(no subject)
We have a new cat and she's very talkative. Her name is Zena as in, like, the warrior princess. holler. I have also gone from having a very good week to a very bad week and then again a very good week and..one more time, a very bad week. Adam seemed to think that I was under the influence of E at Lacey's birthday party and proceeded to flip out accordingly on our way home at 10:30pm So upset yet, I know that I will need to have ample amounts of patience for this to work. The fluctuation is continuous and more often than not find myself eagerly awaiting his return from work. I still dont know what is wrong with our relationship. I feel like I am not giving him my whole soul as i vowed to on our wedding day. I fear to play mind games with him, but I believe I am slowly digging my heels in fast and with one swift shift i will be sent careening into an oblivion too horrible to even imagine. And then i stop and think, will it be horrible, or will it be for the best? But how long do I wait? How much more support do I give at the risk of being labelled manipulative and distrustful. It just feels so much like the wavelengths we run are similarly polarized magnets, contantly struggling with all our might, yet forcing in opposing directions away. Now i have a headache. I know the answer to the problem, I just don't want to face the reprecussions of my actions. I need to be honest and open and share my thoughts. If we can survive this once again we may have a chance, but i see things ending or continuing quite badly either way. And all I really care about is the image of us that Addison sees. I want to protect him from the cruelties that abound in the world today. A divorce rate of over 60% in my own age category being one of the most tormenting. I just want to have him be able to understand the struggles a married couple goes through and realise that just because society places such a critical viewpoint on anything non-white picket fence related, doesn't mean that there is no less of a reason to do what it takes to find his own inner happiness. My struggles surpassed my expectations of any tribulations we would ever encounter however I can't help but include the wasteful feeling of guilt that bubbles in the pit of my stomach and heart. To breathe a word of this to Adam or what I have recently done without truthfulness to him, would no doubt be the ruin of my relationship as I know it. The thought alone causes the acid in my stomach to rise. I am not strong enough to handle this at all. I need guidance. I need wisdom. I need a fortune teller. An astrology book...ANYTHING. I am slipping, losing grip, falling...falling....fallling......................
*gasp*
What Have I Done??