Ex-Donya
Every day I am tired. I complain that I am tired. My feet hurt. My brain stops working. My back kriks. I've only been working full time for less than a year and a half but every day I am tired.
Every day I am also thankful. Thankful that I live and work in a place where there is no traffic and lots of nature. Thankful that my children are growing up in a beautiful and safe environment. The life I live is tiring because it is busy, and meaningful. It is often difficult but I take pride in that because it means I'm doing something not a lot of people can do. The people I work with are the best teachers in the South (not kidding) and I take a lot of inspiration from that. More importantly, they are kind, lovely, hilarious, and generous. I am thankful for my home, my work, and the people I work with.
They drive me crazy, but I am thankful for my students as well. For the bright ones who get it, even the stuff I didn't teach directly. For the ones who are better this year than last year. And for the ones who regularly make me want to tear my hair out, because sometimes I catch them listening, and learning, despite their best efforts. It's rare, but when it happens, the tiredness melts away.
This morning a co-teacher mentioned how lucky I was to be a donya (travel, etc.). I mournfully said I'm no longer a donya. No more traveling any time of year, lunching with friends on weekdays, or being uber active in the PTC activities of my kids in school. "Hindi na 'ko donya," I said, "alipin na ako ngayon." We both laughed and went to our classes.
What I failed to mention was that being a teacher has given me greater freedom than being a stay-at-home mom ever has. I feel secure about my ability to help support and raise my children. I am valued for my contributions in school, professionally, and personally. I feel more equal to my husband (although he never made me feel unequal, it was me, and being brought up to value working and earning a living.) I feel more confident, more worthy of my blessings, able to do more with my life everyday. More free.
I will never regret my donya days. Leisurely spending hour upon hour caring for my children as infants, and being there for every milestone. Traveling extensively, and exploring skills and hobbies I would never have had the time to do otherwise (interior design, event management, calligraphy, chinese painting, jazz dance, etc etc etc.). I loved being a donya. I miss it sometimes. No, I miss it everyday! When I am tired and my feet are sad and ache-y. And in the mornings, when i have to wake up. Because mornings are my nemesis and my natural state of being is at rest.
But I also know this is where I'm supposed to be. The tiredness and the early mornings are par for the course of my blessings. I am tired because my days are full. Full of things to be thankful for.
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17