(no subject)
this last week has left me so incredibly confused; this on top of being completely lost inside myself. there are moments in life where things suddenly change, either for the better or the worse. these sudden rights and lefts never seem to become customary or usual. they always leave me on my ass, not sure which way is up.
i've been questioning life, existence and why it is even a concern anymore. i've been asking why such pain and sadness can be possible without a clear understanding of the forces upon me. none of it makes sense. not a moment. this isn't karma, and this isn't the way things are supposed to be.
of anything, i have learned that there are differences between happy and happiness, just as there is between sad and sadness. while you may be alive in a moment, happy and content, that doesn't equate to happiness. a moment may also make you sad and bring pain to your heart, but that isn't sadness.
happiness and sadness are much more extreme. happiness is the cold beer after mowing the lawn. a sense of completion after finishing a thirty page paper. the touch of someone who loves you, even in the most benign way, like brushing their hand across your face. happiness is belonging. happiness is an understanding, and a contentment with the surroundings. its not homeostasis; its much greater than that.
sadness is an absence. it's not emotion, it's just nothing. nothingness amid the rigors of daily life. for me, it's the absence of love. it's the absence of people who are really there. its' the immeasurable depths with which people say they care and the shallowness of their actions. it is the actions of others with no intent but to injure. it's hate and spite and complete disregaurd. it's painful, and it doesn't go away.
and i worry that no pill, no treatment, no counselor will take it away. the fear is not comprehensible.