stuck inside myself
there isn't enough time to really get into anything right now, because i want to get up and wash the dishes / get going for the day proper
but i hurt. i think. i feel stuck, isolated, and without a clear means of proceeding forward other than to ignore the feeling of hopelessness and just act on what i can actually accomplish
last week, about Monday afternoon, i was poking around on AskReddit, just looking for something to read to pass the time. before that, i had been working on digitizing childhood cassette tapes from Mom, which had turned into a long-term project for wanting to do them justice, and go to lengths to the maximum extent possible, but just like that, within the early afternoon, they were finished. so i turned to the internet for stimulation, and within the first thread or two, was triggered at pretty much the only level i feel or care about anything these days: species. more specifically, exploitation / predation for the sake of ego-driven concerns, aka. collecting
there's alot that goes into it. externally, i get that life doesn't care. can't change what's already happened, and what will be will be regardless of how i feel, so i might as well try my best to not feel / care at all, but if not caring is the best i can come up with in terms of a solution, what's the point having contributed financial support to Snow Leopard Trust for ~2 years now, and wanting that to continue in the future? why try when the effort might as well amount to delaying the inevitable? even if we - all supporters / advocates for the species across the globe - are able to alter the status of species Panthera Uncia on the risk scale positive one or two levels, does it really matter in the end? nb. that i'm ignorant, and have only a superficial awareness of the following, but isn't climate change, and the state of the ozone layer a bigger concern?
i feel like i spend too much time concerned with what isn't right, or what could be better, and not enough looking at what's going well but... and the but is what kills me. there's always an asterisk. always some sort of condition or modifier that takes what appears to be, and casts it in a different light
but i need to be done with this here and move on with the morning. next steps are to put music on, wash the dishes, exercise, and get myself out to Food Basics to buy stuff i want with money i don't necessarily have. i want to go. i'm exicted to get cucumbers, hopefully snap / snow peas, and some other stuff. and i need to try and come back to LiveJournal sooner rather than later and continue trying to write about where i'm at, because while the title of this entry is true, what i've written here is only a shadow of what i actually feel inside. maybe i don't need to write the whole thing. maybe i just need to write what's relevant now, and take it one step at a time
we'll see what happens-
but i hurt. i think. i feel stuck, isolated, and without a clear means of proceeding forward other than to ignore the feeling of hopelessness and just act on what i can actually accomplish
last week, about Monday afternoon, i was poking around on AskReddit, just looking for something to read to pass the time. before that, i had been working on digitizing childhood cassette tapes from Mom, which had turned into a long-term project for wanting to do them justice, and go to lengths to the maximum extent possible, but just like that, within the early afternoon, they were finished. so i turned to the internet for stimulation, and within the first thread or two, was triggered at pretty much the only level i feel or care about anything these days: species. more specifically, exploitation / predation for the sake of ego-driven concerns, aka. collecting
there's alot that goes into it. externally, i get that life doesn't care. can't change what's already happened, and what will be will be regardless of how i feel, so i might as well try my best to not feel / care at all, but if not caring is the best i can come up with in terms of a solution, what's the point having contributed financial support to Snow Leopard Trust for ~2 years now, and wanting that to continue in the future? why try when the effort might as well amount to delaying the inevitable? even if we - all supporters / advocates for the species across the globe - are able to alter the status of species Panthera Uncia on the risk scale positive one or two levels, does it really matter in the end? nb. that i'm ignorant, and have only a superficial awareness of the following, but isn't climate change, and the state of the ozone layer a bigger concern?
i feel like i spend too much time concerned with what isn't right, or what could be better, and not enough looking at what's going well but... and the but is what kills me. there's always an asterisk. always some sort of condition or modifier that takes what appears to be, and casts it in a different light
but i need to be done with this here and move on with the morning. next steps are to put music on, wash the dishes, exercise, and get myself out to Food Basics to buy stuff i want with money i don't necessarily have. i want to go. i'm exicted to get cucumbers, hopefully snap / snow peas, and some other stuff. and i need to try and come back to LiveJournal sooner rather than later and continue trying to write about where i'm at, because while the title of this entry is true, what i've written here is only a shadow of what i actually feel inside. maybe i don't need to write the whole thing. maybe i just need to write what's relevant now, and take it one step at a time
we'll see what happens-