I Do What I Must
Title: I Do What I Must
Author: in_motu_proprio
Pairing: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Rating: Hard R/NC-17
Warnings: depression, anxiety, one sided, office sex, oral sex, massage
Summary: Takes place right after the episode FZZZT! after the scene in Phil’s office where May asks him to open his shirt and they talk about his scar.
“You feel different because you are different.” May’s fingers laid against Phil’s chest, eyes locked with his. “A wise man once told me that it takes time.” His lips quirked up into that boyish smile that he couldn’t shake no matter how old he got. May hadn’t seen it in awhile and it did her heart good to see it even now when he was so distraught.
“How do you do it?” His voice was soft and sort of gravely. May turned back and closed the door, flipping the lock. The rest of the plane could piss off for awhile, Coulson needed a damn break from the puppies. Between Simmons jumping out of the damn plane and Ward going after her, Phil had to have a hell of a headache and a lot of paperwork in front of him. Not to mention the direct order he’d disobeyed. He would get his ass chewed out for that and she could see it all weighing on him by the furrow between his eyes.
“Sit down.” Phil’s brow raised and Melinda returned the gesture before pointing at his desk chair. Phil held out for a little while, holding her gaze, but eventually Melinda won and he sat. It gave her the right height for what he needed. Melinda slipped off her jacket to give her a little more flexibility and looked to Coulson. “Take yours off.” Again, Phil gave her that look, but he humored her because of their past, and probably because he was curious. That curiosity could be his downfall if he kept poking and continued to pull stunts like taking an extra physical. “Tie, too.” Her tone was forceful, yet her voice was quiet. Phil once told her he loved that about her. He sighed and loosened his tie before slipping it off.
“Shirt next?” He was joking, but May nodded. “What are you…” Melinda shook her head and put her finger to her lips. Coulson rolled his eyes, but followed her directions. He knew May didnt steer him wrong and sometimes knew him better than he knew herself. It was easier for him to simply let her have her way than to fight with her. May was glad he wasn’t fighting. She wouldn’t want to have to pin him down. “Here.” She held out her hands and undid his cufflinks, opening the cuff and then closing the clasp so they didn’t get lost when he pulled the shirt off. It left him in just his sleeveless white undershirt. Leave it to Phil to have an undershirt that looked like it had been ironed and starched ten minutes ago.
“Melinda, what are you doing?” Her hands came to rest on his shoulders and Phil looked up at her from where he sat, having to tilt back a little. He looked younger this way, innocent almost if she didn’t know what he’d seen and done in the name of S.H.I.E.L.D.
“You look like your head’s about to explode.” She used a bit kinder tone this time, more sympathetic. He shrugged and she gave him a smack on the shoulder. “Don’t lie to me.”
“Fine, yeah, I have a Stark-sized headache.” He got that tiny quirk of a smile out of her at that before her hands came to his shoulders. She didn’t say anything before she dug her thumbs in and started to work some of the knots out of the base of his neck. Phil was quiet until she found his perpetual knot. It sat just to the left of his right shoulder blade about two hands below his shoulder. She knew it well. Melinda May and the perpetual knot in Phil’s neck were mortal enemies.
“This is going to hurt.” Phil clenched up, but she waited until he relaxed a little to dig her thumb into the muscle and attempt to relieve some of the tension. Phil’s breaths picked up and the pulse in the side of his neck raced as the pain intensified. Melinda starved the muscle of blood, forcing it to release little by little. She knew from experience that it hurt like a bitch but she also knew that it would feel better after. Phil let out a little grunt then a tiny inhale when she let go. The man had been trained to endure much worse, but he was already pretty vulnerable and she was a safe person. May knew what she was to Phil and cherished the fact that they could still be as close as they were even after all these years, not to mention the divorce. How many people could stay friends with their exes?
May’s strong hands continued to dig into Phil’s muscles, working over his neck and shoulders before working up into his hairline. He was a little self-conscious of his hair, but May knew that and was careful. Besides, a good scalp rub was always appreciated by one Phillip J. Coulson. Her fingers curled into the soft, fine hair at the nape of his neck. That got a little groan from him. Their silence outside of Phil’s little noises was what let things like this continue between them. “Tilt.” May gently pushed his head forward so she could really work her thumbs up under the base of his skull. That got a legitimate groan out of him. May considered it a big win. Phil had to be pretty relaxed to actually groan aloud.
She continued until he started to fidget a little then brought her fingers up around the bottom of his skull right behind his ears. She trailed her fingers gently to the strong tendons along the sides of his neck before working up and over his temples, then off the top of his head with a gentle tug of his hair. May continued, finding all those muscles over his skull that were tenser than they needed to be.
Eventually she felt what she knew she would, his hand touching her thigh. May suppressed the breath she wanted to take in because no matter how much time had passed, May still had feelings for him and every time they were intimate like this she got those same deep rolls of nausea in the pit of her stomach that made her want to run. It wasn’t fair. He had moved on, found Audrey and whomever else had come between May and the cellist, but May had struggled. She’d never been able to be terribly open since Bahrain. There was Ward, but he was a puppy. Granted he was an enthusiastic puppy, but she didn’t love him.
May didn’t make him say it, didn’t make him ask. Instead she circled around in front of him, watching him push back a little to give her room. Melinda’s fingers caressed his cheek, running her fingers over the stubble, her fingertips making a small rasp in his near silent office. “Just let me.” He opened his mouth and she shook her head. Phil closed it and held her gaze. Kissing could be too intimate for her, so she didn’t do it.. It made her think of how they were at first and that was dangerous ground. Instead May sunk down on her knees in front of him, pushing Phil’s legs open even more to allow her between. Her fingers made quick work of his belt and pants, leaving them open in front of her. He wore pale blue boxers that were all bunched up around his groin.
May's thumb ran over his cock through the fabric, checking to see where he was. Right in the middle. Good. That meant the massage hadn’t really been sexual for him, then. It was pretty common for a man to get at least a little hard when they were enjoying a massage. Granted she wasn’t working on his thighs or lower back, but still that kind of touch had clearly gotten Phil started. She leaned forward, opening her mouth to wrap around him through the fabric. His fingers curled on her shoulder at that, and she could hear his breathing speed. May's nose ran along the waistband of his boxers now and again and the scent of him was visceral. It put her back in that broom closet at The Hub the last time they’d done this. May could feel herself reacting but squashed it because this was about him, not about her. No matter what they did, she was always the one in charge. She was always the one who gave and never got. Melinda did not trust herself when it came to relationships, especially when it came to one with Phil.
His fingers moved up to stroke her hair. Even that was almost too much for her. May was not good at emotions and Phil made her feel things that compromised her. They overtook parts of her that she needed to be a good agent. At least that was one of the reasons she’d given him all those years ago. She pulled herself out of melancholy and refocused. Her hand worked up and down, pulling the waistband lower each time. She got him comfortable, pulling his boxers and pants down to his knees and letting them drop from there. He didn’t need to be able to walk, all he needed to do was sit there. Phil leaned back a little when her mouth ran over his thigh, letting out a hiss of breath. Slow, Melinda told herself. The idea was to exhaust him and then put him to bed. He needed to sleep far more than he needed to do paperwork or field calls.
Her mouth wrapped around the head of his cock, sucking lightly while her hand gave him a few slow strokes. She could feel the tension already building across his thighs. That was good. Melinda looked up at him through her lashes as she made a tight O with her lips and popped on and off the head of his cock with a filthy sound that made his cock jump in her hand. Phil’s fingers tightened in her hair as Melinda turned her head and ran her lips up and down the side of his cock. Up one side, over the head for awhile, then down the other. She was relentless, building him up but not giving him enough. She knew that he was close to breaking when his hips started getting into the action. He’d been rolling them a little before, but now they were lifting up off of the seat as she moved over his cock, trying to get the stimulation he needed to finish.
“Melinda.” She was glad her face was tilted down because she could close her eyes to hide how much his voice around her name effected her. Right now she felt the syllables etching into her bones. His voice holding her name downright hurt sometimes, but it was one indulgence May allowed herself. She just nodded and moved into some focused attention to the head of Phil’s cock. She was giving him as much stimulation as she could since he sounded like it was getting almost painful from the teasing. A hand on his shaft, pumping faster and faster coupled with her mouth on his cock had him making this soft panting noise that went right through her. Once she added her second hand to his balls, Phil was done for. His hips arched up off the chair soon after her fingers gave his balls a slow tug away from his body. She squeezed, thumb rubbing between them as her mouth moved with unrelenting focus on his cock.
His taste grew stronger and she knew that it was seconds from happening. Phil tried to tell her, but she cut him off with a squeeze to the balls. Then there were no words, it was all inarticulate groaning. Phil kept his volume low, but he had always been a bit vocal. It wasn’t just the typical guy grunts and that final ‘uhhhhhh’. Phil got breathless and groaned this sort of growl. Sometimes there was a soft whine if she really drug things out and she had him terribly sensitive. Today she was rewarded with that sound as he finished in her mouth. May had zero issue with swallowing and did so without spilling a drop of him. She wiped her thumb over her lips when he was finished, making sure she was clean before getting to her feet.
“Up.” Phil followed her instructions and stood, letting her help him out of his shoes so he could leave his pants behind the desk. She did pull up his boxers then urged him toward his hidden bed. May tossed his pillows down and pulled back the blankets. Phil opened his mouth to argue now that he was a little more with-it, but May shut him down with a look. He had no fight left in him for today so Phil just got into bed and let her pull the blanket up. She smoothed a hand over his hair in a tender gesture before heading out of his office, trying really hard not to think about climbing into bed next to him. No, instead she went down to the cargo area, found Ward, and drug him to the belly of the plane.
She wondered sometimes if the man had figured out yet that every time May came to him for relief, it was Phil who’d been the catalyst. It really didn’t matter when she had him leaning against a wall while she used the overhead braces to help her ride him hard until she’d worked out a few of her demons. Ward was really just a means to an end, a breathing sex toy. When Ward finished, it was with that ‘uhhhhh’ that was so common among the men she’d known. Melinda rolled her eyes and climbed off of him. She pulled her pants back on and headed for the door before he’d even had the condom off. She had no need to speak to him, nor did she have any desire to. This was what it was, just a fuck. All she wanted to do was lay down and pretend the ache between her thighs was Phil’s.
Author: in_motu_proprio
Pairing: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Rating: Hard R/NC-17
Warnings: depression, anxiety, one sided, office sex, oral sex, massage
Summary: Takes place right after the episode FZZZT! after the scene in Phil’s office where May asks him to open his shirt and they talk about his scar.
“You feel different because you are different.” May’s fingers laid against Phil’s chest, eyes locked with his. “A wise man once told me that it takes time.” His lips quirked up into that boyish smile that he couldn’t shake no matter how old he got. May hadn’t seen it in awhile and it did her heart good to see it even now when he was so distraught.
“How do you do it?” His voice was soft and sort of gravely. May turned back and closed the door, flipping the lock. The rest of the plane could piss off for awhile, Coulson needed a damn break from the puppies. Between Simmons jumping out of the damn plane and Ward going after her, Phil had to have a hell of a headache and a lot of paperwork in front of him. Not to mention the direct order he’d disobeyed. He would get his ass chewed out for that and she could see it all weighing on him by the furrow between his eyes.
“Sit down.” Phil’s brow raised and Melinda returned the gesture before pointing at his desk chair. Phil held out for a little while, holding her gaze, but eventually Melinda won and he sat. It gave her the right height for what he needed. Melinda slipped off her jacket to give her a little more flexibility and looked to Coulson. “Take yours off.” Again, Phil gave her that look, but he humored her because of their past, and probably because he was curious. That curiosity could be his downfall if he kept poking and continued to pull stunts like taking an extra physical. “Tie, too.” Her tone was forceful, yet her voice was quiet. Phil once told her he loved that about her. He sighed and loosened his tie before slipping it off.
“Shirt next?” He was joking, but May nodded. “What are you…” Melinda shook her head and put her finger to her lips. Coulson rolled his eyes, but followed her directions. He knew May didnt steer him wrong and sometimes knew him better than he knew herself. It was easier for him to simply let her have her way than to fight with her. May was glad he wasn’t fighting. She wouldn’t want to have to pin him down. “Here.” She held out her hands and undid his cufflinks, opening the cuff and then closing the clasp so they didn’t get lost when he pulled the shirt off. It left him in just his sleeveless white undershirt. Leave it to Phil to have an undershirt that looked like it had been ironed and starched ten minutes ago.
“Melinda, what are you doing?” Her hands came to rest on his shoulders and Phil looked up at her from where he sat, having to tilt back a little. He looked younger this way, innocent almost if she didn’t know what he’d seen and done in the name of S.H.I.E.L.D.
“You look like your head’s about to explode.” She used a bit kinder tone this time, more sympathetic. He shrugged and she gave him a smack on the shoulder. “Don’t lie to me.”
“Fine, yeah, I have a Stark-sized headache.” He got that tiny quirk of a smile out of her at that before her hands came to his shoulders. She didn’t say anything before she dug her thumbs in and started to work some of the knots out of the base of his neck. Phil was quiet until she found his perpetual knot. It sat just to the left of his right shoulder blade about two hands below his shoulder. She knew it well. Melinda May and the perpetual knot in Phil’s neck were mortal enemies.
“This is going to hurt.” Phil clenched up, but she waited until he relaxed a little to dig her thumb into the muscle and attempt to relieve some of the tension. Phil’s breaths picked up and the pulse in the side of his neck raced as the pain intensified. Melinda starved the muscle of blood, forcing it to release little by little. She knew from experience that it hurt like a bitch but she also knew that it would feel better after. Phil let out a little grunt then a tiny inhale when she let go. The man had been trained to endure much worse, but he was already pretty vulnerable and she was a safe person. May knew what she was to Phil and cherished the fact that they could still be as close as they were even after all these years, not to mention the divorce. How many people could stay friends with their exes?
May’s strong hands continued to dig into Phil’s muscles, working over his neck and shoulders before working up into his hairline. He was a little self-conscious of his hair, but May knew that and was careful. Besides, a good scalp rub was always appreciated by one Phillip J. Coulson. Her fingers curled into the soft, fine hair at the nape of his neck. That got a little groan from him. Their silence outside of Phil’s little noises was what let things like this continue between them. “Tilt.” May gently pushed his head forward so she could really work her thumbs up under the base of his skull. That got a legitimate groan out of him. May considered it a big win. Phil had to be pretty relaxed to actually groan aloud.
She continued until he started to fidget a little then brought her fingers up around the bottom of his skull right behind his ears. She trailed her fingers gently to the strong tendons along the sides of his neck before working up and over his temples, then off the top of his head with a gentle tug of his hair. May continued, finding all those muscles over his skull that were tenser than they needed to be.
Eventually she felt what she knew she would, his hand touching her thigh. May suppressed the breath she wanted to take in because no matter how much time had passed, May still had feelings for him and every time they were intimate like this she got those same deep rolls of nausea in the pit of her stomach that made her want to run. It wasn’t fair. He had moved on, found Audrey and whomever else had come between May and the cellist, but May had struggled. She’d never been able to be terribly open since Bahrain. There was Ward, but he was a puppy. Granted he was an enthusiastic puppy, but she didn’t love him.
May didn’t make him say it, didn’t make him ask. Instead she circled around in front of him, watching him push back a little to give her room. Melinda’s fingers caressed his cheek, running her fingers over the stubble, her fingertips making a small rasp in his near silent office. “Just let me.” He opened his mouth and she shook her head. Phil closed it and held her gaze. Kissing could be too intimate for her, so she didn’t do it.. It made her think of how they were at first and that was dangerous ground. Instead May sunk down on her knees in front of him, pushing Phil’s legs open even more to allow her between. Her fingers made quick work of his belt and pants, leaving them open in front of her. He wore pale blue boxers that were all bunched up around his groin.
May's thumb ran over his cock through the fabric, checking to see where he was. Right in the middle. Good. That meant the massage hadn’t really been sexual for him, then. It was pretty common for a man to get at least a little hard when they were enjoying a massage. Granted she wasn’t working on his thighs or lower back, but still that kind of touch had clearly gotten Phil started. She leaned forward, opening her mouth to wrap around him through the fabric. His fingers curled on her shoulder at that, and she could hear his breathing speed. May's nose ran along the waistband of his boxers now and again and the scent of him was visceral. It put her back in that broom closet at The Hub the last time they’d done this. May could feel herself reacting but squashed it because this was about him, not about her. No matter what they did, she was always the one in charge. She was always the one who gave and never got. Melinda did not trust herself when it came to relationships, especially when it came to one with Phil.
His fingers moved up to stroke her hair. Even that was almost too much for her. May was not good at emotions and Phil made her feel things that compromised her. They overtook parts of her that she needed to be a good agent. At least that was one of the reasons she’d given him all those years ago. She pulled herself out of melancholy and refocused. Her hand worked up and down, pulling the waistband lower each time. She got him comfortable, pulling his boxers and pants down to his knees and letting them drop from there. He didn’t need to be able to walk, all he needed to do was sit there. Phil leaned back a little when her mouth ran over his thigh, letting out a hiss of breath. Slow, Melinda told herself. The idea was to exhaust him and then put him to bed. He needed to sleep far more than he needed to do paperwork or field calls.
Her mouth wrapped around the head of his cock, sucking lightly while her hand gave him a few slow strokes. She could feel the tension already building across his thighs. That was good. Melinda looked up at him through her lashes as she made a tight O with her lips and popped on and off the head of his cock with a filthy sound that made his cock jump in her hand. Phil’s fingers tightened in her hair as Melinda turned her head and ran her lips up and down the side of his cock. Up one side, over the head for awhile, then down the other. She was relentless, building him up but not giving him enough. She knew that he was close to breaking when his hips started getting into the action. He’d been rolling them a little before, but now they were lifting up off of the seat as she moved over his cock, trying to get the stimulation he needed to finish.
“Melinda.” She was glad her face was tilted down because she could close her eyes to hide how much his voice around her name effected her. Right now she felt the syllables etching into her bones. His voice holding her name downright hurt sometimes, but it was one indulgence May allowed herself. She just nodded and moved into some focused attention to the head of Phil’s cock. She was giving him as much stimulation as she could since he sounded like it was getting almost painful from the teasing. A hand on his shaft, pumping faster and faster coupled with her mouth on his cock had him making this soft panting noise that went right through her. Once she added her second hand to his balls, Phil was done for. His hips arched up off the chair soon after her fingers gave his balls a slow tug away from his body. She squeezed, thumb rubbing between them as her mouth moved with unrelenting focus on his cock.
His taste grew stronger and she knew that it was seconds from happening. Phil tried to tell her, but she cut him off with a squeeze to the balls. Then there were no words, it was all inarticulate groaning. Phil kept his volume low, but he had always been a bit vocal. It wasn’t just the typical guy grunts and that final ‘uhhhhhh’. Phil got breathless and groaned this sort of growl. Sometimes there was a soft whine if she really drug things out and she had him terribly sensitive. Today she was rewarded with that sound as he finished in her mouth. May had zero issue with swallowing and did so without spilling a drop of him. She wiped her thumb over her lips when he was finished, making sure she was clean before getting to her feet.
“Up.” Phil followed her instructions and stood, letting her help him out of his shoes so he could leave his pants behind the desk. She did pull up his boxers then urged him toward his hidden bed. May tossed his pillows down and pulled back the blankets. Phil opened his mouth to argue now that he was a little more with-it, but May shut him down with a look. He had no fight left in him for today so Phil just got into bed and let her pull the blanket up. She smoothed a hand over his hair in a tender gesture before heading out of his office, trying really hard not to think about climbing into bed next to him. No, instead she went down to the cargo area, found Ward, and drug him to the belly of the plane.
She wondered sometimes if the man had figured out yet that every time May came to him for relief, it was Phil who’d been the catalyst. It really didn’t matter when she had him leaning against a wall while she used the overhead braces to help her ride him hard until she’d worked out a few of her demons. Ward was really just a means to an end, a breathing sex toy. When Ward finished, it was with that ‘uhhhhh’ that was so common among the men she’d known. Melinda rolled her eyes and climbed off of him. She pulled her pants back on and headed for the door before he’d even had the condom off. She had no need to speak to him, nor did she have any desire to. This was what it was, just a fuck. All she wanted to do was lay down and pretend the ache between her thighs was Phil’s.