(no subject)
Uuuuggggghhhhh!!!!!
What a horrible day! What an upsetting, awful, unending day! It began when I finally gave up trying to sleep at 3:30 in the morning. I caught the end of a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode and then a complete episode after that. At 5 am, I returned to bed to toss and turn the remaining hours away. Miserable.
Then there is the situation of my aging parents. My mother is extremely ill with a horrible, debilitating disease that attacks both the mental and physical faculities. Virtually all that remains of her is a shell, a shadow of the vibrant, smart woman she was. My father cannot handle the stress of seeing the woman he loves die. Being almost a decade older, my mother was suppose to care for him in his old age and survive him upon his death. Instead, he is the primary caregiver when he can barely care for himself. The stress has begun to effect him. His decisions and reactions aren't always the most rational now. He breaks down upon hearing anything remotely sad. He both fears death and seeks it at as a means of escape, although I believe that the former is the more prevalent emotion.
When growing up, the parent-child relationship is clear. The parent guides, dictates, and superintends the child. The parent is wiser, more educated, worldly and knowledgeable. At some point, however, that child enters adulthood and has acquired his or her own wisdom and knowledge. Perhaps, not as much as the parent who has the benefit of more years on this planet, but perhaps, more than the parent in some areas and equal in others. At what point can a parent acknowledge tha the child might know more? Can a parent ever do so? Even though I have been all grown up for many years, even though I have been highly educated, it is apparent to me that my father thinks he knows more than I do in all matters. Now let's say that I'm a plumber. All I do is plumbing, hours every day spent fixing drains. And let's say that my father was an electrician and never went near a drain. My father would still think he knew more about plumbing than I do even though it was my area of expertise, an area that I had apprenticed in and practiced as a trade for years. And it will never be possible to convince my father otherwise. It is an extremely frustrating situation. Perhaps, the defining emotion of all parent-child relationships is frustration.
Today I feel as if I hate my job, I hate my life, and I hate myself.
What a horrible day! What an upsetting, awful, unending day! It began when I finally gave up trying to sleep at 3:30 in the morning. I caught the end of a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode and then a complete episode after that. At 5 am, I returned to bed to toss and turn the remaining hours away. Miserable.
Then there is the situation of my aging parents. My mother is extremely ill with a horrible, debilitating disease that attacks both the mental and physical faculities. Virtually all that remains of her is a shell, a shadow of the vibrant, smart woman she was. My father cannot handle the stress of seeing the woman he loves die. Being almost a decade older, my mother was suppose to care for him in his old age and survive him upon his death. Instead, he is the primary caregiver when he can barely care for himself. The stress has begun to effect him. His decisions and reactions aren't always the most rational now. He breaks down upon hearing anything remotely sad. He both fears death and seeks it at as a means of escape, although I believe that the former is the more prevalent emotion.
When growing up, the parent-child relationship is clear. The parent guides, dictates, and superintends the child. The parent is wiser, more educated, worldly and knowledgeable. At some point, however, that child enters adulthood and has acquired his or her own wisdom and knowledge. Perhaps, not as much as the parent who has the benefit of more years on this planet, but perhaps, more than the parent in some areas and equal in others. At what point can a parent acknowledge tha the child might know more? Can a parent ever do so? Even though I have been all grown up for many years, even though I have been highly educated, it is apparent to me that my father thinks he knows more than I do in all matters. Now let's say that I'm a plumber. All I do is plumbing, hours every day spent fixing drains. And let's say that my father was an electrician and never went near a drain. My father would still think he knew more about plumbing than I do even though it was my area of expertise, an area that I had apprenticed in and practiced as a trade for years. And it will never be possible to convince my father otherwise. It is an extremely frustrating situation. Perhaps, the defining emotion of all parent-child relationships is frustration.
Today I feel as if I hate my job, I hate my life, and I hate myself.