Fucking Worthless...
Why am I so bitter and careless about the things I say...i'm so confused...
Sometimes you get off the phone with someone...and you realize, just as they cancel the signal, that you just used them to rant to...and they need sleep, but you're still keeping them up...and you feel bad...so you keep apologizing, but they say not to...and your mind just collapses into the middle of your head into a big radiating funk...
I hate that feeling...
Maybe it's because I'm tired...maybe I will use this to actually spew something...
I feel so fucking worthless...I mean...my family is low on cash as it is...my parents don't make a huge amount of money...and I don't even have a job...my excuse is school...is that an excuse...? All the things I want and want to do...driving...things i want to buy...places I want to go, thing I want to take part in...money money money...and I have no way of supporting myself to do it all...I wish I weren't so spoiled...and don't say that just because I realize I'm spoiled that I'm not...I realize it, I just don't do anything about it because I'm lazy and worthless...everyday I come home and just sit, and crunch numbers, write letters our...rinse and repeat...sometimes without the rinse...my life has virtually no variation...
And even when people offer me to do things...sometimes I avoid it, or make excuses...and why do I sometimes feel so neglected...? I get enough stuff...surely someone pays attention to me other than my parents and well...the one other person that even comes close to understanding me...maybe that's why I bitch...maybe it's the uncertainty of my life tat leads me to doubt myself or some shit whatever that is...maybe I'm just tired...I have nothing to feel proud about...mediocre grades, medicore musicianship...wow, that's it...and I thought driving to school would make me feel purposeful...not really...driving only helps me realize how much danger other people I love are in on a daily basis...
Maybe I'm just not used to change...I can't adapt to it maybe...and why do I have to criticize others for shit they say or do...just like clockwork...my ass...what right have I to say something like that...? And shouldn't I take more responsibility in what I do...I mean...shouldn't I know the roads I'm going to...yeah i should...I dunno anymore...Maybe I do too much of the same thing everyday...I need a fucking job, if not just for element of variation...
I apologize to everyone I've bitched to...eh...sorry...can't guarantee that it won't happen again...maybe I just need something to make me feel important, or fulfilled...or not...maybe I need to not worry about everything and everyone so much...or not take things as personally...eh...as I write this I drift into comatose state...so don't believe what I say to the period...yeah...I feel so fucking worthless...
Dude...go to bed...
v.v Righto love...best advice all night...righto...