No, I won't wait forever
I tried to just go to bed without doing this emo post, but a part of myself wouldn't allow for it. So as a fair warning, it's all the same rehashed whining I've done before.
Tonight I got the opportunity to spend an evening with Adam and Skylar (sans Steven). It was nice. We had pizza, beer and movies (how very "guy" of us). For reference, we saw Blades of Glory - which I found myself enjoying more than I had expected; and Marie Antoinette - Adam seemed to really like it... at least the period costuming and the soundtrack.
Once the visual entertainment finished, we got to conversing. It was mainly about love, sex and relationships. I didn't actively participate much in it - as I didn't have all that much to add. But in listening, I found that despite all the problems that can arise from being partnered, I would gladly take them over the pain of being lonely.
Adam said that I should take this time to just be me. I value his words as a friend and because there is some validity to them, but I don't want to just be me right now. I've been myself and with just myself for all but 6 months of my life. It's because I don't have anyone to be with that I think I have a lot of self-worth issues and a somewhat cynical outlook on life.
I have lots of love to give and it kills me that I don't have anyone to share it with. I hate that putting up a profile on a site gets me mostly propositions for sex. I don't want that. It's probably a crazy notion, but I don't regard sex as the Holy Grail that I once did. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual with anyone before having the opportunity to get to know them better as a person. If in the off chance I do get a message from someone genuinely interested in something more, they're either not local to me, or as in the case of a date I had on Thursday night; I'm not interested in them.
Yes, I had a "date" on Thursday. I don't even consider it a date anyway, it was just an impromptu meeting for coffee. It was with this older gent from Marana. He was really nice, but upon meeting him in person, he didn't at all strike me as someone I could physically see myself with. He seemed to be taken by me and wants to have a second date, but from that first meeting, I didn't feel anything at all. I should've mentioned something then and there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it at the time.
Anyway... the reason for this emo post is because I don't see anything coming for me in the near future. Even my most promising prospect in Phoenix is uncertain - if not just because distance, but because there's still too much respective baggage to sort out.
Will something come my way? Is this horrible emptiness that I feel the last throes of forced solitude before something good comes? I sure as hell hope so.
Tonight I got the opportunity to spend an evening with Adam and Skylar (sans Steven). It was nice. We had pizza, beer and movies (how very "guy" of us). For reference, we saw Blades of Glory - which I found myself enjoying more than I had expected; and Marie Antoinette - Adam seemed to really like it... at least the period costuming and the soundtrack.
Once the visual entertainment finished, we got to conversing. It was mainly about love, sex and relationships. I didn't actively participate much in it - as I didn't have all that much to add. But in listening, I found that despite all the problems that can arise from being partnered, I would gladly take them over the pain of being lonely.
Adam said that I should take this time to just be me. I value his words as a friend and because there is some validity to them, but I don't want to just be me right now. I've been myself and with just myself for all but 6 months of my life. It's because I don't have anyone to be with that I think I have a lot of self-worth issues and a somewhat cynical outlook on life.
I have lots of love to give and it kills me that I don't have anyone to share it with. I hate that putting up a profile on a site gets me mostly propositions for sex. I don't want that. It's probably a crazy notion, but I don't regard sex as the Holy Grail that I once did. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual with anyone before having the opportunity to get to know them better as a person. If in the off chance I do get a message from someone genuinely interested in something more, they're either not local to me, or as in the case of a date I had on Thursday night; I'm not interested in them.
Yes, I had a "date" on Thursday. I don't even consider it a date anyway, it was just an impromptu meeting for coffee. It was with this older gent from Marana. He was really nice, but upon meeting him in person, he didn't at all strike me as someone I could physically see myself with. He seemed to be taken by me and wants to have a second date, but from that first meeting, I didn't feel anything at all. I should've mentioned something then and there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it at the time.
Anyway... the reason for this emo post is because I don't see anything coming for me in the near future. Even my most promising prospect in Phoenix is uncertain - if not just because distance, but because there's still too much respective baggage to sort out.
Will something come my way? Is this horrible emptiness that I feel the last throes of forced solitude before something good comes? I sure as hell hope so.