had a thought today
idk...right now i feel kinda emotionally drained. what with moving and all and just being completely sad/pissed about a few things. so i felt like getting my thoughts all down on this thing. like ok my thought of the day was "am i one of those people who is meant to never have anyone." i know that sounds like a really self-loathing thing to say but im just tossin it out there becuz sometimes it feels like that. sometimes i feel like...idk like i should just give. seriously stop ever talking to girls as a whole, stop meeting them, stop trying, stop caring. the whole she bang...lol pardon the umm pun. anyways, im honestly pondering this. it will take a while to think about the whole thing and the consequences. and im overreacting clearly...lol...but its crossed my mind alot. girls are nothing but a problem. whats the point of having anybody if all u ever do is get hurt. and i see myself and what happens everytime i get hurt but caring too much and its like wtf is all this for. fuck em. they never give a shit in the end just like everyone else in this world. i mean its amazing how cold people are. and the ones who do care either dont show it or i piss em off becuz i never think anybody cares so i blow them off. i seriously need to work on something about myself. but i dont care to change really... why should i? so i can be happy. ill find happiness eventually. im fuckin 18 so whatever. im reminded of a line from Right Side Of The Bed by Atreyu: "Sometimes when you're holding on...you'll never see the light." and thats really fuckin true. i hold on to being hurt for too long and too hard. i wonder how many times my spite and mistrust for girls has gotten in the way of meeting someone great. idk. its time i stopped caring. but thats just bs becuz i cant. in fact isnt that what makes me endearing to people...why they think im so great in the first place. becuz i care more than the avg. person... so heres another thought. why is it that all the things that make me different and give people a reason to call me a "great guy" also the things that leave me alone and fuckin anti-social sometimes. i mean how the fuck did i get stuck with that. ive been pushed away so many times that now im starting to push people in general away. wow. i think the song that epitomizes me right now is Cradle by Mudvayne. u know i really do love that i found rock as a new favorite genre of music. it means so much more to me then rap or anything. when im pissed off and alone mudvayne is fuckin beautiful. the lyrics are just right and fit me but i love the hatred that chaz sings em with. becuz i feel that way too. i dont hate very many things in life. and in fact i think that having hate in ur life is a waste of time, yet i have the same strong emotions about things that these songs have. i think if i had the voice i would drop out of school and try and form a rock band. lol, did any of u ever think u would hear me say that. haha rookie biotches. oh another song that i really like when im sad is Something I Can Never Have by NIN and A Different Kind Of Pain by Cold. i am really excited about cold's new cd. YAY. anyways, u know whoever reads this prolly says to themself...well that the fuck this guy complains alot. but u know what...its not complaining. its just my thoughts. something i can share with people where others cant. how many of u think like this all the time but never voice it becuz ur too afraid. too afraid of what others will say or think. so dont pretend to think u can judge me. becuz u really cant. judgement means nothing. just a way for people to justify things that dont need justifying. well whatever, i feel a bit better after jotting this all down. last thought...this just hit me...maybe in the end im better off alone... idk something to think about. peace