply into myself that no one really understands me when I talk. Everyone takes me literally and misunderstands me. I try to express my concerns and my dislikes, and it gets so twisted that when all is said and done, somehow I'm the one that feels stupid and sorry.
This is a trend.
That can only mean one of two things, both of which are my fault...
There is something seriously wrong with the way I approach issues...
Or there is something seriously wrong with the way I express myself...
I can't figure out which, but I am running out of really shitty music to listen to, and none of it has yielded the kind of release I need.
I'm hurting.
And I am destroying myself in all respects.
I can't stop.
And nothing helps.
It gets to the point where I start to wonder if it will ever get better.
I have had a solid chunk of time where I was generally content, so I guess it's just part of the cycle.
I don't connect with anyone anymore. What the hell happened?
It's hilarious that I post on here. What a sad fucking thing. I am so desperate for someone to understand my brain function that I post this crap on the internet hoping someone will read it and give a shit. I could just as easily write this in a journal and stuff it under my mattress. Why do I have to burden the entire internet with my bullshit? Maybe that's why I haven't grown out of this shit yet...
Ignorance is truly bliss. Truly.
Or even in thinking.
I wish for one whole day I could actually just SAY what I'm thinking. Instead of thinking what I want to say, and then saying the complete opposite--which, coincidentally, I do without thinking.
I say no when I want to scream YES!!
I say nothing when I want to yell EVERYTHING!!
I hate myself and my thoughts and my actions so completely that it is starting to revolt me. As if I couldn't find any more reason to despise my entire being, I hate that I hate myself. That's got to be getting close to irony... More on the ridiculous side, but still.
Once again I've driven myself so deeply into myself that no one really understands me when I talk. Everyone takes me literally and misunderstands me. I try to express my concerns and my dislikes, and it gets so twisted that when all is said and done, somehow I'm the one that feels stupid and sorry.
This is a trend.
That can only mean one of two things, both of which are my fault...
There is something seriously wrong with the way I approach issues...
Or there is something seriously wrong with the way I express myself...
I can't figure out which, but I am running out of really shitty music to listen to, and none of it has yielded the kind of release I need.
I'm hurting.
And I am destroying myself in all respects.
I can't stop.
And nothing helps.
It gets to the point where I start to wonder if it will ever get better.
I have had a solid chunk of time where I was generally content, so I guess it's just part of the cycle.
I don't connect with anyone anymore. What the hell happened?
It's hilarious that I post on here. What a sad fucking thing. I am so desperate for someone to understand my brain function that I post this crap on the internet hoping someone will read it and give a shit. I could just as easily write this in a journal and stuff it under my mattress. Why do I have to burden the entire internet with my bullshit? Maybe that's why I haven't grown out of this shit yet...
Ignorance is truly bliss. Truly.