fic: amidst shadows and lights 2/3

[inbetweencabs]

ONE

TWO

“I asked you a question.”

Kris slowly twisted his hand which gripped the man’s arms and he saw how his eyes closed in pain, his mouth opening in a painful whimper. He gripped the base of the man’s skull menacingly and hoped that it would send his message loud and clear.

He had seen the man following him everywhere for the last couple of days; with his tight jeans and dark eyeliner, he was hardly inconspicuous. It didn’t help that they were in an Asian city, making him a head taller than almost everyone. Even when he was quite far away to be actually noticed, Kris still saw his black hair and blue eyes. Even some of the people who worked with Kris had noticed the man’s lurking presence and thought that maybe he just had a crush on Kris, that he was just too shy to ask him out.

But they didn’t know the secrets that lurked Kris’s past, the snippets of his life that haunted him wherever he went. His life was not as simple as he wished it was or would be, and that was why he just had to know who the man he had backed against the wall was.

The man stopped struggling but Kris still maintained his tight grip. He gritted his teeth when the man remained silent. “Tell me your name.”

“Adam,” the man said in between choked breaths. He still had his eyes closed as if he was afraid to look at Kris.

“Alright, Adam,” Kris leaned closer to whisper in Adam’s ear, “maybe you can now tell me why you’re stalking me?”

“I saw…” Adam gasped out and Kris loosened the grip on his neck a little, “I saw you and Jade.”

Kris’s pulse started to quicken and he pushed Adam harder against the wall. “I don’t know a Jade.”

Adam’s eyes opened and the fear was gone; in its place was just plain and simple curiosity which confused Kris even more.

“Let me go and I’ll tell you all about it.”

Kris narrowed his eyes. “Don’t even try to do anything because you have no idea what I can do to you.” He then slowly let Adam go.

Adam slumped against the wall, falling on his knees and breathing deeply. Kris took a few steps back warily and braced his feet steadily, ready to protect himself if Adam moved to hurt him.

But Adam did nothing but just sit on the ground, his arms slung over his bent knees and face upturned towards Kris.

He really was beautiful - Kris would have to be blind not to notice it. The shadows cast by the dim lights coming from the end of the alley fell on Adam's face, magnifying its fierce sharpness. And yet there was a vulnerable softness around his mouth, something that would have made Kris want to know him better in a different time.

Or maybe a different life.

But he knew that thinking about that was a moot point so Kris just stepped outside of himself, holding on tightly to the only way he had let himself live.



They ended up going back to Xaymaca, Kris walking a step behind Adam to make sure that he went where Kris told him to. The band had finished its set and there were just a few hangers-on still drinking and bopping their heads to the music. Kris felt himself relax a little, knowing that he would at least be safe with his friends nearby just in case Adam tried something.

Not that Adam did anything except stare at him. Kris found it disconcerting to be the focus of Adam’s attention, of those blue eyes that seemed to try and read him from within. But apart from that, Adam just walked with a graceful gait with only the rigid set of his shoulders telling Kris that he was still a little scared.

Kris could not decide whether to be disturbed or relieved with that thought.

They sat at the far end of the bar, the darkness giving them some semblance of privacy. After ordering drinks, Kris said, “Let’s get this over with. What do you want?”

Adam looked straight at him when he replied. “I told you. I saw you and Jade.”

Kris hastened to deny knowing Jade but Adam cut him off. “It would really be a waste of your time to deny knowing your first love.”

Kris felt his face flush, the sudden rush of anger going through his body making him clench his fists. What he felt probably showed in his face because Adam’s eyes widened in surprise and curiosity, his distracting mouth parting slightly. Adam actually looked fascinated, taking in Kris’s reaction with his head slightly tilted.

“If you know what’s good for you, you will stop talking about her. You will stop saying her name.” Kris leaned forward, his mouth softly brushing the lobe of Adam’s left ear. “You will go back to whoever sent you here and leave me alone.”

Adam turned his head before Kris could move away. His mouth was just an inch away from Kris’s when he said, “I saw how she died, Kris. I saw through her eyes. I saw how you were the last person she saw.”

Kris tried to keep the surprise from showing on his face as he slowly moved away, gaze never leaving Adam’s face. “I’ve never seen Jade since high school. Sorry to disappoint you but…

“I first saw her - it - in my dream…”

“Really? You saw it in a dream?” Kris sneered and raised an eyebrow.

Adam closed his eyes. “Yes. Jade remembered all the songs you wrote for her and that yellow star pendant you gave her when summer camp ended. You told her that you got it in a thrift store in LA when you visited your uncle and it reminded you of how she loved watching the stars at night.”

Kris felt himself gape at Adam who was now slowly opening his eyes, looking unfocused for a moment, as if he hadn’t just told Kris that he saw one of his fondest memories - something that he had kept a secret from everyone - in a dream.

A moment later, his gaze fell back on Kris’s face, intense and beautiful, and Kris couldn’t stop the shiver that went through his body.

“Did you know her? Did she tell you this?” He couldn’t stop the slight tremor in his voice when he spoke, a muted echo of the pain he always felt whenever he thought of Jade.

“Kris, I swear that the first time I saw her was in a dream right after I caught the news item about her when she died five years ago. You can have my background checked and you would see that I’m telling the truth.”

“How…”

“I told you, I saw through her eyes. I felt what she was feeling and her thoughts were my own every time I dreamt about her. And that memory was what went through her mind when she saw your face.”

“Right before I killed her.”

Adam tried to hide the wince before he nodded but Kris still saw it. Kris wanted to laugh at how unbelievably surreal his life was. He bit the inside of his cheek and pushed the memories of Jade away.

“Who are you then?” Kris found himself asking, the confusion weighing heavier than everything else at that moment.

“I’m a photographer and a writer, and I was doing research on your family when I first saw you in my dream…”

Kris laughed, the disbelief evident in its mocking tone. “So you’re one of them. Congratulations. You found the missing Allen, the missing Bell,” he drew the last word out with disdain.

Adam raised his eyebrows. “I’m not here to gossip. Your family is very prominent and there’s a lot of interest in you so we featured you in our books. I swear I’m not just trying to get a scoop or something.”

Kris just shrugged, fully intent on not letting his guard down.

Adam sighed. “I’m not working on the Bell book anymore. I asked to be pulled out of it when the visions about you and Jade started coming.” He waved his hand vaguely towards the door. “I’m actually here on assignment, to take pictures of the churches in this city.”

“No. You’re here to stalk me.”

“Well, yeah, that too,” Adam bit his lip and Kris tried not to smile at the grudging honesty.

“If you were doing your research right, you would know that I wasn’t even in the US when…” Kris broke off and swallowed hard, “that thing with Jade happened.”

“I know.” Adam stared at him intensely and Kris felt his hand clutch the bottle of beer he was drinking from tightly, the condensation slipping through his fingers not doing anything to make him look away from Adam’s face. “But you are Sylvia Allen’s great grandson. And if the stories are to be believed, being in a different place doesn’t really work as an alibi for you.”

Kris let a few seconds of silence sit between them, all the while not breaking eye contact with Adam. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware that most of the people had left and the club’s staff had started cleaning up, the sound of clinking glasses and cutlery coming from behind the kitchen doors. But all of that seemed so distant, as if he was seeing it from afar, and maybe he was, because right there before him was a reminder of why he always chased reality away.

And he was good at that, an expert even, and he’d be damned if someone like Adam broke him.

Kris put the beer back on the countertop, wiped his hands on his jeans and sighed. “Sorry, man. You can follow me all you want but you’d get nothing because I have no idea what happened to Jade.” He shook his head and looked at his feet. “I really can’t understand why you’re here.”

“Kris,” he looked up when Adam softly spoke, “if I’m being honest, I had no other personal interest in you or your family before this. I followed your cousin Brad’s life as a celebrity and nothing else.”

Adam shook his head when he said, “That’s why I really have no idea why I got on that plane and came here to chase you.”

Kris marvelled at the way that Adam’s wry smile gave him such a believable expression of disbelief. But Kris decided to stand and put his beer back on the countertop. “Then leave me alone,” he said before turning away without looking back.

: : : : :

Kris stood in the darkness, looking at the stranger - Adam - who had disturbed his carefully crafted peace and quiet in the few weeks since he appeared. Adam’s expression was a cross between resigned and curious after Kris had left him sitting in the bar by himself, and Kris just could not seem to look away. And if he was being honest with himself, Kris wanted to stay and talk to Adam, maybe just to ask him about the things that Kris had left behind.

Kris did not come to Asia on a whim; it was probably the most difficult decision that he had had to make.

When Kris was named heir, the surprise within the family was as palpable as that which went through the observing public. Nobody really knew who he was; it was as if he came from nowhere and then there he was, placed side by side with the always-compelling Brad.

Kris loved his family, even the ones he was not particularly close to. The fame and notoriety that they inherited along with the wealth and the name gave them a sense of isolation, and they all depended on each other, fiercely loyal and protective of their own. Kris was not a stranger to that feeling and though he found himself questioning why he was chosen, he still spent the first few months after being named heir attending meetings to get to know the more prominent side of his family, especially Brad.

But then Jade was killed.

Kris was meeting an uncle in Paris when it happened. His mother had called him, telling him that Jade’s sister had told her that right before Jade was killed, she had told her sister that she was about to meet Kris.

It was at that time that Kris understood the slightly frightened look that flitted through his mother’s otherwise elated expression when she wrapped him in her arms after they received the news that he had been named as heir. It was never discussed within the family but Kris knew about the myths surrounding their name, and how a chain of events had led to that.

When Kris learned that there were red rose petals scattered over Jade’s body, the coldness in his heart turned into a hatred that came from disillusionment, binding him with the same force that love and loyalty did. And he knew that if he wanted to actually live, to breathe, he had to leave and just be someone else.

And it worked - for the most part. But there were times when he saw Brad’s face in the news or heard something that reminded him of his family, and he would feel that pull in his gut that made him remember the things that he had convinced himself he never wanted.

That very same feeling always came over him whenever he saw Adam. And it just unsettled him because there was nothing in the world he wanted more than just to sit in that bar a little longer, just to hear Adam talk and maybe laugh. Maybe Kris would laugh too, like it was possible that something as mundane as conversation on a summer night could lead to something tangible and life-changing, and Kris was not sure if he could afford to have something like that.

And so he left, content to stand in the dark, looking at the back of Adam’s head as he walked away. In that way, Kris could still hold on to the perfect fantasy that would stay completely unchanged even if reality came to claim him once again.

: : : : :

A week had already passed since Kris confronted Adam; it had also been a week since Kris last saw him. Kris was pleasantly surprised on the first day of Adam’s absence. He even entertained himself with the thought that maybe Adam had finally accepted what Kris had told him, opting to just head back home to pursue more worthy stories.

But the days went on and Kris found himself looking around, craning his neck even if he knew that he wouldn’t see the familiar face that became his shadow for a few weeks. He relegated the slight twinge of sadness he felt to the fact that he lost a familiar face, something that reminded him of the home he wanted to run away from but still missed terribly.

And so, Kris was not prepared for the frantic beating of his heart that came with being pleasantly surprised when Adam reappeared on the doorstep of his apartment several days later. But as soon as he saw how pale Adam’s frightened and tense face was, Kris’s mind raced and he swallowed hard, fear settling in his chest.

Adam clutched Kris’s arm tightly as he said, “Hunter. Do you know where Hunter is?”

Kris felt the paralyzing fear course through him when he heard what Adam said. Adam just uttered the name again and again, as if it was a mantra.

“Adam,” Kris said loudly, his own voice trembling.

But Adam just stared into the distance, blue eyes unfocused and bright, as he babbled.

Kris reached up and cradled Adam’s face with both of his hands before softly saying, “Adam. Yes, I know where Hunter is.”

That made Adam focus back on Kris, eyes widening in sudden recognition. “Kris! I… I don’t know…”

“I know where Hunter is,” Kris repeated, his throat tight at seeing Adam at his most vulnerable.

“He’s going to die,” Adam said, still looking deep into Kris’s eyes.

The coldness seeped into Kris’s heart and then he was suddenly very aware of how close he was standing to Adam, how his trembling fingers were splayed against Adam’s freckled cheeks. And there was nothing he could do but to take an unsteady step back, his mind racing with just a little too much, his chest heaving with fear, anger and resignation.

“We need to go inside, Adam.”

Adam followed blindly, reaching out to hold on to Kris’s arm after a few steps. Kris turned to look back and held Adam’s shaking hands as they walked to the couch.

“I saw you there again,” Adam said softly, looking both scared and intrigued.

Kris felt his jaw clench and he closed his eyes, willing the tension to slip away from his shoulders. “What did you see?”

“Right before Hunter dies, he sees you,” Adam breathes deeply, “and I felt how much he loves you, how happy he is that you’re there.”

That made Kris look up. “He loves me?”

“I saw through his eyes, Kris. I felt what he felt.” Adam was still sitting rigidly a few feet away from Kris, his shaking hands resting lightly in his lap. “And then, he says your name, you kiss him and then he dies.”

Kris let himself fall back on the couch, staring at the ceiling unblinkingly. Kris didn’t even realize that Adam had moved closer until he felt Adam’s hands rest over his. The tender touch made him straighten up and move away from Adam.

“Hunter’s dead,” he said flatly. “He died here in Manila six months ago.”

Kris tried not to look at Adam’s shocked face as he continued speaking. “That’s why I’m here. He was helping with the health centre, heading the AIDS program when he died. Someone had to take over for him so I came over and I thought… he got mugged, they said.” He smiled ruefully. “Yeah, because muggers spread red rose petals over the corpses of the people they accidentally kill.”

Adam didn’t speak but he moved closer and wrapped Kris in his arms. Kris just let himself be enveloped in the hug, resting his cheek on Adam’s chest, appreciating the warmth but not wanting to reciprocate.

When Adam spoke, it was barely a whisper.

“He loved you, Kris. He did, even to the end.”

And then Kris gave up, letting the battle he was waging with himself completely cease, and he just let himself feel.

: : : : :

“Hunter was my college roommate. He was an amazing guy, really popular with everyone but still cool, you know? He knew who I was and if anything, didn’t want anything to do with me at first.”

“How did you become friends?”

“Music. He had a band. They were performing for the dean. Their guitarist had measles and I volunteered to step in.”

They were sitting in Kris’s kitchen, facing each other across the small table and holding steaming cups of tea, Adam watching Kris in the light that streamed into the kitchen window, looking every bit the person in love describing the person he loved.

“You weren’t in a relationship?” Adam asked, putting his chin in his hands.

Kris looked down and stared at his mug, a small smile playing over his lips. “No, we were just the best of friends. I kind of felt like maybe he did want to ask me out sometimes but…” he shook his head, “yeah, it just didn’t happen.”

“You didn’t let it happen,” Adam said it softly, risking a light touch on Kris’s arm.

Kris looked up at him and didn’t say anything for a minute - just stared at Adam as if trying to read something in his face. Adam didn’t know what he saw but when Kris spoke, his soft voice was filled with both trust and resignation. “Yeah, I didn’t really want it to happen. Well, I did but it just didn’t seem like a good idea.”

“Why not? Clearly, he must have had some feelings for you because aside from the friendship, I felt something stir when I...” Adam cleared his throat, “he saw you.”

Kris then looked at him as if he was trying to see if he was being serious. “It just didn’t happen at that time. See, there was already some talk in the family about me being named as heir along with Brad.”

Adam’s confusion probably showed in his face because Kris leaned forward on his elbows and explained further. “I was just as surprised as everyone else when I was named heir. I mean, there’s Brad and we all thought he would be the only one. I didn’t really think much of all that talk but I thought that if it did happen, it wouldn’t be a good idea to drag Hunter into all of that as my boyfriend.”

Adam breathed out, shaking his head. “Would your family disapprove? Is that it?”

“No, it’s not that,” Kris explained, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as he spoke. “Being a Bell heir means having a lot of responsibility and I thought it would be unfair to have Hunter go through that with me.”

Kris smiled ruefully. “I had such trivial reasons. And now he’s dead too.”

Adam swallowed, pulling at Kris’s arm gently until Kris looked up at him with clear brown eyes. “Do you have any idea who’s behind this?” Adam deliberately pushed away the thought that Kris could still possibly be the one who did it.

Kris shrugged. “It could be anyone who knows who I am, I guess. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.” He leaned back on his chair and narrowed his eyes at Adam. “You know, it could have been me. I mean, you saw me in your dreams, it’s all there.”

They stared each other down, the obvious provocation hanging in the air between them. The hardness was back on Kris’s face and Adam wanted to just reach out and wipe all that sadness away.

And Adam found himself thinking, believing that for the first time, his visions were wrong. So he said, “Well, yes. But this time, maybe I’m just meant to see something else.”

Kris did not even flinch but Adam saw him swallow, saw him start to breathe deeper. Then Kris reached out to touch his hand before softly saying “thank you.”

: : : : :

“He’s telling the truth,” Allison said, her voice clipped and matter-of-fact beneath the very loud crackling sound on the phone line.

It had been three days since Adam last saw Kris, their last conversation playing on a loop inside his head. He stayed in his room, read all his notes and wondered how they’d missed the significance of Hunter Gould’s friendship with Kris. Allison was very thorough and he thought he was too, with all his research and interviews.

“I’m sorry, Adam,” Allison sighed. “We were just so focused on Jade and ...”

Adam cut her off. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up over this. How were we supposed to know that Kris was in love with Hunter? He told me himself that they were just best friends, nothing of the wooing that obviously happened with Jade.”

“But still…” Allison was silent for a few seconds before continuing in a softer voice. “Hunter had been in Manila since 2008, only coming home once, for Christmas 2009. He was killed just six months ago.” Adam heard the shuffling of papers from the other end of the line before Allison continued. “Kris has been away since 2006, a year after his college graduation when he was named heir along with Brad Bell. He was in Singapore when Hunter died.”

“And he was in Paris during Jade’s,” Adam said thoughtfully, carefully writing on the margins of his notebook.

“Adam.” Allison’s serious tone made Adam stop writing. “Please come home. You told me you wanted some peace of mind and just…” she sighed, “I know you, he’s gotten to you and you’re gonna want to help him. People who get close to him end up dead in a ditch somewhere, Adam.”

Adam wanted to protest and assure Allison that he was fine, and the peace he was searching for when he got on that plane was just within his reach - he wanted to believe that himself.

But he knew that Allison would see right through it, would hear in his voice that the confusion he had felt since getting that very first vision of Jade, was lying like a dormant storm beneath all the seemingly stable current that flowed between him and Kris.

“You won’t be able to bring Jade and Hunter back. You won’t be able to protect anyone if you’re dead.” Allison’s voice was soft, almost pleading.

Adam closed his eyes, a headache starting at the back of his head. “I know, but I just need to know why I was brought here because I’m sure there’s a reason why I was led to Kris.”

“And maybe you should stop trying to take Kris back.”

And then, there it was, the words hanging in the air like an accusation, spoken aloud as they broke the silence that Adam used to protect himself with. Maybe he never really stood a chance, or maybe he was just too weak, or maybe he was already playing on the edges of the truth.

Never in his life had he hoped that maybe, what he had always known was wrong. When he finally spoke, he was startled at the conviction that laced his voice.

“I think if there was someone who could take him back, it would be me.”

And once those words had left his mouth, Adam realized that maybe he had already made the choice from the first moment he saw Kris’s face through Jade’s eyes.

: : : : :

Adam had known from those earlier days of following Kris around that the health centre was quite busy during the mornings. His research and Allison’s told him that the centre was technically funded by the Manila city government but received most of its budget from non-governmental and humanitarian organizations. Situated in the heart of the red light district, the centre was designed to cater to prostitutes who could not afford proper reproductive health care. But Adam took note as the weeks passed by that most of the patients were indigent mothers who came into the clinic carrying malnourished children with bloated bellies and wearing the air of misery like a second skin.

The staff worked like a well-oiled machine; the volunteer doctors, nurses and civilians all knew what the task at hand was. As he had told Adam, Kris replaced Hunter as the head of the AIDS programme and he concentrated on finding donors who were willing to help the centre’s HIV-positive patients.

Adam knew that the best time to drop by the centre was 10 minutes before 5pm, right when the mothers had gone home to feed their children and just a few short hours until the working girls walk down the streets to start another day.

The centre had a very small receiving area with plastic chairs lined up side by side into four rows. There were only two more women left sitting in the first row, which was just about five feet away from the reception desk where Kris was sitting with a Filipina girl. Adam saw the girl nudge Kris, making him look up as Adam walked in. The surprise was evident in Kris’s face but he raised his hand in greeting and motioned for Adam to come in.

“Hey man, what brings you here?” Kris was smiling but the way he was drawing his eyebrows together made it obvious that he was also worried. Adam supposed that was only to be expected, given the reason he had sought him out previously.

So he grinned playfully and said, “I need condoms,” leaning on his elbows that were resting on the desk.

Adam was pleasantly surprised when Kris actually blushed. Adam’s loud laugh made Kris glare at him playfully.

Kris’s tone was light when he said, “Yeah? Do I look like I give away free condoms to random men?”

Adam didn’t even blink before seriously saying “yes.”

“Yeah? If you want condoms, I’m gonna have to sit you down for our briefing.”

“I’ve got time now.” Adam crossed his arms across his chest as he smirked playfully at Kris.

Kris laughed and shook his head. “Let me get the forms then.”

Kris turned to reach behind him to get a piece of paper off the top stack. When he raised his arm, his shirt rode up and Adam found himself looking at Kris’s flat stomach and the top band of his underwear. Adam didn’t realize that he was staring until he heard a giggle from the girl sitting next to Kris. She was looking at them with a gleeful expression on her face, her chin resting in her hands. Kris turned back, looking adorably confused before introducing her as Lei, one of the nurses in the clinic.

Lei shook Adam’s hand and when she got up to assist one of the patients, Adam didn’t miss the wink she directed at Kris. Adam was quick to note that Kris blushed even harder.

Kris motioned for him to sit in the chair vacated by Lei. He then said, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I was working.” Adam chuckled at Kris’s confused stare. “Well, not to hurt your ego or anything, but I’m really here on an official job. I had to have an excuse so I could follow you around.”

Kris raised his eyebrows, obviously teasing, but what he said was, “So you were taking pictures of churches.”

“Yes, some really old ones in Tagaytay, you know that city by the mountains about two hours from here?”

Kris nodded. “So that’s what you were doing when you disappeared that first time?”

“Pretty much. I was in Cebu then,” Adam explained, mentioning an old city in the southern part of the Philippines. “Well, I wasn’t really scheduled to fly there yet but you scared me.”

Adam actually felt his eyes widen in surprise when Kris chuckled loudly. “Yeah, I can be pretty scary.”

“Well, duh,” he rolled his eyes as Kris just continued laughing.

The relief he felt at how open Kris was around him surprised Adam. For someone like him whose life had always been ruled by what his mind fed him, having something - or someone - that just took him away from all of that was the very definition of freedom. It never happened much but Adam always recognized it when it did and what he had with Kris was certainly one of those.

“So where are you going next? There are a lot of old churches around here,” Kris said as he waved the last patient towards the doctor’s office door.

Adam shrugged. “Just in the city, I guess. I haven’t been around much.”

He was genuinely surprised when Kris turned to him and with a slight hesitation in his voice, said, “Do you want me to show you around?”

Adam wasn’t able to speak for a few seconds and that made Kris shrug and say, “hey no pressure, man. I know… I understand if you’re not comfortable hanging out with me, I just thought…”

“Kris.” Adam touched Kris’s arm gently. “I’d love to. And it’s totally your fault that I’ve only been to places where you’ve been.”

Kris shook his head and his eyes were bright with amusement. “I didn’t tell you to stalk me.”

“Well yeah, fair enough.” Adam smiled. “So are you free tonight? You can show me where to have the best dinner around here.”

“I don’t have to be in Xaymaca until about ten so you’re on.” Kris grinned at him before he got up and excused himself to answer the phone.

Adam looked at Kris and he took note of how bright his smile was, how his usually-rigid shoulders looked absolutely relaxed under his thin white shirt. In all the times that he had followed Kris around, Adam never saw him this unguarded and that made Adam smile.

Later that night, as they were having dinner, Adam told Kris about the change he saw and he was quite surprised when Kris just blushed and relaxed even more.

Adam blew out the breath he was holding. “Oh that’s good. I really thought that you were going to punch me in the face.”

“What made you so sure I wouldn’t?” Kris chuckled before looking straight into Adam’s eyes. “You know everything about me. There’s no need for me to act a certain way around you now.”

“Do I? Know everything about you, I mean.”

“Yeah, I think you do,” Kris said softly.

Adam narrowed his eyes as he took in the completely laidback expression on Kris’s face. His brown eyes were bright with humor but underneath that, there was a vulnerability that made Adam feel that Kris was telling him the truth. For a moment, Adam felt oddly exhilarated before he reminded himself that sometimes we really do just see what we want to see.

They were sitting in a small Chinese restaurant a couple of blocks away from Adam’s hotel and Kris’s apartment. It was an old establishment, filled with the dinner crowd who were being served by a staff that was becoming increasingly frantic as more orders for dim sum and chicken feet were shouted at them. There was no air conditioning and the sound of the heavy traffic outside filtered through the open doorway, filling the small place with background noise that made everything else fade away except for the here and now.

All of that distraction was not able to stop Adam from trying to reconcile the Kris in front of him and the one in his visions. But he came up with nothing except the way that Kris looked at him at that moment, fond and real.

Kris chomped on a piece of shrimp dumpling, leaning back in his chair and looking around the eatery with an amused half-smirk on his face.

“I love places like this,” Kris muttered, taking Adam out of his thoughts.

“The food is amazing,” Adam commented before taking a sip of jasmine tea.

“Look at all these people. They all have different lives. Sometimes, I wonder who among them likes the life they have.”

“I think it’s human nature to actually want something you don’t have.”

Kris nodded and rested his elbows on the table, leaning towards Adam. “Do you ever wish that you didn’t have the visions?”

“All the time.” Adam leaned towards Kris too, their face inches apart. “Do you ever wish you were someone else?”

Kris smirked at him. “Didn’t I tell you that you know everything about me?”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Adam shrugged and waited, not knowing why Kris’s answer was so important to him.

“You know it does, Adam.” Kris moved away, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes crossing his face. “It completely does.”

Adam stayed where he was, taking in the way that Kris looked down. Kris’s smile was gone and its place was a somewhat pensive expression that made him look like he was daydreaming. Even when Kris picked up a piece of dumpling and bit on it, that faraway look in his eyes remained.

That was when Adam knew that Kris would never lie to him.

The realization took Adam’s breath away. That familiar struggle between what was real and was not settled in, and he tried to focus on the noise coming from the street, the loud sound of laughter coming from the big group of teenagers at the next table, the harsh fluorescent lighting that highlighted the yellow stains on the old painted white wall.

But Adam just found himself looking at Kris, trying to understand him, just wanting to be inside and be completely let in.

: : : : :

Kris stood on the other side of Adam’s door at eight in the morning, two cups of steaming coffee in hand. After realizing that it probably wasn’t a good idea to just knock, Kris took out his phone and called Adam to tell him to let him in.

Adam opened the door in just his pajamas and a threadbare gray shirt, his hair sticking on end and eyes bleary from sleep. Kris found himself grinning.

Adam frowned in confusion. “Kris? What…” he yawned, “are you doing here?”

“Coffee?” Kris tried not to smile too widely at how Adam looked like a sleepy puppy who just wanted nothing but to cuddle his blanket and be left alone.

“It’s Sunday.” Adam waved for him to come inside and walked ahead before sitting on the bed.

“I know you don’t stalk me during Sunday mornings.”

“Yes, it’s my time off from all the hard stalking during the week.” Kris could hear the laughter in Adam’s voice.

He handed the coffee to Adam, who took a sip and closed his eyes, head propped lazily on the stack of pillows by the headboard. His feet tangled on the covers and Kris looked on with amusement at the black-painted toes which were twitching, playing with the edges of the comforter.

“What are you doing today?” Kris said, still staring, vaguely thinking at how the early morning light that filtered through the glass door made Adam seem paler than usual.

“Sleeping.” Adam yawned again before opening his eyes and looking at Kris with a small smile on his face.

Kris felt his heartbeat quicken, his mind wandering to places he had promised not to visit since Hunter died. But now he felt as if he had walked blindly only to find himself standing in front of something he never thought he’d want or need.

The last few days he shared with Adam were entirely unexpected. There were times when Kris looked at him and thought that he might be missing out on something. He didn’t know whether it was Adam’s laughter, or the way his voice took on a melodic quality even when he spoke about something as inane as buying an apple, or the way he seemed to believe in Kris completely.

The only thing that Kris was sure of was all of those times when he just felt everything as he stared at the way Adam’s face lit up. It took Kris’s breath away, this kind of fascination, and he wanted to drown in it, even for just a moment, in what he had always known was a stolen reality.

“And what are your plans? Aside from waking me up at ass o’clock,” Adam rolled his eyes and Kris could not help the laugh that escaped him.

“Well, I’m doing some volunteer work today in a community near here. Thought you’d like to come.”

“What are we doing?” Adam sat up and took a gulp from his coffee cup.

Kris tried not to notice the way Adam licked his upper lip after swallowing.

“Um, there’s this small community not far from here. Some of the people from the clinic are giving lectures and I thought we could help.”

“OK, I’m up now anyway. Let me just take a shower,” Adam was up, taking another sip of his coffee before walking over to his open suitcase and getting clothes.

“You’ve been here a month and you still have your clothes in a suitcase?” Kris asked, walking over to stand beside Adam who was still rummaging in his pile of clothes.

“Stop judging me. I was busy!”

“Yeah, I bet.”

Adam rolled his eyes at Kris, who just smirked.

Kris looked at the contents of the suitcase that were spilling out onto the floor, an assortment of items that included jeans and black shirts, as well as necklaces that were tangled together with a bunch of scarves and socks.

There was something oddly intimate in seeing the contents of someone else’s closet - or in this case, suitcase - for the first time. Kris imagined how Adam’s apartment back home must be like. He could see traces of Adam in the nondescript hotel room but he still found himself wondering how Adam arranged his cereal in the cupboard or how he stacked his pillows on the couch.

That made Kris step away and sit on the chair by the writing desk instead. He fumbled with his phone and saw that Lei had already sent him a message asking where he was. He replied that he was just picking Adam up. Lei’s reply of a winking smiley face made Kris grin from ear to ear.

“Do you want breakfast?” Kris asked while pulling at the room service menu from under Adam’s laptop.

Adam turned on the TV before walking to the bathroom and saying, “Sure, if we won’t be late.”

“We can get there by 9:30. The lecture starts at 10.”

Adam groaned. “And you woke me up at 8am?”

“I figured you needed time to get ready. So, bacon and eggs and pancakes for us?”

Adam groaned even louder and shut the bathroom door behind him. Kris called room service and stared at the wall, trying not to focus on the sound of the water coming from the shower.

The food came as Adam emerged from the bathroom, hair mussed and wet. He was dressed in jeans and a gray shirt and his face was devoid of makeup. Kris took the time to appreciate it, knowing that Adam didn’t go outdoors without even a hint of eyeliner or foundation. So when Adam showed Kris something that nobody else was allowed to see, Kris took it all in greedily, filing it away for when he needed something to make him smile.

They ate their breakfast on the desk while talking about random things. Kris told Adam about the fight that broke out in Xaymaca the previous night. Adam also showed him some of the pictures he had taken, even telling Kris about the more technical details of his job. Kris didn’t really fully understand some of it but the drone of Adam’s voice explaining the beauty of natural lighting was enough to make Kris nod in appreciation of the hard work that went into taking those beautiful pictures even more.

A comfortable silence sat between them after Adam had packed his camera back into its bag again. Kris listened closely to the sports news blaring from the TV but he was still acutely aware of the way that Adam seemed to be studying his face. That made Kris turn back and smile widely at Adam, just because he wanted to and he could.

“It’s our anniversary,” Adam stated, eyes twinkling with laughter as Kris chuckled loudly.

“What?”

“I saw you in Xaymaca for the first time one month ago.”

Kris bit his lip. “Oh yeah, you were humping some guy.”

Adam could feel the flush creeping up his face. “No, I was being humped on. There’s a difference,” he said haughtily.

“Right,” Kris replied, deadpan.

“And… and you were staring at me!”

“Yeah, so? Everyone was staring at you.” Kris smirked at the somewhat embarrassed expression on Adam’s face. “Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but the stealth thing? It doesn’t work for you. You really are kind of hard to miss.”

“You…” Adam huffed and just concentrated on his breakfast. He was still blushing, not meeting Kris’s eyes, his hand covering his face as he looked down. Kris clenched his fists to stop himself from reaching out and touching him.

So he just settled on leaning on his elbows and inching his face closer to Adam’s. “It was pretty hot.”

Adam lifted his face and stared at Kris, a hungry look in his eyes. Kris shivered, not used to seeing that on Adam’s face, not since that first night when he saw Adam get lost in what his body felt. Kris unconsciously bit his lip as he recalled, and Adam’s eyes grew darker, his breathing becoming faster.

Kris leaned back in his chair and blinked. Adam broke the gaze and quickly looked down again but Kris could see that he was still breathing deeply, hands gripping the edge of the desk tightly.

There was a stilted silence. Kris was trying to get himself together, shifting uneasily and making his jeans drag down his half-hard cock. Adam just continued eating, sneaking in peaks at Kris, his face red and perfect.

Kris cleared his throat. “Happy 1st month anniversary then.”

Adam snorted, shook his head and then let out an unbridled laugh, the sound filling the room. Kris looked at Adam’s face and could not help but join in, allowing himself to let go and just be.

Adam unofficially started volunteering in the health centre that day. He visited the clinic more often and became familiar with what they were doing, sitting in on lectures and doing what he could to help with the health programmes. He also became the go-to guy for food and coffee when the staff couldn’t step away from their work stations. He started talking to the clinic’s regular patients, making them smile as he tried to speak in the local dialect with his accent.

And Kris had never felt happier. Not even when he stepped off the plane and set foot in Mongolia for the first time after leaving Dallas almost five years ago. He had travelled all over since, refusing to come back despite his family’s pleas.

It was not like Kris was never happy; it was just that he never actually felt, for the lack of a better word, free. There were moments - when he met Jade and wrote his first love songs, or when he realized that Hunter could feel something more than just the intense friendship they had, or when his parents hugged him after he was named the Bell heir - when he felt like himself, like he wasn’t itching to get out of his skin and just be.

So Kris travelled, fully aware that leaving a place did not mean leaving his life behind. He felt he deserved that reprieve, that he needed to find his place in the world on his own and not because the hand of fate handed it to him with a legacy that was meant to define his entire existence.

And then Adam came along, disrupting his peace, barging into his life knowing everything that he wanted to forget for even just a while, just a breath. He confused Kris with his beautiful smile, with the way his eyes sometimes seemed unseeing even as they saw everything. And Kris just wanted to hold on to the way that Adam made him feel because he knew that whatever it was, it was meant to stay in this place where he was just Kris and nothing else.

: : : : :

Adam and Kris started spending a lot of time together, their schedules merging without either of them being consciously aware of it. They would spend the mornings either at the centre or in a community for some health programme. Then, they would take pictures of churches around the city in the afternoon before heading out to try some local delicacy for dinner.

It was on one of those afternoons that they discovered Paco Park. The park was old and the traces of Spanish colonialism in the architecture were evident in the stone arches and the cobblestone walls. They had been told that it was an old cemetery, and Adam spent a lot of time taking pictures of the wall niches where some of the bodies were buried. Kris just walked on and sipped his black jelly drink, enjoying the quiet that seemed to be contained within the walled park.

There was a small chapel in the park and Adam waited until the sunlight dulled into a warm yellow before taking pictures, aiming to highlight the ancient beauty of the stones. They went inside and the tint of the stained glass windows were reflected inside the chapel, stretching like a long blue shadow. The wooden cross at the altar was surrounded by fresh white and yellow chrysanthemums, its fresh smell blending with the musty air.

“Have you always wanted to be a photographer?” Kris asked softly, his deep voice echoing within the chapel’s walls. He was sitting on a pew right beside Adam, who was kneeling on the aisle, his camera pointed towards the altar.

Adam’s fingers continued clicking, his eyes still focused on his subject, even as he answered, “I never really wanted to be anything when I was a kid. I was too busy trying to separate reality from what my brain fed me.”

“Wow, you could’ve just told me that you wanted to be an astronaut.”

Adam snorted. “Ok then, I wanted to be an astronaut.”

“Right.”

Adam winked at him. “I really am kind of easy.”

Adam was still laughing as he sat on the floor and stretched his legs before lying on his back. His camera was trained towards the church’s ceiling, taking one photograph after another.

Kris breathed deeply, his mind clearing as the moment stretched on. The only sound that could be heard came from the camera’s shutter which went off continuously; the church’s walls seemed to magnify it within the silence.

And then there was just him and Adam - Adam, who had then brought the camera away from his face, his blue eyes sharp and beautiful and so open. Kris took in the way he was sprawled on the floor of the church, how his shirt rode up and revealed a sliver of pale skin right above the waistband of his jeans, the way his thumb was lightly tracing the outer rim of the camera’s lens slowly.

He made Kris wish that he hadn’t learned to fight so hard.

“Kris,” Adam whispered. “I’ve always wanted to take pictures, take happy, sad and life-changing moments, and keep them forever. It’s fascinating how pictures are visions of reality but they really won’t be able to tell the whole story.”

Kris nodded, eyes unwavering on Adam’s face. And he just had to say, “I always wondered what it would be like to be born as someone else.”

Adam got on his feet and walked over to sit beside Kris on the pew. He touched Kris’s cheek lightly, a small sad smile tugging on his lips before wrapping Kris in his arms, making everything fade away except for the silence that settled in Kris’s heart, peaceful and perfect.

PART THREE