stuck inside myself, pt. 2
i got up and washed the dishes
i flossed and brushed my teeth
i completed one set of daily exercises (13 pushups, 9 side-to-side leg stretches, and 26 squats (weird, quasi-substantial numbers, i know, but it's about making the effort))
i went out to Food Basics and bought ~$34 worth of stuff, including three cucumbers which were my primary reason for going
that's been good, albeit sunny and sweaty, and now there's about half an hour left until it's time to leave for work (2:10pm right now)
and there's one thought in particular that's there in mind, a little more conspicuously than the rest that i'm writing again to try and externalize
i am so tired of snow leopards
i am so fed up and over revisiting (even only as a faint flicker) the energy and awareness that i opened my eyes to a couple years ago
i am very nearly over making donations in the low-end-of-three-figures range each time i send money to Snow Leopard Trust on an incidental basis, and the monthly donations as well
at first - before - it felt like i was making a difference, and having a positive impact, but in recent times, being over the past week, life has opened my eyes to the fact that the reality which exists in my imagination is vastly different than the reality that exists outside of me. is that reason to give up hope? to turn my back to species because caring and wanting is a source of more negative energy than positive? probably not. i'm probably just burnt the heck out, and need to take a good long break being involved in / with something else, but whatever that something may be, i don't know what it is
it also isn't a help that we've been experiencing a heat wave for the past several days, and it's humid enough inside that even if i had some idea of what i wanted to do, i wouldn't be able to focus. what i said in the previous entry about being finished with cassettes is also a piece of the puzzle. from beginning to end, those were a cool month-plus long project, so for pretty well that entire time, i had something to look forward to / anticipate doing in between whatever other task(s) i was engaged in. now that they're done, the only things i can think of to work on are various computer-data concerned tasks for me, which i can't be bothered with for one because of the heat, and for two because they aren't engaging in the same way. life at work has all but lost its meaning because i do the same thing day in and day out, and never get caught up or feel accomplished to the point where i can feel good about / take satisfaction in what i do, life at home is stale because five days of the week i'm at work, which leaves little time for anything else, and the rest of the time i'm just bored and unsure of what to do. add snow leopards / species leading to this place of borderline nihilism and apathy, and just... i don't know
i'm burnt out, for sure
i need a break from all stimulus concerned with species Panthera Uncia
at the same time there, i look at what's going on inside of me, and i'm clearly aware of the complex, nigh-lifelong relationship i have with / to those spotty-bodied cats. maybe i cling too tightly to the past
eh
this is the way things are, for right now anyway
now it's time to go to work-
i flossed and brushed my teeth
i completed one set of daily exercises (13 pushups, 9 side-to-side leg stretches, and 26 squats (weird, quasi-substantial numbers, i know, but it's about making the effort))
i went out to Food Basics and bought ~$34 worth of stuff, including three cucumbers which were my primary reason for going
that's been good, albeit sunny and sweaty, and now there's about half an hour left until it's time to leave for work (2:10pm right now)
and there's one thought in particular that's there in mind, a little more conspicuously than the rest that i'm writing again to try and externalize
i am so tired of snow leopards
i am so fed up and over revisiting (even only as a faint flicker) the energy and awareness that i opened my eyes to a couple years ago
i am very nearly over making donations in the low-end-of-three-figures range each time i send money to Snow Leopard Trust on an incidental basis, and the monthly donations as well
at first - before - it felt like i was making a difference, and having a positive impact, but in recent times, being over the past week, life has opened my eyes to the fact that the reality which exists in my imagination is vastly different than the reality that exists outside of me. is that reason to give up hope? to turn my back to species because caring and wanting is a source of more negative energy than positive? probably not. i'm probably just burnt the heck out, and need to take a good long break being involved in / with something else, but whatever that something may be, i don't know what it is
it also isn't a help that we've been experiencing a heat wave for the past several days, and it's humid enough inside that even if i had some idea of what i wanted to do, i wouldn't be able to focus. what i said in the previous entry about being finished with cassettes is also a piece of the puzzle. from beginning to end, those were a cool month-plus long project, so for pretty well that entire time, i had something to look forward to / anticipate doing in between whatever other task(s) i was engaged in. now that they're done, the only things i can think of to work on are various computer-data concerned tasks for me, which i can't be bothered with for one because of the heat, and for two because they aren't engaging in the same way. life at work has all but lost its meaning because i do the same thing day in and day out, and never get caught up or feel accomplished to the point where i can feel good about / take satisfaction in what i do, life at home is stale because five days of the week i'm at work, which leaves little time for anything else, and the rest of the time i'm just bored and unsure of what to do. add snow leopards / species leading to this place of borderline nihilism and apathy, and just... i don't know
i'm burnt out, for sure
i need a break from all stimulus concerned with species Panthera Uncia
at the same time there, i look at what's going on inside of me, and i'm clearly aware of the complex, nigh-lifelong relationship i have with / to those spotty-bodied cats. maybe i cling too tightly to the past
eh
this is the way things are, for right now anyway
now it's time to go to work-