woe is me

[in_your_arms11]

i feel like people always tell me it's so easy to ask for help
it's so easy to reach out.

i've never had anyone i can truly depend on. the closest is my parents.
most of the time when i am the most sad i feel the most truly alone.
i feel like i am reaching out by screaming
making things very obvious with words and action and behaviour

i honestly think that its not that im not making myself clear,
it is clear to me that i must push through these things alone.
i am my only support i will ever truly have.
it is up to me only.
that is really fucking scary.

today i was thinking about the lies i have told myself about why i cant be loved
i have always told myself these lies and i still do
i think one thing i always think about is that my emotional state will never be fixed though maybe it will slowly progress over time
it will always be a burden for someone who loves me.
to love me is to be burdened by my needs and repulsions.

i wonder if that will ever go away?