:: ideology
I am ideologically mixed up.
I've grown up saturated by post modern thinking so I'm sceptical of anything that resembles an ideologue or a belief system, inherently. For the first eighteen years of my life I was so sceptical I didn't believe in social norms or impalpable social contracts amongst groups of people. I felt like everyone was really bad at role playing, I didn't respect anyone who acted a part because the idea of "acting" in general (following a specific role) felt naturally alien to me. I think that's why I was always trying to be involved with the military growing up, because it went so far in the way of being mechanical and obvious that it was almost a refuge from actors everywhere (though ironically it probably has the worst actors of any group of people).
Somewhere around nineteen/twenty something "clicked" in my brain and I began to recognize social contracts, systems, networks and the importance of politics. Gradually I became more and more immersed in the kind of world everyone else seemed to have accepted so much earlier.
I'm not really sure why I was so nihilistic in the first place. I don't know if it was something that resulted in me getting harrassed, or resulted from. Maybe it was just adolescence and an growing brain, or maybe it was adolescence combined with some kind of imbalance creating a rift between myself and "normalcy". Who knows.
My blog always sounds quite different from my inner-monologue though. Everything comes out here as so refined and poignant, yet my mind is structurally weak and inconsistent when it tries finding the salient features of any principal or thing. Its almost as if something happens between my head and my fingers as I type. Who knows.
The point is, especially lately, that I've been bogged down with the feeling that I am post-everything. Recently, its been because of a work life which has little to no value to me as a human being, but in general, it has always bothered me on some level. The occurance of any belief-system or ideology bothers me. Religion bothers me. People that actually believe in and do well in their ineffectual careers bother me. Yet I was a "Boy Scout", and I still want to become a part of something--ideologically--that I truly believe in.
I've always wanted that. Unfortunately, I'm too civilized to have anything to die for and not civilized enough to look the other way. Sometimes, buried in books about the future of technology, radical pseudo-lefty political ideas, and philosophical accounts into some specific area of life, I find some kind of transitional solace in being guided to the realization that my only core belief is in the potential of imagination and what the human race is capable of. None of these answer for the universe, but sceptically I'll never have an answer for that, just as I am incapable (by nature) of any religion (Not to say that I envy religious people because if I were to turn to a belief system, as I sometimes do, it would be solely based in my best possible rationalization of contemporary scientific thought).
Maybe I (we) were born during a lull. I'm grateful (don't get me wrong) for having been born in an intellectual era post-"we almost have all the answers", but I still need some meaning in my life. I am a fringe thinker, most of what I'm saying here will have little to no value to most people who would dare reading it. However, the heart of the cultural shift I'm not-so-eloquently trying to describe is something that we're all familiar with, though it has seemed to afflict me differently because I am an emphatic moral agent not just of the people closest to me, but of all the things I see and hear about. I take way to much on my back as far as consciousness is concerned; I spend most of my waking hours deliberating and sizing up everything I am encountered with. I never have any definite answers and when I seem to here, I've always been lying.
The primary reason I have trouble interacting with people is because I put my deliberations on the world first and foremost, ahead of everything else. And I can't stop.
I guess a "healthy dose of scepticism" is a mixed blessing of some sort. I just wish I could find some kind of safe balance where my scepticism was satisfied, and my morals and devices validated. That means I'm not going to become a Scientologist.
I'm sorry if this makes little or no sense, I'm very, very, very exhausted.
I've grown up saturated by post modern thinking so I'm sceptical of anything that resembles an ideologue or a belief system, inherently. For the first eighteen years of my life I was so sceptical I didn't believe in social norms or impalpable social contracts amongst groups of people. I felt like everyone was really bad at role playing, I didn't respect anyone who acted a part because the idea of "acting" in general (following a specific role) felt naturally alien to me. I think that's why I was always trying to be involved with the military growing up, because it went so far in the way of being mechanical and obvious that it was almost a refuge from actors everywhere (though ironically it probably has the worst actors of any group of people).
Somewhere around nineteen/twenty something "clicked" in my brain and I began to recognize social contracts, systems, networks and the importance of politics. Gradually I became more and more immersed in the kind of world everyone else seemed to have accepted so much earlier.
I'm not really sure why I was so nihilistic in the first place. I don't know if it was something that resulted in me getting harrassed, or resulted from. Maybe it was just adolescence and an growing brain, or maybe it was adolescence combined with some kind of imbalance creating a rift between myself and "normalcy". Who knows.
My blog always sounds quite different from my inner-monologue though. Everything comes out here as so refined and poignant, yet my mind is structurally weak and inconsistent when it tries finding the salient features of any principal or thing. Its almost as if something happens between my head and my fingers as I type. Who knows.
The point is, especially lately, that I've been bogged down with the feeling that I am post-everything. Recently, its been because of a work life which has little to no value to me as a human being, but in general, it has always bothered me on some level. The occurance of any belief-system or ideology bothers me. Religion bothers me. People that actually believe in and do well in their ineffectual careers bother me. Yet I was a "Boy Scout", and I still want to become a part of something--ideologically--that I truly believe in.
I've always wanted that. Unfortunately, I'm too civilized to have anything to die for and not civilized enough to look the other way. Sometimes, buried in books about the future of technology, radical pseudo-lefty political ideas, and philosophical accounts into some specific area of life, I find some kind of transitional solace in being guided to the realization that my only core belief is in the potential of imagination and what the human race is capable of. None of these answer for the universe, but sceptically I'll never have an answer for that, just as I am incapable (by nature) of any religion (Not to say that I envy religious people because if I were to turn to a belief system, as I sometimes do, it would be solely based in my best possible rationalization of contemporary scientific thought).
Maybe I (we) were born during a lull. I'm grateful (don't get me wrong) for having been born in an intellectual era post-"we almost have all the answers", but I still need some meaning in my life. I am a fringe thinker, most of what I'm saying here will have little to no value to most people who would dare reading it. However, the heart of the cultural shift I'm not-so-eloquently trying to describe is something that we're all familiar with, though it has seemed to afflict me differently because I am an emphatic moral agent not just of the people closest to me, but of all the things I see and hear about. I take way to much on my back as far as consciousness is concerned; I spend most of my waking hours deliberating and sizing up everything I am encountered with. I never have any definite answers and when I seem to here, I've always been lying.
The primary reason I have trouble interacting with people is because I put my deliberations on the world first and foremost, ahead of everything else. And I can't stop.
I guess a "healthy dose of scepticism" is a mixed blessing of some sort. I just wish I could find some kind of safe balance where my scepticism was satisfied, and my morals and devices validated. That means I'm not going to become a Scientologist.
I'm sorry if this makes little or no sense, I'm very, very, very exhausted.