Book 5, Chapter 9: Close Enough to Start a War
Title: Close Enough to Start a War
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Dominic/Billy
Word Count: 5758
Summary: Two men walk into a bar, the evening after this.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
This day had gone on longer than Dominic had planned in more ways than one. He’d had his regular lectures and a make-up lab, revising for an exam, and three papers to reread and spell check and read again just to be sure before printing. In the middle of all of that had been more coffee than was probably healthy unless one were a philosophy professor, and an accidental chat with Elijah that had been strange and disturbingly natural, as if everything that had happened between just--hadn’t. Dominic had considered going home early to Billy’s, perhaps stopping at the bakery for those sweet cakes that Billy liked so much, or to the chaotic little corner shop for a few basics he could turn into a brilliant dinner without much in the way of thought--something nice, something good, something to help him regroup before an even kinder evening.
Instead, Dominic had found himself stopping outside a pub two blocks from Billy’s neighborhood, too tired to take a step further than one that would lead him inside, to wrap his hands around a glass carrying something cold and wet, and slightly inebriating if he was lucky.
He’d run full-tilt to Billy’s office after that rattling talk with Elijah, needing that calm port in a storm, but Billy hadn't been there, and waiting for nearly a quarter hour hadn’t made him appear. Dominic had left for the library, then, and come back an hour later to find still no Billy--no reply to Dominic's knock and nothing to chase away the thoughts that Elijah had left him with. Close enough now to Billy's home, and certain that by this point Billy must have made it there as well, Dominic had been suddenly hesitant to take the last turns down the familiar streets. He feels stupid for having wanted the safety of Billy's office and company, for having needed it after what anyone watching would have just called a normal conversation with another student, and not the minefield Elijah could make out of the slightest glance. Dominic knows he's stronger than that, and can almost hear Billy telling him so.
Despite Billy's words--his insistence that he wants Dominic, in his home, in his bed, in his life--Dominic can't push down the idea that’s come over him several times in the last few hours, that tonight his presence might be interrupting something, some plans, or that perhaps Billy simply wants to be alone for a change. That thought leaves him feeling a little empty-irritated, too, as he’s more than aware of the need for solitude now--but it's one he can't shake once it's taken up residence in his mind.
He fears he's become dependent on Billy--knows he's dependent on him; feels like he’s being consumed by need and want and love and the rest of it. He acutely feels the dynamics of the relationship; his perception of what Billy wants and needs leaves him still unable to believe sometimes that he can offer the type of companionship he feels Billy deserves. He certainly can't offer him a proper family, no matter how little Billy seems to want one. His position in Billy's life still feels uncertain, and he wonders--despite their history together, or maybe because of it--if Billy wouldn't be better off without him.
And it feels awful.
At the bar and cradling his glass, Dominic decides the whole situation is just too much. He can't face going back to Billy's right now--doesn’t want a fight or apologies, though he couldn’t say with any certainty that there’s reason for either. The girl to his right’s been chattering nonstop for fifteen minutes, desperately trying to catch his eye and attention, and it makes him feel even worse, that he can’t even offer her the politeness of a smile.
She doesn’t seem to need the encouragement to continue her barrage, and for that Dominic is strangely appreciative. He sits, staring into a second gin and wishes it were something better, but he only has enough in his wallet for one more drink and that one probably a lager. Another few quid and he’d have enough to make a little more scarce the memory of Elijah--not just their conversation today, but enough to wipe Elijah cleanly from his thoughts altogether and find some escape from the thoughts that feel like confirmation that his company isn't enough. That Billy would prefer the companionship of someone his own age, someone with whom he has more in common, someone smarter. Someone who wears lipstick and smells nice, someone who’d stand and fight the way Billy loves to best, rather than run from confrontation with him.
Putting his last bit of money down, he orders ale and a chaser, bracing himself when the girl next to him takes a deep breath. Dominic doesn't have a chance to turn around fully and see what's caught her attention before Billy places a gentle hand on his shoulder, stilling him. Billy slides on to the stool at Dominic's opposite side and leans in to the bartender with a thin smile, ordering a whiskey before he turns to face Dominic.
"You look far from home,” Billy says calmly, only the vaguest hint of unsettled concern in his eyes. “Can I get you something?"
Dominic blinks, uncomprehending for a moment before he picks up his glass, indicating he's sorted. The bartender sets Billy's drink down and they're both silent for a bit before Dominic leans his elbows on the bar, speaking quietly.
"I should tell you, I have a boyfriend. Big, mean bloke. Jealous type." Billy tilts his head, and Dominic can tell he’s amused, especially when the girl stares and then collects her clutch, moving two stools down, her back to them both now. Dominic's smile at Billy is fleeting, then he shrugs and shakes his head. "Though, I guess what he doesn't know, right?”
“Ignorance is bliss.”
“Exactly. You want to grab a booth over there?"
"I think so, yeah." Billy’s eyes run sleepy and warm over Dominic's body before he stands. "You keep an eye out for that bloke, and I'll just pretend he doesn't exist, yeah?"
Billy walks backward away from the bar, carrying his drink, keeping his gaze on Dominic as they make their way to the booth. He motions Dominic to sit and moves far into his own side before he relaxes again, propping one foot up on the opposite seat. His fingers run over the edge of his whiskey glass, circling it, and he stares into Dominic's eyes, knowing he has Dominic’s attention. Billy's smile creeps slowly over his face, and Dominic's warmed by the idea that he's good with this little game, this different sort of play-that this is something they both need and want.
"D'you have a name?" Billy asks once Dominic's settled across from him. "Or do I just make one up for you? And what the hell are you drinking?"
"Ale." Swirling the glass and swallowing the liquid down, Dominic grimaces. "I started with gin, if that helps.”
“When has it ever?”
“You’re right. You'd better make up the name. Wouldn't want this to get around. Might ruin my reputation."
The thought of anything being able to ruin his reputation after the time he had spent with Elijah steals Dominic's smile, and he finds he's not quite drunk enough to keep the blush from his cheeks. He hides his discomfort by sliding down in his seat, not meeting Billy's eyes even though he can feel Billy willing him back, willing strength into him for this and whatever else he needs. This Billy's meant to be a virtual stranger, though, and finding his courage again, Dominic raises his eyes, intentionally focusing on Billy's lips while licking his own.
"So, what about you? Attached to anyone in particular?"
"Getting ahead of yourself, Liam," Billy says easily, a hint of gravel in the back of his throat. "Just so we're clear, your reputation is right down there with your bloke on the list of my concerns. Y'can call me Philip if you'd like. Do you like?"
Before Dominic can answer that, Billy catches the eye of the pub's sole waitress, and after a moment of conversation, a fresh drink appears for Dominic, who notices that Billy's been careful not to change Dominic's order, however awful cheap gin sounds and surely tastes; that will be for Dominic to decide-as could many other things tonight, Dominic thinks.
"Actually, I've got someone at home just like you," Billy says, lowering his voice and trailing his fingers across the dark wood table. "Just softer 'round the eyes and shoulders. But he's not here, and you are. You almost have the look of a runner to you, Liam. What are you running from?"
Dominic can't help but smile at that description of himself, and he reaches a long finger out to stroke one of Billy's knuckles. "Everything and nothing, I think. Sometimes..."
Dominic considers his words carefully. He takes another swallow of gin and winces, but finds what he was looking for--words that need less looking after. "This guy--my boyfriend, I guess--is older. Smart. Brilliant, actually. Incredibly sexy. I fell in love before he could even pronounce my name properly. And sometimes I wonder why he's with me. I mean--I know he loves me. I don't doubt that at all. But why me."
Taking another long drink, and setting the empty glass back down, Dominic stretches his legs out underneath the table, leaning them against Billy's, avoiding the look in Billy’s eyes that has moved from that empty glass back to Dominic. "So, not that you needed the plea to go with the evidence, I’m pretty fucked up, Philip. Bet your boy's nothing like me. Bet he's--"
"He's perfect." Dominic meets Billy's eyes, then and Billy nods slowly, continuing. "He's driven and stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, and I can't keep my eyes or hands off him, even when I know everything can crash down around us like--that. I wake up half the time thinking he's about to run from me, and maybe he should, but if he did he might as well take me down with him." Billy smiles again, raising his glass. “Hell and back, but he’s the best company there.”
Billy shifts on his seat so his legs can spread open a little under the booth, catching Dominic's between them. "I think anyone who'd let you run off on a night like this is an idiot. He might lose you to me if we're not careful. Another?"
Dominic hums amiably, resting his chin on his hand. "Something warm. Warmer."
“You’ve had enough of that, haven’t you?” Billy breaks character for a moment before shaking his head and calling the server back over. He orders another round for himself and coffee for Dominic while Dominic watches heavy-lidded, warm and pleased as he thinks of Billy's description of him. He lets out a low breath and reaches for Billy's hand again when the girl leaves, just holding it loosely, fingers twining almost absently in Billy's.
"Might be your lucky night, Philip; I think I’m going to let you take your chances with me. Just for tonight, though; don’t get ahead of yourself. The thing you’ve got to understand is that I don’t run from my professor, yeah? I love him. If we’re talking about running, I run to him, don’t I? At him. Not away. I didn't even get far tonight. I was going to head back home soon and ask for forgiveness.”
“Do you need to be forgiven?” Billy tilts his head again. “I mean other than for your choice in gin.”
“Not for anything I’ve--done, like. Not today at least. My thoughts, maybe.” Dominic laughs though it’s without humor, and leans back in his seat again, pulling his hand away and running it under his thin t-shirt. “I tried to blot them out, you know? I didn’t have enough in my wallet to get quite that far.”
"Must have been strong thoughts. Christ, Liam, a professor." Billy leans back too, turning to smile at the waitress when she returns; the smile doesn’t vanish after she’s left them again and looks back at Dominic. "What were you thinking? Academic types are bastards, the worst of the breed." He takes a long drink before he speaks again, lowering his voice a little more. "Perhaps your professor's at fault, here, and not you. Have you considered that? D'you suppose you're owed an apology?"
Dominic shakes his head but doesn’t say anything, looking at his hands wrapped around the warm mug of coffee. Billy’s silent for a long time, obviously not up to confessing any crime even if there were some weighing on him. "You deserve better than someone who'll let you disappear out from under him,” he says finally, and Dominic looks up to see Billy’s smile gone now, replaced by something thinner, deadly and kind at once. “Consider yourself stolen."
Dominic hums gently, nodding as if he’s doing just that, considering it before he leans forward to sip at his drink, feeling its warmth. Billy waits him out patiently, and Dominic rewards him with a slow, conspiratorial smile of his own. "He's a good man. If he knew I was sitting in a pub feeling sorry for myself, he’d come for me. He’d take me home, and I’d apologize. Doesn't matter now, though, if someone else comes to the rescue. I might not even be missed." Billy snorts at that, and sitting back in the booth, Dominic extends his hand, his fingers tracing patterns over Billy's open palm. "Do you miss your boy when you're away from him? How often do you have to forgive him for the most random shite on top of the important stuff? Is he worth it?”
“You’ve got no idea.”
It’s said so plainly that Dominic gives in to the blush that wants to cross his cheeks, and he stares at the table before he speaks again, hearing his own words slurry now. “You’re right, I don’t. Or I don’t think I do. It’s like I can’t make anything right for him. Us.”
“I’m not sure it’s your responsibility.”
Dominic laughs at that, shaking his head and lifting the cup of coffee in a mock toast. “Good thing, too.”
“You’re a piece of work, aren’t you, Liam,” Billy says softly once Dominic’s put the coffee back down. Dominic takes his time to look at Billy then, at medium alarm and high but tired defense, his arms now crossed over his chest. For a long while he stares out at the bar, around the room like each other person in there’s holding one of the words he needs to speak again. “I don’t know anyone walking around without the need for a little forgiveness, from themselves as much as anyone else. Maybe some of us want it more than we need it.”
Billy reaches to tip back the last of his drink, his eyes watery and face flushed as he sets the glass back down and leans forward again. “You’ve got enough rough grace to spare us both, don’t you. D'you think your professor'd do me damage if I took advantage of his loss, Liam? Would you?”
“I might,” Dominic says before he can think it through. His heart feels like it’s racing suddenly, his mind working to catch up to Billy’s, too. "If you were a stranger to me, I might. I feel like I know you, though. Maybe he wouldn't mind just this once." Catching Billy’s hand as it drifts in the damp circles his glass has left on the table, Dominic brings it closer, turning his face against Billy’s palm.
"What about that one you’ve got just like me, hmm?” Dominic murmurs, his tongue darting out to taste the trace of salt on Billy’s warm skin. "’s he going t’bite if he finds my scent on you? I know boys like him."
"We’ll have to test him and me both," Billy says calmly. His eyes have fallen to half-mast, and Dominic smile at the sounds of Billy’s breath catching when Dominic's tongue traces a sharp line in his palm. "You’d better make it worthwhile, Liam. Leave a mark so we'll both remember the risk."
Dominic closes his eyes and hears the echo of that as Billy pulls his hand away and slides from his side of the booth to stand. When he opens them again, Billy’s pushing his wallet back down into his pocket and scanning the room carefully, his gaze stopping at the back hall before he nods.
"I'll give you a minute," Billy says slowly, carefully. "Come find me when you’re ready. Probably in your best interests even if you’re not."
Dominic watches Billy leave, watches him shove hands in pockets and walk the length of the bar to the hallway far behind the lavs, lit only by what looks like an ancient smoke-ball pendant fixture. The shadows and light here cast a reddish gold glow over the walls-just enough light, Dominic supposes, for what they want, what they need. Counting off the seconds in his mind, Dominic waits, his breath coming short and shallow and all his willpower going to curling his hands into fists on the heavily lacquered tabletop. A slow sixty later, and he's ready. Excited.
He closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose before he stands. Once on his feet, he sways a bit, steadying himself with one hand. The pub is dark, busy enough to keep the bartender and waitress occupied, and the patrons lost either to each other or their own miseries. Past the bar and down the hall, Dominic stops at the loo, his fingers on the door for a long moment as he stares into the longer darkness where Billy stands. Again Dominic sways on his feet, his legs feeling boneless before he propels himself forward. At the end of the corridor, he leans his shoulder against the wall and drops his bag at his feet. "Hi."
"Hello." Billy pushes Dominic gently to his back and holds Dominic's face in his hands, turning his chin before his lips ghost over Dominic's jaw, his cheek, his eyelids, everywhere but his lips. This close, Billy smells of expensive wine and his cheap, emergency rations cigarettes, but Dominic doesn't have time or energy to overthink it now. "D'you want this, hmm?" Billy murmurs, his hands falling to Dominic's waist, resting on his belt for a moment before his fingers make scattered, quick and silent work of opening it. Billy trails two long, thin fingers inside Dominic's low-slung jeans, just barely touching his hipbone and moving below, before Billy's lips find Dominic's. Dominic moves forward, pressing their bodies together for only a moment, as long as the kiss lasts, and then he pulls back, lips swollen and dark, and Billy laughs, low and sweet.
"Quieter than I thought you’d be, you. Does your professor keep you that way?”
“No,” Dominic breathes. “Yes. No. Sometimes.”
“Because I wouldn't dream of it; I want to hear you."
"Give me a reason t’be loud, then.” Dominic shivers at Billy’s next touch, and has to recover before he breaks character and composure and just-breaks entirely. “He's good to me. Loves to hear me." Billy curves his hand over the rise of Dominic’s cock, and Dominic draws in breath between his teeth and reaches to curl his fingers into the hair at the back of Billy’s neck, tugging him closer. "When I can get a word in, anyway. Takes a lot out of him to shut it sometimes, I think."
Billy closes his eyes, suppressing the sound and retort that Dominic knows wants to escape from his throat, and turns his head, nudging his cheek against Dominic's until Dominic's tighter grip on his neck holds him still, and Billy opens glassy, unfocused eyes to struggle meeting Dominic's gaze.
"I think you're right," Billy says softly, sliding one hand from inside Dominic’s jeans to his hip, steadying himself for a moment before that hand strokes down Dominic’s length, caught tight against the denim now. "Your professor's a fucking fool. I may not let you go back."
Dominic groans, his shoulders hitting the wall behind him hard. It's dark and the sounds from the bar are muted, the music sounding tinny. The short hairs at the nape of Billy's neck are soft as is the skin of his back when Dominic slips his fingers down inside his shirt collar. Dragging Billy with him, Dominic steps backward and then turns, pushes Billy against the opposite wall, kissing him roughly to cover the sound of Billy’s only half-bitten-off grunt of surprise. Pulling away, Dominic nuzzles his cheek against Billy's, relishing the feel of Billy's hand clutching at him now and knowing he’s winning this game, even if he hadn’t thought of it first or been consulted on the rules. He keeps his voice low, calm as Billy’s but more weighted with challenge under the playacting. "He's a good man, I told you. He’d fight for me. He’s in love with me. No one else.” Another kiss confirms that for both of them, and Dominic has to struggle to turn from it this time. “I should have gone home. I'm sorry I didn’t."
"I'm not." Billy laughs again, then lowers his voice, his breath hot on Dominic's skin. "You’re home now, yeah? Here with me." He moves against Dominic's body almost unconsciously, Dominic thinks, eager for more and harder contact in a way he’s rarely shown, and his breath comes out in short gasps as he turns his head for another kiss, then another. Billy's hands move from Dominic's arms to his waist again, fingers drifting underneath Dominic's shirt to rake across the taut skin of his stomach. "There," Billy says under his breath. “There you are-”
The words flip something visceral and intense inside Dominic, and he finds Billy's hands, holding them hard against the wall as they kiss. Dominic begins to grind his hips against Billy's, feeling the material of Billy's trousers rough against his own jeans and then against his cock as the denim shifts, sliding down his hips just enough. Cool air plays across the small of Dominic’s back and he arches a little, feeling Billy's resolve breaking as first his knees then his thighs part and Dominic moves forward, trapping him. They lose coordination on the kiss, hips parrying against each other in ragged, disjointed rhythm, and end up simply sharing breath, staring into each other's eyes while Dominic moves against Billy.
He can feel Billy struggle to free his hands, so holds tighter, the small bones of Billy’s wrists delicate and protesting beneath his fingers. Their breathing grows shallower and more erratic until Dominic knows he is close and Billy’s not far behind. Billy gasps and chatters, rising on his toes to shove up and at Dominic, his entire body straining for release, and Dominic takes a deep breath and then tilts his head, leaning closer, and the moment Dominic's teeth sink into his skin, Billy gives, hissing out curse after curse, clearly ignoring the fact that they could be heard in favour of dragging Dominic closer against him.
The rush of energy doesn’t last, though; from the last look of him Dominic can take before he has to close his own eyes, Billy’s shocked pliant by what they’ve just done-what he’s let Dominic do-and he doesn’t struggle or demand Dominic work harder or better or anything now, just encourages him with whispered nonsense Dominic can feel forming in Billy’s chest before it escapes his lips. Dominic aches for Billy to touch him, to bring him off hard and fast now, but can’t find it in himself to release Billy’s hands just yet; which of them is more caught is something Dominic can’t answer and after heady, perfect mess of a moment doesn’t need to.
The music rattles on around them, while their own breaths harmonize in their chests and throats. Dominic's hands still hold Billy fast against the wall, but his grip has loosened, enough that Billy could free himself if he tried, Dominic knows. “There you are,” Billy says again finally, less triumph in it this time than relief. "D’you see where running gets us, Dom? If you're wanting a chase, you've got it." Billy nudges his cheek against Dominic's, exhausted and his voice shattered. "And if you thought I'd let you go that easily, you've lost your mind. You're coming home with me."
Dominic releases Billy's hands as he nods, then takes a step back, giving Billy just enough room to breathe before he slides his hand gently into the inside breast pocket of Billy’s jacket. It’s the safest sort of familiarity, this, knowing he’ll find something there to clean them both up a little, and Billy doesn’t fight it when Dominic works open his trousers to do just that. Billy doesn’t do much of anything, truthfully; his eyes are closed now, his head leaning back against the wall and his heart slowing. Dominic feels almost shy without the adrenaline backing him up, and he cleans himself up more quickly, tucking himself back into his jeans just in time to hear someone stumbling down the hall behind them. As the man nears, Dominic shields Billy with his own body, running his fingers through the soft, damp hair at the back of Billy's neck and waiting in silence until they hear the click of the lock on the loo door.
Dominic stands up straighter, mumbling an apology he’s not sure he needs to make, but when he tries to meet Billy’s eyes he’s distracted by the mark he’s left on Billy, alternately proud and horrified that it’s already darkening on Billy’s pale skin. Finding his voice, Dominic lets it offer more apologies until Billy stops him, pressing his hand gently and flat on Dominic’s chest.
“Don’t. You’ve got t’stop doing that.”
“You said--”
“I did, yeah. Feels like a hundred years ago.”
"I was scared,” Dominic says, answering a question he hasn’t been asked, then staring at the floor between them. “I hate being afraid."
“Dom--” Billy starts, then inhales deeply, slowly. “What of, Dom. Tell me. I can’t-I don’t have the energy to fight it out of you.”
Their drunken friend spills out of the lav, then, ignoring them on his back to the bar for more. Dominic’s unashamedly grateful for the interruption, reaching down to grab the bag at his feet before he tugs at Billy, too, walking them both unsteadily to the end of the hall. It’s still raining, and Billy hangs back a moment, hesitant, but Dominic’s desperate to get out of the pub now, and the look he throws over his shoulder is enough to convince Billy, who nods and moves with him.
The rain feels cool against Dominic’s skin and he turns his face upwards, closing his eyes. He can hear Billy curse again, softly this time, and the sound of Billy’s shoes as he steps away and into a small alcove. There’s no full escape from the rain back here, Dominic knows, and doesn’t care; it seems to wash away a little of the weight of Billy's stare along with everything else tonight has left on them. Dominic opens his eyes after a moment and laughs nervously, certain he’s about to look as ridiculous as it gets, reaching for Billy and kissing him outside in this dirty weather, with their faces and clothes already streaked and damp from sweat.
Pulling away, Dominic stands with his eyes shut tight, wondering if he has the courage to tell Billy the truth. His mind flashes back onto having seen Elijah earlier, and how Elijah’s pills had once made him feel; it’s in these moments that he thinks he could use some of that courage, however false it was.
"I'm scared of losing you, Billy," he finally says, opening his eyes and reaching for Billy again, bringing their foreheads to rest against each other. Billy doesn’t say anything, but the words are on his lips-Dominic can almost feel them there-and so Dominic shakes his head slowly. "No. You’ve got to let me say it. I am. I’m scared of losing you, scared of keeping you, and I’m tired of waiting, Billy; it’s just too much, and I’m--tired. I’m exhausted, and it feels like I’m going insane sometimes."
“You’re not,” Billy says hotly, and Dominic covers Billy’s lips with his own again, as if to quiet them both. Billy lets him for a long while, nudging against Dominic more gently now but still with his hands clutching at Dominic’s waist, holding him there. When Dominic pulls away this time, Billy takes a deep breath and bares his teeth a little, and Dominic goes still, watching Billy’s eyes turn dark and narrowed, not in anger, but in something Dominic recognizes better.
“What did I tell you, Dom? You’re not alone in this; you’re not the only one carrying it, d’you not understand that? I see you every fucking day holding on better than I ever have or would where you’re standing, and I can’t believe you’re still-there, still here with me, when I’ve given you a hundred reasons to run like hell away from me. What do you think it’s like, telling you we haven’t got any choice here? When I say we’ve got to work harder, d’you think I’m talking only to you?”
“No.” Dominic shakes his head again, and Billy’s hands catch his face, his thumbs pushing Dominic’s chin up, forcing their eyes to meet again. “This isn’t what it’s supposed to feel like, though, Billy; it’s not supposed to be this hard--”
“You don’t think so?”
Dominic blinks; the shift from Billy’s heated release of his own frustration to this, so much softer, is hard to take, but Billy’s still talking. “I think it is. I think it’s supposed to be the hardest thing we ever do, because it’s supposed to be worth it in the end. Don’t ask me to explain it, Dom; I don’t have anything to give you there, because there’s nothing-I don’t have any … foundation in this, yeah? I’ve never put the work in. I never wanted to.”
Dominic ducks his head, relieved when Billy lets him. “You picked the wrong time to start then, didn’t you.” Billy’s grip tightens on another sharp breath, and then he releases Dominic, taking a step back. Dominic looks up again, panicked enough just by that, but Billy’s face is placid now, his hands loose at his sides.
“Come home with me.”
“Billy, what--”
“Whoever you need to be and for whatever reason, just come home with me. I’ll walk you through that chaos I live in and everything I’ve ignored for months because the only thing that matters to me right now is getting us through, Dominic, getting across that damned finished line. And then you’ll sleep, better than y’do anywhere else and next to someone who doesn’t sleep without you, and then tomorrow you can tell me I picked the wrong time or the wrong person, as if I had a choice, as if it works that way.” Billy takes a breath and Dominic stands frozen, both regretting that he’d started this tonight and almost delirious with pleasure listening to this. “Tell me then that it’s still worth the risk, Dominic. I need to hear it. I’ll say it as many times as I have to, but I need to hear it as well.”
Dominic nods and closes the space Billy’s created between them, grateful now that the rain’s slowed; they’re still soaked through, and he doesn’t want to think about the mess they’ll leave in Billy’s car, wherever it is, but it feels better than being back inside the pub, still playing a game they both won and lost at once.
“What happened today?” Dominic asks him quietly, and Billy shakes his head fast and hard, then sags a little in Dominic’s grip. “Billy.”
“No. Not now.”
“That bad?” Dominic says it lightly, in jest, but Billy turns his head, and under the little light that streetlamp offers them, he looks as if he might be sick before he recovers and leans back against the brickwork. Dominic panics again, wondering how much and what Billy’s had or done already this day as the recent memory of that scent of wine comes over him, but he pushes it down hard, catching Billy’s face in his hands this time. “Doesn’t matter--”
“Everything matters--”
“No.” It comes out too loudly, and Billy flinches in Dominic’s grip. “No. Not this time, right? We’ll go home. I’ll tell you, Billy, I’ll tell you everything, okay? After you sleep. We made-I made a mistake, yeah? We should have just gone home, so now we’ll just-go. Where’s the car?”
“Parked in front of the house.” Billy laughs when Dominic stares at him wide-eyed. “Can y’believe it? It happens sometimes. Especially when I leave that fucking school earlier than I’m supposed to.”
“You’ve been home?”
“No.” Billy looks up, flinching again, this time at the streetlight’s sudden hum and brighter gaze. “I just left the car there, and … walked over here. I’ve been all over this pathetic little town this afternoon, Dom, and out around it; you don’t want to know. And all of a sudden it was like for the first time in my life I had to get out of that car; I couldn’t bear it. Like the walls were closing in.” He pauses, and when he looks back down at Dominic’s he forced his expression calmer again, the Billy Dominic’s familiar with but sometimes feels like he knows both less and more every week. “Come home with me.”
Dominic nods.
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Dominic/Billy
Word Count: 5758
Summary: Two men walk into a bar, the evening after this.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
This day had gone on longer than Dominic had planned in more ways than one. He’d had his regular lectures and a make-up lab, revising for an exam, and three papers to reread and spell check and read again just to be sure before printing. In the middle of all of that had been more coffee than was probably healthy unless one were a philosophy professor, and an accidental chat with Elijah that had been strange and disturbingly natural, as if everything that had happened between just--hadn’t. Dominic had considered going home early to Billy’s, perhaps stopping at the bakery for those sweet cakes that Billy liked so much, or to the chaotic little corner shop for a few basics he could turn into a brilliant dinner without much in the way of thought--something nice, something good, something to help him regroup before an even kinder evening.
Instead, Dominic had found himself stopping outside a pub two blocks from Billy’s neighborhood, too tired to take a step further than one that would lead him inside, to wrap his hands around a glass carrying something cold and wet, and slightly inebriating if he was lucky.
He’d run full-tilt to Billy’s office after that rattling talk with Elijah, needing that calm port in a storm, but Billy hadn't been there, and waiting for nearly a quarter hour hadn’t made him appear. Dominic had left for the library, then, and come back an hour later to find still no Billy--no reply to Dominic's knock and nothing to chase away the thoughts that Elijah had left him with. Close enough now to Billy's home, and certain that by this point Billy must have made it there as well, Dominic had been suddenly hesitant to take the last turns down the familiar streets. He feels stupid for having wanted the safety of Billy's office and company, for having needed it after what anyone watching would have just called a normal conversation with another student, and not the minefield Elijah could make out of the slightest glance. Dominic knows he's stronger than that, and can almost hear Billy telling him so.
Despite Billy's words--his insistence that he wants Dominic, in his home, in his bed, in his life--Dominic can't push down the idea that’s come over him several times in the last few hours, that tonight his presence might be interrupting something, some plans, or that perhaps Billy simply wants to be alone for a change. That thought leaves him feeling a little empty-irritated, too, as he’s more than aware of the need for solitude now--but it's one he can't shake once it's taken up residence in his mind.
He fears he's become dependent on Billy--knows he's dependent on him; feels like he’s being consumed by need and want and love and the rest of it. He acutely feels the dynamics of the relationship; his perception of what Billy wants and needs leaves him still unable to believe sometimes that he can offer the type of companionship he feels Billy deserves. He certainly can't offer him a proper family, no matter how little Billy seems to want one. His position in Billy's life still feels uncertain, and he wonders--despite their history together, or maybe because of it--if Billy wouldn't be better off without him.
And it feels awful.
At the bar and cradling his glass, Dominic decides the whole situation is just too much. He can't face going back to Billy's right now--doesn’t want a fight or apologies, though he couldn’t say with any certainty that there’s reason for either. The girl to his right’s been chattering nonstop for fifteen minutes, desperately trying to catch his eye and attention, and it makes him feel even worse, that he can’t even offer her the politeness of a smile.
She doesn’t seem to need the encouragement to continue her barrage, and for that Dominic is strangely appreciative. He sits, staring into a second gin and wishes it were something better, but he only has enough in his wallet for one more drink and that one probably a lager. Another few quid and he’d have enough to make a little more scarce the memory of Elijah--not just their conversation today, but enough to wipe Elijah cleanly from his thoughts altogether and find some escape from the thoughts that feel like confirmation that his company isn't enough. That Billy would prefer the companionship of someone his own age, someone with whom he has more in common, someone smarter. Someone who wears lipstick and smells nice, someone who’d stand and fight the way Billy loves to best, rather than run from confrontation with him.
Putting his last bit of money down, he orders ale and a chaser, bracing himself when the girl next to him takes a deep breath. Dominic doesn't have a chance to turn around fully and see what's caught her attention before Billy places a gentle hand on his shoulder, stilling him. Billy slides on to the stool at Dominic's opposite side and leans in to the bartender with a thin smile, ordering a whiskey before he turns to face Dominic.
"You look far from home,” Billy says calmly, only the vaguest hint of unsettled concern in his eyes. “Can I get you something?"
Dominic blinks, uncomprehending for a moment before he picks up his glass, indicating he's sorted. The bartender sets Billy's drink down and they're both silent for a bit before Dominic leans his elbows on the bar, speaking quietly.
"I should tell you, I have a boyfriend. Big, mean bloke. Jealous type." Billy tilts his head, and Dominic can tell he’s amused, especially when the girl stares and then collects her clutch, moving two stools down, her back to them both now. Dominic's smile at Billy is fleeting, then he shrugs and shakes his head. "Though, I guess what he doesn't know, right?”
“Ignorance is bliss.”
“Exactly. You want to grab a booth over there?"
"I think so, yeah." Billy’s eyes run sleepy and warm over Dominic's body before he stands. "You keep an eye out for that bloke, and I'll just pretend he doesn't exist, yeah?"
Billy walks backward away from the bar, carrying his drink, keeping his gaze on Dominic as they make their way to the booth. He motions Dominic to sit and moves far into his own side before he relaxes again, propping one foot up on the opposite seat. His fingers run over the edge of his whiskey glass, circling it, and he stares into Dominic's eyes, knowing he has Dominic’s attention. Billy's smile creeps slowly over his face, and Dominic's warmed by the idea that he's good with this little game, this different sort of play-that this is something they both need and want.
"D'you have a name?" Billy asks once Dominic's settled across from him. "Or do I just make one up for you? And what the hell are you drinking?"
"Ale." Swirling the glass and swallowing the liquid down, Dominic grimaces. "I started with gin, if that helps.”
“When has it ever?”
“You’re right. You'd better make up the name. Wouldn't want this to get around. Might ruin my reputation."
The thought of anything being able to ruin his reputation after the time he had spent with Elijah steals Dominic's smile, and he finds he's not quite drunk enough to keep the blush from his cheeks. He hides his discomfort by sliding down in his seat, not meeting Billy's eyes even though he can feel Billy willing him back, willing strength into him for this and whatever else he needs. This Billy's meant to be a virtual stranger, though, and finding his courage again, Dominic raises his eyes, intentionally focusing on Billy's lips while licking his own.
"So, what about you? Attached to anyone in particular?"
"Getting ahead of yourself, Liam," Billy says easily, a hint of gravel in the back of his throat. "Just so we're clear, your reputation is right down there with your bloke on the list of my concerns. Y'can call me Philip if you'd like. Do you like?"
Before Dominic can answer that, Billy catches the eye of the pub's sole waitress, and after a moment of conversation, a fresh drink appears for Dominic, who notices that Billy's been careful not to change Dominic's order, however awful cheap gin sounds and surely tastes; that will be for Dominic to decide-as could many other things tonight, Dominic thinks.
"Actually, I've got someone at home just like you," Billy says, lowering his voice and trailing his fingers across the dark wood table. "Just softer 'round the eyes and shoulders. But he's not here, and you are. You almost have the look of a runner to you, Liam. What are you running from?"
Dominic can't help but smile at that description of himself, and he reaches a long finger out to stroke one of Billy's knuckles. "Everything and nothing, I think. Sometimes..."
Dominic considers his words carefully. He takes another swallow of gin and winces, but finds what he was looking for--words that need less looking after. "This guy--my boyfriend, I guess--is older. Smart. Brilliant, actually. Incredibly sexy. I fell in love before he could even pronounce my name properly. And sometimes I wonder why he's with me. I mean--I know he loves me. I don't doubt that at all. But why me."
Taking another long drink, and setting the empty glass back down, Dominic stretches his legs out underneath the table, leaning them against Billy's, avoiding the look in Billy’s eyes that has moved from that empty glass back to Dominic. "So, not that you needed the plea to go with the evidence, I’m pretty fucked up, Philip. Bet your boy's nothing like me. Bet he's--"
"He's perfect." Dominic meets Billy's eyes, then and Billy nods slowly, continuing. "He's driven and stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, and I can't keep my eyes or hands off him, even when I know everything can crash down around us like--that. I wake up half the time thinking he's about to run from me, and maybe he should, but if he did he might as well take me down with him." Billy smiles again, raising his glass. “Hell and back, but he’s the best company there.”
Billy shifts on his seat so his legs can spread open a little under the booth, catching Dominic's between them. "I think anyone who'd let you run off on a night like this is an idiot. He might lose you to me if we're not careful. Another?"
Dominic hums amiably, resting his chin on his hand. "Something warm. Warmer."
“You’ve had enough of that, haven’t you?” Billy breaks character for a moment before shaking his head and calling the server back over. He orders another round for himself and coffee for Dominic while Dominic watches heavy-lidded, warm and pleased as he thinks of Billy's description of him. He lets out a low breath and reaches for Billy's hand again when the girl leaves, just holding it loosely, fingers twining almost absently in Billy's.
"Might be your lucky night, Philip; I think I’m going to let you take your chances with me. Just for tonight, though; don’t get ahead of yourself. The thing you’ve got to understand is that I don’t run from my professor, yeah? I love him. If we’re talking about running, I run to him, don’t I? At him. Not away. I didn't even get far tonight. I was going to head back home soon and ask for forgiveness.”
“Do you need to be forgiven?” Billy tilts his head again. “I mean other than for your choice in gin.”
“Not for anything I’ve--done, like. Not today at least. My thoughts, maybe.” Dominic laughs though it’s without humor, and leans back in his seat again, pulling his hand away and running it under his thin t-shirt. “I tried to blot them out, you know? I didn’t have enough in my wallet to get quite that far.”
"Must have been strong thoughts. Christ, Liam, a professor." Billy leans back too, turning to smile at the waitress when she returns; the smile doesn’t vanish after she’s left them again and looks back at Dominic. "What were you thinking? Academic types are bastards, the worst of the breed." He takes a long drink before he speaks again, lowering his voice a little more. "Perhaps your professor's at fault, here, and not you. Have you considered that? D'you suppose you're owed an apology?"
Dominic shakes his head but doesn’t say anything, looking at his hands wrapped around the warm mug of coffee. Billy’s silent for a long time, obviously not up to confessing any crime even if there were some weighing on him. "You deserve better than someone who'll let you disappear out from under him,” he says finally, and Dominic looks up to see Billy’s smile gone now, replaced by something thinner, deadly and kind at once. “Consider yourself stolen."
Dominic hums gently, nodding as if he’s doing just that, considering it before he leans forward to sip at his drink, feeling its warmth. Billy waits him out patiently, and Dominic rewards him with a slow, conspiratorial smile of his own. "He's a good man. If he knew I was sitting in a pub feeling sorry for myself, he’d come for me. He’d take me home, and I’d apologize. Doesn't matter now, though, if someone else comes to the rescue. I might not even be missed." Billy snorts at that, and sitting back in the booth, Dominic extends his hand, his fingers tracing patterns over Billy's open palm. "Do you miss your boy when you're away from him? How often do you have to forgive him for the most random shite on top of the important stuff? Is he worth it?”
“You’ve got no idea.”
It’s said so plainly that Dominic gives in to the blush that wants to cross his cheeks, and he stares at the table before he speaks again, hearing his own words slurry now. “You’re right, I don’t. Or I don’t think I do. It’s like I can’t make anything right for him. Us.”
“I’m not sure it’s your responsibility.”
Dominic laughs at that, shaking his head and lifting the cup of coffee in a mock toast. “Good thing, too.”
“You’re a piece of work, aren’t you, Liam,” Billy says softly once Dominic’s put the coffee back down. Dominic takes his time to look at Billy then, at medium alarm and high but tired defense, his arms now crossed over his chest. For a long while he stares out at the bar, around the room like each other person in there’s holding one of the words he needs to speak again. “I don’t know anyone walking around without the need for a little forgiveness, from themselves as much as anyone else. Maybe some of us want it more than we need it.”
Billy reaches to tip back the last of his drink, his eyes watery and face flushed as he sets the glass back down and leans forward again. “You’ve got enough rough grace to spare us both, don’t you. D'you think your professor'd do me damage if I took advantage of his loss, Liam? Would you?”
“I might,” Dominic says before he can think it through. His heart feels like it’s racing suddenly, his mind working to catch up to Billy’s, too. "If you were a stranger to me, I might. I feel like I know you, though. Maybe he wouldn't mind just this once." Catching Billy’s hand as it drifts in the damp circles his glass has left on the table, Dominic brings it closer, turning his face against Billy’s palm.
"What about that one you’ve got just like me, hmm?” Dominic murmurs, his tongue darting out to taste the trace of salt on Billy’s warm skin. "’s he going t’bite if he finds my scent on you? I know boys like him."
"We’ll have to test him and me both," Billy says calmly. His eyes have fallen to half-mast, and Dominic smile at the sounds of Billy’s breath catching when Dominic's tongue traces a sharp line in his palm. "You’d better make it worthwhile, Liam. Leave a mark so we'll both remember the risk."
Dominic closes his eyes and hears the echo of that as Billy pulls his hand away and slides from his side of the booth to stand. When he opens them again, Billy’s pushing his wallet back down into his pocket and scanning the room carefully, his gaze stopping at the back hall before he nods.
"I'll give you a minute," Billy says slowly, carefully. "Come find me when you’re ready. Probably in your best interests even if you’re not."
Dominic watches Billy leave, watches him shove hands in pockets and walk the length of the bar to the hallway far behind the lavs, lit only by what looks like an ancient smoke-ball pendant fixture. The shadows and light here cast a reddish gold glow over the walls-just enough light, Dominic supposes, for what they want, what they need. Counting off the seconds in his mind, Dominic waits, his breath coming short and shallow and all his willpower going to curling his hands into fists on the heavily lacquered tabletop. A slow sixty later, and he's ready. Excited.
He closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose before he stands. Once on his feet, he sways a bit, steadying himself with one hand. The pub is dark, busy enough to keep the bartender and waitress occupied, and the patrons lost either to each other or their own miseries. Past the bar and down the hall, Dominic stops at the loo, his fingers on the door for a long moment as he stares into the longer darkness where Billy stands. Again Dominic sways on his feet, his legs feeling boneless before he propels himself forward. At the end of the corridor, he leans his shoulder against the wall and drops his bag at his feet. "Hi."
"Hello." Billy pushes Dominic gently to his back and holds Dominic's face in his hands, turning his chin before his lips ghost over Dominic's jaw, his cheek, his eyelids, everywhere but his lips. This close, Billy smells of expensive wine and his cheap, emergency rations cigarettes, but Dominic doesn't have time or energy to overthink it now. "D'you want this, hmm?" Billy murmurs, his hands falling to Dominic's waist, resting on his belt for a moment before his fingers make scattered, quick and silent work of opening it. Billy trails two long, thin fingers inside Dominic's low-slung jeans, just barely touching his hipbone and moving below, before Billy's lips find Dominic's. Dominic moves forward, pressing their bodies together for only a moment, as long as the kiss lasts, and then he pulls back, lips swollen and dark, and Billy laughs, low and sweet.
"Quieter than I thought you’d be, you. Does your professor keep you that way?”
“No,” Dominic breathes. “Yes. No. Sometimes.”
“Because I wouldn't dream of it; I want to hear you."
"Give me a reason t’be loud, then.” Dominic shivers at Billy’s next touch, and has to recover before he breaks character and composure and just-breaks entirely. “He's good to me. Loves to hear me." Billy curves his hand over the rise of Dominic’s cock, and Dominic draws in breath between his teeth and reaches to curl his fingers into the hair at the back of Billy’s neck, tugging him closer. "When I can get a word in, anyway. Takes a lot out of him to shut it sometimes, I think."
Billy closes his eyes, suppressing the sound and retort that Dominic knows wants to escape from his throat, and turns his head, nudging his cheek against Dominic's until Dominic's tighter grip on his neck holds him still, and Billy opens glassy, unfocused eyes to struggle meeting Dominic's gaze.
"I think you're right," Billy says softly, sliding one hand from inside Dominic’s jeans to his hip, steadying himself for a moment before that hand strokes down Dominic’s length, caught tight against the denim now. "Your professor's a fucking fool. I may not let you go back."
Dominic groans, his shoulders hitting the wall behind him hard. It's dark and the sounds from the bar are muted, the music sounding tinny. The short hairs at the nape of Billy's neck are soft as is the skin of his back when Dominic slips his fingers down inside his shirt collar. Dragging Billy with him, Dominic steps backward and then turns, pushes Billy against the opposite wall, kissing him roughly to cover the sound of Billy’s only half-bitten-off grunt of surprise. Pulling away, Dominic nuzzles his cheek against Billy's, relishing the feel of Billy's hand clutching at him now and knowing he’s winning this game, even if he hadn’t thought of it first or been consulted on the rules. He keeps his voice low, calm as Billy’s but more weighted with challenge under the playacting. "He's a good man, I told you. He’d fight for me. He’s in love with me. No one else.” Another kiss confirms that for both of them, and Dominic has to struggle to turn from it this time. “I should have gone home. I'm sorry I didn’t."
"I'm not." Billy laughs again, then lowers his voice, his breath hot on Dominic's skin. "You’re home now, yeah? Here with me." He moves against Dominic's body almost unconsciously, Dominic thinks, eager for more and harder contact in a way he’s rarely shown, and his breath comes out in short gasps as he turns his head for another kiss, then another. Billy's hands move from Dominic's arms to his waist again, fingers drifting underneath Dominic's shirt to rake across the taut skin of his stomach. "There," Billy says under his breath. “There you are-”
The words flip something visceral and intense inside Dominic, and he finds Billy's hands, holding them hard against the wall as they kiss. Dominic begins to grind his hips against Billy's, feeling the material of Billy's trousers rough against his own jeans and then against his cock as the denim shifts, sliding down his hips just enough. Cool air plays across the small of Dominic’s back and he arches a little, feeling Billy's resolve breaking as first his knees then his thighs part and Dominic moves forward, trapping him. They lose coordination on the kiss, hips parrying against each other in ragged, disjointed rhythm, and end up simply sharing breath, staring into each other's eyes while Dominic moves against Billy.
He can feel Billy struggle to free his hands, so holds tighter, the small bones of Billy’s wrists delicate and protesting beneath his fingers. Their breathing grows shallower and more erratic until Dominic knows he is close and Billy’s not far behind. Billy gasps and chatters, rising on his toes to shove up and at Dominic, his entire body straining for release, and Dominic takes a deep breath and then tilts his head, leaning closer, and the moment Dominic's teeth sink into his skin, Billy gives, hissing out curse after curse, clearly ignoring the fact that they could be heard in favour of dragging Dominic closer against him.
The rush of energy doesn’t last, though; from the last look of him Dominic can take before he has to close his own eyes, Billy’s shocked pliant by what they’ve just done-what he’s let Dominic do-and he doesn’t struggle or demand Dominic work harder or better or anything now, just encourages him with whispered nonsense Dominic can feel forming in Billy’s chest before it escapes his lips. Dominic aches for Billy to touch him, to bring him off hard and fast now, but can’t find it in himself to release Billy’s hands just yet; which of them is more caught is something Dominic can’t answer and after heady, perfect mess of a moment doesn’t need to.
The music rattles on around them, while their own breaths harmonize in their chests and throats. Dominic's hands still hold Billy fast against the wall, but his grip has loosened, enough that Billy could free himself if he tried, Dominic knows. “There you are,” Billy says again finally, less triumph in it this time than relief. "D’you see where running gets us, Dom? If you're wanting a chase, you've got it." Billy nudges his cheek against Dominic's, exhausted and his voice shattered. "And if you thought I'd let you go that easily, you've lost your mind. You're coming home with me."
Dominic releases Billy's hands as he nods, then takes a step back, giving Billy just enough room to breathe before he slides his hand gently into the inside breast pocket of Billy’s jacket. It’s the safest sort of familiarity, this, knowing he’ll find something there to clean them both up a little, and Billy doesn’t fight it when Dominic works open his trousers to do just that. Billy doesn’t do much of anything, truthfully; his eyes are closed now, his head leaning back against the wall and his heart slowing. Dominic feels almost shy without the adrenaline backing him up, and he cleans himself up more quickly, tucking himself back into his jeans just in time to hear someone stumbling down the hall behind them. As the man nears, Dominic shields Billy with his own body, running his fingers through the soft, damp hair at the back of Billy's neck and waiting in silence until they hear the click of the lock on the loo door.
Dominic stands up straighter, mumbling an apology he’s not sure he needs to make, but when he tries to meet Billy’s eyes he’s distracted by the mark he’s left on Billy, alternately proud and horrified that it’s already darkening on Billy’s pale skin. Finding his voice, Dominic lets it offer more apologies until Billy stops him, pressing his hand gently and flat on Dominic’s chest.
“Don’t. You’ve got t’stop doing that.”
“You said--”
“I did, yeah. Feels like a hundred years ago.”
"I was scared,” Dominic says, answering a question he hasn’t been asked, then staring at the floor between them. “I hate being afraid."
“Dom--” Billy starts, then inhales deeply, slowly. “What of, Dom. Tell me. I can’t-I don’t have the energy to fight it out of you.”
Their drunken friend spills out of the lav, then, ignoring them on his back to the bar for more. Dominic’s unashamedly grateful for the interruption, reaching down to grab the bag at his feet before he tugs at Billy, too, walking them both unsteadily to the end of the hall. It’s still raining, and Billy hangs back a moment, hesitant, but Dominic’s desperate to get out of the pub now, and the look he throws over his shoulder is enough to convince Billy, who nods and moves with him.
The rain feels cool against Dominic’s skin and he turns his face upwards, closing his eyes. He can hear Billy curse again, softly this time, and the sound of Billy’s shoes as he steps away and into a small alcove. There’s no full escape from the rain back here, Dominic knows, and doesn’t care; it seems to wash away a little of the weight of Billy's stare along with everything else tonight has left on them. Dominic opens his eyes after a moment and laughs nervously, certain he’s about to look as ridiculous as it gets, reaching for Billy and kissing him outside in this dirty weather, with their faces and clothes already streaked and damp from sweat.
Pulling away, Dominic stands with his eyes shut tight, wondering if he has the courage to tell Billy the truth. His mind flashes back onto having seen Elijah earlier, and how Elijah’s pills had once made him feel; it’s in these moments that he thinks he could use some of that courage, however false it was.
"I'm scared of losing you, Billy," he finally says, opening his eyes and reaching for Billy again, bringing their foreheads to rest against each other. Billy doesn’t say anything, but the words are on his lips-Dominic can almost feel them there-and so Dominic shakes his head slowly. "No. You’ve got to let me say it. I am. I’m scared of losing you, scared of keeping you, and I’m tired of waiting, Billy; it’s just too much, and I’m--tired. I’m exhausted, and it feels like I’m going insane sometimes."
“You’re not,” Billy says hotly, and Dominic covers Billy’s lips with his own again, as if to quiet them both. Billy lets him for a long while, nudging against Dominic more gently now but still with his hands clutching at Dominic’s waist, holding him there. When Dominic pulls away this time, Billy takes a deep breath and bares his teeth a little, and Dominic goes still, watching Billy’s eyes turn dark and narrowed, not in anger, but in something Dominic recognizes better.
“What did I tell you, Dom? You’re not alone in this; you’re not the only one carrying it, d’you not understand that? I see you every fucking day holding on better than I ever have or would where you’re standing, and I can’t believe you’re still-there, still here with me, when I’ve given you a hundred reasons to run like hell away from me. What do you think it’s like, telling you we haven’t got any choice here? When I say we’ve got to work harder, d’you think I’m talking only to you?”
“No.” Dominic shakes his head again, and Billy’s hands catch his face, his thumbs pushing Dominic’s chin up, forcing their eyes to meet again. “This isn’t what it’s supposed to feel like, though, Billy; it’s not supposed to be this hard--”
“You don’t think so?”
Dominic blinks; the shift from Billy’s heated release of his own frustration to this, so much softer, is hard to take, but Billy’s still talking. “I think it is. I think it’s supposed to be the hardest thing we ever do, because it’s supposed to be worth it in the end. Don’t ask me to explain it, Dom; I don’t have anything to give you there, because there’s nothing-I don’t have any … foundation in this, yeah? I’ve never put the work in. I never wanted to.”
Dominic ducks his head, relieved when Billy lets him. “You picked the wrong time to start then, didn’t you.” Billy’s grip tightens on another sharp breath, and then he releases Dominic, taking a step back. Dominic looks up again, panicked enough just by that, but Billy’s face is placid now, his hands loose at his sides.
“Come home with me.”
“Billy, what--”
“Whoever you need to be and for whatever reason, just come home with me. I’ll walk you through that chaos I live in and everything I’ve ignored for months because the only thing that matters to me right now is getting us through, Dominic, getting across that damned finished line. And then you’ll sleep, better than y’do anywhere else and next to someone who doesn’t sleep without you, and then tomorrow you can tell me I picked the wrong time or the wrong person, as if I had a choice, as if it works that way.” Billy takes a breath and Dominic stands frozen, both regretting that he’d started this tonight and almost delirious with pleasure listening to this. “Tell me then that it’s still worth the risk, Dominic. I need to hear it. I’ll say it as many times as I have to, but I need to hear it as well.”
Dominic nods and closes the space Billy’s created between them, grateful now that the rain’s slowed; they’re still soaked through, and he doesn’t want to think about the mess they’ll leave in Billy’s car, wherever it is, but it feels better than being back inside the pub, still playing a game they both won and lost at once.
“What happened today?” Dominic asks him quietly, and Billy shakes his head fast and hard, then sags a little in Dominic’s grip. “Billy.”
“No. Not now.”
“That bad?” Dominic says it lightly, in jest, but Billy turns his head, and under the little light that streetlamp offers them, he looks as if he might be sick before he recovers and leans back against the brickwork. Dominic panics again, wondering how much and what Billy’s had or done already this day as the recent memory of that scent of wine comes over him, but he pushes it down hard, catching Billy’s face in his hands this time. “Doesn’t matter--”
“Everything matters--”
“No.” It comes out too loudly, and Billy flinches in Dominic’s grip. “No. Not this time, right? We’ll go home. I’ll tell you, Billy, I’ll tell you everything, okay? After you sleep. We made-I made a mistake, yeah? We should have just gone home, so now we’ll just-go. Where’s the car?”
“Parked in front of the house.” Billy laughs when Dominic stares at him wide-eyed. “Can y’believe it? It happens sometimes. Especially when I leave that fucking school earlier than I’m supposed to.”
“You’ve been home?”
“No.” Billy looks up, flinching again, this time at the streetlight’s sudden hum and brighter gaze. “I just left the car there, and … walked over here. I’ve been all over this pathetic little town this afternoon, Dom, and out around it; you don’t want to know. And all of a sudden it was like for the first time in my life I had to get out of that car; I couldn’t bear it. Like the walls were closing in.” He pauses, and when he looks back down at Dominic’s he forced his expression calmer again, the Billy Dominic’s familiar with but sometimes feels like he knows both less and more every week. “Come home with me.”
Dominic nods.