Something somewhat sappy...sort of
I have to say this and you can all beat me later...but I miss Jeff. I miss all my friends for that matter. I miss late night convos that turn into early morning good-byes and I miss knowing what is happining in everyone's life. It seems in all my panicing and studies I've somehow managed to lose contact with a lot of people. I really hope you all can forgive me. All the APs are over now and the stress is off, but I look around and I realize that no one was really waiting for me to finish anymore...because I wasn't there enough before. When I look at people's journals, I can't help but noticing that I don't really understand half of them anymore. I feel so isolated. Even worse is the fact that Julie isn't joining me in AP Physics next year and I won't have Roger in my AP History anymore. I'm so afraid that I'll lose track of them; just like Leah, and Keri, and so many other people who I haven't seen in years because I trapped myself in this damn AP circle. I don't know how to stop it. It all just spirals out of control. I miss people and I can't get up the courage to go and talk to them...because even if I did I wouldn't know what to talk about. So I have to watch as people drift away. People with whom I used to talk to everynight until 4 in the morning are only responding to my conversation attempts with mono-syllabic answers or half disguised dismissals. There's someone who I'm dying to talk to who I can't even contact; and yet every time I open my cell phone I see his number there...because I couldn't bear to delete it. But I can't use it. I'm erased from his phone and from his memory. Communication terminated. It's as if I never existed. As if every conversation -about past-lives, or future plans, or even completely frivolous things- never took place. It's all gone; and I fear that that same hopelessness will come to hang like a cloud over my other slipping relations...till I wrap it like a shroud around myself to comfort the dead feeling. And I can't help thinking, all this could have been different.