i'm taking a break
...or at least that's the plan. if i make the statement that i'm trying to take time to step back and get away from things, am i still actively pursuing that goal, or is the effort interrupted?
silly questions, and the answer is very probably dependent on frame of reference
the thing i said i was fed up with in my most recent public entry is what i need to get away from for a while. my life has been absolutely consumed over the past couple of years, and i never thought to pause and really critically look at what was going on, because i didn't have the ability, didn't see the need, or some combination of the two
last week, i came home from an afternoon spent trying to get away from myself at the beach to a phone message from a particular organization (think: - - trust). i was mildly, cautiously, pretty darn enthused. then it took until the following morning to listen to what was left, because nerves and anxiety. paraphrased, "thank you for your support. your contributions allow us to do what we do"
and darn it, i jumped on that as an opportunity to explain - superficially - the whole thing, because i'd wanted to for a while, but was always short of a (good) reason to get the ball rolling. in particular, "[topic] was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening", plus more on the subjective side of things, and it's been hanging there since. no reply. nothing in return to say "oh, that's... interesting, and... ... informative" (which is only one, very specifically charged way of filling in the blank, to be clear), and it's fine. or it is what it is more like. at the same time as i feel like i overshared, and experience embarrassment at the thought, i also know that what i said was true, and accurate to my experience. or is it...?
which is about where i got to yesterday, and where i'm still at today, but for the record, i am not taking a break because of thinking / feeling related to that interaction. i'm trying to get away because all of the difficulties i've been facing since this time last week are centered around that one topic
and that's going to be enough on all of that for now. even writing about the stuff is causing me to think in that direction, and... i need to try and get away for a while and see what happens
Mom came for movie night yesterday, which was a fun, if short. i tried to work on organizing files because i felt more interested in that than i have, and got through organizing and backing up all of the files related to digitising childhood cassettes within the night. i went outside to be on the deck a couple of times, the first to work on a puzzle in my work lunch break puzzle book, and the second to lay out on my stomach on a sheet, and maybe fall asleep. didn't happen, so i went back inside, continued watching a 4+ hour video of Majora's Mask from a GDQ event, ate more than i needed to, and ended up passing out on the couch until the sun was starting to come up
and this is the version of my life that i really need to wrangle with. the feeling of doing / accomplishing little of (positive) consequence, and needing to be okay with that, if it's the sort of thing that it's alright to feel okay with
today was rainy at the beginning, and i want to wash the dishes before making oatmeal and sitting down again
so i guess, for now, i'll get on with those-
silly questions, and the answer is very probably dependent on frame of reference
the thing i said i was fed up with in my most recent public entry is what i need to get away from for a while. my life has been absolutely consumed over the past couple of years, and i never thought to pause and really critically look at what was going on, because i didn't have the ability, didn't see the need, or some combination of the two
last week, i came home from an afternoon spent trying to get away from myself at the beach to a phone message from a particular organization (think: - - trust). i was mildly, cautiously, pretty darn enthused. then it took until the following morning to listen to what was left, because nerves and anxiety. paraphrased, "thank you for your support. your contributions allow us to do what we do"
and darn it, i jumped on that as an opportunity to explain - superficially - the whole thing, because i'd wanted to for a while, but was always short of a (good) reason to get the ball rolling. in particular, "[topic] was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening", plus more on the subjective side of things, and it's been hanging there since. no reply. nothing in return to say "oh, that's... interesting, and... ... informative" (which is only one, very specifically charged way of filling in the blank, to be clear), and it's fine. or it is what it is more like. at the same time as i feel like i overshared, and experience embarrassment at the thought, i also know that what i said was true, and accurate to my experience. or is it...?
which is about where i got to yesterday, and where i'm still at today, but for the record, i am not taking a break because of thinking / feeling related to that interaction. i'm trying to get away because all of the difficulties i've been facing since this time last week are centered around that one topic
and that's going to be enough on all of that for now. even writing about the stuff is causing me to think in that direction, and... i need to try and get away for a while and see what happens
Mom came for movie night yesterday, which was a fun, if short. i tried to work on organizing files because i felt more interested in that than i have, and got through organizing and backing up all of the files related to digitising childhood cassettes within the night. i went outside to be on the deck a couple of times, the first to work on a puzzle in my work lunch break puzzle book, and the second to lay out on my stomach on a sheet, and maybe fall asleep. didn't happen, so i went back inside, continued watching a 4+ hour video of Majora's Mask from a GDQ event, ate more than i needed to, and ended up passing out on the couch until the sun was starting to come up
and this is the version of my life that i really need to wrangle with. the feeling of doing / accomplishing little of (positive) consequence, and needing to be okay with that, if it's the sort of thing that it's alright to feel okay with
today was rainy at the beginning, and i want to wash the dishes before making oatmeal and sitting down again
so i guess, for now, i'll get on with those-