fic: say when
Title: Say When
Pairing: Will/Rachel
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After a Christmas concert, Rachel is forced to finally come to terms with something she's been trying to hide all along.
Prologue:
It happened right after I belted out that final note. The crowd seemed to be forever lost in the blackness, masked by their endless applause, but he wasn’t. I could very well feel his stare as uninvited emotion immediately overcame me. I felt like I was about to cry, even though at the same time, I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t explain it any other way. I was just so happy, but all the while, I was overcome with such indescribable sadness that I could barely breathe. Everyone else just seemed to fade away right before my very eyes as I gazed back at him. I was wondering if he was feeling as I was. The look he was giving me was intense and even though I honestly tried, I was unable to look away. This was the best I had ever performed, and it was all thanks to him.
***
It felt as if I were trying to dry swallow a big pill. As soon as I forced open the gym exit doors, I was greeted with a fresh layer of snow covering the walkway outside of McKinley High School. I desperately didn’t want to be the first to create imprints as it looked so serene in its fresh, snowy state but I knew that I had no choice. I had to get out of there. Imprints. That word succeeded in consuming my mind as I closed my eyes, breathing in the crisp winter night. Hearing only the sound of the freshly fallen snow crunching ever so lightly beneath my boots along the frozen path, I continued walking towards the parking lot. I furiously wiped the tears away, actually thankful for the first time in my life that I was alone.
Glee had just put on a Christmas concert in the auditorium to present to McKinley High’s staff, parents, and students. It was a highly anticipated and wonderful night that I didn’t want to end. I wanted to savor it as long as possible. Every song that we had been working so hard on for the past few months had turned out so beautifully. I remember feeling the sudden urge to cry after I sang those last few notes of "Defying Gravity." I don’t know if the reason for that was simply getting caught up in the moment, or if it was because of the way that Will's eyes began to tear up as I finished the song.
A whole hour and a half had gone by since the end of the show and I decided to stay afterward to help Mr. Schuester put all the equipment away. He had said it wasn’t necessary, that he could handle it, and that I should go home and enjoy the rest of my night, but I protested. I could have listened to him, and probably would have if it weren’t for how I was feeling at that particular moment. For some reason, I felt the all too familiar surge of emotions creeping their way back to where they had first began. I wish I could explain how I felt so magnetically drawn to him, and that the thought alone of leaving his presence actually made me ache. The more times I tried to deny the feelings I had for him, the more my brain would shut off, leaving my heart empty in its loneliness.
Mr. Schuester. Will Schuester. What an amazing guy. He had absolutely no idea how much all of the people in Glee adored him. How much I adored him. Well, scratch that. I guess he knew how I felt once, or thought he knew. Time had gone by, however, since that happened and I knew for a fact that he had long brushed it off. He knew that I was a smart girl with her head on her shoulders and I guess, since then, I must have done a pretty good job at masking my feelings.
I doubt he could even begin to know how deeply I care for him. The feelings I have been quarreling with for the past few months haven’t gone away, rather, they have just grown that much stronger. It was different now. My life had changed, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. In a way, I wished that wasn’t the case, but now the more I tried to forget about him, the harder it was and the more it hurt.
I’ll admit that I haven’t been myself for the last little while. I wish I could fully understand why, although, I do know that it’s because of him. He was the reason for my tears in the morning and my tears at night. He was the reason for my sudden loss of appetite and the cause of that embarrassing B sharp during rehearsals last Thursday. Truthfully, Glee club was the only thing still keeping me going. I was throwing all of my pent up emotions into my schoolwork just to keep my sanity. I never wanted to feel the way that I did, not in a million years. I wasn’t the kind of girl who would just fall for a line of faculty, nor was I someone to think I stood a chance of him ever returning the same kind of feelings that I had for him.
But he had faith in me, more faith than I even had in myself most of the time, and that alone, terrified me. When I experienced tough times in Glee, or even with my own personal life, he had always been there for me in the most genuine way. He didn’t have to show that he cared so much. Why did he? I knew that even long after I left McKinley High I would never be able to erase him from my memory, even if I tried.
I felt a trail of shivers creep their way down both of my arms as I suddenly realized that they both were left completely uncovered. My coat. The memory of innocently draping it over the coat rack inside the choir room earlier that evening quickly re-entered my mind. Wrapping my arms around myself shivering, I instantaneously froze in mid-walk, while considering turning back toward the building until something stopped me.
“Rachel!”
Speak of the devil. Closing my eyes for half a second, I took a deep breath in order to collect myself before spinning around to face my Glee coach. Sure enough, fifteen feet away just outside the gym exit doors where I had been moments before, there stood Mr. Schuester, clutching my favorite purple pea coat gently in his hands. He raised it up in the air as a gesture while an impish, upturned grin spread across his face.
In response, I felt the formation of a helpless smile begin to tug at my own lips as we once again shared that same longing look for each other. I nervously took in a quick breath of relief in the disguise of a sigh. While releasing a half laugh, I threw my hands up in the air in defeat. He had no idea what effect he had on me. No idea at all.
“Mr. Schue! My coat. Thank you.” I forced out, hoping he couldn’t hear the cracking in my voice. Thank God he was still somewhat far away. He couldn’t possibly have made out what I had said. Mentally, I scolded myself. Rachel. Get yourself together. He’s your teacher. Stop it. Soon he began to jog at a gingerly pace in order to get to the position where I was on the walkway, and while this was happening, I inhaled and exhaled deeply, grinding my two feet further into the freshly fallen snow. I had to pull myself together. And at the same time, I honestly had to remember just how to breathe because the mere sight of him simply took my breath away.
It wasn’t until we were finally face-to-face that he took notice of the current state I was in. I felt his eyes scan mine and then travel all the way down my neck. There was no doubt that he had quickly noticed the familiar red blotches spread out across the patch of skin peeking through my black top. That alone was a trademark I had possessed and was quite evident when I was emotionally upset. Concern immediately spread over his face.
“Rachel…”
Just hearing the way he said my name, the warmth and caring tone that came through his voice just affected me immediately. Burying my face in my hands, I pathetically burst into tears, tears that I had been holding in for a very long time. It wasn’t long before I felt his strong arms pull me in towards him and I was soon left shaking in his embrace. I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t think anymore. I couldn’t even pretend that I was fine, like I was usually pretty good at doing. My whole world just began to crumble, and I felt its weight all around me as I fell apart. His arms were the only things keeping me safe. While continuous sobs wracked my body, I soon felt one of his hands travel up to my hair, beginning to gently smooth back the strands.
We were standing there, in the middle of the walkway for what seemed like a long time. The school had long closed, and I knew for a fact we both were the last ones to leave. Snowflakes were beginning to fall, sprinkling my face and the entire time I never released my grasp from his soft winter coat. He remained quiet and still as he allowed me to cry my heart out. Occasionally he would whisper something comforting. At one point I think he asked me what was wrong and that I could tell him, but I think he already knew.
I certainly didn’t expect that his head would tilt down, and that his lips would move right next to my ear in a whisper. Something meant only for me.
“I know. It’s okay. I want you to know that, alright?”
His voice left tingles of excitement that I’ve never felt before as they shot straight from my neck right down to my toes. My cries slowly began to subside, as my eyebrows slowly wrinkled in confusion.
Trying to catch my own breath now and thinking about what his words meant, I immediately felt his hand move from where it was on my back, up to my hair again. Comfortingly, he began to run his fingers through a second time in a soothing mantra. This time, though it felt different. It was gentler, more intimate. I sniffled and shook my head into his chest, biting my lower lip instantly, while trying desperately to prevent further embarrassment. What was he talking about? It was not okay. How could it be?
“No, no. That’s not what I mean. Rachel, look at me.”
I shuddered as I felt his breath hot on my face. And sure enough, goose bumps began their quick maneuver up my bare arms. I felt more exposed than ever. Will must have noticed, as he gently draped the purple coat he'd kept a hold of onto my shoulders. He subtly moved his body closer to mine as he adjusted the fabric to cover me. He thought I was cold but I honestly couldn’t have felt more overheated in that moment. I actually felt myself growing faint.
“I can’t…I,” I whimpered. I just couldn’t speak. I tried, I really did but nothing else would come out. And I couldn’t lose myself in those absolutely entrancing green eyes. If I did, God knows what would happen. I bit my lip once more, this time harder as I feel that familiar lump rise again at the back of my throat. I didn’t want to relive that painful moment anymore of us alone in the choir room after I tried to apologize to him for how I felt the first time. But that was all that was flashing through my mind at that very moment.
“Honey, please.”
I felt my heart skip a beat as he affectionately called me ‘honey.’ Okay, we were officially stepping into new territory. He had never called me that before. Then again, we had also never been this close; he had never seen me like this. His voice suddenly got very husky, and I blushed a little in response to how incredibly sexy it was. This was no time to feel guilty. I could feel my pulse beating loudly through my ears, the blood beginning to boil beneath my skin, heating up my face again. Soon I felt the light touch of a fingertip against my chin, softly lifting it so I was forced to face him. I was suddenly very aware of where I was and what was happening. I could hear my own breathing begin to get very shallow.
Even though it was absolutely freezing around us, our close embrace kept us warm. I suddenly felt his hand rise up from my shoulder to softly move a wisp of hair off of my face again, tucking it behind my ear. And that’s when I couldn’t hold back any longer. Sucking in a final breath of air, I finally and carefully allowed myself to look into his eyes.
They were already piercing into mine, desperately searching for something. I could feel my eyes welling up as I took in another breath. I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry. I suddenly found myself nervous, and self consciously looking away, instead settling on the perfect contours of his lips. I didn’t intend for my eyes to travel there, nor did I expect for his arms pull me closer to him. It was almost like there was no running away, no turning back even if we wanted to. I shivered as he stopped running his hand through my hair, enough to place a loving touch just above my cheekbone. I felt my cheeks flush underneath his fingertips and I couldn’t help but shyly return his gaze again, my hand now reaching up to cover his. Before I could properly process what was happening, we both let out an almost melodic sounding sigh as we leaned into one another until both of our foreheads touched.
I closed my eyes and in that instant, my lip couldn’t help but tremble as I tried to express how I was feeling in words. This was more than I could ever imagine. I had only dreamed of this moment up until now and the reality of being this close to him was almost too much. A few seconds went by and neither of us moved an inch, nor did we look at each other. An unexpected but quiet sob escaped my lips as I felt the walls that I had built come tumbling down. I didn’t have to pretend to be strong in front of him anymore. But I was showing him a much more vulnerable side of myself that I had never let anyone see before and that alone frightened me.
“I’m scared.” The tears that I managed to keep unshed up until that very moment began to finally cascade from my lashes.
“Me too.”
After making that honest declaration, I looked at him once more before closing my eyes and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.
The kiss was extremely soft and gentle to start off, with Will never taking advantage of me even once. He just simply waited to discover my response. My mind completely shut off as eventually I found myself fervently kissing him back. As my hand moved up to cup his chin, his hand traveled to the back of my neck, closing in whatever space there was left between us. Before we knew it we were both caught up in the moment. I felt my coat slide off my shoulders, and then fall to the ground. The soft kisses he caressed my lips with I was enjoying, but I wanted more.
Feeling brave, I opened my mouth a little. I could feel the sensation of his tongue entering briefly, as if asking for permission. I gladly responded by pressing my mouth harder against his, our tongues starting a magical duel of their very own. I was surprised to hear a quiet, unintentional moan escape from his lips while our kisses grew more passionate. Feeling like I was about to topple over right then, I grabbed a fistful of the back of his coat and didn’t dare to let go. My knees were seriously beginning to give in on me and I think he took notice of that right away, as both of his hands were now supporting me right where I needed it the most.
When our lips separated, and while gasping for air, I questioningly searched his eyes while his hands remained settled on my waist. I had never been this close up to his face before; I was suddenly seeing him in an entirely new light. His eyes were absolutely luminous and mesmerizing, I just could not look away. But I was not ready for what happened next.
“What am I doing…”
I felt a rough pang in my chest as he said that; it felt as if a dagger made its way through my heart. I threw a hand to cover my mouth, to fight back a sob that made my entire body heave. Suddenly, I felt sick. I hated myself. I hated how I couldn’t let this infatuation go and I hated how I put him in this position. I hated how I let myself be so vulnerable in front of him. I swatted him away with my other hand.
“Rachel, wait.”
“Mr. Schue. Before you…” I cut him off, closing my eyes in one painful motion. His last name, which I had grown so used to calling him countless times before, sounded so foreign to me now as it rolled off of my tongue. Reality hit me hard. I knew it was because we had both already crossed over that line. Now that there was no formality left I tried to push myself out of his grip, but his arms that encircled my waist moved to my shoulders. He stopped me in mid-sentence.
“I know what I said before. I had to --”
“Then just say it!” I spat out bitterly, all the while shocking even myself by how forceful my words came out. I immediately noticed he looked hurt, but at the same time not exactly surprised by my sudden lash out. A memory had flooded back of that morning a couple of months ago when I waited for him in the choir room. The time that I had wanted to say that I was genuinely sorry. Sorry for making a complete fool out of myself for ogling over him and for not being able to successfully grab hold of my emotions. He told me that he was my teacher and that was all he would ever be to me, that he was sorry. At the time, I put on a brave face but the pain I felt as soon as he was out of my reach was just too much to bear.
He finally let me go, understanding that I desperately needed some space. As I walked away from him a few steps, I raised my hands to my head and looked up towards the sky, relishing in the feeling of icy snowflakes falling down, covering my eyelids.
“I never planned on feeling this way, okay?” I said as I threw him a quick look over the side of my shoulder, my body turning back around somewhat. As his eyes intensely locked with mine, I looked down like a coward, my ears burning. I sounded like a child. I absolutely hated the way my voice came out when it mattered. The silence that followed after was so painfully piercing that I couldn’t breathe. But I found the strength to continue.
“I know that it’s wrong and I thought it was something I could deal with. I really did. But I didn’t know it would be this hard.”
I forced myself to look at him then. He needed to understand. He needed to realize that I wasn’t deliberately trying to ruin his life. He needed to realize that this was far more serious than just a girl with a crush on her teacher. That it was much more than that. Something that just couldn’t be helped. That it was innocent and genuine and not solely a schoolgirl acting with raging hormones, or whatever the cliché was. I was taken aback when I observed that even his own eyes were just as emotional, and that it honestly looked as if he were fighting back tears himself.
“I didn’t know that conversation we had that day would replay in my head, in my dreams…every single night.” I heard him speak my name again then, emotion clearly evident in his voice this time. Immediately he reached out for my hand, even though I remained standing where I was. Our fingers instinctively began to intertwine and once they had, I started crying again. Hard. This time, I was not expecting to. But everything was just overwhelming me.
“Showing up at Glee club having to pretend like nothing was wrong; that everything was normal…killed me. I can’t seem to…stop feeling this way. I know to you, I’m just a kid but…my heart…”
Before I knew it, I couldn’t even finish my sentence and I was choking back sobs. Instantly, I felt his other hand grasp my shoulder firmly but comfortingly enough to spin me right back around to him again. My hands fell from my face, as we were now back exactly where we had started. Without hesitating even the slightest bit, he pulled me into his arms again and cradled my face in his hands. He silenced me by grazing the side of his face lightly against mine. I almost gasped when I felt a bit of a scratch against my cheek from his chiseled face. Thinking that he was simply prolonging a possible second kiss, he caught me off guard a second time, whispering these beautiful words in my ear which I felt I hardly deserved.
“You, Rachel Berry, are the most amazing woman I have ever met. And the thing is…you don’t even know it. I only said what I said before because I was confused. And because it was the right thing to say, regardless of how I really felt. I had to put my feelings aside.”
He slowly began to lovingly wipe away my tears with the soft pads of his thumbs. To sturdy myself, I raised my hands, placing them gently against each forearm. Then I found myself lost in his eyes yet again.
I took in his entire face and knew right then and there that what he was saying was true. He cared for me. Why did I ever try to convince myself otherwise?
I laughed a little then, probably appearing more of a mess now then I was before.
Apparently, it made him smile even as he began to question it.
“What?” He said softly, sliding a piece of hair around my ear.
“How did you know?” My breath caught in my throat.
“Your…journal.” His eyebrows furrowed, he tucked his chin in now, embarrassed.
I just about had a fit right there. My journal? What was he talking about? Suddenly, I gasped in complete horror as I realized that he had found it. The tiny pink Moleskine journal I thought had simply disappeared from under my bed. The one where I had been venting away my sorrows of how much I was falling in love with him and that I had been desperately trying to pull myself out of the depression within which I seemed to be lost. My face had to be beet red.
“Don’t worry. No one else read it. Two weeks ago when you stayed behind for an extra rehearsal. It was just you and me. You were rummaging around your backpack for the letter of consent form for Sectionals from your parents. I guess it may have slipped out from one of your textbooks or something. By the time I realized it might have been yours, you were gone. No one else was around but me. I kept it.”
Apparently how I responded next somewhat shocked him.
“You weren’t supposed to look at it.”
He fought back a light, almost mischievous laugh, one that was completely different from the ones I had grown so used to. Even though I was completely overcome with embarrassment, his laughter was still music to my ears.
“I know but I’m glad I did.” His voice was serious now. “I was worried about you, Rach. I really was. I really had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
He still had my face in his hands as I struggled to compose myself, managing a subtle nod.
“We’ll figure this all out, okay? We owe it to ourselves to give it a chance.”
His eyes were full of love as we bumped foreheads once more before he leaned into me, crashing his lips up against mine. I kissed back with fervor, desperate to stay connected to him. With those gentle words and the soft pad of his thumb on my cheek, he had given me something I’d never allowed myself to expect.
As a renewed flush of emotion filled my mind, Will pulled back, his lower lip giving mine a lazy brush. Looking down at the lack of space between our bodies, his hand left my cheek to pull my coat tighter. I stopped his action with my own chilled palm, my fingers curling into his lifeline as I tugged him away. Daring a smile, I felt my eyes water with different kinds of tears. I stepped back and pulled him toward the doors that would lead back to the school, the auditorium, and the rest of the world.
I felt a wave of uncertainty grab me as my fingers brushed the cool steel. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I glanced back at Will, who had imperceptibly tightened his grip on my hand. As he stepped closer I looked up at him, the smallest of snowflakes clinging to his lashes. “Will we still have a chance in there?” Will’s face twitched and my heart stopped, waiting, knowing. But all he did was smile slowly, the right corner of his mouth raising higher in a sweet smirk.
He stepped closer to me, trapping our still-held hands between us. The sound of crunching snow beneath his shoes was drowned out as he leaned his face back down to mine.
With the most honest of kisses, a gentle lingering peck to the tip of my nose, Will murmured, “Absolutely.”