the made livejournal so pretty
Went to this jazz school end of term party last night, and I had a really good time. I've been so happy latley, for no real particular reason, just everything felt good. Then at this party, I'm hanging out with jen,shaunette laura and val and these girls are just so beautiful and tiny. I'm became so overwhelmed in this feeling of being hideous and clumsy and all sorts of terrible things. I was trying so hard to have fun, but everytime I enjoyed myself a little voice was going well it doesn't matter if your enjoying this party, your still unattractive.
I can't decide if it's a feeling that everyone is looking at me and thinks " oh god, how unfortunate". Or if no one is looking at me at all. And which one is worse?
Maybe it's just this realization and fear that I'm really really average, okay, but never beautiful. That's like my secret wish to be considered beautiful, it shouldn't matter, but it does. If I wasn't so shallow I'd probably be a better, healthier person.
Really this isn't some self pity entry. I'm just trying shake off this feel, I want to go back to that euphoric blissful feeling I was having. I'm close too, I'm still happy maybe more reserved. I'm hoping to release this tension to have it outside my own mind I'll stop thinking about it.
I need to watch White Christmas and A Muppet Christmas Carol. It's not the holiday season until I see those two movie.
love
giz
I can't decide if it's a feeling that everyone is looking at me and thinks " oh god, how unfortunate". Or if no one is looking at me at all. And which one is worse?
Maybe it's just this realization and fear that I'm really really average, okay, but never beautiful. That's like my secret wish to be considered beautiful, it shouldn't matter, but it does. If I wasn't so shallow I'd probably be a better, healthier person.
Really this isn't some self pity entry. I'm just trying shake off this feel, I want to go back to that euphoric blissful feeling I was having. I'm close too, I'm still happy maybe more reserved. I'm hoping to release this tension to have it outside my own mind I'll stop thinking about it.
I need to watch White Christmas and A Muppet Christmas Carol. It's not the holiday season until I see those two movie.
love
giz