(no subject)
I've come to a realization that... I am not really emotionally open or available anymore, or I haven't been for quite some time. I don't let myself feel. I don't know how far I want to go into it, because some of it is really... I'm embarrassed by my coldness, by my inability to give a damn.
Maybe its disappointment, maybe I don't know if I can trust anymore. I don't know... I just know I have become rather isolated. I don't really have a problem with it, being independent. I don't really emotionally need anyone, and I guess its kinda nice because I could go on like this, but then again I miss a lot of other things... I feel like I'm close to no one anymore, and I can't read people/help, I can't share everything, and there is just all of these secrets and aspects of people I care about that I just don't know, and may never know.
What would be better? Needing people, being emotionally attached and trusting that it won't get me hurt? Or just sitting by the side of things, and feeling numb? Honestly, it would seem like an easy question, but I just don't have the answer.
I guess growing up is more then just crushes and best friends and self-esteem. There is so much more... so much learning, and even more confusions and questions posed that will never get answered.
I'm not sad, just confused. Wistful might be the right word.
For the first time in a long time, I'm content.
But why does that not feel like enough?
Maybe its disappointment, maybe I don't know if I can trust anymore. I don't know... I just know I have become rather isolated. I don't really have a problem with it, being independent. I don't really emotionally need anyone, and I guess its kinda nice because I could go on like this, but then again I miss a lot of other things... I feel like I'm close to no one anymore, and I can't read people/help, I can't share everything, and there is just all of these secrets and aspects of people I care about that I just don't know, and may never know.
What would be better? Needing people, being emotionally attached and trusting that it won't get me hurt? Or just sitting by the side of things, and feeling numb? Honestly, it would seem like an easy question, but I just don't have the answer.
I guess growing up is more then just crushes and best friends and self-esteem. There is so much more... so much learning, and even more confusions and questions posed that will never get answered.
I'm not sad, just confused. Wistful might be the right word.
For the first time in a long time, I'm content.
But why does that not feel like enough?