A Rather Narcissistic Post that Smart People will Not Read
I have found I really like playing solitaire.
I know that sounds a little weird
But I find Solitaire rather calming.
Especially right now, when my chest keeps constricting in weird ways, and I begin to worry about questions that pop into my mind out of nowhere. The little worries slip in and out - like lyrics from a song I half forgot I had ever heard.
I am terrified.
But not about anything specific. There is nothing I can point to and say "That! That issue is the cause of my unease."
Instead, dozens of unrelated horrible images pop into my mind -
Tripping on the stage at graduation
Forgetting the lines for my thesis presentation
Not finishing everything
Not fitting back in MD
Missing Austin
Being wrong
People in MD suddenly remembering that I am secretly annoying, stupid, bitchy - not what they remembered.
The notion that in 4 years I have "changed" and am not the "same."
And underneath it all: the suspicion that maybe this whole graduation thing is somehow too easy. I mean I have a job for the summer, a law school, a place to stay.. The future seems like a pretty golden path and I just have to keep walking.
So, I keep wondering if there is this chasm right in front of me that I am just not seeing.
And I take moments, when I should be working on class work or PAD stuff... and I play solitaire. I like up queens and kings, aces and twos... And I wander when the pretty lines are going to fall apart.
I know that sounds a little weird
But I find Solitaire rather calming.
Especially right now, when my chest keeps constricting in weird ways, and I begin to worry about questions that pop into my mind out of nowhere. The little worries slip in and out - like lyrics from a song I half forgot I had ever heard.
I am terrified.
But not about anything specific. There is nothing I can point to and say "That! That issue is the cause of my unease."
Instead, dozens of unrelated horrible images pop into my mind -
Tripping on the stage at graduation
Forgetting the lines for my thesis presentation
Not finishing everything
Not fitting back in MD
Missing Austin
Being wrong
People in MD suddenly remembering that I am secretly annoying, stupid, bitchy - not what they remembered.
The notion that in 4 years I have "changed" and am not the "same."
And underneath it all: the suspicion that maybe this whole graduation thing is somehow too easy. I mean I have a job for the summer, a law school, a place to stay.. The future seems like a pretty golden path and I just have to keep walking.
So, I keep wondering if there is this chasm right in front of me that I am just not seeing.
And I take moments, when I should be working on class work or PAD stuff... and I play solitaire. I like up queens and kings, aces and twos... And I wander when the pretty lines are going to fall apart.