HOME (part 2) chapters 80 - 82
Lisa and Walker were waiting outside the door after they got Sam's call that everyone was on their way home. That one word, "everyone", was all they needed to hear.
They didn't realize that "everyone" included Ben.
Mary rolled up first. The Impala rumbled to a stop right behind the Mustang. Ben got out of his car and ran to Lisa, hugging her. Lisa was in shock. Wasn't Ben supposed to be tutoring at the school? I mean, he'd just e-mailed her back that morning.
"Ben?" she sputtered, "What are you doing here?"
"I had to help, mom," he replied, still hugging her as she tried to push him away.
Dean blew past the two of them and headed into the bunker.
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"Hey, man," Garth got up from the table to head towards Dean, "welcome home, it's so good - "
"Garth, I'm sorry," Dean said tightly, "I just need a minute, okay?"
Garth felt like he'd been slapped, but could see that Dean was most definitely not okay. "Uh, yeah, sure," he said as Dean walked past him, "we'll catch up later!" he called to Dean's retreating back.
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Sam locked eyes on Walker as soon as he stepped out of the car. She drew in her breath. Sam had some deep bruises starting to form around one eye and his split lip was swollen. His right hand was thickly wrapped in bandages. But there was something else.
Sam had a single-minded intensity that she'd never seen before. Like every fiber of his being was focused. On her. She thought that he looked like he was missing something. (She would later realize he was missing the hesitation and the worry. They were completely gone from his face. The distractions. It made Sam look like a different person from the Sam who had softly kissed her goodbye before hitting the road a few days earlier.)
She ran out to meet him and he put his strong hands on either side of her face and brought her mouth to his. He kissed her with such intensity that she could feel warmth, and more than a little wetness, spark between her legs. Sam guided her hand to him. Jesus, he was already rock hard. He gasped in a small breath at the touch he had insisted on and said in her ear, "Now, come on," as he hauled her behind him, down the stairs and to his room.
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"Oh God, Blue," was all he could say as he locked his bedroom door behind them and hurriedly undid her shirt. This kind of urgency on Sam's part was new. "If you want me to stop, you're going to have to tell me," he whispered to her, "but God, I need you," she nodded in return, trying to decipher this new version of Sam. He hesitated for one second.
"I want it too," she said directly.
Then all hell broke loose.
In a good way.
Walker found herself stripped out of her clothes. Sam's jeans were off and she was flat on her back. Sam hooked an arm under one of her knees and lifted it up, exposing her completely. In the next second he was over her, pressing, hot and urgent, into her wetness as she yielded. She brought her other leg up to attempt to better accommodate him and she gasped as he entered her without any foreplay. She completely trusted him and so didn't resist when he grasped both her wrists in his good hand and held them, pinned, above her head as he buried himself inside her, all the way to the base, over and over until she couldn't hold back much longer. But Sam wasn't there yet. He'd get close, then slow down for a second, then speed back up. It was driving her crazy and somewhere, through the overwhelming haze of pleasure, the thought occurred to her that this was Sam, totally in control. Maybe for the first time in a very long time. He needed more than release. He needed to be in control. He was bringing her, and himself to the edge, only to pull them back at the last second. When she opened her eyes to look up at him, she was surprised that he wasn't lost in the sensation, with his eyes closed, as he had been all the other times they'd made love. No, his gaze was fixed on her, a slight sheen of sweat on his shoulders. "Please, Sam," she managed to gasp out, "I need to, please let me."
Sam smiled through the exertion and she could tell that she had guessed right. She had just given him the control he was asking for. He let go of her wrists long enough to roll one hard nipple between his fingers and he felt her open and then close down around him as she screamed out and came, soaking him all over again.
He kept up the pace as she contracted again. Too spent to scream this time.
"Oh yeah," Sam breathed out. "So beautiful," he said hushed, before giving one final, incredibly deep thrust and groaned as his body stiffened, then relaxed. She felt him release inside of her in a flood of warmth.
Walker held on, legs wrapped around him now, as he dropped his head down and she ran her hands through his hair.
"I've never needed anyone....like that." Sam admitted
"It's okay," Walker responded. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you."
Sam responded by gently tilting up her chin and kissing her with a softness that was the exact opposite of what she had just experienced.
"That was intense," Walker said, breathing hard.
Sam raised an eyebrow at her.
"Intense-good," she clarified, smiling.
Sam smiled back, "Yeah, it was," he agreed.
She thought she might like this version of Sam.
81.
Dean slumped, exhausted, against the wall of his bedroom and slowly sank down until he was sitting on the floor. He put his head in his hands.
The door flew open and Lisa stormed in. She was pissed.
"I cannot believe you put Ben in that kind of danger," she seethed. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"
Dean looked up at her, exhausted. "He wasn't supposed to be there, Lis'," he said weakly.
"But he WAS there," Lisa went on. "You said he would be safe."
"I know what I said," Dean responded quietly.
Lisa was a bit confused that Dean wasn't getting into a fight with her. She was so angry; terrified that Ben had been in such a dangerous situation. She WANTED to fight with Dean, but he wasn't taking the bait.
"Look Lis'," Dean said, not meeting her eyes, "Ben is an adult. I can try to stop him, but he has to make his own choices."
"Not when they're bad choices," Lisa shot back.
Dean finally looked up at her. "Well, his bad choice is the reason that I'm alive right now."
"What?" said Lisa.
"Michael; he had me by the throat. Ben killed him," Dean said.
Lisa looked stunned. "But...how?"
Dean actually managed a small chuckle, "He shot him with an archangel blade that Cas gave him; loaded into the crossbow.” Dean shook his head slightly in disbelief. "I don't know how he made that shot. He was, like, half a mile away." Dean didn't reveal the fact that Michael had actually succeeded in killing him. Now was not the time.
"You mean Ben wasn't right there?" Lisa asked.
"No," Dean responded, "I didn't know he followed us. But he was cautious. He didn't barge in, guns blazing. You should have seen him Lis'," Dean said, unable to hide the pride in his voice, "He was careful. He was smart. He was everything I'm not."
Suddenly, Lisa was on her knees on the floor next to Dean with most of the fight gone out of her. "I just assumed you involved him without telling me," she confessed.
"Well, I don't blame you for thinking that, with my history," Dean admitted, "But everything Ben did was something he did on his own."
Lisa suddenly put her arms around Dean and buried her face in his neck, inhaling deeply. "I was just so scared," she said quietly. "You and Ben are my life. If anything had happened - "
"We're okay," Dean said hugging her back tight. After a few minutes she loosened her grip on him and sat back down on the floor next to him heavily. She went to lace her fingers through his and, "Oh my God...what happened to your hand?!" she exclaimed.
"Cas patched me up, but he couldn't save it," Dean responded.
"But how'd it happen?" Lisa persisted.
"Lis'," Dean took her hand and looked into her eyes. "It was bad. I'll tell you about it, I swear I will, I just don't know if I can do it right now." Dean thought he might not be able to give her the unadulterated version. Ever. But he'd tell her as much as he could. When he was up to it.
"Okay," Lisa responded. "You're here. You're okay. Ben's okay. Sam came home. That's all that matters."
"Jesus Christ, Lis'," Dean said, putting his free hand over his face. His shoulders heaved a bit. "I didn't know if I'd make it back this time, and just when things are this good..." A tear fell on his lap through the hand over his eyes. "All I wanted was to come back to you. To our family." He couldn't stop it now. "I didn't give a shit about winning," he confessed, "I just wanted to come home."
Lisa wrapped her arms around him. "You made it back, babe. You're here. It's going to be alright," she reassured him.
This was Dean letting go. Letting go of the guilt, of the responsibility, of the crap from his past. He was tired of needing the control. So tired. Control was all he knew, but...he felt Lisa's arms around him and pulled her close, holding her tight as he put his head down on her shoulder and just let it go.
Lisa rubbed the back of his neck and let Dean cry. She knew he needed this from her. He needed to be able to be this vulnerable in front of her. He needed to be able to loosen the reigns.
When the wave of emotion started to subside, Dean wiped his face on his sleeve, slightly embarrassed.
"I love you," Lisa stated, looking deep into his red-rimmed eyes.
"I love you Lis'," he replied. "And I'm getting too old for this shit."
Lisa cracked a smile and Dean gave a small smile in return. "I know you'll always be a hunter, but I hope this is the last time you plan to mess with archangels. Or Lucifer."
"Oh, it's definitely the last time," Dean confirmed.
And it was.
82.
It had been three weeks since they put Stull Cemetery and the mound of dirt on Adam's unmarked grave in their rear view mirror. Sam couldn't remember a time when he'd slept this well in his life. There were no more nightmares. No more Adam's name ringing through his head at 2:00 am. He felt unstoppable.
But Dean wasn't quite his usual self. He seemed distracted. Preoccupied. Sam wondered if, with the crisis averted, Dean was now stressing over marrying Lisa. Sam had tried to talk to him, but Dean blew him off.
At the end of the third week, Dean said, "Hey, Sammy, take a drive with me, would ya?"
"Um, okay," replied Sam. "Where are we going?"
"We're just going," Dean deflected the question. "Come on."
"Should I pack anything?" Sam asked. "Should we tell anyone?"
"Naw," replied Dean. "We're not going that far."
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About 20 miles down the road, Dean pulled off into an empty rest stop.
"Have to pee already, old man?" Sam teased him, but then Sam turned to face Dean and he could see that this wasn't meant to be a joyride.
"I gotta know something," Dean said.
"Okay?" Sam responded.
"Jesus, how do I even start?" Dean said to no one in particular.
Sam began to get a little worried. What did Dean want to know?
"Okay, I'll just say it," Dean said. "Back at the cemetery. Sam, I died."
"I know," Sam responded quietly.
"Oh, yeah, I guess you saw that," Dean said.
Sam looked away.
Dean continued, "When I was out, well, I uh, I talked to Chuck."
Sam snapped his head back to look at Dean, "Chuck the prophet Chuck?!" he asked, incredulously.
"Well, he said he wasn't Chuck, but he looked like Chuck," Dean explained clumsily. "He said he took Chuck's form so that he wouldn’t freak me out."
"Dean; Jesus, Dean, did you...did you talk to God?" Sam asked in a hushed voice.
"No, maybe, I don't know," Dean responded with irritation. "It could have been my brain hallucinating as I was on my way out."
"But maybe it wasn't," Sam prodded.
"Fuck, I don't know what it was, Sam," Dean replied. "But when I was talking to Chuck, I asked about you...if you were okay. He told me that your injuries were, what'd he say, 'grievous', but that you'd survive. What was he talking about?"
Sam shifted in his seat. "He must have been talking about my hand," he replied. "I had a pretty wicked burn."
"I don't think that's what he meant," Dean pressed. "What'd you do, Sam?"
"Look, Dean," Sam said. Dean wasn't going to like this. "Lucifer was coming at me. Austin and Nick were giving it all they had, trying to push him back into the pit, but they were only slowing him down. I had to distract him, break his concentration, so they had a chance."
"Cas already told me all that," Dean replied. "But when I asked what happened to you, he wouldn't tell me. Said I had to ask you myself. Why wouldn't he tell me what happened,?"
"When you say 'yes' once, they have all-access pass to you forever," Sam tried to explain.
"Know that," Dean cut him off. "Michael, remember?"
"Uh, yeah," stammered Sam. "Guess you know that."
"What'd you do?" Dean was starting to raise his voice.
Sam was going to have to tell him. "I couldn't let him wear me. And you were GONE Dean. You were just...gone," Sam looked away again.
"What'd you do?" Dean repeated.
"I shot myself, okay?" Sam said is exasperation. "I had to distract Lucifer."
"What, like you shot yourself in the leg or something?" Dean asked.
"No, Dean, I, I uh, I ate my gun," Sam admitted.
"YOU WHAT?!" Dean yelled.
Sam was worked up now. Who was Dean to criticize? He hadn't been the one left without his brother, "I fucking pressed my gun to my jaw, Dean, and pulled the fucking trigger because....I can't do this without you," Sam responded angrily.
"What are you talking about?" Dean replied, brow furrowed. "Sam, you can do anything in the world you want."
"I guess I have to spell it out for you then," Sam said, voice rising, "I don't fucking WANT to do this without you, okay?!"
Sam expected Dean to unload on him. For giving up. For not going down fighting. For choosing to leave their family and friends. For throwing away the life that Dean had spent so many years protecting.
But there was only silence.
Sam slowly looked back to Dean, wondering where the shitstorm went.
Dean was looking at him intensely.
"I don't want to do this without you either," Dean replied.
They looked at each other for a minute.
"Come here, bitch," Dean said, and Sam scooted over and accepted the hug. He hugged him back.
"Shit, that was close," Dean said, voice low.
"Yeah, I know," Sam responded.
"I'm sorry I left you," Dean said with sincerity.
"Not like you can stop a fucking archangel," Sam replied, finally pulling away.
Dean looked thoughtful. "Ben stopped him," he said simply.
"Yeah," said Sam, smiling. "That was pretty fucking amazing. Killing an archangel on your first trip out?" Sam gave a low whistle. "No one does that."
"I know," replied Dean. "So, you thinking 'one and done' for Ben?"
"I dunno, Dean," Sam replied honestly. "He's good. He's smart too. He's like you and me put together."
Dean smirked. "Yeah, I guess he kind of is. Which is why he can't be a hunter. He's gotta go to school."
"Walker's on it," Sam reassured him. "He's going to go to college Dean. He's gonna kick it in the ass."
"Yeah," Dean smiled proudly, "I know he will."
They sat in silence for a moment. The silence was broken by Dean firing the Impala back up.
"So," Dean asked, "do you think Austin is going to be able to toe the line?"
Sam looked thoughtful. He'd spent a few days with Austin, trying everything he could think of to see how much juice he had left in him. It wasn't much. Without Nick around, and with Lucifer locked up tight again, just as Sam and guessed, Austin's powers were minimal. "He's pretty much like any other kid right now," Sam surmised.
"Yeah, but what's to stop some other demon bitch from dropping by his school and making him an offer he can't refuse?" Dean asked.
"Austin's got his head on straight," Sam replied. "He knows it's up to him and, well, you heard him at the diner, he knows that the only way he can stay out of it is to choose to stay out of it."
"Do you think he's always going to choose right?" Dean asked.
"I can't answer that," Sam admitted. "But he's going to be okay. At least for now," he finished rather ominously.” We’ve left others alive before, Dean," Sam reminded him, "And we owe Austin a hell of a lot more than any of the others."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Dean agreed. "But it makes my skin crawl...knowing a kid with that much power, someone that a billion evil sons of bitches would love to get their claws on, is out there walking around right now."
"I know," Sam acknowledged, "but he's strong and as long as he stays strong in the right way, we'll never have to deal with him again."
"Here's hoping," responded Dean cautiously. "Except that he and Ben seem to get along pretty well."
"Yeah, I noticed," Sam replied. "But maybe that's good...maybe that will help Austin stay focused. I mean, Ben's never going to encourage him to go dark side; maybe he'll help him resist."
"I'd rather he didn't have anything to do with him, at all" Dean admitted, concern lining his face.
"Do you think they'd really keep in touch when Ben goes to college in the fall?” Sam wondered aloud, “Ben and Austin?"
"I hope not," Dean replied. They knew that any contact with Austin was really up to Ben. They also knew that if anything even started to look like it might go south, they'd be there to protect Ben in a second. They sat together in thoughtful silence for a minute.
"Sam?" Dean asked, before throwing it into reverse.
"Yeah?" responded Sam.
"Don't you ever even think about ending your own life, you hear me?"
"You too," Sam responded. "I don't care how bad it gets Dean. Ever. We go down fighting together or we don't go down at all, deal?"
"Deal," responded Dean, squealing the tires out of the rest area.
As they pulled back onto the 2-lane highway, Dean said, "Hey Sam?"
"What?" Sam said, not really paying attention.
"How does someone miss when they are trying to fucking shoot themselves in the head?"
Sam looked at Dean smirking. Figures Dean would joke about suicide. "I didn't 'miss', asshole."
"Oh, don't get me wrong; I've never been so Goddamn thankful that you're such a lousy shot."
"I'm a great shot, jerkwad," Sam responded, also smiling now. "You know Cas healed me...I didn't miss."
"Put your money where your mouth is then," Dean taunted him. "When we get home, you and me, at the range...I bet $100 I can beat you."
"Do you HAVE $100?" Sam asked sarcastically.
"Shut up," Dean responded.
"Hey, Dean," Sam said after a few moments went by.
"What?"
"Can we try to not die fighting anytime soon?" Sam asked.
"Yeah," Dean responded. "I'm kind of enjoying getting laid all the time. It's pretty awesome."
Sam broke into a grin. "Yeah, me too," he admitted. "You know it's not just about getting laid though, right? Me and Walker."
"I know," Dean responded. "Even a blind guy could see that you love her."
Sam smiled quietly in wordless admission. "That obvious, huh?"
"It is to me," Dean replied. "But I think I know you pretty well."
Sam nodded, smiling quietly to himself. Sometimes it infuriated him, but mostly he loved that Dean knew him so well.
"Hey, you wanna grab some food, Sammy?" Dean asked. "Maybe that place that has those stupid huge salads that you love?"
"You mean the same place that has the chocolate pie with the caramel sauce that I think you said was 'better than sex'?" Sam asked.
"Aw, I love it when you talk dirty to me, Sammy," Dean joked with him.
"Shut up," Sam laughed. "That's what, like an hour away?"
"Yeah, about that," Dean confirmed.
"I'll call home," Sam said, "let 'em know we'll be gone a little while."
Dean sat there thinking about how weird it was that they had a home. A home that felt like home. With people there they loved. Loved enough to report in to and not feel like they were reporting in. Suddenly he said, "I don't wanna check out anytime soon, Sammy."
Sam nodded in agreement, "Yeah, me neither."
"Good," Dean said quietly.
next - HOME (part 2) chapters 83 - 86
back to Masterpost
They didn't realize that "everyone" included Ben.
Mary rolled up first. The Impala rumbled to a stop right behind the Mustang. Ben got out of his car and ran to Lisa, hugging her. Lisa was in shock. Wasn't Ben supposed to be tutoring at the school? I mean, he'd just e-mailed her back that morning.
"Ben?" she sputtered, "What are you doing here?"
"I had to help, mom," he replied, still hugging her as she tried to push him away.
Dean blew past the two of them and headed into the bunker.
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"Hey, man," Garth got up from the table to head towards Dean, "welcome home, it's so good - "
"Garth, I'm sorry," Dean said tightly, "I just need a minute, okay?"
Garth felt like he'd been slapped, but could see that Dean was most definitely not okay. "Uh, yeah, sure," he said as Dean walked past him, "we'll catch up later!" he called to Dean's retreating back.
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Sam locked eyes on Walker as soon as he stepped out of the car. She drew in her breath. Sam had some deep bruises starting to form around one eye and his split lip was swollen. His right hand was thickly wrapped in bandages. But there was something else.
Sam had a single-minded intensity that she'd never seen before. Like every fiber of his being was focused. On her. She thought that he looked like he was missing something. (She would later realize he was missing the hesitation and the worry. They were completely gone from his face. The distractions. It made Sam look like a different person from the Sam who had softly kissed her goodbye before hitting the road a few days earlier.)
She ran out to meet him and he put his strong hands on either side of her face and brought her mouth to his. He kissed her with such intensity that she could feel warmth, and more than a little wetness, spark between her legs. Sam guided her hand to him. Jesus, he was already rock hard. He gasped in a small breath at the touch he had insisted on and said in her ear, "Now, come on," as he hauled her behind him, down the stairs and to his room.
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"Oh God, Blue," was all he could say as he locked his bedroom door behind them and hurriedly undid her shirt. This kind of urgency on Sam's part was new. "If you want me to stop, you're going to have to tell me," he whispered to her, "but God, I need you," she nodded in return, trying to decipher this new version of Sam. He hesitated for one second.
"I want it too," she said directly.
Then all hell broke loose.
In a good way.
Walker found herself stripped out of her clothes. Sam's jeans were off and she was flat on her back. Sam hooked an arm under one of her knees and lifted it up, exposing her completely. In the next second he was over her, pressing, hot and urgent, into her wetness as she yielded. She brought her other leg up to attempt to better accommodate him and she gasped as he entered her without any foreplay. She completely trusted him and so didn't resist when he grasped both her wrists in his good hand and held them, pinned, above her head as he buried himself inside her, all the way to the base, over and over until she couldn't hold back much longer. But Sam wasn't there yet. He'd get close, then slow down for a second, then speed back up. It was driving her crazy and somewhere, through the overwhelming haze of pleasure, the thought occurred to her that this was Sam, totally in control. Maybe for the first time in a very long time. He needed more than release. He needed to be in control. He was bringing her, and himself to the edge, only to pull them back at the last second. When she opened her eyes to look up at him, she was surprised that he wasn't lost in the sensation, with his eyes closed, as he had been all the other times they'd made love. No, his gaze was fixed on her, a slight sheen of sweat on his shoulders. "Please, Sam," she managed to gasp out, "I need to, please let me."
Sam smiled through the exertion and she could tell that she had guessed right. She had just given him the control he was asking for. He let go of her wrists long enough to roll one hard nipple between his fingers and he felt her open and then close down around him as she screamed out and came, soaking him all over again.
He kept up the pace as she contracted again. Too spent to scream this time.
"Oh yeah," Sam breathed out. "So beautiful," he said hushed, before giving one final, incredibly deep thrust and groaned as his body stiffened, then relaxed. She felt him release inside of her in a flood of warmth.
Walker held on, legs wrapped around him now, as he dropped his head down and she ran her hands through his hair.
"I've never needed anyone....like that." Sam admitted
"It's okay," Walker responded. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you."
Sam responded by gently tilting up her chin and kissing her with a softness that was the exact opposite of what she had just experienced.
"That was intense," Walker said, breathing hard.
Sam raised an eyebrow at her.
"Intense-good," she clarified, smiling.
Sam smiled back, "Yeah, it was," he agreed.
She thought she might like this version of Sam.
81.
Dean slumped, exhausted, against the wall of his bedroom and slowly sank down until he was sitting on the floor. He put his head in his hands.
The door flew open and Lisa stormed in. She was pissed.
"I cannot believe you put Ben in that kind of danger," she seethed. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"
Dean looked up at her, exhausted. "He wasn't supposed to be there, Lis'," he said weakly.
"But he WAS there," Lisa went on. "You said he would be safe."
"I know what I said," Dean responded quietly.
Lisa was a bit confused that Dean wasn't getting into a fight with her. She was so angry; terrified that Ben had been in such a dangerous situation. She WANTED to fight with Dean, but he wasn't taking the bait.
"Look Lis'," Dean said, not meeting her eyes, "Ben is an adult. I can try to stop him, but he has to make his own choices."
"Not when they're bad choices," Lisa shot back.
Dean finally looked up at her. "Well, his bad choice is the reason that I'm alive right now."
"What?" said Lisa.
"Michael; he had me by the throat. Ben killed him," Dean said.
Lisa looked stunned. "But...how?"
Dean actually managed a small chuckle, "He shot him with an archangel blade that Cas gave him; loaded into the crossbow.” Dean shook his head slightly in disbelief. "I don't know how he made that shot. He was, like, half a mile away." Dean didn't reveal the fact that Michael had actually succeeded in killing him. Now was not the time.
"You mean Ben wasn't right there?" Lisa asked.
"No," Dean responded, "I didn't know he followed us. But he was cautious. He didn't barge in, guns blazing. You should have seen him Lis'," Dean said, unable to hide the pride in his voice, "He was careful. He was smart. He was everything I'm not."
Suddenly, Lisa was on her knees on the floor next to Dean with most of the fight gone out of her. "I just assumed you involved him without telling me," she confessed.
"Well, I don't blame you for thinking that, with my history," Dean admitted, "But everything Ben did was something he did on his own."
Lisa suddenly put her arms around Dean and buried her face in his neck, inhaling deeply. "I was just so scared," she said quietly. "You and Ben are my life. If anything had happened - "
"We're okay," Dean said hugging her back tight. After a few minutes she loosened her grip on him and sat back down on the floor next to him heavily. She went to lace her fingers through his and, "Oh my God...what happened to your hand?!" she exclaimed.
"Cas patched me up, but he couldn't save it," Dean responded.
"But how'd it happen?" Lisa persisted.
"Lis'," Dean took her hand and looked into her eyes. "It was bad. I'll tell you about it, I swear I will, I just don't know if I can do it right now." Dean thought he might not be able to give her the unadulterated version. Ever. But he'd tell her as much as he could. When he was up to it.
"Okay," Lisa responded. "You're here. You're okay. Ben's okay. Sam came home. That's all that matters."
"Jesus Christ, Lis'," Dean said, putting his free hand over his face. His shoulders heaved a bit. "I didn't know if I'd make it back this time, and just when things are this good..." A tear fell on his lap through the hand over his eyes. "All I wanted was to come back to you. To our family." He couldn't stop it now. "I didn't give a shit about winning," he confessed, "I just wanted to come home."
Lisa wrapped her arms around him. "You made it back, babe. You're here. It's going to be alright," she reassured him.
This was Dean letting go. Letting go of the guilt, of the responsibility, of the crap from his past. He was tired of needing the control. So tired. Control was all he knew, but...he felt Lisa's arms around him and pulled her close, holding her tight as he put his head down on her shoulder and just let it go.
Lisa rubbed the back of his neck and let Dean cry. She knew he needed this from her. He needed to be able to be this vulnerable in front of her. He needed to be able to loosen the reigns.
When the wave of emotion started to subside, Dean wiped his face on his sleeve, slightly embarrassed.
"I love you," Lisa stated, looking deep into his red-rimmed eyes.
"I love you Lis'," he replied. "And I'm getting too old for this shit."
Lisa cracked a smile and Dean gave a small smile in return. "I know you'll always be a hunter, but I hope this is the last time you plan to mess with archangels. Or Lucifer."
"Oh, it's definitely the last time," Dean confirmed.
And it was.
82.
It had been three weeks since they put Stull Cemetery and the mound of dirt on Adam's unmarked grave in their rear view mirror. Sam couldn't remember a time when he'd slept this well in his life. There were no more nightmares. No more Adam's name ringing through his head at 2:00 am. He felt unstoppable.
But Dean wasn't quite his usual self. He seemed distracted. Preoccupied. Sam wondered if, with the crisis averted, Dean was now stressing over marrying Lisa. Sam had tried to talk to him, but Dean blew him off.
At the end of the third week, Dean said, "Hey, Sammy, take a drive with me, would ya?"
"Um, okay," replied Sam. "Where are we going?"
"We're just going," Dean deflected the question. "Come on."
"Should I pack anything?" Sam asked. "Should we tell anyone?"
"Naw," replied Dean. "We're not going that far."
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About 20 miles down the road, Dean pulled off into an empty rest stop.
"Have to pee already, old man?" Sam teased him, but then Sam turned to face Dean and he could see that this wasn't meant to be a joyride.
"I gotta know something," Dean said.
"Okay?" Sam responded.
"Jesus, how do I even start?" Dean said to no one in particular.
Sam began to get a little worried. What did Dean want to know?
"Okay, I'll just say it," Dean said. "Back at the cemetery. Sam, I died."
"I know," Sam responded quietly.
"Oh, yeah, I guess you saw that," Dean said.
Sam looked away.
Dean continued, "When I was out, well, I uh, I talked to Chuck."
Sam snapped his head back to look at Dean, "Chuck the prophet Chuck?!" he asked, incredulously.
"Well, he said he wasn't Chuck, but he looked like Chuck," Dean explained clumsily. "He said he took Chuck's form so that he wouldn’t freak me out."
"Dean; Jesus, Dean, did you...did you talk to God?" Sam asked in a hushed voice.
"No, maybe, I don't know," Dean responded with irritation. "It could have been my brain hallucinating as I was on my way out."
"But maybe it wasn't," Sam prodded.
"Fuck, I don't know what it was, Sam," Dean replied. "But when I was talking to Chuck, I asked about you...if you were okay. He told me that your injuries were, what'd he say, 'grievous', but that you'd survive. What was he talking about?"
Sam shifted in his seat. "He must have been talking about my hand," he replied. "I had a pretty wicked burn."
"I don't think that's what he meant," Dean pressed. "What'd you do, Sam?"
"Look, Dean," Sam said. Dean wasn't going to like this. "Lucifer was coming at me. Austin and Nick were giving it all they had, trying to push him back into the pit, but they were only slowing him down. I had to distract him, break his concentration, so they had a chance."
"Cas already told me all that," Dean replied. "But when I asked what happened to you, he wouldn't tell me. Said I had to ask you myself. Why wouldn't he tell me what happened,?"
"When you say 'yes' once, they have all-access pass to you forever," Sam tried to explain.
"Know that," Dean cut him off. "Michael, remember?"
"Uh, yeah," stammered Sam. "Guess you know that."
"What'd you do?" Dean was starting to raise his voice.
Sam was going to have to tell him. "I couldn't let him wear me. And you were GONE Dean. You were just...gone," Sam looked away again.
"What'd you do?" Dean repeated.
"I shot myself, okay?" Sam said is exasperation. "I had to distract Lucifer."
"What, like you shot yourself in the leg or something?" Dean asked.
"No, Dean, I, I uh, I ate my gun," Sam admitted.
"YOU WHAT?!" Dean yelled.
Sam was worked up now. Who was Dean to criticize? He hadn't been the one left without his brother, "I fucking pressed my gun to my jaw, Dean, and pulled the fucking trigger because....I can't do this without you," Sam responded angrily.
"What are you talking about?" Dean replied, brow furrowed. "Sam, you can do anything in the world you want."
"I guess I have to spell it out for you then," Sam said, voice rising, "I don't fucking WANT to do this without you, okay?!"
Sam expected Dean to unload on him. For giving up. For not going down fighting. For choosing to leave their family and friends. For throwing away the life that Dean had spent so many years protecting.
But there was only silence.
Sam slowly looked back to Dean, wondering where the shitstorm went.
Dean was looking at him intensely.
"I don't want to do this without you either," Dean replied.
They looked at each other for a minute.
"Come here, bitch," Dean said, and Sam scooted over and accepted the hug. He hugged him back.
"Shit, that was close," Dean said, voice low.
"Yeah, I know," Sam responded.
"I'm sorry I left you," Dean said with sincerity.
"Not like you can stop a fucking archangel," Sam replied, finally pulling away.
Dean looked thoughtful. "Ben stopped him," he said simply.
"Yeah," said Sam, smiling. "That was pretty fucking amazing. Killing an archangel on your first trip out?" Sam gave a low whistle. "No one does that."
"I know," replied Dean. "So, you thinking 'one and done' for Ben?"
"I dunno, Dean," Sam replied honestly. "He's good. He's smart too. He's like you and me put together."
Dean smirked. "Yeah, I guess he kind of is. Which is why he can't be a hunter. He's gotta go to school."
"Walker's on it," Sam reassured him. "He's going to go to college Dean. He's gonna kick it in the ass."
"Yeah," Dean smiled proudly, "I know he will."
They sat in silence for a moment. The silence was broken by Dean firing the Impala back up.
"So," Dean asked, "do you think Austin is going to be able to toe the line?"
Sam looked thoughtful. He'd spent a few days with Austin, trying everything he could think of to see how much juice he had left in him. It wasn't much. Without Nick around, and with Lucifer locked up tight again, just as Sam and guessed, Austin's powers were minimal. "He's pretty much like any other kid right now," Sam surmised.
"Yeah, but what's to stop some other demon bitch from dropping by his school and making him an offer he can't refuse?" Dean asked.
"Austin's got his head on straight," Sam replied. "He knows it's up to him and, well, you heard him at the diner, he knows that the only way he can stay out of it is to choose to stay out of it."
"Do you think he's always going to choose right?" Dean asked.
"I can't answer that," Sam admitted. "But he's going to be okay. At least for now," he finished rather ominously.” We’ve left others alive before, Dean," Sam reminded him, "And we owe Austin a hell of a lot more than any of the others."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Dean agreed. "But it makes my skin crawl...knowing a kid with that much power, someone that a billion evil sons of bitches would love to get their claws on, is out there walking around right now."
"I know," Sam acknowledged, "but he's strong and as long as he stays strong in the right way, we'll never have to deal with him again."
"Here's hoping," responded Dean cautiously. "Except that he and Ben seem to get along pretty well."
"Yeah, I noticed," Sam replied. "But maybe that's good...maybe that will help Austin stay focused. I mean, Ben's never going to encourage him to go dark side; maybe he'll help him resist."
"I'd rather he didn't have anything to do with him, at all" Dean admitted, concern lining his face.
"Do you think they'd really keep in touch when Ben goes to college in the fall?” Sam wondered aloud, “Ben and Austin?"
"I hope not," Dean replied. They knew that any contact with Austin was really up to Ben. They also knew that if anything even started to look like it might go south, they'd be there to protect Ben in a second. They sat together in thoughtful silence for a minute.
"Sam?" Dean asked, before throwing it into reverse.
"Yeah?" responded Sam.
"Don't you ever even think about ending your own life, you hear me?"
"You too," Sam responded. "I don't care how bad it gets Dean. Ever. We go down fighting together or we don't go down at all, deal?"
"Deal," responded Dean, squealing the tires out of the rest area.
As they pulled back onto the 2-lane highway, Dean said, "Hey Sam?"
"What?" Sam said, not really paying attention.
"How does someone miss when they are trying to fucking shoot themselves in the head?"
Sam looked at Dean smirking. Figures Dean would joke about suicide. "I didn't 'miss', asshole."
"Oh, don't get me wrong; I've never been so Goddamn thankful that you're such a lousy shot."
"I'm a great shot, jerkwad," Sam responded, also smiling now. "You know Cas healed me...I didn't miss."
"Put your money where your mouth is then," Dean taunted him. "When we get home, you and me, at the range...I bet $100 I can beat you."
"Do you HAVE $100?" Sam asked sarcastically.
"Shut up," Dean responded.
"Hey, Dean," Sam said after a few moments went by.
"What?"
"Can we try to not die fighting anytime soon?" Sam asked.
"Yeah," Dean responded. "I'm kind of enjoying getting laid all the time. It's pretty awesome."
Sam broke into a grin. "Yeah, me too," he admitted. "You know it's not just about getting laid though, right? Me and Walker."
"I know," Dean responded. "Even a blind guy could see that you love her."
Sam smiled quietly in wordless admission. "That obvious, huh?"
"It is to me," Dean replied. "But I think I know you pretty well."
Sam nodded, smiling quietly to himself. Sometimes it infuriated him, but mostly he loved that Dean knew him so well.
"Hey, you wanna grab some food, Sammy?" Dean asked. "Maybe that place that has those stupid huge salads that you love?"
"You mean the same place that has the chocolate pie with the caramel sauce that I think you said was 'better than sex'?" Sam asked.
"Aw, I love it when you talk dirty to me, Sammy," Dean joked with him.
"Shut up," Sam laughed. "That's what, like an hour away?"
"Yeah, about that," Dean confirmed.
"I'll call home," Sam said, "let 'em know we'll be gone a little while."
Dean sat there thinking about how weird it was that they had a home. A home that felt like home. With people there they loved. Loved enough to report in to and not feel like they were reporting in. Suddenly he said, "I don't wanna check out anytime soon, Sammy."
Sam nodded in agreement, "Yeah, me neither."
"Good," Dean said quietly.
next - HOME (part 2) chapters 83 - 86
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