Talking with Mal
Mal finally demanded entrance last night, knew he would eventually, didn't think it would take this long though. Unfortunately, he showed up when I had been crying, I tried to hide it but I'm pretty sure he could tell, as he was unusually kind. Well, he was, after threatening to starve me out and throw me off the ship.
He insisted on knowing just what it was all about. So I told him, well mostly, I said I cared for him, didn't say the "L" word that would have just freaked him out. I think I scared him bad enough as it was.
He said that he was complimented, but that it would never work. We are too different and relationships on a small ship just cause trouble. Then there is the issue of my job, he can't support two of us and what would I do if I weren't a Companion. He thinks I would come to resent all those fancy things I'd be missing out on. And also there are things about him I don't know and he doesn't want me to know. He asked that we leave it go at that and that he would listen now, but once he left he didn't want to discuss it again.
At the finality of those words I began to cry, I couldn't help it. If I let it go it would be over, so I said my piece. I agreed that we are very different, but that I can't stop caring for him just because he tells me to, I've tried, I've even tried to leave but I can't. I told him that Serenity is my home and the people here my family, and that we would just have to find a way to relate.
I told him that I wanted to help him, it's what I am trained to do. I know he has demons and is bothered by his dreams, I asked him to trust me and let me help. I explained to him that the fear I'm feeling is the fear of losing him, as I lost my parents. I know the life he leads is dangerous, but to lose him to his mind, that is one thing I can prevent.
Then he wiped away my tears and kissed me, just on the forehead, but, oh it was so sweet and gentle. He told me he didn't expect me to stop caring, but that he wasn't ready for help yet. He said not to worry, he'd been through worse, and that he would come to me when he was ready. He even promised.
I was still pretty upset, when he took my face in his hands and made me look into his eyes, I just couldn't help it, I reached up, pulled him down toward me and kissed him, just once, on the lips, I hugged him for a minute and told him I'd be waiting whenever he was ready to talk. Then I stepped back and sent him on is way with a smile.
What I really wanted, was to take him to my bed, he wanted it too, trained in these things, I could tell. But I could also feel his resistance and I knew not to force the issue, maybe someday he'll come willing and I'll be there for him. But for now...
After he left I finally let myself really cry. I love him so much, is it really suppose to hurt like this.
He insisted on knowing just what it was all about. So I told him, well mostly, I said I cared for him, didn't say the "L" word that would have just freaked him out. I think I scared him bad enough as it was.
He said that he was complimented, but that it would never work. We are too different and relationships on a small ship just cause trouble. Then there is the issue of my job, he can't support two of us and what would I do if I weren't a Companion. He thinks I would come to resent all those fancy things I'd be missing out on. And also there are things about him I don't know and he doesn't want me to know. He asked that we leave it go at that and that he would listen now, but once he left he didn't want to discuss it again.
At the finality of those words I began to cry, I couldn't help it. If I let it go it would be over, so I said my piece. I agreed that we are very different, but that I can't stop caring for him just because he tells me to, I've tried, I've even tried to leave but I can't. I told him that Serenity is my home and the people here my family, and that we would just have to find a way to relate.
I told him that I wanted to help him, it's what I am trained to do. I know he has demons and is bothered by his dreams, I asked him to trust me and let me help. I explained to him that the fear I'm feeling is the fear of losing him, as I lost my parents. I know the life he leads is dangerous, but to lose him to his mind, that is one thing I can prevent.
Then he wiped away my tears and kissed me, just on the forehead, but, oh it was so sweet and gentle. He told me he didn't expect me to stop caring, but that he wasn't ready for help yet. He said not to worry, he'd been through worse, and that he would come to me when he was ready. He even promised.
I was still pretty upset, when he took my face in his hands and made me look into his eyes, I just couldn't help it, I reached up, pulled him down toward me and kissed him, just once, on the lips, I hugged him for a minute and told him I'd be waiting whenever he was ready to talk. Then I stepped back and sent him on is way with a smile.
What I really wanted, was to take him to my bed, he wanted it too, trained in these things, I could tell. But I could also feel his resistance and I knew not to force the issue, maybe someday he'll come willing and I'll be there for him. But for now...
After he left I finally let myself really cry. I love him so much, is it really suppose to hurt like this.