"Splintered but focused" you're as good as gold
This morning was the worst morning... ever. I woke up and felt like shit. Then I got dressed anyways so I could go to school. Ran as fast as I could to the bus stop, but the bitchy bus driver kept GOING! I was running next to the fucking door, and she kept driving. It's not even her that pissed me off, but no single kid on the bus could say "wait, some short little freak is running to the bus! stop for her". Yeah, well dad gave me a ride to school. Then I got to school, and sat in advisory with my head down, then asked if I could go to the nurse's office. I stopped in the bathroom to wash my hands, and ended up throwing up. So I got to the nurses, napped in there for like, 40 minutes, got up and threw up again, then dad came and got me. So here I am. Back to where I started. No good. But I feel better. So I'll still go to the barn tonight.
Today was the first time I came home early from school since elementary school. And what a day to pick. it was a half day. I probably wouldn't have ended up hanging out with anyone after school anyways. It always just lingers in my mind though on half days. However, most of my friends have lives unlike me.
I feel awkward lately. Like, Today I can say I'm shitty because physically I'm sick. But other then that, I don't know how I'm feeling. I haven't been thinking about anyone or anything lately. It's okay in the sense that I've stopped thinking of how much of a failure I am, or the lack of friends I have (which hit me yesterday when I was making a christmas list. however I can't figure out if i should be depressed over the small amount or happy that I don't have to spend much money), or the fact that I'm generally a lonely kid, or the fact that I fight with my mom too much. Should I be happy that I'm not thinking about these things any more? Or depressed, because I'm also not thinking about the few friends I do have as much as I should, or the fact that I should try harder so I can do better in school, or the fact that I should excercise more because im losing weight, it should just go quicker, or the fact that I love my job now. Meh. Who knows. And it's so fucking odd. The other night I had a dream that I was in Allie's hospital room before they pulled the plug, and for some reason she was crying and turned to her mother and said "Hey mom, please tell all of my friends that I don't think anymore."
maybe I've just become numb for the time being.
I really do love my job though. I don't want to get a real job. The people at the barn are more like a family rather than co-workers. And it's strange. Because there's that distinctive group that I love. Spencey, Gilli, Steph, Lauren, Kate, Slater, Jamie, Sarge, and I like Grubbs, but I never see her much, and as much as I hate her, Christine is part of the group and can be okay sometimes. Those girls have all helped me through much more than they'll ever know. I can't wait till next show season. Honestly, show season is my favorite time of year now. All those nights of running around till 2 or 3 in the morning with all the kids from other barns. And me and spence "cleaning tack" when ever Ted and Caleb came around. Or that sleepover with Ted and Caleb and Jeremy and Brittany. Or at mass, STEVEN NAVA! hahahaha. Or dancing on the golf cart and trying to knock christine off. Even after Lauren did fall off and cracked her head open. Yeah. Crazy times. I can't wait till next show season. Plus, next show season, for half of it, I'll be able to drive! Which will always be good.
You're built from distractions so brilliantly dull.
<3amanda.
Today was the first time I came home early from school since elementary school. And what a day to pick. it was a half day. I probably wouldn't have ended up hanging out with anyone after school anyways. It always just lingers in my mind though on half days. However, most of my friends have lives unlike me.
I feel awkward lately. Like, Today I can say I'm shitty because physically I'm sick. But other then that, I don't know how I'm feeling. I haven't been thinking about anyone or anything lately. It's okay in the sense that I've stopped thinking of how much of a failure I am, or the lack of friends I have (which hit me yesterday when I was making a christmas list. however I can't figure out if i should be depressed over the small amount or happy that I don't have to spend much money), or the fact that I'm generally a lonely kid, or the fact that I fight with my mom too much. Should I be happy that I'm not thinking about these things any more? Or depressed, because I'm also not thinking about the few friends I do have as much as I should, or the fact that I should try harder so I can do better in school, or the fact that I should excercise more because im losing weight, it should just go quicker, or the fact that I love my job now. Meh. Who knows. And it's so fucking odd. The other night I had a dream that I was in Allie's hospital room before they pulled the plug, and for some reason she was crying and turned to her mother and said "Hey mom, please tell all of my friends that I don't think anymore."
maybe I've just become numb for the time being.
I really do love my job though. I don't want to get a real job. The people at the barn are more like a family rather than co-workers. And it's strange. Because there's that distinctive group that I love. Spencey, Gilli, Steph, Lauren, Kate, Slater, Jamie, Sarge, and I like Grubbs, but I never see her much, and as much as I hate her, Christine is part of the group and can be okay sometimes. Those girls have all helped me through much more than they'll ever know. I can't wait till next show season. Honestly, show season is my favorite time of year now. All those nights of running around till 2 or 3 in the morning with all the kids from other barns. And me and spence "cleaning tack" when ever Ted and Caleb came around. Or that sleepover with Ted and Caleb and Jeremy and Brittany. Or at mass, STEVEN NAVA! hahahaha. Or dancing on the golf cart and trying to knock christine off. Even after Lauren did fall off and cracked her head open. Yeah. Crazy times. I can't wait till next show season. Plus, next show season, for half of it, I'll be able to drive! Which will always be good.
You're built from distractions so brilliantly dull.
<3amanda.