(no subject)
So I feel like I need official documentation on my LiveJournal of this, so I can remember my guilt years from now. Healthy? Probably not. Necessary? Yes. Very much yes.
Waaaaay back in 2008 (maybe even 2007?) I created this LiveJournal so I could participate in the DGFicExchange. Half an hour ago, I emailed the mods with my most profound apologies about how I would be dropping out of the Exchange. By the way, it's two days past the deadline. Yeah, I'm one of those people.
It's not even the Wall of Shame that's bothering me, or the fact that I'm not getting a fic. It's the whole irresponsibility thing, and the letting those-who-were-depending-on-me down, and the fact that I handled the whole situation so poorly. And I just feel really, really bad -- guilty, obviously, but also disappointed in myself, and even a little ashamed. I know there are people out there who can maintain a good balance between real life and internet life. I am not one of those people.
I signed up for the Exchange knowing full well that my life this summer was going to be hectic -- finals, then an insane work schedule paired with night classes, then moving not only myself but also the belongings of my two roommates who are in Europe, then finals for my summer classes, and then my surgery, all the while doing things like watching Arrested Development and spending time with my friends because it's summer and I am so burnt out from the past semester and I don't want to be this stressed. Not that I'm trying to make excuses (except I totally I am) it's just, life has gotten a whole more crazy than when I was in high school and my fanfiction has writing fell by the wayside. Not even my writing -- just my fanfiction writing. It's been HOW many years, and I still haven't finished rewriting the last chapter of Notes on Falling Out of Love? What happened?
The thing is, my interest in fanfiction has been waning for quite some time. It's been at least a year since i've read any fanfiction (except, in the interests of full disclosure, for Shoebox Project. That, in my mind, is cannon.) It's been months since I've even tried to finish one of my almost-abandoned fics. I'm no longer able to find inspiration in other people's characters, other writer's worlds -- I don't know when that changed for me -- and I tried, I really did...but I never should have signed up for it in the first place. It was a struggle to finish my Exchange piece back in 2009. Why did I think I could do it this time?
I'm not sure how to end this post. I guess ultimately I am frustrated with myself that I couldn't write 1,500 words to fulfill a commitment I made. I mean, I tried to explain why I couldn't above but what it comes down to is that I promised I would -- and I didn't -- and it was only 1,500 words. I have blog posts that have been longer. But the stuff I had written -- I wasn't proud of it. I was embarrassed and I couldn't even read it back to myself, let alone gift it to someone else in the Exchange.
And so my relationship with the DGFicExchange (and maybe the DG fandom, I don't know) has come to a sad and bitter end. It was wonderful while it lasted. I'm still hoping to find inspiration for the last chapter of NoFooL, but I seriously have doubts about that too, now.
I don't even really know why I'm posting this, more than three years after my last LJ entry. I guess I just wanted to extend my sincere apologies, to any DGer who might happen to stumble across this, and who might still care.
Waaaaay back in 2008 (maybe even 2007?) I created this LiveJournal so I could participate in the DGFicExchange. Half an hour ago, I emailed the mods with my most profound apologies about how I would be dropping out of the Exchange. By the way, it's two days past the deadline. Yeah, I'm one of those people.
It's not even the Wall of Shame that's bothering me, or the fact that I'm not getting a fic. It's the whole irresponsibility thing, and the letting those-who-were-depending-on-me down, and the fact that I handled the whole situation so poorly. And I just feel really, really bad -- guilty, obviously, but also disappointed in myself, and even a little ashamed. I know there are people out there who can maintain a good balance between real life and internet life. I am not one of those people.
I signed up for the Exchange knowing full well that my life this summer was going to be hectic -- finals, then an insane work schedule paired with night classes, then moving not only myself but also the belongings of my two roommates who are in Europe, then finals for my summer classes, and then my surgery, all the while doing things like watching Arrested Development and spending time with my friends because it's summer and I am so burnt out from the past semester and I don't want to be this stressed. Not that I'm trying to make excuses (except I totally I am) it's just, life has gotten a whole more crazy than when I was in high school and my fanfiction has writing fell by the wayside. Not even my writing -- just my fanfiction writing. It's been HOW many years, and I still haven't finished rewriting the last chapter of Notes on Falling Out of Love? What happened?
The thing is, my interest in fanfiction has been waning for quite some time. It's been at least a year since i've read any fanfiction (except, in the interests of full disclosure, for Shoebox Project. That, in my mind, is cannon.) It's been months since I've even tried to finish one of my almost-abandoned fics. I'm no longer able to find inspiration in other people's characters, other writer's worlds -- I don't know when that changed for me -- and I tried, I really did...but I never should have signed up for it in the first place. It was a struggle to finish my Exchange piece back in 2009. Why did I think I could do it this time?
I'm not sure how to end this post. I guess ultimately I am frustrated with myself that I couldn't write 1,500 words to fulfill a commitment I made. I mean, I tried to explain why I couldn't above but what it comes down to is that I promised I would -- and I didn't -- and it was only 1,500 words. I have blog posts that have been longer. But the stuff I had written -- I wasn't proud of it. I was embarrassed and I couldn't even read it back to myself, let alone gift it to someone else in the Exchange.
And so my relationship with the DGFicExchange (and maybe the DG fandom, I don't know) has come to a sad and bitter end. It was wonderful while it lasted. I'm still hoping to find inspiration for the last chapter of NoFooL, but I seriously have doubts about that too, now.
I don't even really know why I'm posting this, more than three years after my last LJ entry. I guess I just wanted to extend my sincere apologies, to any DGer who might happen to stumble across this, and who might still care.