For you
I don't get how you can look at me and tell me you want to be in a relationship when I've told you I don't. How can you honestly expect good to come out of a one-sided relationship. I don't want you to hurt or get violent, but I'm so sick of going around in circles and for you to keep expecting me to be all these things to you that I'm not. I want to move on. I want to find other people and I want to be done with you and I'm sorry if that hurts you but that's the honest truth.
I'm done with you, but you just aren't done with me.
And in the beginning of the semester, when you said that even if that day was the last time we talked to each other, you still wanted to get things off your chest. Well you got things off your chest and I agreed to whatever you said. That we should still be friends and be the same we were. Except, I don't really want to be your friend anymore. I feel like you're suffocating me with your friendship and your ideals. I'm not even 20 years old yet and you expect me to commit to you like you, who has experienced life so much more, have committed to me.
I want to give you closure, but I also want my space. I don't want to hurt you, but either way you're going to. I'm a selfish, manipulative bitch and yet you still look at me and tell me you love me and you want to be around me. Why? Maybe I am throwing away the best thing that's going to happen to me, but at this point it doesn't even matter because I'm so sick of saying and doing the same things over and over again.
I hate how it's now that you realize how much you need me and love me. Why couldn't it have been last semester when I was willing to give you a chance? I won't do that now. You deserve someone who can love you back and I feel like I deserve someone who knows how important I am when they have me. It's too late for you to try to change things and that's what I've been trying to tell you this whole time.
I was close to giving in and getting in a relationship with you again just so you can leave me alone. Except, I realized that no matter what you say, I don't believe that things will be that much better. The feelings involved are different and I don't want to go through that cycle again. I gave you so many chances and you threw them away. It's too late for you to come back and tell me that you need me and want me.
Why don't you get it? You're too late! I'm over you and maybe I used you to get over you and I'm sorry. But now I guess you know what if feels like for the person you care a lot about act like they're forced to talk to you. I spent so many months being that person that tried so hard to please you. Maybe it's payback for the shit you put me through. I don't know.
All I know is that when we hang out, I'm not happy. I always wonder what you're thinking and I'm scared you want to get back together with me. I'm stressed when I hang out with you and I have to act like the person you want me to act. The fun person - the girl you fell in love with. I'm not happy when I'm around you because I there's always the shadow of your unhappiness and my dissatisfaction with the way our relationship went.
I know you don't understand how I can just throw everything away. Well I don't understand how you can expect by telling me that you didn't know how much you needed me until I was gone is really going to melt my heart. It's not. It's to a point where I don't really care what you say because I know you're just going to go back to the same point. And I don't want to get back together with you. I say a lot of things to appease you, but that's the only thing I've been truly honest about. I'm not as truthful as I used to preach. I hate liars, but I lie so much.
This is a rant of all the things that I've been saying to you, but you won't listen. Maybe by reading it, you'll finally realize that I am a cold, heartless bitch and I don't even know if I want to be your friend anymore. I want us both to move on and, I've been saying this since the beginning, I don't know if being friends is going to help that process.
I understand that it's not easy, but that's the honest truth - at least for me.
In the end, though, I promised you I'd try to help you ween yourself off me. And I'll stick to that promise. I'll see you on Saturday.