The Long Path

[inanna7]

Title: The Long Path
Characters: Beck, Heather, Mrs. Beck
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Sooo don't own Jericho...
Unbetaed, all mistakes are my own.

This is my side story on Beck's change of perspective that Lily mentioned.

Edward turned fitfully in his sleep. He was beyond tired, but his muscles still flexed as he lay unconscious, ready to roll him out of bed at a mere whistling of the wind. The waning moon was high in the sky by the time his fatigue pushed him further into sleep and his tense muscles slowly relaxed.

He dreamt he lay on a grassy hillside, looking up into the afternoon sky.

He knew he must be dreaming, because the sun was nowhere to be seen.
A hand curled around his and he looked over to his side. Lisa lay next to him, hair fanned and arm flung out in abandon. She stretched and curled into him, pillowing her head against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

The pad of her thumb caressed his cheek as she looked up at him.

“I’ve missed you too.”

“I was beginning to think I had forgotten what you looked like.” he said, brushing a hand through her hair. “I’ve looked at your picture everyday just to remember the color of your hair when the light shines on it.” Sunlight shone through the strands of her hair that slipped through his fingers.

“Or the curve of your lips,” he said, brushing his fingers over them. He bent down and gave her a kiss filled with longing.

“Forgive me?” he asked.

She smiled and closed the distance between them, pressing her lips to his in a gentle kiss.

“What is there to forgive, love?” she replied. After a moment, she sat up, then rolled to her feet. She turned back to him, extending her hand.

“Come. Walk with me.”

He placed his hand in hers and rolled to his feet when she tugged at his arm.

“Do you remember this place?” she asked at they strolled past a pond. Ducks glided quietly over its surface, giving Edward and Lisa a curious glance before paddling away to feast on tadpoles that darted among the lily pads.

“Washington Park Arboretum - it was our first date.”

“Do you remember what I said to you then?” she asked.

“That our time together was limited, so we should enjoy every moment while we could.”

“Yes,” she replied.

“For a long time, I had always thought you meant those first days we spent together in Seattle. When I look back now, I realize those words have a completely different meaning.”

Lisa pulled a chain from its hiding place beneath her blouse. At its end dangled a single band of gold. His wedding band.

“That’s why I asked you to leave this with me.”

Hurt tore at him as he watched the circle of gold twist and sway in the light. Lisa sensed this as she clasped it in her hand.

“I know it was the hardest thing for you to do, but I want you to know that it was even harder for me to ask you to leave it behind.”

A single tear rolled down her cheek. He reached over and brushed it away. She leaned into his touch, regarding him, taking in his features.

He tilted his head. There was something she wasn’t telling him.

She turned away.

“I know we’ve had our differences about the upbringing I got from my grandmother.”

Edward stiffened. He knew exactly where this was going.

He didn’t believe in shamanism. Lisa did. And they had several heated arguments over it.

He respected her religion and the rituals that came with it, to the point that he was willing to have taught them to Angel so that she would know about her Acoma heritage. But to him, that’s all they were - rituals. He didn’t believe when Luna and Lisa conducted these rituals that they “walked among the stars” or “traveled the other plains of Earth”, which he euphemistically took as speaking with the dead. He had no doubts that they actually perceived these visions, but that it was all conjured from their minds. The mind was an amazing thing, he argued with Lisa, capable of great flights of fancy if one believed in them hard enough.

“Is that what you think I’m having when I do this? A flight of fancy?” she asked.

Edward regretted his choice of wording.

“I believe that you see something because it’s what you want to see, it’s what you want to believe in, so therefore it must be true. The answers you seek come from you, not elsewhere.”

Lisa sighed and said, “I know there’s no way I can convince you now, but one day, one day something will happen, and you will believe.”

“Lisa, what are you trying to tell me?” he asked. There was fear in his voice, unmasked and dark. He almost didn’t want her to answer him.

She turned back to him. She smiled a bright smile and his fear abated a little. She closed the distance between them, placing her hand against his chest. Her touch warmed him and the fear slowly drained away.

“I will always be here,” she said. He pressed against her fingertips as they drew out a circular pattern over his heart. “Always. Even when you and I are traveling different paths.”

“Where are you?” he asked, the fear suddenly returning.

“I am always here, Edward,” she said, her fingers continuing to trace their circle.

She paused. In the distance, he could hear the plaintive cry of a jay. The breeze was cool and damp on his skin, like the air felt when there was a break in the storm.

Her fingers pressed into his chest and she said, “That doesn’t mean others can’t be here as well.” The pattern on his chest weaved a bit.

“Others?” he asked.

She seemed enormously interested in the movement of her fingers. He set his mouth to a thin line. She was avoiding the subject again. She did it on rare occasions where she was afraid she was pushing him too far. It bothered him, made him feel like she didn’t trust him. It always hurt him when she did it.

Lisa took a deep breath before speaking.

“Don’t turn her away, Edward. You need her and I know she’ll take care of you.”

There was only one person that he knew Lisa could mean when she said that.

Heather. She was talking about Heather.

Guilt welled up from his belly and gnawed at his insides.

“But it’s you I want, not her,” he protested, grabbing her hand. She was slipping away. He was letting her slip away.

Lisa sighed, lacing her fingers through his.

“Don’t lie to yourself, Edward, especially not just to believe you’re making me feel better. I know,” she said. “I know how much you want to be with her, how much you care for her. This - “

She motioned and the scenery changed as she drew her arm across the expanse before them. Where there was green grass, trees teeming with life and a serene afternoon had become the twisted metal and broken concrete of burning buildings, the desolate landscape of any one of a number of bombed cities.

A plaintive voice wailed in the distance and he coughed on the acrid smoke that filled his lungs and obscured the sun in the sky.

“This changed you. I knew it would.”

She was not looking at him now, instead studying the alien landscape before them.

“I saw it coming,” she whispered.

“You,” he began, looking at her in shock, “You saw this coming?”

When she looked back at him, her eyes were filled with tears.

“Not in this detail,” she said. His fingers flexed instinctively around her hand as he heard her voice breaking.

“What I saw was more of a great storm coming, devouring everything in its path and blotting the sun and the sky. No matter what I did, the vision never changed. There would always be death, destruction, heartache. That this storm would come and separate you and I.”

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

She stared at him. He didn’t think he’d seen her so angry - or hurt - by his words.
“What good would’ve done? It would have just been me having another flight of fancy,” she said. The bitterness in her voice was unmistakable.

He held their entwined hands up to his chest. It was only now that he realized how deeply his words had wounded her. It had been a leap of faith that she asked him to take with her. And he had dashed her hopes in an instant, with less than a handful of words. Regret weighed down on him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Another tear fell down her cheek and again he reached out and brushed it away. He had been so afraid of losing her, and yet he felt as if he had lost her long ago. He wanted to go back, wanted to say yes, take that leap with her. Trust in her. If he had, he never would have lost her.

“But do you believe now?” she asked, reading his thoughts. “Are you willing to try now?”

“Yes,” he replied.

Her lips brushed against his knuckles and she looked up at him.

“That’s all I ever wanted. You are never going to lose me, Edward. Never. You know that.”

She was silent for a moment before she continued.

“But you know that there is room in your heart for more than just me. I’ve watched her. She’s a good woman, Edward. She knows what is right and wrong. I know you think that she is so much like me, but when I watch her I think she is so like you. Eager to please, wanting to do what’s right. This changed you,” she said, gesturing to the landscape again, “and that means you need her now more than ever. If I couldn’t be with you to take care of you, I wanted someone to be with you who could. You have no idea how glad I am that she’s watching over you now.” Lisa let her hand fall away. She walked past him, down the bombed street they stood on and the world shifted again. Grass grew up from the sidewalks and trees and bushes replaced the buildings and from one step to the next they were back on that path in the park. But it wasn’t the same.

Some of the trees branched out in jagged and skewed angles, looking like the ghosts of the shattered buildings they had replaced. It was hard to determine if the base of a tree was just that or the twisted hulk of a destroyed support beam. The jay called out again, this time closer, its loneliness piercing the air.

A breeze came up and the fall leaves swirled out of the trees, wafting down around her like so much gold confetti. She looked back at him over her shoulder.

“She is the right person for you now, not me.”

“Don’t say that,” he said, walking toward her. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and rested his forehead against hers. Her hands cradled his head as she savored the contact. He wished she would stop this talk of moving on. He knew how he felt about Heather and the attraction that had grown within him over these past several months for her. But he didn’t want to talk about this. Because it hurt. It hurt to think he was letting his wife go. He held onto her, wanting all the love he felt for her to flow through him, through his hands, into her. Wanted to deny, that if only given a little more time and Heather’s consent, his love for her would be just as deep. Not the same as what he held for his wife. Lisa was right, he had changed. But his love for Heather could be just as deep.

Frustrated, he squeezed his eyes shut and shoved the thoughts aside. He didn’t want to think about this.

No, no, no! He shouted at the errant thoughts that pressed on him.

He felt Lisa’s presence before him, reaching out and calming the turmoil within. He opened his eyes and stared at her. The look she gave him was a combination of empathy and gentle admonishment.

“You’re lying to yourself again, Edward. You know what I’m saying is true. There were times I held back with you, didn’t say what should have been said because I was too afraid of hurting you. I watch her, though, and realize that I was wrong. She makes you stronger, Edward. You need her. Especially now that. . . ,” her words trailed off, but he knew what she was going to say.

“Now that we can’t be together,” he whispered. She nodded her head and cupped his cheek in her palm.

His chest emptied and collapsed at the loss and longing he felt in that moment.

He wept as buried himself into her embrace. Hard and loud in this quiet place, in this sanctuary where only he and she existed. She held him, her hands running long caresses down the length of his spine. He knew without looking that she was crying too. He let the emotions fill him; overtake him, recognizing each one in their turn. And as he did, he felt calmer, more at peace with himself than he had felt in some years.

After a time, the pain subsided. It was then that Lisa spoke again.

“We will meet again someday. For me, it will be a very short time.” She held his face in between her hands, turning him to look at her.

“For you, it will be longer.”

Lisa’s gaze turned toward the end of the path. She motioned to him to follow her. “Don’t close yourself off, Edward,” she said as they glided down the path. “She would be good to you, good for you. If I can’t be here to watch over you, then it is very fortunate that she can. She loves you, Edward. Move heaven and earth for you, because she believes in you. Don’t let her slip away. Promise me, you won’t let her slip away.”

They stood before an unusual plant. It was beautiful, Edward thought, as its fragrance intoxicated him. At its tip was a single bud colored in the palest shades of dawn. Lisa gave his hand one last squeeze and then let go. He tried holding onto her grasp for as long as he could, but her fingers merely slipped through his. She gestured to him to pluck the bud.

He reached down, grasping it between his fingers and gasped as an unseen thorn dug into his flesh. Something his father once said to him came to the forefront of his mind as his blood flowed over the snapped stem.

“You will never know sweetness, son, if you do not know bitterness also.”

The bud bloomed in his hand. At its center, Heather lay asleep. He gazed at her and felt his heart grow full with all the emotions and desire he held for her, but had denied himself to feel.

She opened her eyes and looked up. He could lose himself in those eyes. Didn’t think she ever knew how many times he came close to putting that restraint aside and indulging himself in the desire.

Then all he knew was that she was in his arms and he didn’t want to let go.
The scent of the honeysuckle lotion she always wore filled the air and he clung to her all the harder. Her contented sigh vibrated against his chest as she held him close.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered to him.

“I know,” he replied. “I’m going to take care of that.”

Lisa cleared her throat and the two fell back from one another, embarrassed. Lisa smiled, amusement glittering in her eyes. She held the chain with the band up for the Heather to see.

“I believe you will keep this safe with the utmost care,” Lisa said as she took younger woman’s palm. The chain glinted in the light as the links coiled into Heather’s upturned hand.

Heather looked at it for several moments, rolling it about in her hand. The light glittered and flashed off the ring, holding her mesmerized. Finally, her face solemn, she looked up at Lisa.

“I will do my best,” said Heather.

A bright laugh filled the air and the older woman enveloped her into a hug.

“I know you will,” Lisa said, her cheeks wet with tears. She pulled back and patted Heather’s arm. “I know you will; I’m counting on it.”

Edward regarded the two women, a little lost on what might happen next. But not afraid. Curious. Fascinated. But not afraid.

“So you believe now, Edward?” Lisa asked.

He stood there for a moment. Once he was awake, this reality fading quickly, there was still the possibility that he would dismiss this as only a dream, wishful thinking on his part. Yet, for the first time since the attacks, guilt was not this leaden weight that he carried within his chest. Fear did not wait for him in the shadows of his mind. It was going to be all right, no matter what happened, it would be all right.

Edward gave a shout of laughter.

“I don’t know if I believe, but I have the faith and the trust in you.” His gaze traveled from Lisa to Heather and then regarded the two women as they stood together before continuing.

“Both of you, to take that leap.”

Lisa clasped his cheek for a moment, then pulled her hand away. He grabbed it quickly as it fell; dropping a kiss on her knuckles, then let it go.

Lisa turned down a side path. Mists curled around her as she walked. Within a few moments, she was gone.

Edward stared at the side path that his wife had taken for a few moments. The ache of missing her was still there, but it had changed from the knife hot pain that it was to the ache of an old wound that he knew would never completely heal.

He looked down at Heather. She had placed the chain around her neck. She looked back up at him, giving him a timid smile.

He extended his hand to her. She looked at it and he could tell that she was afraid.

“It will be ok,” he said to her. She took a deep breath, chasing the butterflies away, he thought, before clasping his hand in hers. It was warm and soft and when she looked at him again, her eyes were full of promise.

“So where do we go from here?” he asked. Heather looked around them. The path that they stood on was broad, meandering in a few twists over the hills before straightening out along the ridgeline.

“This way, I think,” she said, pointing down the path. She turned to him, hesitant.

“One step at a time?” she asked.

“One step at a time,” he replied.

Edward woke in the morning, the dream rapidly receding from his consciousness. He sat on the edge his bunk, trying to recall it, but could not. For the first time in months, however, he felt at peace. Not exhausted with all that he had done and had to do. The deep sadness of not knowing where Lisa and Angel were did not tear at his first waking moment; instead a dull ache took its place. And his guilt toward Heather seemed so much smaller now. She had been a good friend, good to him and good for him. He hoped that it wasn’t too late to save what he had with her. Because for some reason he knew that Lisa would understand. It would all work out. It was going to be all right. He didn’t know why he knew that, he just did.

A/N:
I wanted to try something new (actually the technique is really old) with the repetition in the story. I've been a little worried that it might come off as overly sentimental in some spots, so I apologize if it struck you that way also when you read the story.

Two songs inspired me on this one. The old 70's song "Band of Gold", for obvious reasons. Also, "After the Fire" by the Who. An excellent song, it always seems to remind me of the after affects of a tragedy. However, I think Roger Daltrey sings it a lot better than Pete Townsend, but that's just my opinion.

I wanted to try to answer a couple of issues with this story. First, why he doesn't wear his wedding ring in the series. Second, the actor, Esai Morales, stating that Mrs. Beck was the love of Beck's life. I wanted to have a somewhat plausible reason for him to move on. That even though Mrs. Beck was the love of his life, that he might be lucky twice in his lifetime, with two different yet equally intense loves. I'm still hoping for success. :)