The road leads back to you.
I've wanted to shed the pain from my skin like excess fat pouring into a melting pot of regret. Watch it bubble and cook until I was no longer raw with an open heart and loving flesh. Once I am 'ready to eat' this life could be consumed by another body that would expel all the memory. Flushed away like a pile of waste. A parasite for each moment in time that would feed on the dead food instead of my flesh and 'piece' of mind. Memory has such a huge appetite. I've wanted to erase them all of you.
You told me that you could never punch holes into the past that way and leak me from your body and mind. After all, we love from the head when we can recall the essence of this love in yesterday and associate ourselves with the way we melted into one another inside of the same pot I use to burn away the disease - the badness - to cleanse us away and out of one another. But the soul is intuitive and my chest would still ache with every beat of my life. My heart would know you.
We've cried and sweat and bled and talked and realized all week and we are both exhausted. You are now probably sleeping on your plane back to that other city and I am getting dressed to visit my sick grandmother in the hospital. Why does the pain of life and sickness and death seem to pile up all at once? I need you here today but you left this morning. Neither you nor I can handle it anymore, living by different oceans, and trying to gather up enough money and time. It could be one month or two and if we're terribly unlucky, even four. You cried so hard the other day but my intent was never to cast upon you all that guilt. We both know this has to come to an end.
Maybe we are not meant to be for all of eternity but our meeting was written in stone. To change a stitch in the fabric of our time together is to fuck with our nature; no matter how many times I've wanted to forget. People have never understood from your side nor mine, but now they are beginning to embrace and I've even felt the envy at times at the mere sight of long lasting passion and a love that still seems to have been sustained. Fireworks; but they are more than just sparks because they stem from the memory of the mind and flow through a vein right to the heart. It's a rush. And every time I touched you by the heat that day before the 4th I felt an electric shock. We're sick to our bones and crazy in love with sadistic and masochistic tendencies because deep down inside we both still believe that love is all you need. They'd like to tell you otherwise, but in the end it's the one thing that everyone longs to find. It's not what anyone ever thinks it is and varies throughout. We watched that movie the other day and I only cried at the end when they both told one another how they would grow to dislike eachother in several ways... And even though they had wanted to forget eachother there was something inexplicably holding them together. "Okay", they said. The emotions were too strong. It's worth the pain and those hard lessons. All that matters are those feelings. The ones that refuse to waver. The ones that hold you together and keep you from anyone else. We just haven't learned to live like that yet, together, and with one another like a real union in complete trust. It's the love that comes easy but not the relationship, for whatever reason, perhaps it's just that our humaness keeps getting in the way. I'll always continue to say that I can no longer do this as long as we're so many miles away and you'll continue to get upset at my surrender, but it's all normal, at least until we erupt in violence and blinding pain. We have to stop because we are loving one another but hurting one another twice as much. We're not even entirely certain why. But it doesn't really matter because we'll either get it right someday, or die together.
They don't understand why we do this to ourselves, but I think the fire looks beautiful from where we stand in hell.