Looking Up
When I walk into my old office to pick him up from work, they look at me and say how much I have changed in just a matter of weeks. "You look your age now!" or "You look so happy!" These are the two comments I seem to conjure up most now, which only makes me happier. I am losing weight by keeping up with my walking regimen, my skin and dermatitis are clearing up, I feel lighter and happier, and I actually like the person that I see in the mirror now. A woman at my new job said that I had a beautiful smile last week. It made me feel extremely good because I really feel that my smiles are so much more genuine now. I think my new place of employment agrees with me, for now at least. I'm still in that honeymoon stage as it is only my second week on the job...but for now, and I am probably jinxing myself for this, but I will say that I love it.
The children there seem so nervous, afraid, angry, and most of all, hurt. They are shells of what children should be, and it saddens me so much. But it also makes me want to reach out to them even more. Against the face of sadness, there is also so much humour, love, patience, and understanding. So many nice people that walk the halls and greet you for no reason whatsoever. They just want to say hello, and have a good day! This concept is so foreign to me after coming from such a negative place before. I wondered out loud to Andres the other night if the reason everybody is so incredibly nice there is because they are overcompensating for an environment that is so sad and rigid. I think the negative energy that ran rampant at my old job had more to do with the fact that GREED was the number one thing to work towards. Working in the Juvenile Detention Center, I see that the people there are not trying to lock these kids up and forget about them, but are trying to educate them, to work with and counsel them, to get them off of the path that will only lead to another downfall in an already hard life. They are working for the betterment of society, instead of the betterment and rise of commericialism. I hope to gain a more sincere sense of satisfaction from my new workplace, instead of feeling so drained as I did before.
Andres had business meetings in San Antonio over the weekend, and so I accompanied him. We have been missing each other since we no longer work with each other. It is harder than I thought to be separated from him after working with him for the past two years. I miss him so much at times but I just have to learn how to adjust to not seeing him every minute of the day. We had an amazing time in San Antonio, though, even if we were really only there for a night and half a day on Sunday. On the Riverwalk, we saw a couple kissing. Even as the crowded ferry passed by and the men sitting across from us began to hoot and holler at them, they were not distracted in the least bit. It was so romantic, and beautiful. I wondered how long they had been together: were they a new couple, on their first date, together for five years, or newlyweds? It was then that Andres leaned over, smiled, and kissed me lightly on my lips. I couldn't help but wonder what the people on the boat thought of us, if they could see through these small gestures of affection to the years etched in our eyes, or if they wondered the same thoughts I did of the young couple beaneath the underpass. He makes me so incredibly happy, and though we are going through so many changes right now, we seem to only be getting stronger together. I think we deserve this after so much of the crap that we had to fight through in the past.
I have been writing in my paper journal everyday for the past three months. It feels wonderful to fill up the pages, even though I miss posting here on a regular basis. I miss the connections that online journaling provides, but I need to find a way to balance the more private thoughts I write in my paper journal with what I want to share here.