lost
So I've gotten myself into yet another sticky situation. Surprise. A few of you already know the story, so feel free to bypass this entry, but I need somewhere to clear my head. Also, if you're sick of me bitching, keep moving.
The long and short of this is I don't know how to do this.
Back in December, my sister thought it would be a great idea to play matchmaker with a co-worker of hers and myself. She hypothetically proposed the idea to him, and, because he had a girlfriend, thought if anything were to come of it it would be a new friend for me. Sure, her original intentions were to hook the two of us up, but once she found out he had a girlfriend that lives with him, it was more like a "wouldn't that be cool" kind of thing. So one night I went down to the bar across the street to hang out with my sister and her friends after work, and he was there. I went over and said hi, and he and I ended up talking for a while. It was a nice conversation, mainly about my friend Amanda. He was interested in getting back into politics. He had a bachelor's from Wayne State in Public Affairs with a minor in Economics, so he's got the background for it. Apparently he had been involved with some level of politics before and was interested in exploring getting back into it. It just so happens that one of my really good friends just moved to DC and works in politics. So, at the end of the night we exchanged numbers and I said I'd call him when I found out when she was coming home for Christmas. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, and then one day, out of the blue, he sent me a text. For the rest of that week we sent texts back and forth, pretty much going over the "getting to know you" stuff with a healthy dose of flirting. Fast forward to the week between Christmas and NYE. He had hinted before about wanting to hang out one night, and I kept changing the subject. If it didn't involve Amanda and politics it was going to seem too much like a date, and I couldn't do that with someone who has a girlfriend. We decided, after some scheduling conflicts, that the three of us were going to meet up after he got out of work on Saturday, the day before NYE. I knew he was serving that night at the restaurant, so I told Amanda to be prepared to not go out until later. What I wasn't prepared for was for him to not call at all. And not only did he not call that night, the first time I've spoken to him since then was this past Friday. I was unsure how to act on Friday, but fortunately I didn't see him much during the event. I did, however, see him at the bar after. He pulled me aside and sincerely apologized for blowing us off, and his excuse was that he "got cold feet" and was sure there was "definitely going to be some great chemistry between he and I" and he just couldn't do it. I told him "Well, its been 2 weeks, and thats a really long time to go without an explanation" and he acknowledged it and apologized again. Then comes yesterday. He texted me on the way to my parents to say a quick hello, and offered for me to text him on my way home. This is when the shit hit. So we started talking, as usual, about random things. Then the conversation got more serious about what we were looking for, the chemistry between us, and family matters. He started getting a little overly flirty and I finally told him that if he were looking to cheat on his girlfriend, and it looks like he was, that he better keep looking because it wasn't going to be with me; I draw the line there. He then said that he would never cheat, and then something else I don't really remember. Then I finally asked him about his girlfriend, and what the problem was, because there had to be one if he was talking to me. Which, by the way, makes me feel completely used. He starts talking about how essentially, shes not what he's looking for anymore, and he keeps talking to me for "piece of mind". To which I inquired about of course, because what the hell does that mean. Apparently it means that he's floored that I would even give him the time of day, and with his girlfriend being gone for weeks at a time she could very well be cheating on him, and some days he's just not sure she's into him anymore, but that I'm not just a back up or something. I retorted back with "Awesome, so I'm just the girl who makes you feel better about yourself. That's great." He quickly responded "Whoa, no not at all. I think you're beautiful, intelligent, and basically everything I'm looking for in a woman, and I would definitely leave my girlfriend for you, but that's a really serious decision." I agreed with this, and thanked him for the compliments, but I still didn't know what to say. His next comment was something about how he didn't want things between us to get too serious too quickly, thats all. I then shot back that I didn't want anything between us while he still had a girlfriend, and that maybe once he had decided to leave her, that we could discuss how serious things could get. He then asked if we could still talk and maybe hang out sometime. At the time I thought this was a ridiculous request, but I conceded and told him that we could talk every once in a while. And that was that.
On one hand I'm very proud of myself for finally sticking up for my run over heart. Every other time I've kicked it out in front of the firing squad and was shocked when it came back with battle wounds. This time I finally was proactive and said what I needed to say. Logically, I think I was right. I have been lied to, abandoned, and cheated on more times than I care to admit and I absolutely refuse to participate in doing that to someone else. He may not like her anymore, but he at least needs to respect what relationship they have left and talk to her about it. Some days I know it seems like my morals went out with the trash, but I draw the line there. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain and distrust of the world on anyone.
On the other hand I'm worried that I'm blowing this completely out of proportion, and that because I've been out of the dating loop for so long that maybe this is how things are done now. Sometimes you just have to be vindictive, because not everyone is as nice and thoughtful as I hope they are. Maybe it's not being vindictive, maybe it's about going after what you want. Hell I don't know. I have a friend, who shall remain nameless, that sort of went through this exact thing, but he or she was in the guy I'm talking about's shoes. But when they were going through it, it didn't seem so wrong. They just talked to the other person and realized that they liked them a lot more than the person they were with, and broke up. Hell, I think I even helped it a little. Yet still, I don't know how to do this.
I did leave the door open for us to talk again, but I did say once in a while. Would I be hypocritical if I wanted to be friends? I feel like I've firmly taken a stance, and my position and my character would be questioned if I backed down. I'm afraid he wouldn't take any of my convictions or opinions seriously if I back down from this. I like that most people see me as a stubborn, headstrong, sharp-tounged woman who doesn't take shit from people. I feel like this would fall to pieces, and I'm not okay with that. As my father says, I put on the "don't fuck with me, hard ass, I'll kick your ass" attitude, just like my mother.
For the first time, I'm honestly lost. Most of the time when I say that, I actually do know what I should do, I just don't like it. This time it's for real. I don't know how to do this.
The long and short of this is I don't know how to do this.
Back in December, my sister thought it would be a great idea to play matchmaker with a co-worker of hers and myself. She hypothetically proposed the idea to him, and, because he had a girlfriend, thought if anything were to come of it it would be a new friend for me. Sure, her original intentions were to hook the two of us up, but once she found out he had a girlfriend that lives with him, it was more like a "wouldn't that be cool" kind of thing. So one night I went down to the bar across the street to hang out with my sister and her friends after work, and he was there. I went over and said hi, and he and I ended up talking for a while. It was a nice conversation, mainly about my friend Amanda. He was interested in getting back into politics. He had a bachelor's from Wayne State in Public Affairs with a minor in Economics, so he's got the background for it. Apparently he had been involved with some level of politics before and was interested in exploring getting back into it. It just so happens that one of my really good friends just moved to DC and works in politics. So, at the end of the night we exchanged numbers and I said I'd call him when I found out when she was coming home for Christmas. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, and then one day, out of the blue, he sent me a text. For the rest of that week we sent texts back and forth, pretty much going over the "getting to know you" stuff with a healthy dose of flirting. Fast forward to the week between Christmas and NYE. He had hinted before about wanting to hang out one night, and I kept changing the subject. If it didn't involve Amanda and politics it was going to seem too much like a date, and I couldn't do that with someone who has a girlfriend. We decided, after some scheduling conflicts, that the three of us were going to meet up after he got out of work on Saturday, the day before NYE. I knew he was serving that night at the restaurant, so I told Amanda to be prepared to not go out until later. What I wasn't prepared for was for him to not call at all. And not only did he not call that night, the first time I've spoken to him since then was this past Friday. I was unsure how to act on Friday, but fortunately I didn't see him much during the event. I did, however, see him at the bar after. He pulled me aside and sincerely apologized for blowing us off, and his excuse was that he "got cold feet" and was sure there was "definitely going to be some great chemistry between he and I" and he just couldn't do it. I told him "Well, its been 2 weeks, and thats a really long time to go without an explanation" and he acknowledged it and apologized again. Then comes yesterday. He texted me on the way to my parents to say a quick hello, and offered for me to text him on my way home. This is when the shit hit. So we started talking, as usual, about random things. Then the conversation got more serious about what we were looking for, the chemistry between us, and family matters. He started getting a little overly flirty and I finally told him that if he were looking to cheat on his girlfriend, and it looks like he was, that he better keep looking because it wasn't going to be with me; I draw the line there. He then said that he would never cheat, and then something else I don't really remember. Then I finally asked him about his girlfriend, and what the problem was, because there had to be one if he was talking to me. Which, by the way, makes me feel completely used. He starts talking about how essentially, shes not what he's looking for anymore, and he keeps talking to me for "piece of mind". To which I inquired about of course, because what the hell does that mean. Apparently it means that he's floored that I would even give him the time of day, and with his girlfriend being gone for weeks at a time she could very well be cheating on him, and some days he's just not sure she's into him anymore, but that I'm not just a back up or something. I retorted back with "Awesome, so I'm just the girl who makes you feel better about yourself. That's great." He quickly responded "Whoa, no not at all. I think you're beautiful, intelligent, and basically everything I'm looking for in a woman, and I would definitely leave my girlfriend for you, but that's a really serious decision." I agreed with this, and thanked him for the compliments, but I still didn't know what to say. His next comment was something about how he didn't want things between us to get too serious too quickly, thats all. I then shot back that I didn't want anything between us while he still had a girlfriend, and that maybe once he had decided to leave her, that we could discuss how serious things could get. He then asked if we could still talk and maybe hang out sometime. At the time I thought this was a ridiculous request, but I conceded and told him that we could talk every once in a while. And that was that.
On one hand I'm very proud of myself for finally sticking up for my run over heart. Every other time I've kicked it out in front of the firing squad and was shocked when it came back with battle wounds. This time I finally was proactive and said what I needed to say. Logically, I think I was right. I have been lied to, abandoned, and cheated on more times than I care to admit and I absolutely refuse to participate in doing that to someone else. He may not like her anymore, but he at least needs to respect what relationship they have left and talk to her about it. Some days I know it seems like my morals went out with the trash, but I draw the line there. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain and distrust of the world on anyone.
On the other hand I'm worried that I'm blowing this completely out of proportion, and that because I've been out of the dating loop for so long that maybe this is how things are done now. Sometimes you just have to be vindictive, because not everyone is as nice and thoughtful as I hope they are. Maybe it's not being vindictive, maybe it's about going after what you want. Hell I don't know. I have a friend, who shall remain nameless, that sort of went through this exact thing, but he or she was in the guy I'm talking about's shoes. But when they were going through it, it didn't seem so wrong. They just talked to the other person and realized that they liked them a lot more than the person they were with, and broke up. Hell, I think I even helped it a little. Yet still, I don't know how to do this.
I did leave the door open for us to talk again, but I did say once in a while. Would I be hypocritical if I wanted to be friends? I feel like I've firmly taken a stance, and my position and my character would be questioned if I backed down. I'm afraid he wouldn't take any of my convictions or opinions seriously if I back down from this. I like that most people see me as a stubborn, headstrong, sharp-tounged woman who doesn't take shit from people. I feel like this would fall to pieces, and I'm not okay with that. As my father says, I put on the "don't fuck with me, hard ass, I'll kick your ass" attitude, just like my mother.
For the first time, I'm honestly lost. Most of the time when I say that, I actually do know what I should do, I just don't like it. This time it's for real. I don't know how to do this.