(no subject)
concerning the redundantly-titled ongoing topic of perseveration (autism), i had a thought last night that feels significant among others:
it doesn't matter whether i actually am or not. as something that came along basically out of the blue and proceeded to flood my existence, it's been the topic lately, but i'm into the part now where it feels like it's doing me more harm than good. as an umbrella term, and something i could ascribe all my perceived differences to, it served a purpose, but outside of that, it's not ever going to be official. i would need to want to pursue an official diagnosis in order for that to happen. i would need to have access to the service, and be willing to cover the couple-thousand-dollar cost in order to be given a professional, roundly-informed opinion, and as confident as i sometimes feel, theirs could still be "no, you aren't"
fittingly-slash-go-figure, as soon as i came to that acceptance, and turned that corner, something new asserted itself. complex post-traumatic stress disorder. my current theory is that Ash's death is the main event prior to spiritual awakening that precipitated alot of where i'm at now. times with her were good, when they were good, but they also weren't so great. work was a source of considerable stress back then, i had no healthy / established coping mechanisms in order to deal with those feelings, and she was there. it's not okay, but it is what it is as of now as well. we could get into it, but not right now
before Ash, there was being with Jen. all of that is a bunch of weight and complex emotions / feelings that - as of now - i believe i'll carry for the rest of my life. even to just imagine writing her a letter at some point in the future is impossible. there's too much. and that's just on the surface level. sure, negativity bias plays a part, and i believe there are genuine good memories mixed in with the more emotionally charged ones, but being together was a defining experience, and left its mark either way
before that, there were any of the times i was friends with someone, but in a fake, contrived way. i didn't know who i was, and it was difficult to form relationships with others in real life, so i turned to the internet, where i could put on a mask, and be who / whatever i felt like i needed to be relative to the situation. but i went too hard. the facade i put on in any of those cases was built on misplaced hope and positive intent, and, inevitably, i could only fake it so long before i ran out of energy to pretend, i dropped off the face of the Earth unto the other half of the relationship, and went through a period of working to bury my feelings in time and distance, and existential battery recharging
prior to that, there isn't anything that stands out in the same way. schoolyard antics - a classmate remarking that he was going to burn his Bugs Bunny t-shirt at home, because i was wearing the same one, and the cootie shot thing that was done in reference to me - but kids are dumb. possible connection between seeing Mom in tears after the washer / dryer wrecked a favorite shirt of hers when i was really young, and my attachment to soft / fuzzy / nicely-textured materials. side-eye to the fabric issue that cleaved the relationship Jen and i had nearly in two...
it is what it is, i guess? it's both funny and fitting that one thing led to another with hardly a break between the two, but i'm on board with wherever we go from here
in a related way, it's really starting to hit home, and become an internalized thing that i experience anxiety with such frequency that i've become normalized to it. the particular significance of that lately is that life has been less and less stimulating lately, both at home and at work. that's not so much an issue at home, because i'm in my comfortable space here, and there isn't too much that induces anxiety. work is the opposite, however. anxiety, and stress are the norm there, and as i've recently come to learn the hard way, in absence of stimulation, the mind will find ways to occupy itself. anxiety is a particularly potent source of mind fuel, in that it feeds on itself. numerically, one anxiety plus another leads to two. two multiply on themselves, and lead to four. four lead to eight, to sixteen, thirty-two, and it continues to exponentiate out from there
the past five shifts at work have all been their own sort of rough for that reason, in that i've really been stressing over things in my head. they've been the first five back from time off. transitioning from one type of general existential energy to the other has come with some grinding of gears, and all i've been thinking about is how little i have it together - how aimless / pointless my existence feels - how much of a disadvantage i'm at for the fact i prefer to keep to myself, and find it difficult to vibe with others. i want to do the best i can at work, but i don't care beyond that, and i imagine how i'd be judged / perceived if other staff at Sobeys (particularly those in the grocery department) actually knew how aimless and self-assured i am. or at least that's how i feel
the reality is i chose to be like this. i'm coasting because i chose to drop back and trust life to take me where i need to go. i'm aimless at work because i prefer to keep to myself, and it's easy / sensible to assume that the less outgoing and more standoffish i am, the less favorably i am to be thought of by others, which, from my slanted perspective is fine, because i know where i'm coming from, and intent is the important part of the thing. i'm aimless in life because i want to be happy with what i have from the start. to step to the side, and let cosmic cause and effect take centre stage. the issues i've been experiencing recently concerning understimulation and overthinking are an extension of working to actively think as little as possible before. there was a time i wanted to have a clear, empty head / mind, and while the desire is valid, what i didn't realize was depriving my mind of stimulation would encourage it to seek out its own. it's also a matter of distinguishing automatic from directed thought, as well as the aforementioned anxious rumination feeding itself. impost(o/e)r syndrome as well. a specific thought from walking home from work last night was that i kind of feel like i'm smarter than i realize. at the same time, i can confidently state that i'm situationally dumb as a post, and it's all relative. oh, and when it comes to anxiety, as the common denominator in alot of what's been going on lately? being the one solely responsible for my feelings at the end of all other reasoning, i bring it on myself. external circumstances may feel responsible, but as the one responding to stimulus, the responsibility lies with me
now i'm starting to lose the plot in terms of where i was going, but one other thought from last night that still bears mentioning is that all of this is indicative of one thing that's very important to bear in mind: i have it really good. like, that these are the things that consume my awareness, and that i obsess over, i have nothing better to worry about, and that's a huge sign of being in a privileged position. i need a good healthy verbal dose of "i have it really good" as i look around and really appreciate all of what i have that's working for me in life
i also need to get up and clean, because it's one minute to five o'clock now, and i want to tidy up basically everywhere before Mom comes for movie night. i was up 'til probably close to five in the morning laying in bed with the window open, listening to the rain / wind blowing outside. slept for a couple hours, spent some time early in the morning working on Youtube stuff, ate a healthy-sized breakfast, took a nap, woke up when the eclipse was starting, took pictures / recorded video, came back inside when normal daylight started to resume, and felt the urge to write this entry to try and capture what's been on my mind for the past little while
it's kind of been a ramble, but really good as well
now, cleaning...
it doesn't matter whether i actually am or not. as something that came along basically out of the blue and proceeded to flood my existence, it's been the topic lately, but i'm into the part now where it feels like it's doing me more harm than good. as an umbrella term, and something i could ascribe all my perceived differences to, it served a purpose, but outside of that, it's not ever going to be official. i would need to want to pursue an official diagnosis in order for that to happen. i would need to have access to the service, and be willing to cover the couple-thousand-dollar cost in order to be given a professional, roundly-informed opinion, and as confident as i sometimes feel, theirs could still be "no, you aren't"
fittingly-slash-go-figure, as soon as i came to that acceptance, and turned that corner, something new asserted itself. complex post-traumatic stress disorder. my current theory is that Ash's death is the main event prior to spiritual awakening that precipitated alot of where i'm at now. times with her were good, when they were good, but they also weren't so great. work was a source of considerable stress back then, i had no healthy / established coping mechanisms in order to deal with those feelings, and she was there. it's not okay, but it is what it is as of now as well. we could get into it, but not right now
before Ash, there was being with Jen. all of that is a bunch of weight and complex emotions / feelings that - as of now - i believe i'll carry for the rest of my life. even to just imagine writing her a letter at some point in the future is impossible. there's too much. and that's just on the surface level. sure, negativity bias plays a part, and i believe there are genuine good memories mixed in with the more emotionally charged ones, but being together was a defining experience, and left its mark either way
before that, there were any of the times i was friends with someone, but in a fake, contrived way. i didn't know who i was, and it was difficult to form relationships with others in real life, so i turned to the internet, where i could put on a mask, and be who / whatever i felt like i needed to be relative to the situation. but i went too hard. the facade i put on in any of those cases was built on misplaced hope and positive intent, and, inevitably, i could only fake it so long before i ran out of energy to pretend, i dropped off the face of the Earth unto the other half of the relationship, and went through a period of working to bury my feelings in time and distance, and existential battery recharging
prior to that, there isn't anything that stands out in the same way. schoolyard antics - a classmate remarking that he was going to burn his Bugs Bunny t-shirt at home, because i was wearing the same one, and the cootie shot thing that was done in reference to me - but kids are dumb. possible connection between seeing Mom in tears after the washer / dryer wrecked a favorite shirt of hers when i was really young, and my attachment to soft / fuzzy / nicely-textured materials. side-eye to the fabric issue that cleaved the relationship Jen and i had nearly in two...
it is what it is, i guess? it's both funny and fitting that one thing led to another with hardly a break between the two, but i'm on board with wherever we go from here
in a related way, it's really starting to hit home, and become an internalized thing that i experience anxiety with such frequency that i've become normalized to it. the particular significance of that lately is that life has been less and less stimulating lately, both at home and at work. that's not so much an issue at home, because i'm in my comfortable space here, and there isn't too much that induces anxiety. work is the opposite, however. anxiety, and stress are the norm there, and as i've recently come to learn the hard way, in absence of stimulation, the mind will find ways to occupy itself. anxiety is a particularly potent source of mind fuel, in that it feeds on itself. numerically, one anxiety plus another leads to two. two multiply on themselves, and lead to four. four lead to eight, to sixteen, thirty-two, and it continues to exponentiate out from there
the past five shifts at work have all been their own sort of rough for that reason, in that i've really been stressing over things in my head. they've been the first five back from time off. transitioning from one type of general existential energy to the other has come with some grinding of gears, and all i've been thinking about is how little i have it together - how aimless / pointless my existence feels - how much of a disadvantage i'm at for the fact i prefer to keep to myself, and find it difficult to vibe with others. i want to do the best i can at work, but i don't care beyond that, and i imagine how i'd be judged / perceived if other staff at Sobeys (particularly those in the grocery department) actually knew how aimless and self-assured i am. or at least that's how i feel
the reality is i chose to be like this. i'm coasting because i chose to drop back and trust life to take me where i need to go. i'm aimless at work because i prefer to keep to myself, and it's easy / sensible to assume that the less outgoing and more standoffish i am, the less favorably i am to be thought of by others, which, from my slanted perspective is fine, because i know where i'm coming from, and intent is the important part of the thing. i'm aimless in life because i want to be happy with what i have from the start. to step to the side, and let cosmic cause and effect take centre stage. the issues i've been experiencing recently concerning understimulation and overthinking are an extension of working to actively think as little as possible before. there was a time i wanted to have a clear, empty head / mind, and while the desire is valid, what i didn't realize was depriving my mind of stimulation would encourage it to seek out its own. it's also a matter of distinguishing automatic from directed thought, as well as the aforementioned anxious rumination feeding itself. impost(o/e)r syndrome as well. a specific thought from walking home from work last night was that i kind of feel like i'm smarter than i realize. at the same time, i can confidently state that i'm situationally dumb as a post, and it's all relative. oh, and when it comes to anxiety, as the common denominator in alot of what's been going on lately? being the one solely responsible for my feelings at the end of all other reasoning, i bring it on myself. external circumstances may feel responsible, but as the one responding to stimulus, the responsibility lies with me
now i'm starting to lose the plot in terms of where i was going, but one other thought from last night that still bears mentioning is that all of this is indicative of one thing that's very important to bear in mind: i have it really good. like, that these are the things that consume my awareness, and that i obsess over, i have nothing better to worry about, and that's a huge sign of being in a privileged position. i need a good healthy verbal dose of "i have it really good" as i look around and really appreciate all of what i have that's working for me in life
i also need to get up and clean, because it's one minute to five o'clock now, and i want to tidy up basically everywhere before Mom comes for movie night. i was up 'til probably close to five in the morning laying in bed with the window open, listening to the rain / wind blowing outside. slept for a couple hours, spent some time early in the morning working on Youtube stuff, ate a healthy-sized breakfast, took a nap, woke up when the eclipse was starting, took pictures / recorded video, came back inside when normal daylight started to resume, and felt the urge to write this entry to try and capture what's been on my mind for the past little while
it's kind of been a ramble, but really good as well
now, cleaning...