Book 3, Chapter 9: Every Tale Taller than the One Before
Title: Every Tale Taller than the One Before
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Billy, Elijah, Dominic
Word count: 4050
Summary: Learning lessons the hard way.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
Dominic's constant small movements and wide, slightly frantic eyes are what nearly destroy Billy day after day in this class. Had this disaster between them happened with any other student, Billy would have recommended if not demanded that said student find another seminar, and quickly, with Billy's blessing, approval and occasionally powerful signature. But this is not any other student, and Billy knows that beyond the damage he's caused Dominic, he can get him through this final year. He can see him graduated-moving on, again with Billy's blessing and approval.
But it is one of the most difficult things he's ever had to do. Dominic is crumbling in front of his eyes and Billy can do nothing but offer his stare and office hours-neither of which Dominic will acknowledge. He's skipped a handful of advising appointments and regular class meetings, and it's been several days since he's properly met Billy's eyes in class, weeks since he's spoken without being forced to. It’s difficult for Billy to hold back the desire to prod him relentlessly where and how he can, in these discussions and after lectures, while Dominic’s trapped, but it’s harder still to watch him evade Billy’s questions and pretend to neither know the answers Billy wants from him nor understand why he should be bothered to care now. Billy's taken to shoving his hands deep in his pockets when Dominic begins to fidget in his chair, lest he fall into bad habits: touching Dominic's shoulder lightly to settle him while in class, while desperately wanting to touch him everywhere else to drive him mad at night.
And though they cannot possibly know the reason behind it, even Dominic’s classmates have registered Billy’s general discomfort, and they reflect it back on him, shifting in their chairs as Billy circles the room, trying to coerce from them responses he would normally prefer to coax. A small, shocking surge or anger runs through Billy as he thinks how dare this personal difficulty affect him so much professionally, when nothing before ever has. He’s frustrated enough by the end of this particular session that he releases the students a bit early, bidding them goodbye in the most perfunctory fashion and releasing an irritable breath when he hears Elijah’s voice rise above the sound of chairs scraping and shoes scuffing the classroom floor.
“Got a minute, professor?” Elijah asks, and as he turns Billy can see Dominic tense up beside him. “I just have a quick question,” Elijah continues, and then leans in to Dominic and murmurs something close to his ear. Billy's eyes dart back to Dominic, watching as Dominic's head tilts toward Elijah and he nods in agreement to whatever Elijah's told him. Their faces are nearly touching, and Elijah's hand is traveling for the fifth time today to Dominic’s shoulder, to calm Dominic the way Billy once allowed himself to do. Elijah smiles, a wide grin that settles no one, and Dominic nods again, moving quickly from the room as Elijah begins to gather his things.
You did the right thing, Billy reassures himself as Dominic leaves the classroom. He needs to think now, and not get lost in memory and regret, not when he is faced with those two shocking blue eyes of Elijah’s and the boy’s grin easing into a slow, comfortable smirk. Billy moves to the desk, squaring his shoulders and leaning against the wood, hands flat on the desk's edge.
"Mr. Wood," he says, not bothering to smile for once. "I only have a few minutes to spare you. What's your question?"
“Only a few?” Elijah tilts his head curiously before rising from his seat, his eyes not leaving Billy's as he stretches and then leans leaning back against his own desktop, mirroring Billy's stance. “I’m not sure I'm gonna need even that long, unless you decide to give me another lecture on minding my own business before you recognize the difference between me just telling tales on your students and actually telling you something you should've already known.”
"Elijah, I've told you before that I do not appreciate hearing from you about your classmates--"
"Just this once--" Elijah holds up his hand and smiles, cutting Billy off. "You might want to reconsider that one. Really."
"Really." Billy folds his arms across his chest. "Just like I might have wanted to reconsider your mark, am I right?"
"This time it's not about me," Elijah says quietly, the smile sliding off his face as it had never been there. "You remember what I said about your students liking you, professor? Some of them like you a little more than others, and they're maybe prepared to listen to you instead of someone else. For whatever reason."
"Mr. Wood."
"Forgetting whatever problem I might have with you, sir," Elijah continues, lowering his voice even more. "You can do us both a favour here. See, I know you're pretty fond of your students, too. You don't like to see them not making it." Elijah pauses and takes one short step forward, and Billy forces himself to not move even the slightest in response. "You don't like failure, professor, and you've got one right on your doorstep. And the thing is, it's on mine, too."
For the second he's granted as Elijah wanders the classroom absently, Billy decides he must have done something absolutely unspeakable in a former life to deserve this; it's the only explanation for why he's still standing here listening to this piece of malicious work so clearly talking about Dominic, so clearly aware of what Billy cannot even appear to acknowledge in the least. He cannot even be seen to listen too carefully, in case Elijah registers that-which he can, which he will.
"Elijah," Billy sighs, then, waiting for Elijah to turn back and face him before he continues. "Get to your point, if you have one, hmm? If there's something you think I absolutely need to know about another student, and I cannot imagine what that might be, then spit it out. Or better, direct that student to me."
"If it was that easy, I would." Elijah's nearer to Billy now than he'd been at any time during that first ugly office hours appointment he'd attended, and again Billy works to not react, to not step away like every muscle he has screams out for him to do. "I'd walk him in here right now. But here's the weird part, professor: he'll listen to you, but first he's gotta get within earshot. It's like he thinks you don't want to have anything to do with him. And, you know," Elijah shrugs. "Maybe you don't anymore. But whatever. I think you've got kind of ... an obligation here, or something, and I think you know it. Sir."
"Do I?"
Elijah hums a little and begins to wander again, tapping his fingers along the edge of desk after desk as he paces in front of Billy. "I'm not enjoying this, professor. Just in case you were wondering."
"It was high in my mind, if not quite uppermost."
"Funny," Elijah nods. "Okay, let's try this another way. He seems to be pretty sure you know him better than anybody else would, and I've got no reason to think he's lying, so I thought it wouldn't be too hard for you to figure out what's happening now."
"If you could be more specific--"
"You fuc-you know who I'm talking about, professor."
"Control your language, Mr. Wood," Billy says gently. "But alright, let's pretend I do."
"Look, if you'd rather not hear this from me--"
"Let's pretend I would."
"I'm betraying his confidence here, and before you get back up on that horse, I'm doing it for a good reason. I think you can help him, if you can get within ten feet of him without spooking him. 'Cause he'll run, like some-horse. Or rabbit."
Billy allows himself a smile at that, one that clearly throws Elijah, because he flushes scarlet at the sight of it. "Go on. Your rabbit. What influence d'you suppose I have? I'm a teacher, Elijah; I'm not a psychologist, not a psychiatrist--"
"I don't know, professor; I've seen that couch you've got." Elijah's smiling now, too, and Billy almost wants to acknowledge that little hit as he would if it had come from nearly anyone else but a student. Elijah presses on, though, and Billy sharpens his focus again. "Anyway, sir, I know he's come to you before, and you've, I don't know, fixed things. Fixed him. You could do it again. Except I'm wondering now if you'd even bother."
Billy narrows his eyes as he supposes he's meant to do here, to appear wounded that Elijah would think him so uncaring. "Very few students come to me with their problems, Elijah," he says softly, reaching behind him to the desk and finding a pen to turn over in his fingers. Elijah is obviously waiting for him to crack, and at this point Billy almost wants to, just to make him go away-even if he does so in the vague triumph Billy imagines Elijah must be feeling. If he thought Elijah's hints led to any student but Dominic, Billy would have ceased to care minutes ago if not before. And Billy knows there is indeed something more wrong with Dominic than his just being ... heartbroken, if that's the word. Billy winces at the sound of it in his head.
"In fact," Billy murmurs as if he's really mulled the thought over, "I've spoken more to you than most of your classmates this term. So whatever this is going on with your-" Billy raises his eyebrows. "Friend? I assume he's your friend?"
Elijah laughs. "Uh, yeah, professor. And then some. If you, you know, want specifics."
"Whatever it is, it must be quite serious, so yes," Billy says sharply now. "Give me those specifics." Before Elijah can speak, Billy takes his own step forward, until they're just a few feet apart, and crosses his arms over his chest again. "And then I'll choose to do what I like with the information, Elijah, so take care what you tell me, yeah?"
“He’s getting strung out," Elijah says quickly, the words tumbling from him now that he thinks he's trapped Billy somehow, Billy can tell. It's hard to listen, but Billy concentrates, digging his fingers into his own palm as Elijah rambles.
"On anything that makes the pain go away. Anything that numbs him. I thought he’d stop once we got together," Elijah pauses and looks up at Billy. "I mean, you would, right? Because if it's good, you're not supposed to need anything else, right? He's not eating, and even you can probably tell he's not sleeping. He looks like hell. And he's not going to class, which you also probably know, because that's, you know, what advisors do-you're supposed to be looking out for your students." Another pause, and Elijah nods again as if he's made an important decision.
"So that’s why I’m here, professor. And I really, like, hate the idea that you might be the only one who can help me, but you know, whatever. Seeing how you’re like, twenty years older than we are or something, I'm not surprised he looks up to you. Or he used to. Like a father," Elijah continues, nodding again. “It has to do with discipline, I think. In your position, sir, I'd think you'd be feeling like you might have had a part in this, but you know, maybe that's not my place to say. Point is, he's using, he's not going to class, he's not working, and he's not here.” Elijah raises his head and meets Billy's eyes so fearlessly Billy is again almost impressed. "Kinda says it all, doesn't it? Sir?"
It's Billy's turn to hum quietly, pretending to think about that petty little conclusion. Right now he might sell the few parts of his soul he still has left to throw Elijah from this classroom and out on to the floor, but his anger stems less from what Elijah is telling him than from his own idiocy. He's known there has been something very wrong with Dominic, and had tried to write it off as what happens when one refuses to move beyond the hurt and bewilderment of a breakup, however justified that breakup might have been, however much Billy had tried to explain the damage he was doing to Dominic's academic career, his heart, his body, his life-damage that would have only gone worse over time. And Billy suddenly imagines that were he to get what he and Elijah both seem to want here-a chance to confront Dominic about the damage Dominic's now causing himself-Dominic would turn on him at last and unleash anger like nothing Billy has ever known.
He can do little, though, until he knows more, until he drags it out of Elijah. The price is almost too high; Billy can tell Elijah's already getting off on drawing this out, moment by moment. And for the first time Billy finds himself in slow retreat, moving behind the desk and sitting down calmly, all the better to let one hand drift and clench hard around the unfinished, splintery edge of one drawer to keep from letting his mind wander too far ahead or away. He might have tiny shards of pale-brown wood underneath his fingernails for the next week, but it'll be worth it to keep himself from acting on the wrong impulse now.
"You're making a very serious accusation of another student, Elijah," Billy says, looking back to Elijah now. "You know that any form of drug abuse is grounds for probation at the least and expulsion at worst. So for me to believe you truly have your friend's best interest at heart would require a leap of logic I cannot begin to fathom, and one you cannot begin to persuade me to take without more information."
Elijah nods a bit manically as he advances, leaning forward on the desk with both hands. "To be honest with you, I’m a bit confused now, professor," he says, cutting himself off when his rucksack slides down his arm. Annoyed, he rids himself of it, letting it fall with a thump to the floor before he turns back on the attack, working hard to temper his voice again, Billy can tell. "Between what he's told you-and admit it, sir, he's told you a lot-and what I have, you've got everything you need to know. He thinks you give a shit-"
"Elijah."
"Sorry." Elijah throws a hand, again annoyed, but pushes on. "He thinks you do, or you did, and if I found out that a friend of mine needed help, I'd use all the resources I had to get them that help. And I have, before you ask. I've done a lot, here, and it's not getting me or him anywhere. But I'm just a student, professor; I can't throw him out of here, and I don't want to see that happen, and neither do you. So. You know." Elijah leans forward again. "It's like your move here, sir."
"This is all very interesting, Elijah," Billy sighs, moving forward, too, to rest his elbows on the desk. "As just a student, you do have many resources, not all of which I'm convinced you've explored. No," he says simply when Elijah opens his mouth to speak again. "You will hear me out, Mr. Wood. There is the student help center in the Wallace building, second floor-I think you'd call it the third-where you can speak to a counselor who could get in contact with Dominic-"
"Okay, but-" Elijah's face is flushed again, with frustration and a bit of heady triumph, too, Billy recognizes as he realizes he's said Dominic's name, scoring Elijah a hard-won point Billy rushes now to avoid letting him enjoy.
"Or refer you or Dominic to someone else. As a faculty member, there's nothing I can do unless I'm presented with proper evidence or Dominic comes to tell me himself. Yes, I am his advisor, a fact you clearly know, but at the present time, that role requires me not to involve myself in his personal life unless, and I cannot stress this enough, Elijah, he comes to me. Your word means little to nothing here, and your attempt to guilt me into intervening between you and Dominic does not make you look very ..." Billy searches the air for the word, nodding when he finds it. "Compassionate. Or much of the friend you consider yourself to be."
Billy's eyes flit to the clock, and he stands and moves around to front of the desk, brushing dust and the tiny splinters of wood from his trousers as Elijah stares him down, murder in his eyes but an odd smile on his face. Billy counters this the only way he can and still remain employed: with a gentle upward turn of his own lips. "This classroom's needed now, Elijah. You may tell Dominic that I'd be happy to speak to him should he need or want to talk. My door is nearly always open, as you've discovered, however unwillingly. If I see him before you do, I'll tell him the same. I'm sure neither of us would like to see him in any more danger than you believe him to be now."
"I really did think you were different," Elijah says finally, a picture of quiet concern again as he gathers his bag from the floor. A pack of American cigarettes tumbles from his bag and to near Billy's feet, and Elijah scrambles to pick it up as Billy remains still. "You're not, though. You just keep talking and talking, and you never stop long enough to listen to anything you might not want to hear."
"I'd call that a bit of a reach, Mr. Wood," Billy says gently, but Elijah's too busy hoisting the bag back over his shoulder to argue now, shaking his head as if he's the one who chooses not to hear.
"Sorry to take up your time, professor," Elijah says and shrugs one more time. "I'll let Dom know what you said-"
"Please do."
"Because what he definitely needs right now is to know that his professor would rather see him thrown out of school than help him."
"Again, a reach."
"I don't think so. More important, he won't think so." Elijah laughs when Billy takes a step toward the door, and then pushes past Billy, still smiling. "I'm good. I'll show myself out, or whatever you call it. And, you know, see you in class. I will, even if he might not. Somebody's got to retain this stuff, don't you think?" Elijah gives a hard yank on the doorknob and then throws his smile over his shoulder as he leaves, tapping his forehead with his free hand. "And just so you know, I do. I remember everything. We'll see what good it does me, right?"
Billy's back at the desk the moment the door slams behind Elijah, a strange adrenaline leaving him before he'd had time to properly register that it had even come. He finally allows his hands to shake and his eyes to burn with something more than amusement and contained fury. Bastard, Billy thinks as the sound of Elijah's lazy drawl echoes in his brain. Entitled little cunt. Count yourself lucky that I need this job.
The intelligent thing to do now would be to find Dominic and sort this out, whatever this is; to get the truth from him whatever it takes without abusing Dominic's trust again the way he believes he did Dominic's body and heart. The plain fact is though that Dominic has skived off his advising sessions, and day after day Billy barely has time to bid his students goodbye before Dominic runs from his classroom. Clearly Dominic wants nothing more to do with Billy beyond his most basic academic obligations, and Billy cannot honestly blame him. But Billy also cannot ignore Elijah's words, any more than he can ignore the desperation in Dominic's eyes on the rare occasions that they meet Billy's. Ever since that day at the cafe when Billy had pulled away from Dominic with a vehemence he hadn't intended, Dominic has looked like a young man slowly dying in front of Billy's eyes, and if Elijah is telling the truth, even a circular, self-serving truth, then Billy has no choice but to intervene, despite what he told Elijah.
A small group of students tumbles into the classroom, their conversations going silent and surprised at the sight of Billy leaning against the desk with his eyes closed. He takes a deep breath and smiles, nodding as he exits the classroom, and moves down the corridor back to his office, where he intends to stay no longer than necessary. He has to develop some sort of plan, rehearse some sort of speech that will balance scolding and compassion, something that will bring Dominic to his senses without leading both of them back into Billy’s bed. It can be done, Billy knows; before they’d begun their relationship, Billy could have had this sort of talk with Dominic with hardly a moment’s thought, and it would have worked, just like every other discussion they’d had before had worked, for both of them on different levels.
Any thought of planning flies out of the tall windows around him, though, as he rounds a corner to one of the vast hallways and finds himself at one end, Elijah at the other and Dominic in between, his feet planted at the top of a stairway and his face blanching as he realizes where and with whom he stands. There’s a moment in which none of the three of them speaks or moves, while other students and faculty swerve comfortably around them, oblivious to the little storm gathering here. Dominic reaches to cover the top of the banister with his hand, a steadying grip, and he looks first at Billy and then Elijah and then the ground beneath him as the crowd thins out, leaving them alone in the hall before long.
The silence is horrible, Billy thinks; it leaves space for every ugly word that’s ever been said between them all to echo in their minds, and possibly loudest in Dominic’s. Billy’s not surprised when Dominic makes his initial decision and turns his body Elijah’s way, but he’s also not prepared to let it be that easy, for any of them.
"Mr. Monaghan," Billy says quietly, and Dominic hesitates again, his shoulders tensing hard as he faces Elijah. Elijah tilts his head and narrows his eyes slightly, but after a moment Dominic moves, and this time toward Billy. He doesn’t meet Billy’s eyes, but he doesn’t flinch from their gaze, either, and Billy nods as he continues to advance, just the ghost of a smile encouraging Dominic forward.
“My office,” Billy murmurs as soon as he can do so safely. Dominic blinks and then stops in his progress just inches from Billy’s side, and Billy lowers his voice to nearly nothing, just to rest in the small space between them. “Please.”
Dominic’s expression changes as he considers it, going frightened, calm, and resigned all in the space of seconds before he nods and continues past Billy, his feet shuffling down the hall and rounding the corner back to Billy’s office. Billy follows him, but then looks back, unable to resist the temptation to see if Elijah’s still there. And he is, to Billy’s perverse delight; Elijah stands with his fingers flexing at his sides but the rest of him at an utter, determined calm. No one’s won anything here yet, but Dominic’s chosen at least to listen to Billy. He’s chosen to take the long steps back to the place he’s avoided for weeks instead of walking back into the ugly safety of whatever mental and physical space he’d occupied since then, with or without Elijah.
Kind of says it all, doesn’t it? Billy thinks, and turns away from Elijah to take that long walk, too.
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Billy, Elijah, Dominic
Word count: 4050
Summary: Learning lessons the hard way.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
Dominic's constant small movements and wide, slightly frantic eyes are what nearly destroy Billy day after day in this class. Had this disaster between them happened with any other student, Billy would have recommended if not demanded that said student find another seminar, and quickly, with Billy's blessing, approval and occasionally powerful signature. But this is not any other student, and Billy knows that beyond the damage he's caused Dominic, he can get him through this final year. He can see him graduated-moving on, again with Billy's blessing and approval.
But it is one of the most difficult things he's ever had to do. Dominic is crumbling in front of his eyes and Billy can do nothing but offer his stare and office hours-neither of which Dominic will acknowledge. He's skipped a handful of advising appointments and regular class meetings, and it's been several days since he's properly met Billy's eyes in class, weeks since he's spoken without being forced to. It’s difficult for Billy to hold back the desire to prod him relentlessly where and how he can, in these discussions and after lectures, while Dominic’s trapped, but it’s harder still to watch him evade Billy’s questions and pretend to neither know the answers Billy wants from him nor understand why he should be bothered to care now. Billy's taken to shoving his hands deep in his pockets when Dominic begins to fidget in his chair, lest he fall into bad habits: touching Dominic's shoulder lightly to settle him while in class, while desperately wanting to touch him everywhere else to drive him mad at night.
And though they cannot possibly know the reason behind it, even Dominic’s classmates have registered Billy’s general discomfort, and they reflect it back on him, shifting in their chairs as Billy circles the room, trying to coerce from them responses he would normally prefer to coax. A small, shocking surge or anger runs through Billy as he thinks how dare this personal difficulty affect him so much professionally, when nothing before ever has. He’s frustrated enough by the end of this particular session that he releases the students a bit early, bidding them goodbye in the most perfunctory fashion and releasing an irritable breath when he hears Elijah’s voice rise above the sound of chairs scraping and shoes scuffing the classroom floor.
“Got a minute, professor?” Elijah asks, and as he turns Billy can see Dominic tense up beside him. “I just have a quick question,” Elijah continues, and then leans in to Dominic and murmurs something close to his ear. Billy's eyes dart back to Dominic, watching as Dominic's head tilts toward Elijah and he nods in agreement to whatever Elijah's told him. Their faces are nearly touching, and Elijah's hand is traveling for the fifth time today to Dominic’s shoulder, to calm Dominic the way Billy once allowed himself to do. Elijah smiles, a wide grin that settles no one, and Dominic nods again, moving quickly from the room as Elijah begins to gather his things.
You did the right thing, Billy reassures himself as Dominic leaves the classroom. He needs to think now, and not get lost in memory and regret, not when he is faced with those two shocking blue eyes of Elijah’s and the boy’s grin easing into a slow, comfortable smirk. Billy moves to the desk, squaring his shoulders and leaning against the wood, hands flat on the desk's edge.
"Mr. Wood," he says, not bothering to smile for once. "I only have a few minutes to spare you. What's your question?"
“Only a few?” Elijah tilts his head curiously before rising from his seat, his eyes not leaving Billy's as he stretches and then leans leaning back against his own desktop, mirroring Billy's stance. “I’m not sure I'm gonna need even that long, unless you decide to give me another lecture on minding my own business before you recognize the difference between me just telling tales on your students and actually telling you something you should've already known.”
"Elijah, I've told you before that I do not appreciate hearing from you about your classmates--"
"Just this once--" Elijah holds up his hand and smiles, cutting Billy off. "You might want to reconsider that one. Really."
"Really." Billy folds his arms across his chest. "Just like I might have wanted to reconsider your mark, am I right?"
"This time it's not about me," Elijah says quietly, the smile sliding off his face as it had never been there. "You remember what I said about your students liking you, professor? Some of them like you a little more than others, and they're maybe prepared to listen to you instead of someone else. For whatever reason."
"Mr. Wood."
"Forgetting whatever problem I might have with you, sir," Elijah continues, lowering his voice even more. "You can do us both a favour here. See, I know you're pretty fond of your students, too. You don't like to see them not making it." Elijah pauses and takes one short step forward, and Billy forces himself to not move even the slightest in response. "You don't like failure, professor, and you've got one right on your doorstep. And the thing is, it's on mine, too."
For the second he's granted as Elijah wanders the classroom absently, Billy decides he must have done something absolutely unspeakable in a former life to deserve this; it's the only explanation for why he's still standing here listening to this piece of malicious work so clearly talking about Dominic, so clearly aware of what Billy cannot even appear to acknowledge in the least. He cannot even be seen to listen too carefully, in case Elijah registers that-which he can, which he will.
"Elijah," Billy sighs, then, waiting for Elijah to turn back and face him before he continues. "Get to your point, if you have one, hmm? If there's something you think I absolutely need to know about another student, and I cannot imagine what that might be, then spit it out. Or better, direct that student to me."
"If it was that easy, I would." Elijah's nearer to Billy now than he'd been at any time during that first ugly office hours appointment he'd attended, and again Billy works to not react, to not step away like every muscle he has screams out for him to do. "I'd walk him in here right now. But here's the weird part, professor: he'll listen to you, but first he's gotta get within earshot. It's like he thinks you don't want to have anything to do with him. And, you know," Elijah shrugs. "Maybe you don't anymore. But whatever. I think you've got kind of ... an obligation here, or something, and I think you know it. Sir."
"Do I?"
Elijah hums a little and begins to wander again, tapping his fingers along the edge of desk after desk as he paces in front of Billy. "I'm not enjoying this, professor. Just in case you were wondering."
"It was high in my mind, if not quite uppermost."
"Funny," Elijah nods. "Okay, let's try this another way. He seems to be pretty sure you know him better than anybody else would, and I've got no reason to think he's lying, so I thought it wouldn't be too hard for you to figure out what's happening now."
"If you could be more specific--"
"You fuc-you know who I'm talking about, professor."
"Control your language, Mr. Wood," Billy says gently. "But alright, let's pretend I do."
"Look, if you'd rather not hear this from me--"
"Let's pretend I would."
"I'm betraying his confidence here, and before you get back up on that horse, I'm doing it for a good reason. I think you can help him, if you can get within ten feet of him without spooking him. 'Cause he'll run, like some-horse. Or rabbit."
Billy allows himself a smile at that, one that clearly throws Elijah, because he flushes scarlet at the sight of it. "Go on. Your rabbit. What influence d'you suppose I have? I'm a teacher, Elijah; I'm not a psychologist, not a psychiatrist--"
"I don't know, professor; I've seen that couch you've got." Elijah's smiling now, too, and Billy almost wants to acknowledge that little hit as he would if it had come from nearly anyone else but a student. Elijah presses on, though, and Billy sharpens his focus again. "Anyway, sir, I know he's come to you before, and you've, I don't know, fixed things. Fixed him. You could do it again. Except I'm wondering now if you'd even bother."
Billy narrows his eyes as he supposes he's meant to do here, to appear wounded that Elijah would think him so uncaring. "Very few students come to me with their problems, Elijah," he says softly, reaching behind him to the desk and finding a pen to turn over in his fingers. Elijah is obviously waiting for him to crack, and at this point Billy almost wants to, just to make him go away-even if he does so in the vague triumph Billy imagines Elijah must be feeling. If he thought Elijah's hints led to any student but Dominic, Billy would have ceased to care minutes ago if not before. And Billy knows there is indeed something more wrong with Dominic than his just being ... heartbroken, if that's the word. Billy winces at the sound of it in his head.
"In fact," Billy murmurs as if he's really mulled the thought over, "I've spoken more to you than most of your classmates this term. So whatever this is going on with your-" Billy raises his eyebrows. "Friend? I assume he's your friend?"
Elijah laughs. "Uh, yeah, professor. And then some. If you, you know, want specifics."
"Whatever it is, it must be quite serious, so yes," Billy says sharply now. "Give me those specifics." Before Elijah can speak, Billy takes his own step forward, until they're just a few feet apart, and crosses his arms over his chest again. "And then I'll choose to do what I like with the information, Elijah, so take care what you tell me, yeah?"
“He’s getting strung out," Elijah says quickly, the words tumbling from him now that he thinks he's trapped Billy somehow, Billy can tell. It's hard to listen, but Billy concentrates, digging his fingers into his own palm as Elijah rambles.
"On anything that makes the pain go away. Anything that numbs him. I thought he’d stop once we got together," Elijah pauses and looks up at Billy. "I mean, you would, right? Because if it's good, you're not supposed to need anything else, right? He's not eating, and even you can probably tell he's not sleeping. He looks like hell. And he's not going to class, which you also probably know, because that's, you know, what advisors do-you're supposed to be looking out for your students." Another pause, and Elijah nods again as if he's made an important decision.
"So that’s why I’m here, professor. And I really, like, hate the idea that you might be the only one who can help me, but you know, whatever. Seeing how you’re like, twenty years older than we are or something, I'm not surprised he looks up to you. Or he used to. Like a father," Elijah continues, nodding again. “It has to do with discipline, I think. In your position, sir, I'd think you'd be feeling like you might have had a part in this, but you know, maybe that's not my place to say. Point is, he's using, he's not going to class, he's not working, and he's not here.” Elijah raises his head and meets Billy's eyes so fearlessly Billy is again almost impressed. "Kinda says it all, doesn't it? Sir?"
It's Billy's turn to hum quietly, pretending to think about that petty little conclusion. Right now he might sell the few parts of his soul he still has left to throw Elijah from this classroom and out on to the floor, but his anger stems less from what Elijah is telling him than from his own idiocy. He's known there has been something very wrong with Dominic, and had tried to write it off as what happens when one refuses to move beyond the hurt and bewilderment of a breakup, however justified that breakup might have been, however much Billy had tried to explain the damage he was doing to Dominic's academic career, his heart, his body, his life-damage that would have only gone worse over time. And Billy suddenly imagines that were he to get what he and Elijah both seem to want here-a chance to confront Dominic about the damage Dominic's now causing himself-Dominic would turn on him at last and unleash anger like nothing Billy has ever known.
He can do little, though, until he knows more, until he drags it out of Elijah. The price is almost too high; Billy can tell Elijah's already getting off on drawing this out, moment by moment. And for the first time Billy finds himself in slow retreat, moving behind the desk and sitting down calmly, all the better to let one hand drift and clench hard around the unfinished, splintery edge of one drawer to keep from letting his mind wander too far ahead or away. He might have tiny shards of pale-brown wood underneath his fingernails for the next week, but it'll be worth it to keep himself from acting on the wrong impulse now.
"You're making a very serious accusation of another student, Elijah," Billy says, looking back to Elijah now. "You know that any form of drug abuse is grounds for probation at the least and expulsion at worst. So for me to believe you truly have your friend's best interest at heart would require a leap of logic I cannot begin to fathom, and one you cannot begin to persuade me to take without more information."
Elijah nods a bit manically as he advances, leaning forward on the desk with both hands. "To be honest with you, I’m a bit confused now, professor," he says, cutting himself off when his rucksack slides down his arm. Annoyed, he rids himself of it, letting it fall with a thump to the floor before he turns back on the attack, working hard to temper his voice again, Billy can tell. "Between what he's told you-and admit it, sir, he's told you a lot-and what I have, you've got everything you need to know. He thinks you give a shit-"
"Elijah."
"Sorry." Elijah throws a hand, again annoyed, but pushes on. "He thinks you do, or you did, and if I found out that a friend of mine needed help, I'd use all the resources I had to get them that help. And I have, before you ask. I've done a lot, here, and it's not getting me or him anywhere. But I'm just a student, professor; I can't throw him out of here, and I don't want to see that happen, and neither do you. So. You know." Elijah leans forward again. "It's like your move here, sir."
"This is all very interesting, Elijah," Billy sighs, moving forward, too, to rest his elbows on the desk. "As just a student, you do have many resources, not all of which I'm convinced you've explored. No," he says simply when Elijah opens his mouth to speak again. "You will hear me out, Mr. Wood. There is the student help center in the Wallace building, second floor-I think you'd call it the third-where you can speak to a counselor who could get in contact with Dominic-"
"Okay, but-" Elijah's face is flushed again, with frustration and a bit of heady triumph, too, Billy recognizes as he realizes he's said Dominic's name, scoring Elijah a hard-won point Billy rushes now to avoid letting him enjoy.
"Or refer you or Dominic to someone else. As a faculty member, there's nothing I can do unless I'm presented with proper evidence or Dominic comes to tell me himself. Yes, I am his advisor, a fact you clearly know, but at the present time, that role requires me not to involve myself in his personal life unless, and I cannot stress this enough, Elijah, he comes to me. Your word means little to nothing here, and your attempt to guilt me into intervening between you and Dominic does not make you look very ..." Billy searches the air for the word, nodding when he finds it. "Compassionate. Or much of the friend you consider yourself to be."
Billy's eyes flit to the clock, and he stands and moves around to front of the desk, brushing dust and the tiny splinters of wood from his trousers as Elijah stares him down, murder in his eyes but an odd smile on his face. Billy counters this the only way he can and still remain employed: with a gentle upward turn of his own lips. "This classroom's needed now, Elijah. You may tell Dominic that I'd be happy to speak to him should he need or want to talk. My door is nearly always open, as you've discovered, however unwillingly. If I see him before you do, I'll tell him the same. I'm sure neither of us would like to see him in any more danger than you believe him to be now."
"I really did think you were different," Elijah says finally, a picture of quiet concern again as he gathers his bag from the floor. A pack of American cigarettes tumbles from his bag and to near Billy's feet, and Elijah scrambles to pick it up as Billy remains still. "You're not, though. You just keep talking and talking, and you never stop long enough to listen to anything you might not want to hear."
"I'd call that a bit of a reach, Mr. Wood," Billy says gently, but Elijah's too busy hoisting the bag back over his shoulder to argue now, shaking his head as if he's the one who chooses not to hear.
"Sorry to take up your time, professor," Elijah says and shrugs one more time. "I'll let Dom know what you said-"
"Please do."
"Because what he definitely needs right now is to know that his professor would rather see him thrown out of school than help him."
"Again, a reach."
"I don't think so. More important, he won't think so." Elijah laughs when Billy takes a step toward the door, and then pushes past Billy, still smiling. "I'm good. I'll show myself out, or whatever you call it. And, you know, see you in class. I will, even if he might not. Somebody's got to retain this stuff, don't you think?" Elijah gives a hard yank on the doorknob and then throws his smile over his shoulder as he leaves, tapping his forehead with his free hand. "And just so you know, I do. I remember everything. We'll see what good it does me, right?"
Billy's back at the desk the moment the door slams behind Elijah, a strange adrenaline leaving him before he'd had time to properly register that it had even come. He finally allows his hands to shake and his eyes to burn with something more than amusement and contained fury. Bastard, Billy thinks as the sound of Elijah's lazy drawl echoes in his brain. Entitled little cunt. Count yourself lucky that I need this job.
The intelligent thing to do now would be to find Dominic and sort this out, whatever this is; to get the truth from him whatever it takes without abusing Dominic's trust again the way he believes he did Dominic's body and heart. The plain fact is though that Dominic has skived off his advising sessions, and day after day Billy barely has time to bid his students goodbye before Dominic runs from his classroom. Clearly Dominic wants nothing more to do with Billy beyond his most basic academic obligations, and Billy cannot honestly blame him. But Billy also cannot ignore Elijah's words, any more than he can ignore the desperation in Dominic's eyes on the rare occasions that they meet Billy's. Ever since that day at the cafe when Billy had pulled away from Dominic with a vehemence he hadn't intended, Dominic has looked like a young man slowly dying in front of Billy's eyes, and if Elijah is telling the truth, even a circular, self-serving truth, then Billy has no choice but to intervene, despite what he told Elijah.
A small group of students tumbles into the classroom, their conversations going silent and surprised at the sight of Billy leaning against the desk with his eyes closed. He takes a deep breath and smiles, nodding as he exits the classroom, and moves down the corridor back to his office, where he intends to stay no longer than necessary. He has to develop some sort of plan, rehearse some sort of speech that will balance scolding and compassion, something that will bring Dominic to his senses without leading both of them back into Billy’s bed. It can be done, Billy knows; before they’d begun their relationship, Billy could have had this sort of talk with Dominic with hardly a moment’s thought, and it would have worked, just like every other discussion they’d had before had worked, for both of them on different levels.
Any thought of planning flies out of the tall windows around him, though, as he rounds a corner to one of the vast hallways and finds himself at one end, Elijah at the other and Dominic in between, his feet planted at the top of a stairway and his face blanching as he realizes where and with whom he stands. There’s a moment in which none of the three of them speaks or moves, while other students and faculty swerve comfortably around them, oblivious to the little storm gathering here. Dominic reaches to cover the top of the banister with his hand, a steadying grip, and he looks first at Billy and then Elijah and then the ground beneath him as the crowd thins out, leaving them alone in the hall before long.
The silence is horrible, Billy thinks; it leaves space for every ugly word that’s ever been said between them all to echo in their minds, and possibly loudest in Dominic’s. Billy’s not surprised when Dominic makes his initial decision and turns his body Elijah’s way, but he’s also not prepared to let it be that easy, for any of them.
"Mr. Monaghan," Billy says quietly, and Dominic hesitates again, his shoulders tensing hard as he faces Elijah. Elijah tilts his head and narrows his eyes slightly, but after a moment Dominic moves, and this time toward Billy. He doesn’t meet Billy’s eyes, but he doesn’t flinch from their gaze, either, and Billy nods as he continues to advance, just the ghost of a smile encouraging Dominic forward.
“My office,” Billy murmurs as soon as he can do so safely. Dominic blinks and then stops in his progress just inches from Billy’s side, and Billy lowers his voice to nearly nothing, just to rest in the small space between them. “Please.”
Dominic’s expression changes as he considers it, going frightened, calm, and resigned all in the space of seconds before he nods and continues past Billy, his feet shuffling down the hall and rounding the corner back to Billy’s office. Billy follows him, but then looks back, unable to resist the temptation to see if Elijah’s still there. And he is, to Billy’s perverse delight; Elijah stands with his fingers flexing at his sides but the rest of him at an utter, determined calm. No one’s won anything here yet, but Dominic’s chosen at least to listen to Billy. He’s chosen to take the long steps back to the place he’s avoided for weeks instead of walking back into the ugly safety of whatever mental and physical space he’d occupied since then, with or without Elijah.
Kind of says it all, doesn’t it? Billy thinks, and turns away from Elijah to take that long walk, too.