(no subject)
Im feeling weird and triggered.
I had such a strange day yesterday, and given other circumstances, it made me feel so odd.
Ive finally left my job but i dont feel free. I just feel afraid that i wont be able to support myself. My job was (reluctantly) relatively understanding about my mental health issues that prevented me from working 5 days and from being on time all the time and made me take mental health days. Im worried that because im not expendable in my new job, ill have to take more responsibility for these things and alsonthat ill have to re-explain my mental health issues to someone. I will be making much less money and i cant find a new apartment that i can afford and its stressing me out. Ill also now need to figure out how to pay for health insurance and transportation.
I feel like having a dog as a companion would help. When i had Ilsa during a trying time in my life, she made it worth living. She made me get out of bed. But i keep trying to adopt and it keeps not goong through. Its starting to break my heart. And the other setbacks of having a dog live in an apartment, not being home enough, the worry of not having it in me to give it the care it needs when im feeling down, and the cost of it all and also surprise vet issues are all making me feel discouraged.
Chris sometimes seems like he has finally realized what he had but then he pushes me away. I cant give him all of my attention because I tried to move on before he realized this and i cant keep disrespecting alex like that. His solution has been to actually move to Transylvania in a month.
Alex and i feel rocky. Im not feeling sexual towards him and i dont feel any passion. He is trying to be patient and understanding and accomodating with me but that makes me feel pressured too. I feel like im someone hes taking care of instead of a romantic partner. It doesnt feel equal. I cant give him what he needs and that makes me feel guilty. He says hes fine with it and always asks how to help. Trying to figure out what i need and why and also figuring out how to communicate that is exhausting. I feel like im in therapy every time we have conversations about it and it drains me so much. I wanted it to be less pressure and more casual and we both jumped into it all so hard and fast. I feel like im carlys replacement but i cant be a stand in for something that took 8 years to build. I wanted to be non monogamous but that changed when i slept with chris because it hurt alex. But now i feel like we are both stuck. Ive tried to talk about it or end things and i just end up feeling like even more of an asshole. Hes so kind and giving and i end up feeling like ive broken him and i just cant do that. Im also so alone without him. Painfully.
I think we maybe glorified how good our communication was. Or it just all got fucked up since i told him how i felt about chris and those feelings and the complications from them caused our first bad communication at the christmas party. Last night alex came over to pick me up to go to a show and we had a bad argument about things. I was feeling weird about some things and it made me communicste badly.
1) he kissed someone. Im fine with it and want that to be an okay thing that we do. But i felt like our conversation about being open again was never finalized and also i knew it happened because he wasnt acting like himself and hadnt contacted me like normal.
2) we had plans and he did them without me on the pretense of me not answering a text about perfume the day before. This seems weird to me and makes me feel left out and like i wasnt wanted in the first place. He tells me its because he is trying to be respectful of my space and he thought i wanted to be alone because i told him in a separate conversation thst i dont like a relationship to mean texting 24/7 or being with each other every day of the week. His reasoning makes sense sort of? But it feels like now hes using my mental illness as a scapegoat for when he doesnt actually want to do something. To me it seems like common sense that if you had plans with me theyd still be on unless i directly expressed otherwise?
3) he did coke. It made me confused. Why would someone who seems so strongly against having that be a part of their life again so easily decide to do it one night? It made me feel like the bullshit i am putting him through drove him to it and now hes in a precarious spot on the edge of a cliff. I tried to tell him how that made me feel given my past with drugs and all of the pain it has caused me and people who have died and lauren etc. But i used the wrong words and he took it as me shaming him and got very defensive and used our harm reduction trainer as an example out of context. I dont want to shame him and i dont want that to make him feel like he cant tell me things but i dont know how else to communicate how doing those things have a negative effect on my psyche.
Im feeling a lot of guilt in this relationship and im starting to feel like my downfalls are being used against me to win arguments as well as certain political standpoints that are being taken out of context.
I didnt go to the show. I laid on the couch overcome and overwhelmed with a strong feeling of loss and how it is a theme for me the past few years but also right right now. I keep losing friends and pets and comforts and the sense of family and sanity and partners and jobs and security and people are dying who are young and dont need to from drugs and suicide and family members are dying from being old. Im stuck in a hole and i dont feel like trying to climb out because theres just more holes all around it and being in a hole is an inevitable future.
I got myself into bed to do nothing but on a deeper level and i found out ben dasilva hung himself. I didnt know how to react. It still doesnt feel real. How did i feel this sense of loss before it happened? I contacted other people who were a part of my life when he was. It brought me to a dark spot. I dont like how it feels to revisit my past self. I went back into my old hole.