Letter to Concubine
There was a Youngblood article two days ago that caught my attention. The title was Concubine. And this paragraph in particular struck me:
This sounds defensive, but women in this kind of relationship are not gullible idiots who were lured by honeyed tongues and romantic pursuits. We have considered the situation. We have been through a lot of brain work and given the matter a lot of thought. We are not blind. We see the picture from every angle. We are both our own prosecutor and defendant. We have not lost our minds. And we are not crazy women who abandon all logic and allow our emotions to take over. We think a lot and we feel deeply. We listen to sound advice, but in the end, we always follow whatever we think is good for us. Hard-headed, yes, but we are not idiots. We have actually met the persons we can connect with on a cosmic level. So stop the judgment and give us a little credit for braving the odds.
I've always done my best to be a compassionate person. I do my best not to judge, and often have to consciously remind myself that people are people, and it is impossible to know the whole story of why a person does things that the rest of the world might thing is stupid or wrong. I do this because at the time in my life when I could have been judged and rejected, I was treated with empathy and love, and I believe that all people deserve this from other people. If we all just tried to understand each other rather than judge each other, then certainly the world would be a better place.
And I've been mulling over your article for two days, thinking. Thinking. First thought: Stupid. You claim not to be crazy, and yet there you are tearing yourself apart. You are clearly in love. Being in love has clinically been proven to be a form of Crazy. And you say you've thought about it, you've weighed the pros and cons, you know the consequences. And yet you go for it. Isn't that stupid? Isn't that crazy? Thing is, I can forgive stupid and crazy. I've been there, done that. But I admitted it, did what I could to rectify it, pay my dues, suffer the consequences, to heal, and move on. What I can't understand is the hard-headed part. If you know that what you're doing is making you feel bad and guilty, why keep doing it?
Second thought: What if it were me? What if, when I met Mike, he had a child, and could not make me the number one priority in his life? What if I loved him as much as I did and still do, but knew that all he could offer me was a conditional relationship? One where I am welcome to his life except for certain significant parts which will always be more important than me? Would I still be his girlfriend? Would I choose love?
Honest answer: Probably not. Because really, I value myself too much. But you never know. When I met Mike, I knew he was THE ONE. It's moot, really. Because obviously he was free to love me. And yes, I don't know what it's like to love someone who has a child. I don't know what it's like to be in love with someone who is married. Or even someone whose family finds me unacceptable. I know this happens a lot, and not necessarily to evil seductresses. In a way I wish I knew you, Concubine, and maybe if I knew you I would understand why women choose to be in "unorthodox relationships" that essentially make you feel more alone. But I really don't get it because I can't imagine myself doing it. Not even as a matter of right or wrong, but as a matter of "following whatever I think is good for me".
For the record, I do know is what it's like to be helplessly, madly in love with someone who did not have the capacity to make me the number one priority in his life. Maybe he loved me enough to make me his lover. He hinted of it enough. But he would never have valued me in the way I believe I deserved. He never would have put me ahead of everything else. I knew this because I'm smart, like you. I wasn't blind, like you. But I chose to walk away.
It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. It's right up there with giving birth. I didn't stop loving him right away, that took many months, even more than a year and lots of different personal processes. To think, as deep as our connection was, we never had a "real" relationship, and I never allowed him to know my true feelings. But I got there. I got over him. And you know what? I'm glad I walked away because I made myself free to meet and be with someone who was able, willing and EAGER to share his whole life with me. He is a better man than I could ever imagine for myself and I am his top priority, his partner in life, his wife. Not some dirty little secret. Not a concubine.
So, Carrie, I don't know who you are, or why you choose the path you're in. But I hope you know that you have a choice. You can do better. You deserve to be happy ALL THE TIME and you can do that for yourself.
This sounds defensive, but women in this kind of relationship are not gullible idiots who were lured by honeyed tongues and romantic pursuits. We have considered the situation. We have been through a lot of brain work and given the matter a lot of thought. We are not blind. We see the picture from every angle. We are both our own prosecutor and defendant. We have not lost our minds. And we are not crazy women who abandon all logic and allow our emotions to take over. We think a lot and we feel deeply. We listen to sound advice, but in the end, we always follow whatever we think is good for us. Hard-headed, yes, but we are not idiots. We have actually met the persons we can connect with on a cosmic level. So stop the judgment and give us a little credit for braving the odds.
I've always done my best to be a compassionate person. I do my best not to judge, and often have to consciously remind myself that people are people, and it is impossible to know the whole story of why a person does things that the rest of the world might thing is stupid or wrong. I do this because at the time in my life when I could have been judged and rejected, I was treated with empathy and love, and I believe that all people deserve this from other people. If we all just tried to understand each other rather than judge each other, then certainly the world would be a better place.
And I've been mulling over your article for two days, thinking. Thinking. First thought: Stupid. You claim not to be crazy, and yet there you are tearing yourself apart. You are clearly in love. Being in love has clinically been proven to be a form of Crazy. And you say you've thought about it, you've weighed the pros and cons, you know the consequences. And yet you go for it. Isn't that stupid? Isn't that crazy? Thing is, I can forgive stupid and crazy. I've been there, done that. But I admitted it, did what I could to rectify it, pay my dues, suffer the consequences, to heal, and move on. What I can't understand is the hard-headed part. If you know that what you're doing is making you feel bad and guilty, why keep doing it?
Second thought: What if it were me? What if, when I met Mike, he had a child, and could not make me the number one priority in his life? What if I loved him as much as I did and still do, but knew that all he could offer me was a conditional relationship? One where I am welcome to his life except for certain significant parts which will always be more important than me? Would I still be his girlfriend? Would I choose love?
Honest answer: Probably not. Because really, I value myself too much. But you never know. When I met Mike, I knew he was THE ONE. It's moot, really. Because obviously he was free to love me. And yes, I don't know what it's like to love someone who has a child. I don't know what it's like to be in love with someone who is married. Or even someone whose family finds me unacceptable. I know this happens a lot, and not necessarily to evil seductresses. In a way I wish I knew you, Concubine, and maybe if I knew you I would understand why women choose to be in "unorthodox relationships" that essentially make you feel more alone. But I really don't get it because I can't imagine myself doing it. Not even as a matter of right or wrong, but as a matter of "following whatever I think is good for me".
For the record, I do know is what it's like to be helplessly, madly in love with someone who did not have the capacity to make me the number one priority in his life. Maybe he loved me enough to make me his lover. He hinted of it enough. But he would never have valued me in the way I believe I deserved. He never would have put me ahead of everything else. I knew this because I'm smart, like you. I wasn't blind, like you. But I chose to walk away.
It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. It's right up there with giving birth. I didn't stop loving him right away, that took many months, even more than a year and lots of different personal processes. To think, as deep as our connection was, we never had a "real" relationship, and I never allowed him to know my true feelings. But I got there. I got over him. And you know what? I'm glad I walked away because I made myself free to meet and be with someone who was able, willing and EAGER to share his whole life with me. He is a better man than I could ever imagine for myself and I am his top priority, his partner in life, his wife. Not some dirty little secret. Not a concubine.
So, Carrie, I don't know who you are, or why you choose the path you're in. But I hope you know that you have a choice. You can do better. You deserve to be happy ALL THE TIME and you can do that for yourself.