The True Meaning
Christmas has always been a big deal to me. I just never knew how big a deal until it was almost taken away.
Back story: If you've been reading the news, you'd know that there was a kidnapping in Basilan last September. Espie and Milet are both part of a network that Mike works with in doing development work in Zamboanga, Basilan, Sulu and Tawi-tawi. When it became apparent that they cannot be rescued without paying a ransom and knowing that their families cannot afford the amount being demanded, Mike came to me with what he wanted to do. He asked me if it was ok if instead of giving gifts this Christmas, can we donate the money we would have spent as our contribution to the ransom.
At first I couldn't understand. Why did we have to give up Christmas in order to donate? Can't we donate AND just give cheaper gifts for Christmas or something. Mike said we can't really afford both. And when he said that I just had to hide. And think. And cry. The crying surprised me. Because this mean Christmas meant more to me than I thought.
On one hand, I sympathize completely with Espie and Milet's plight. For one thing, I actually know Milet. I worked with her when I was still in Human Rights. We even traveled to Cambodia together. I was included in the seminar by her recommendation. For another thing, I was assigned in Zamboanga when I was a JVP and have been to Basilan. The area and the people hold a special place in my heart. Plus I know first hand the poverty and marginalization they face. When I tell people my husband is doing development work in Sulu, they ask me why I let him, given the danger involved. I always say I'm proud of what he does and I would do the same if I could. Espie and Milet were doing what I couldn't and they were abducted by the very people they were trying to help. Of course I wanted to do what I could so that they could be freed.
But the image, the vision that came to mind, was celebrating Christmas this year with my family and having no gifts to give any of them. That was what made me cry. Christmas is and was the one time of the year I get to show my loved ones that I love them, I appreciate them, I think about them and what they might like. I live for that wide-eyed wow! look on their faces when they open the gift I thought long and hard about and see that they love it. Not only that, I've been Christmas shopping literally for as long as I can remember. Even before I was given a regular allowance, my mom gave me a Christmas gift budget and encourage me to get my relatives gifts, be it a pen, or a tiny post it pad, or a toothbrush, little pre-school me distributed gifts at Christmas which I chose and bought myself. No matter what, I saved and shopped for Christmas every year. Even when I was a JVP and I had very little money, I lived on corned beef and bread for months just so I can still give gifts on Christmas.
It made me feel even worse to imagine receiving presents this Christmas and not being able to give them anything! What can I say when, say, a cousin, still in school, gives me a gift I know he probably saved for just like I used to? "Wow, thanks for the bag. Um, I donated money in your name for the ransom of our friend." I was sobbing by then, and berating myself. ANG BABAW MO NAMAN! Here are two brave strong women, languishing in God knows how awful conditions and you're crying over shopping and gifts? It's not like my family relies on my presents every year! I often give them stuff they don't actually need. In fact, my relatives don't really want for anything. We're happy and close and together. Which was, at the time, more than I could say about our kidnapped friends. In terms of what is the right thing to do, it is very very clear.
And then I looked back at all the expenses we had in the past year and wished them all away. If only we didn't book our Macau trip back in May, if only we didn't anymore go to Subic, or buy those sheets, or those clothes, or toys or shoes, if only didn't spend on any of these things, we would be able to afford giving to the ransom AND buying gifts as well. I would have been more than willing to give up a weekend vacation abroad to help free Milet and Espie. But we've spent that money already, it's all paid for. And Mike has been working so hard, he really deserves the break.
I tried to get over my feelings before telling Mike about them but when I did finally sum up the courage to open up about it, I still cried anyway. And he held me and quietly listened and after that he said, if it's going to be a problem, then go ahead and buy gifts. Bottom line is, this is something we have to want to do.
For all those tears, I knew that it is something that I do want to do. It might be hard for Christmas to be different this year. But it won't be gone. We'll still get to decorate the house with a tree and last year's ornaments. We can always just buy our parol next year (or after Christmas when they're on sale). And there will still be Christmas Mass and Noche Buena and Christmas Day with our relatives. I remember when I was a kid and I asked, if it's Jesus' birthday, how come we give gifts to each other and not Him? Perhaps helping others is precisely the kind of gift Jesus would love to receive on His birthday. To give so much it hurts, just like He did for us.
Soon after our discussion, Espie was released, her ransom advanced by an anonymous development foundation. But they have to recover the money quickly or else they wouldn't be able to move forward with crucial projects. So even if the immediate urgency is over, the money is still very much needed. (*note: we know what foundation did this, so we know they can't really afford the advance they made. we're just not allowed to tell anyone because they could get in trouble with their auditors and funders and they have to raise the amount as fast as possible.)
I emailed my family about our plan, and we invited them to donate what they would spend on gifts for us to the same cause. I think they understood. While we were in Macau, Milet was freed. The crisis is over, but the repercussions are about to begin. Knowing now that even development workers can be kidnapped for ransom in Basilan, funders are going to be even less likely to give development grants in the area.
Right now I'm happy with our decision, that I was able to make it, and get over it, even if it took a while. I just feel so blessed and lucky that my family is all together and safe and healthy and well, it seems such a small thing now, to give that Christmas money as a thanksgiving offering for all the blessings of the past year. I'm even finding the whole "not Christmas shopping" experience rather liberating. On any other year I would feel pressured to complete that rather lengthy list but not so this year and it actually feels a bit good. We'll just have to see how I feel on Christmas day when I have nothing to give and how I will feel then.
Back story: If you've been reading the news, you'd know that there was a kidnapping in Basilan last September. Espie and Milet are both part of a network that Mike works with in doing development work in Zamboanga, Basilan, Sulu and Tawi-tawi. When it became apparent that they cannot be rescued without paying a ransom and knowing that their families cannot afford the amount being demanded, Mike came to me with what he wanted to do. He asked me if it was ok if instead of giving gifts this Christmas, can we donate the money we would have spent as our contribution to the ransom.
At first I couldn't understand. Why did we have to give up Christmas in order to donate? Can't we donate AND just give cheaper gifts for Christmas or something. Mike said we can't really afford both. And when he said that I just had to hide. And think. And cry. The crying surprised me. Because this mean Christmas meant more to me than I thought.
On one hand, I sympathize completely with Espie and Milet's plight. For one thing, I actually know Milet. I worked with her when I was still in Human Rights. We even traveled to Cambodia together. I was included in the seminar by her recommendation. For another thing, I was assigned in Zamboanga when I was a JVP and have been to Basilan. The area and the people hold a special place in my heart. Plus I know first hand the poverty and marginalization they face. When I tell people my husband is doing development work in Sulu, they ask me why I let him, given the danger involved. I always say I'm proud of what he does and I would do the same if I could. Espie and Milet were doing what I couldn't and they were abducted by the very people they were trying to help. Of course I wanted to do what I could so that they could be freed.
But the image, the vision that came to mind, was celebrating Christmas this year with my family and having no gifts to give any of them. That was what made me cry. Christmas is and was the one time of the year I get to show my loved ones that I love them, I appreciate them, I think about them and what they might like. I live for that wide-eyed wow! look on their faces when they open the gift I thought long and hard about and see that they love it. Not only that, I've been Christmas shopping literally for as long as I can remember. Even before I was given a regular allowance, my mom gave me a Christmas gift budget and encourage me to get my relatives gifts, be it a pen, or a tiny post it pad, or a toothbrush, little pre-school me distributed gifts at Christmas which I chose and bought myself. No matter what, I saved and shopped for Christmas every year. Even when I was a JVP and I had very little money, I lived on corned beef and bread for months just so I can still give gifts on Christmas.
It made me feel even worse to imagine receiving presents this Christmas and not being able to give them anything! What can I say when, say, a cousin, still in school, gives me a gift I know he probably saved for just like I used to? "Wow, thanks for the bag. Um, I donated money in your name for the ransom of our friend." I was sobbing by then, and berating myself. ANG BABAW MO NAMAN! Here are two brave strong women, languishing in God knows how awful conditions and you're crying over shopping and gifts? It's not like my family relies on my presents every year! I often give them stuff they don't actually need. In fact, my relatives don't really want for anything. We're happy and close and together. Which was, at the time, more than I could say about our kidnapped friends. In terms of what is the right thing to do, it is very very clear.
And then I looked back at all the expenses we had in the past year and wished them all away. If only we didn't book our Macau trip back in May, if only we didn't anymore go to Subic, or buy those sheets, or those clothes, or toys or shoes, if only didn't spend on any of these things, we would be able to afford giving to the ransom AND buying gifts as well. I would have been more than willing to give up a weekend vacation abroad to help free Milet and Espie. But we've spent that money already, it's all paid for. And Mike has been working so hard, he really deserves the break.
I tried to get over my feelings before telling Mike about them but when I did finally sum up the courage to open up about it, I still cried anyway. And he held me and quietly listened and after that he said, if it's going to be a problem, then go ahead and buy gifts. Bottom line is, this is something we have to want to do.
For all those tears, I knew that it is something that I do want to do. It might be hard for Christmas to be different this year. But it won't be gone. We'll still get to decorate the house with a tree and last year's ornaments. We can always just buy our parol next year (or after Christmas when they're on sale). And there will still be Christmas Mass and Noche Buena and Christmas Day with our relatives. I remember when I was a kid and I asked, if it's Jesus' birthday, how come we give gifts to each other and not Him? Perhaps helping others is precisely the kind of gift Jesus would love to receive on His birthday. To give so much it hurts, just like He did for us.
Soon after our discussion, Espie was released, her ransom advanced by an anonymous development foundation. But they have to recover the money quickly or else they wouldn't be able to move forward with crucial projects. So even if the immediate urgency is over, the money is still very much needed. (*note: we know what foundation did this, so we know they can't really afford the advance they made. we're just not allowed to tell anyone because they could get in trouble with their auditors and funders and they have to raise the amount as fast as possible.)
I emailed my family about our plan, and we invited them to donate what they would spend on gifts for us to the same cause. I think they understood. While we were in Macau, Milet was freed. The crisis is over, but the repercussions are about to begin. Knowing now that even development workers can be kidnapped for ransom in Basilan, funders are going to be even less likely to give development grants in the area.
Right now I'm happy with our decision, that I was able to make it, and get over it, even if it took a while. I just feel so blessed and lucky that my family is all together and safe and healthy and well, it seems such a small thing now, to give that Christmas money as a thanksgiving offering for all the blessings of the past year. I'm even finding the whole "not Christmas shopping" experience rather liberating. On any other year I would feel pressured to complete that rather lengthy list but not so this year and it actually feels a bit good. We'll just have to see how I feel on Christmas day when I have nothing to give and how I will feel then.