The abyss looks into you...
i abhor hormonal shifts. i don't know they are coming, not really... each month is different, some are bad, some are just eh. And when they hit... i go from a relatively sane individual to an irrational bitch in moments. Often in the middle of a conversation or event.
The other thing is that situations that are... mostly (or barely) tolerable but not ideal... become intolerable. So, it isn't that i say things i don't mean... because they are things that have been bothering me... but they come out with no filters, no gentleness.
This is why "this time of the month" is so difficult. It comes on quickly and has no compassion. Well.. .that isn't even true. In my mind i can hear the kind me screaming i don't want to do this... that it is too much, too far, too cruel, will serve no good, will only cause drama... but that part is in a box that cannot be voiced. Sometimes i can write it down. But mostly it just gets smothered by everything else.
If i (and my beloveds) are lucky, i can catch it quickly and isolate myself. This month we weren't so lucky.
i can't say i am sorry for... what i was feeling. My anger, my frustration, my sadness, my isolation... those are all real things that don't get acknowledged very often. But i am sorry that things came out the way they did - the pain that they caused coming out and the wounds in our relationships that won't slip away with the hormone changes - for those things i am sorry... and it adds to the shame and depression that is already present with the hormones and the aftermath.
The other thing is that situations that are... mostly (or barely) tolerable but not ideal... become intolerable. So, it isn't that i say things i don't mean... because they are things that have been bothering me... but they come out with no filters, no gentleness.
This is why "this time of the month" is so difficult. It comes on quickly and has no compassion. Well.. .that isn't even true. In my mind i can hear the kind me screaming i don't want to do this... that it is too much, too far, too cruel, will serve no good, will only cause drama... but that part is in a box that cannot be voiced. Sometimes i can write it down. But mostly it just gets smothered by everything else.
If i (and my beloveds) are lucky, i can catch it quickly and isolate myself. This month we weren't so lucky.
i can't say i am sorry for... what i was feeling. My anger, my frustration, my sadness, my isolation... those are all real things that don't get acknowledged very often. But i am sorry that things came out the way they did - the pain that they caused coming out and the wounds in our relationships that won't slip away with the hormone changes - for those things i am sorry... and it adds to the shame and depression that is already present with the hormones and the aftermath.