Blog from yesterday - The Key to Happiness and Understanding the Universe Revealed - Please Read!
Ok, this is seriously going to be the last long-assed post for a while. I have got to focus my writing energy on other, more creative endeavors. But I have to get all of this out. It was actually a nice day out in Westwood yesterday, there was a lovely cool breeze and it actually felt good to be getting a bit of sun for a change. (Yes, I've definitely been switched out with an alien replicant, lol.) So I did a lot walking around, which I haven't been doing lately, and I always tend to work out my thoughts and have little mini-revelations when I go for a walk. After a while, I found a shady spot and sat in the grass for a while, and quite literally grounded myself. I'm an earth sign, we need that time actually connecting with nature on occassion, and it had been a while. So after all that grounding and reflection, I figured I should record my conclusions here. After this my blogging will go back to being way less frequent or wordy.
I have had the most incredible week. It started off amazing, and every day something great has happened. It is downright surreal. Hell, I even bought a few extra lottery tickets last night, lol. Now I am just getting greedy, but it cant hurt. I would surely share the wealth and put it to good use helping the less fortunate. J
I cant really explain it, but lately its like Ive been declaring what I want and throwing it out to the universe, and the universe has actually been listening and delivering. Big time. Not just throwing me a bone here and there. It is as if I were imbued with magical powers in my sleep to make things happen. I feel like I should be using my powers for the good of all mankind, lol. One thing at a time I suppose. Maybe I have a fairy godmother or something? Or perhaps a more viable explanation lies within the fact that I have finally come to recognize my own potential and self-worth, and that realization in itself is perhaps enough to empower these things into manifestation at this time. When you alter the way you view yourself, you not only change the way others perceive you, but you alter your very existence. Forgive me for sounding a bit new age, but the power of your subconscious attracts like forces into your world. The energy you send off is the energy you are going to attract. I am finally at a place where I am able to acknowledge my accomplishments with a sense pride, instead of dwelling on all the mistakes I have made or wondering what if? I am here now because of the choices that I have made, for good or for bad, and it will eventually lead me to the path I am supposed to be on. These choices will also bring me into contact with people that are meant to be in my life for some reason or another, either for my benefit or theirs, or perhaps a mutual benefit. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes those reasons seem unclear to us in the beginning. Occassionally we just have to surrender ourselves to whatever it is the universe is trying to push us towards, which can be difficult considering that we all have that built-in fight or flight defense mechanism. "Surrender" is often viewed as synonomous with "vulnerablity", when really it is quite different. I mean sure you might get maimed in the process of surrendering, but if you give in to the natural fight or flight tendency, you could be robbing yourself of something wonderful that you are truly meant to experience, and you may never get that opportunity again. I have always had good instincts, following them is another thing. Fears, anxieties and inhibitions often mask themselves as instincts, and prevent us from following through with something we are drawn to. So, my challenge is to learn to give into that surrender aspect and find peace with whatever the outcome might be. Which means attempting not to stress over whether or not I made the right decision. So, I have been giving this a try, and so far so good...
Usually when things start going really good in my life, I start freaking out knowing that a big heaping of hell must be waiting right around the corner. The whole duality thing, no good without evil, dark without light, etc. And sure enough, it usually is. But that is because I am looking for it, and my thought form projects the energy of that fear and anxiety out into the universe, where it eventually manifests and comes looking for me. I was raised by eternal pessimists, who also refuse to take the blame for their own inequities - the devil made me do it. (Or in the case of my family, the devil DID it.) That is a very difficult mode of thinking to deprogram oneself from. But for some reason, I am not going there this time. I'm not stupid, so of course I am looking where I tread, careful not to trip over any pitchforks in my path, but at the same time, I dont expect any to be there. I just have this inexplicable feeling that everything is going to work out ok. Normally I would think that just saying that would be enough to jinx it, but I dont anymore. I have faith that I am in control of my own destiny, and that occasionally the cosmos lends a helping hand, the planets align and all that stuff, so that things just come together as they are supposed to. Sometimes the universe leads you to things that you had no way of envisioning would happen, and no way of knowing that you even wanted, wonderful things that put everything else into perspective.
All of the good things that have happened to me lately give me this strange sense of serenity, and odd as it sounds, I feel safe and damn near content. While there are certainly a few things lacking from my life at the moment, I have a very strong feeling that many of my goals and desires will be fulfilled in the coming weeks. In fact, I got confirmation yesterday that at least one of my goals will be accomplished by summers end, and that gives me such a feeling of accomplishment that I can scarcely fathom it. It has been such a rocky road to get to this point, and although I am pretty sure I will still have to swim through a lake of lava to get to the end, at least the end is near and attainable. I have finally gotten from NOWHERE to NOW HERE. Amazing what a pause for reflection can reveal.
I have a feeling that a few other things will develop in the summer and fall that will affect my life in a very positive and welcome way. There are a lot of things that I have been putting off doing due to procrastination, my own insecurities and inhibitions, and general lack of focus and energy. I have recently received many kind words of praise and encouragement from some very inspiring individuals, and I think it was just the push I needed to get things moving in the right direction. If I can just harness all of my energy and focus it into one project at a time, I think I will be where I should be by my prospective target date of early October. Funny how things work out, as this has been my target date for these projects for several months now, and it also happens to coincide with other events that I am very much looking forward to. ;) Very good timing. And if I get these projects off and running, one of them could possibly prove beneficial to someone who will be back around at that time. More cosmic coincidences? Perhaps. Well, October has always been my favorite month. The last few have been kind of disappointing. I think this October is going to be really incredible. Now I just have to get focused.
Speaking of focus - I recently met someone whose focus, will, determination and drive just absolutely astound me. Not to mention the fact that he is sober. (Well, that kind of helps the other factors along, lol. Its a little thing called clarity.) There is just no end to what this guy can do, I mean multi-talented does not even begin to describe him. I have not heard music that has affected me like this in a long time. Some of his lyrics absolutely make me want to weep. And despite how amazingly talented he is in so many different ways, (not to mention gorgeous) you can not detect even the slightest trace of ego in this guy. He is a total sweetheart, and completely humble and sincere. It kind of makes me wonder if he even realizes how truly talented he really is. I havent known him very long, and there is still a lot that I have to learn, but I know enough to know that I believe in him with all my heart.
It is people like this that I want in my life. I'll take passion, focus and ambition any day over attitude, ego, and arrogance, which is all you really get from most of the people in this city. I'm so tired of all the shallow, arrogant, used-to-be/wanna-be/never-was-never-will-be-but-didnt-get-that-memo variety cock stars, dope fiends and drama queens that seem to dominate the Hollywood landscape. They all make me sick. I was never one for any of that shit, but in the past I have found myself putting up with a lot of it from people for various reasons. Not anymore. I haven't the patience for it any longer. There are decent people out there, as recently evidenced. They are few, but they exist, and I'm lucky to have some pretty amazing friends scattered all over the place. I dont have to waste my time with self-absorbed losers, eternal children, and psychic vampires. I just dont understand why it so hard for some men and women alike to evolve and behave like civilized respectful human beings. If you can't drag your knuckles over into the next stage of evolution, then don't bother trying to interact with those of us who have, lol.
I had another revelation yesterday when I saw a couple fighting in public. Now all couples fight, but this was that kind of belligerant fighting that strips both partners of any and all respect for each other. The guy was a complete prick, and I dont know what was going on, the girl could have been a total bitch and part of his tyrade could have been justified, but that kind of public humiliation is just uncalled for in any circumstance. He was just arrogant and sickening, I wanted to tell her "just leave the prick", but she was giving back to him pretty good too, they were both being pretty nasty. In that moment of unintentionally walking into someone else's private drama, I truly understood the liberation of self-respect and appreciating one's own self-worth, and also of respecting your partner. And I knew right then and there that I would never allow myself to be involved with anyone like that ever again. I will not put up with that shit from a man, and I will not ever treat a man like that. There was a time when I settled and accommodated for much less than I deserved, and I put up with things that no one ever should. Never again. If I ever get involved with anyone in a serious relationship again, which I'm sure is bound to happen at some point, it would have to be a relationship based on absolute, unwavering mutual respect. When you treat a partner like that, it completely devalues anything meaningful between the two. Once the mutual respect is breached, there is nothing worth saving. The same applies to friendships. I am not ever putting up with that kind of shit from a friend or lover ever again. It was really a liberating revelation. I knew right then that I could count on this conviction to save me from that kind of tumultuous turmoil, and that I would never let me down again. (Ha ha - thanks Depeche Mode, lol.)
I feel blessed to have some very wonderful people in my life (and now one more), and though I may not tell all of my friends how much they mean to me often enough, know that you are extremely cherished and appreciated. Special thanks to all of the friends who have really been there for me lately and provided me with a source of inspiration, comfort, encouragement, and sometimes just pure, much-needed laughter. Dont know what Id do without you guys. It was so good talking to my Texas mamas the past couple days - Shawndra and Pamela. Shawndra, you have known me longer than anyone in my life outside of my family, and even though the twists and turns of our lives have often separated us, you always have been, and always will be, like a sister to me. Pamela, your fierce loyalty and belief in me means more than words can convey. I have so much faith in you, your music, words and intuition will touch many lives. I'm happy you found yourself an amazing husband and have that precious little girl and another on the way. They will find you if ever you get lost. Volare - thanks for always listening, never judging, and always offering up great advice. You are a rare gem! Andrea, you have pulled me out of my absolute darkest hour and done for me what no one else could or would, I would have probably died without you so many years ago. Dont think I will ever forget that. Doug, for a decade now you have been my dear friend, and you have never ceased believing in me, riding my ass to reach for my dreams, even when I thought I no longer wanted to pursue them. Blue, I'm so glad we finally found each other again. Can't wait to see you again and meet the fiancee'! I'm so glad you are happy and found someone that appreciates what an amazing person you are. Trish, thanks for cracking me up and offering so much support in recent months.Cant wait to see you and Jess this month! And trust me, you'll figure out the difference. I think you already know the answer to your question, sometimes we have a tendency to complicate the question when the answer is just too simple and obvious to seem true. Jim, you are a dear, devoted friend, and you probably believe in me more than anyone else. Definitely more than I do. Finish the damn book already. Monique, my virtual twin, thanks for the research! I am sure I would have gotten around to it eventually, dont know why I had not done so yet to be quite honest. I think I had searched for the previous article I had read but couldn't find it. Anyways, I would have eventually figured it out, but not that day, and it just so happened that was when the planets were aligned, lol. A series of very fortunate events which led to something spectacular, Your role in everything was a critical one. THANK YOU! And Judy, you put up with more from me than anyone else -dont know how you put up with me, but I thank you for doing so. You aren't one for all that gushy shit, so I'll just say, All roads lead to the Templars, lol. Special thanks to Lonn, a recent friend but a long time mentor. Your praise for my writing has given me the encouragement that I needed to believe in my abilities again and get off my ass and get back to doing what I am best at. (Although writing does require a considerable amount of sitting on my ass time, lol.) And although I only just met you, Matt, I find you to be such an inspiration. It is rare to find anyone with such passion, determination and sincerity as you possess. You have so many amazing gifts... Talent such as yours comes purely from the heart and soul. Your music touches me in way that I didnt think was even possible anymore, artists just dont write music like that these days. I believe in you with all of my heart. And I am really glad that we met.
Alrighty then. I think that pretty much covers it. I'm sure I could say more, but I will save my energy. Writing the next chapter of the novel commences later today. I am really excited. And, I might get started on one of my other projects too... we'll see how it's going later.
I have had the most incredible week. It started off amazing, and every day something great has happened. It is downright surreal. Hell, I even bought a few extra lottery tickets last night, lol. Now I am just getting greedy, but it cant hurt. I would surely share the wealth and put it to good use helping the less fortunate. J
I cant really explain it, but lately its like Ive been declaring what I want and throwing it out to the universe, and the universe has actually been listening and delivering. Big time. Not just throwing me a bone here and there. It is as if I were imbued with magical powers in my sleep to make things happen. I feel like I should be using my powers for the good of all mankind, lol. One thing at a time I suppose. Maybe I have a fairy godmother or something? Or perhaps a more viable explanation lies within the fact that I have finally come to recognize my own potential and self-worth, and that realization in itself is perhaps enough to empower these things into manifestation at this time. When you alter the way you view yourself, you not only change the way others perceive you, but you alter your very existence. Forgive me for sounding a bit new age, but the power of your subconscious attracts like forces into your world. The energy you send off is the energy you are going to attract. I am finally at a place where I am able to acknowledge my accomplishments with a sense pride, instead of dwelling on all the mistakes I have made or wondering what if? I am here now because of the choices that I have made, for good or for bad, and it will eventually lead me to the path I am supposed to be on. These choices will also bring me into contact with people that are meant to be in my life for some reason or another, either for my benefit or theirs, or perhaps a mutual benefit. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes those reasons seem unclear to us in the beginning. Occassionally we just have to surrender ourselves to whatever it is the universe is trying to push us towards, which can be difficult considering that we all have that built-in fight or flight defense mechanism. "Surrender" is often viewed as synonomous with "vulnerablity", when really it is quite different. I mean sure you might get maimed in the process of surrendering, but if you give in to the natural fight or flight tendency, you could be robbing yourself of something wonderful that you are truly meant to experience, and you may never get that opportunity again. I have always had good instincts, following them is another thing. Fears, anxieties and inhibitions often mask themselves as instincts, and prevent us from following through with something we are drawn to. So, my challenge is to learn to give into that surrender aspect and find peace with whatever the outcome might be. Which means attempting not to stress over whether or not I made the right decision. So, I have been giving this a try, and so far so good...
Usually when things start going really good in my life, I start freaking out knowing that a big heaping of hell must be waiting right around the corner. The whole duality thing, no good without evil, dark without light, etc. And sure enough, it usually is. But that is because I am looking for it, and my thought form projects the energy of that fear and anxiety out into the universe, where it eventually manifests and comes looking for me. I was raised by eternal pessimists, who also refuse to take the blame for their own inequities - the devil made me do it. (Or in the case of my family, the devil DID it.) That is a very difficult mode of thinking to deprogram oneself from. But for some reason, I am not going there this time. I'm not stupid, so of course I am looking where I tread, careful not to trip over any pitchforks in my path, but at the same time, I dont expect any to be there. I just have this inexplicable feeling that everything is going to work out ok. Normally I would think that just saying that would be enough to jinx it, but I dont anymore. I have faith that I am in control of my own destiny, and that occasionally the cosmos lends a helping hand, the planets align and all that stuff, so that things just come together as they are supposed to. Sometimes the universe leads you to things that you had no way of envisioning would happen, and no way of knowing that you even wanted, wonderful things that put everything else into perspective.
All of the good things that have happened to me lately give me this strange sense of serenity, and odd as it sounds, I feel safe and damn near content. While there are certainly a few things lacking from my life at the moment, I have a very strong feeling that many of my goals and desires will be fulfilled in the coming weeks. In fact, I got confirmation yesterday that at least one of my goals will be accomplished by summers end, and that gives me such a feeling of accomplishment that I can scarcely fathom it. It has been such a rocky road to get to this point, and although I am pretty sure I will still have to swim through a lake of lava to get to the end, at least the end is near and attainable. I have finally gotten from NOWHERE to NOW HERE. Amazing what a pause for reflection can reveal.
I have a feeling that a few other things will develop in the summer and fall that will affect my life in a very positive and welcome way. There are a lot of things that I have been putting off doing due to procrastination, my own insecurities and inhibitions, and general lack of focus and energy. I have recently received many kind words of praise and encouragement from some very inspiring individuals, and I think it was just the push I needed to get things moving in the right direction. If I can just harness all of my energy and focus it into one project at a time, I think I will be where I should be by my prospective target date of early October. Funny how things work out, as this has been my target date for these projects for several months now, and it also happens to coincide with other events that I am very much looking forward to. ;) Very good timing. And if I get these projects off and running, one of them could possibly prove beneficial to someone who will be back around at that time. More cosmic coincidences? Perhaps. Well, October has always been my favorite month. The last few have been kind of disappointing. I think this October is going to be really incredible. Now I just have to get focused.
Speaking of focus - I recently met someone whose focus, will, determination and drive just absolutely astound me. Not to mention the fact that he is sober. (Well, that kind of helps the other factors along, lol. Its a little thing called clarity.) There is just no end to what this guy can do, I mean multi-talented does not even begin to describe him. I have not heard music that has affected me like this in a long time. Some of his lyrics absolutely make me want to weep. And despite how amazingly talented he is in so many different ways, (not to mention gorgeous) you can not detect even the slightest trace of ego in this guy. He is a total sweetheart, and completely humble and sincere. It kind of makes me wonder if he even realizes how truly talented he really is. I havent known him very long, and there is still a lot that I have to learn, but I know enough to know that I believe in him with all my heart.
It is people like this that I want in my life. I'll take passion, focus and ambition any day over attitude, ego, and arrogance, which is all you really get from most of the people in this city. I'm so tired of all the shallow, arrogant, used-to-be/wanna-be/never-was-never-will-be-but-didnt-get-that-memo variety cock stars, dope fiends and drama queens that seem to dominate the Hollywood landscape. They all make me sick. I was never one for any of that shit, but in the past I have found myself putting up with a lot of it from people for various reasons. Not anymore. I haven't the patience for it any longer. There are decent people out there, as recently evidenced. They are few, but they exist, and I'm lucky to have some pretty amazing friends scattered all over the place. I dont have to waste my time with self-absorbed losers, eternal children, and psychic vampires. I just dont understand why it so hard for some men and women alike to evolve and behave like civilized respectful human beings. If you can't drag your knuckles over into the next stage of evolution, then don't bother trying to interact with those of us who have, lol.
I had another revelation yesterday when I saw a couple fighting in public. Now all couples fight, but this was that kind of belligerant fighting that strips both partners of any and all respect for each other. The guy was a complete prick, and I dont know what was going on, the girl could have been a total bitch and part of his tyrade could have been justified, but that kind of public humiliation is just uncalled for in any circumstance. He was just arrogant and sickening, I wanted to tell her "just leave the prick", but she was giving back to him pretty good too, they were both being pretty nasty. In that moment of unintentionally walking into someone else's private drama, I truly understood the liberation of self-respect and appreciating one's own self-worth, and also of respecting your partner. And I knew right then and there that I would never allow myself to be involved with anyone like that ever again. I will not put up with that shit from a man, and I will not ever treat a man like that. There was a time when I settled and accommodated for much less than I deserved, and I put up with things that no one ever should. Never again. If I ever get involved with anyone in a serious relationship again, which I'm sure is bound to happen at some point, it would have to be a relationship based on absolute, unwavering mutual respect. When you treat a partner like that, it completely devalues anything meaningful between the two. Once the mutual respect is breached, there is nothing worth saving. The same applies to friendships. I am not ever putting up with that kind of shit from a friend or lover ever again. It was really a liberating revelation. I knew right then that I could count on this conviction to save me from that kind of tumultuous turmoil, and that I would never let me down again. (Ha ha - thanks Depeche Mode, lol.)
I feel blessed to have some very wonderful people in my life (and now one more), and though I may not tell all of my friends how much they mean to me often enough, know that you are extremely cherished and appreciated. Special thanks to all of the friends who have really been there for me lately and provided me with a source of inspiration, comfort, encouragement, and sometimes just pure, much-needed laughter. Dont know what Id do without you guys. It was so good talking to my Texas mamas the past couple days - Shawndra and Pamela. Shawndra, you have known me longer than anyone in my life outside of my family, and even though the twists and turns of our lives have often separated us, you always have been, and always will be, like a sister to me. Pamela, your fierce loyalty and belief in me means more than words can convey. I have so much faith in you, your music, words and intuition will touch many lives. I'm happy you found yourself an amazing husband and have that precious little girl and another on the way. They will find you if ever you get lost. Volare - thanks for always listening, never judging, and always offering up great advice. You are a rare gem! Andrea, you have pulled me out of my absolute darkest hour and done for me what no one else could or would, I would have probably died without you so many years ago. Dont think I will ever forget that. Doug, for a decade now you have been my dear friend, and you have never ceased believing in me, riding my ass to reach for my dreams, even when I thought I no longer wanted to pursue them. Blue, I'm so glad we finally found each other again. Can't wait to see you again and meet the fiancee'! I'm so glad you are happy and found someone that appreciates what an amazing person you are. Trish, thanks for cracking me up and offering so much support in recent months.Cant wait to see you and Jess this month! And trust me, you'll figure out the difference. I think you already know the answer to your question, sometimes we have a tendency to complicate the question when the answer is just too simple and obvious to seem true. Jim, you are a dear, devoted friend, and you probably believe in me more than anyone else. Definitely more than I do. Finish the damn book already. Monique, my virtual twin, thanks for the research! I am sure I would have gotten around to it eventually, dont know why I had not done so yet to be quite honest. I think I had searched for the previous article I had read but couldn't find it. Anyways, I would have eventually figured it out, but not that day, and it just so happened that was when the planets were aligned, lol. A series of very fortunate events which led to something spectacular, Your role in everything was a critical one. THANK YOU! And Judy, you put up with more from me than anyone else -dont know how you put up with me, but I thank you for doing so. You aren't one for all that gushy shit, so I'll just say, All roads lead to the Templars, lol. Special thanks to Lonn, a recent friend but a long time mentor. Your praise for my writing has given me the encouragement that I needed to believe in my abilities again and get off my ass and get back to doing what I am best at. (Although writing does require a considerable amount of sitting on my ass time, lol.) And although I only just met you, Matt, I find you to be such an inspiration. It is rare to find anyone with such passion, determination and sincerity as you possess. You have so many amazing gifts... Talent such as yours comes purely from the heart and soul. Your music touches me in way that I didnt think was even possible anymore, artists just dont write music like that these days. I believe in you with all of my heart. And I am really glad that we met.
Alrighty then. I think that pretty much covers it. I'm sure I could say more, but I will save my energy. Writing the next chapter of the novel commences later today. I am really excited. And, I might get started on one of my other projects too... we'll see how it's going later.