Relationship Lessons from Murder Mysteries
Congratulations R and C! I'm so happy you're engaged! I told Mike, "Engaged na sila! Never na silang magbe-break so wala nang siraan ng buhay." Sabi ni Mike, "Or..." I finished his sentence "Siraan ng buhay starts now."
Hahaha!
Wala na, we're an old married couple. No more romantic illusions about marriage as a happily ever after.
* * *
In high school I used to read Perry Mason books by Erle Stanley Gardner. I can barely remember any of those stories but one character stuck to me to this day. A woman found out that her husband is having an affair. And instead of going in a rage and demanding a divorce, she focuses all her energies into being the best and perfect wife and then hired someone to make the mistress' life miserable through a series of seemingly unfortunate accidents. A flat tire here, a late bill there, her goal was to make the mistress always so stressed and irritable that whenever the husband is with the other woman, he will be as irritated. And when the husband comes home to the wife, she is always perfectly dressed, relaxed and loving. It worked too. Why stay with a mistress that's no fun to be with if you have a beautiful wife at home? And then I think someone killed the husband. I can't remember what the murder mystery was all about. But I never forgot what that woman did.
I always thought it was incredibly clever how she handled the situation that applied it to my own philosophy as a girlfriend before, and as a wife now. Not that I've ever had to make anyone's life miserable, thank God, but that the way to make your husband always spend time with you is to make sure time spent with you is fun.
For example, he has a barkada he enjoys spending time with, and you don't really enjoy joining these outings because they're all guys. And you notice that he's spending a lot of time with them and little time with you. This probably means he's having a lot of fun with his friends. If you fight with him about his barkada, then you are being no fun at all, and that will just lead him to spend even more time away from you. Because who likes to hang out with a girl who gives you shit about having a good time? If you want him to spend more time with you, then make sure you are MORE FUN than his barkada. More fun than anything or anyone else. What ever "more fun" translates to is up to you. But surely you have more to offer than a night of drunken name-calling. Plus if you ask him about his friends and take an interest in them, he will enjoy telling you about what he does when he's with them. And it's better to know what he's up to and who he spends time with than to be kept in the dark.
Another example, say you want him to call or text you more often. Or he was supposed to text you but forgot. And then he remembers and calls, and by then you're so angry at him that you rag at him about not texting or calling. I have to admit I was like this with my first boyfriend in college. And I didn't like the person I was at the time. Later on I realized, if every time he calls me, I'm angry at him for not calling more, he will likely call me less and less. Why call a girl who's just going to fight with you. Now, whenever Mike calls, especially when it's for no special reason, I make sure I have something funny or interesting to say. I try to make him laugh so that he associates calling me as an enjoyable experience. I tell him something funny Lia said or something I saw on Ellen, or if nothing is happening, I make something up. This is why he often calls me when he's stressed. I make him laugh and he feels better. There are days, of course when he doesn't call at all. But when this happens I know it's because he's just too busy. Or his phone is dead. So I make myself busy too. Mami-miss din ako nun at maiinis lang siya kung kulitin ko siya. True enough, my husband calls me almost every single day. Whether he's out of town or not.
My favorite example has to do with the overused scene on many local commercials and movies. The man sneaks into the house late at night, obviously drunk and disheveled, and the wife, in daster and hair curlers starts hurling plates and pans at him. "Saan ka na naman nanggaling? Umaga ka na umuwi!" This for me, is the worst way to make your husband come home early. Who wants to come home to flying crockery? It's the perfect way to make sure he never wants to come home. Mike comes home really late every so often. In fact, most Saturdays are spent out with his friends playing Magic the Gathering. I never EVER give him trouble for that. I understand why he needs to do it, and they're not doing anything wrong. More often than not, I'm asleep by the time he arrives. The next morning I ask him how his night went. And because he knows I'm not against his Magic playing, he asks me first if we have Saturday night plans before meeting with his friends, he makes up for it by spending time with me and the girls on Saturday afternoons. And lately, his friends have been coming over to our house on Saturdays to play Magic here. Which, for me, is the best possible scenario. He gets to play, AND he's here at home. Everyone happy.
Our friends are amazed at how Mike and I never fight. Well, here's a peek at one of the reasons why. I don't like fighting, and would rather minimize the circumstances which might bring about a fight. After all, we're in this marriage for the long haul. We might as well have fun while we're at it.
Oh and I suppose this can serve as a warning to any would be mistresses out there. You better think twice. I've been reading murder mysteries since childhood. Hahaha!
Hahaha!
Wala na, we're an old married couple. No more romantic illusions about marriage as a happily ever after.
* * *
In high school I used to read Perry Mason books by Erle Stanley Gardner. I can barely remember any of those stories but one character stuck to me to this day. A woman found out that her husband is having an affair. And instead of going in a rage and demanding a divorce, she focuses all her energies into being the best and perfect wife and then hired someone to make the mistress' life miserable through a series of seemingly unfortunate accidents. A flat tire here, a late bill there, her goal was to make the mistress always so stressed and irritable that whenever the husband is with the other woman, he will be as irritated. And when the husband comes home to the wife, she is always perfectly dressed, relaxed and loving. It worked too. Why stay with a mistress that's no fun to be with if you have a beautiful wife at home? And then I think someone killed the husband. I can't remember what the murder mystery was all about. But I never forgot what that woman did.
I always thought it was incredibly clever how she handled the situation that applied it to my own philosophy as a girlfriend before, and as a wife now. Not that I've ever had to make anyone's life miserable, thank God, but that the way to make your husband always spend time with you is to make sure time spent with you is fun.
For example, he has a barkada he enjoys spending time with, and you don't really enjoy joining these outings because they're all guys. And you notice that he's spending a lot of time with them and little time with you. This probably means he's having a lot of fun with his friends. If you fight with him about his barkada, then you are being no fun at all, and that will just lead him to spend even more time away from you. Because who likes to hang out with a girl who gives you shit about having a good time? If you want him to spend more time with you, then make sure you are MORE FUN than his barkada. More fun than anything or anyone else. What ever "more fun" translates to is up to you. But surely you have more to offer than a night of drunken name-calling. Plus if you ask him about his friends and take an interest in them, he will enjoy telling you about what he does when he's with them. And it's better to know what he's up to and who he spends time with than to be kept in the dark.
Another example, say you want him to call or text you more often. Or he was supposed to text you but forgot. And then he remembers and calls, and by then you're so angry at him that you rag at him about not texting or calling. I have to admit I was like this with my first boyfriend in college. And I didn't like the person I was at the time. Later on I realized, if every time he calls me, I'm angry at him for not calling more, he will likely call me less and less. Why call a girl who's just going to fight with you. Now, whenever Mike calls, especially when it's for no special reason, I make sure I have something funny or interesting to say. I try to make him laugh so that he associates calling me as an enjoyable experience. I tell him something funny Lia said or something I saw on Ellen, or if nothing is happening, I make something up. This is why he often calls me when he's stressed. I make him laugh and he feels better. There are days, of course when he doesn't call at all. But when this happens I know it's because he's just too busy. Or his phone is dead. So I make myself busy too. Mami-miss din ako nun at maiinis lang siya kung kulitin ko siya. True enough, my husband calls me almost every single day. Whether he's out of town or not.
My favorite example has to do with the overused scene on many local commercials and movies. The man sneaks into the house late at night, obviously drunk and disheveled, and the wife, in daster and hair curlers starts hurling plates and pans at him. "Saan ka na naman nanggaling? Umaga ka na umuwi!" This for me, is the worst way to make your husband come home early. Who wants to come home to flying crockery? It's the perfect way to make sure he never wants to come home. Mike comes home really late every so often. In fact, most Saturdays are spent out with his friends playing Magic the Gathering. I never EVER give him trouble for that. I understand why he needs to do it, and they're not doing anything wrong. More often than not, I'm asleep by the time he arrives. The next morning I ask him how his night went. And because he knows I'm not against his Magic playing, he asks me first if we have Saturday night plans before meeting with his friends, he makes up for it by spending time with me and the girls on Saturday afternoons. And lately, his friends have been coming over to our house on Saturdays to play Magic here. Which, for me, is the best possible scenario. He gets to play, AND he's here at home. Everyone happy.
Our friends are amazed at how Mike and I never fight. Well, here's a peek at one of the reasons why. I don't like fighting, and would rather minimize the circumstances which might bring about a fight. After all, we're in this marriage for the long haul. We might as well have fun while we're at it.
Oh and I suppose this can serve as a warning to any would be mistresses out there. You better think twice. I've been reading murder mysteries since childhood. Hahaha!