Punch Ghandi And Win A Free Ipod!*
As the threat of senioritis looms and becomes ever more apparent in my peers, I have found it necessary to take action against such an impending force in the form of many extracurricular activities throughout the next few weeks. Last week, I participated in Literary Fest, where I walked away with a First Place in the Essay category for my paper "Cannibalism: Hard To Swallow?" (The review of this paper hailed it as "well thought out" and "thoroughly disgusting.") This past weekend, I have been the Japanese representative for the Historical Security Council of 1967 at the Model UN conference in Wheaton. Our main objective was to solve the Israeli-Arab conflict which culminated in the Six-Day War. This activity accounts for much of the diction in this entry, which the more perceptive of my readers may have gathered is entirely too fucking formal. My apologies to readers who have been put off by the use of big ol' million dollar words, but it's quite hard to come down from the real ultimate diplomatic power wielded by this fictitious group of delegates. My, that was a crazy game of international diplomacy. Thus, in the spirit of the world of political make-believe I have just been privy to, the rest of this entry will be written as if these events had actually taken place. We'll start by going to The Daily Show, where Senior Correspondent Steven Colbert gave this report to host John Stewart:
Colbert: Sparks are a-flyin' with the UN Security Council, John. Denmark and the USSR are early head-butters on this issue, and, speaking as an observer stuck in the middle with Jews, I can definitely predict a bit of action on the side between the representatives of both these contentious nations. You know what they say, John, opposites attract. I say this with full diplomatic passivity: I would definitely not want to be that mattress tonight.
Stewart: But what of the issue of resolving to deploy peacekeeping troops?
Colbert: John, I foresee that the only troops that will be deployed will be covered with ripped pieces of rubber.
Stewart: Steven, don't you think you're being a touch...grody?
Colbert: The human body is a beautiful thing. The sooner the nations realize that peace can only be achieved when the countries are getting a piece, the sooner this conflict can be resolved.
Stewart: You're quite the idealist there, believing that love can make a difference in foreign policy.
Colbert: Idealist, John? Or pervert? Nobody said anything about love here. In this tense, frustrating, and erotically charged atmosphere, the only thing that seems to make a difference would be a big, throbbing, meaty Caucus (read: COCKUS).
Stewart: Thank you very much, Steve. Steven Colbert, everybody! We'll be right back.
After much deliberation upon this conflict, involving a walkout by the representatives of Denmark, Canada and India, a conclusion was reached and the Six-Day War was ended after a ceasefire. However, this peace was shortlived when it announced that China had been testing nuclear weapons and had bombed Taiwan without provocation. (Editor's note from 2005: This was quite a curveball, as it was the first news that we had gotten that was not based on historical fact.) The UN, however, not being the brightest matches in the book, did not understand this warning and no action was taken until China decided to bomb Tokyo. Speaking as the representative for Japan, I took this moment to say, unequivocally, HOLY FUCKING SHIT ASS MOTHAFUQ. Unfortunately, the committee could not make any decisions because the People's Republic of China was not recognized as a country by the UN. Reports circulated that Tokyo was almost entirely decimated as a result of the hydrogen bomb dropped and that the few survivors were killing each other in order to obtain more of the limited supplies for themselves. As there was much controversy whether or not to admit the Communist country of China (with Nigeria and Denmark being outspoken supporters of recognizing their sovereignty), the UN was essentially deadlocked.
So action was taken. India was first to act, noting that, as they shared a border with China, they had taken military measures to ensure that China did not overstep these boundaries and that they were essentially at war with China. The United States Of America similarly declared war and sent troops into China. Canada also declared war on China, sending 8,000 Mounties and 4,000 gallons of maple syrup. (It was still in bottles, so presumably these bottles caused many injuries when they were dropped from planes.) Japan, a pacifist nation, thanked these countries for their refusal to surrender to the plague of inactivity, and declared that they had put the "fist" back into "pacifist." France preferred to keep out of the situation altogether. There was some opposition to Canada's unprecedented warfare, and so Ontario separated from Canada to form another country called Groovesylvania (Ambassador Tobin switched sides at this point from Canada to Groovesylvania). Another report was released that stated that China had bombed Nigeria and that the family of the delegate from Denmark had been taken hostage by a troop from Tibet. At this point, America noted the tensions in Canada and annexed the entirety of Canada into a nation called the United Confederate States of the Upper Americas. In the meantime, France sent a private note to Japan saying "We'll send you nukes if you don't tell anybody." Their plan was apparently to sell all the countries nuclear weapons secretly so that, when all the countries destroy each other with warfare, they could stand tall and declare themselves emperors of the world. This backfired, however, when Japan decided to use their nuclear weapons to bomb France, along with India, the United States of America, Canada, Nigeria, Denmark, the USSR, Argentina, and itself by mistake. The council then got word that Australia was no more. It was reported that the continent had been bombed by an unknown force and that, due to the force of the blast, the remnants of its land had become engulfed by the surrounding waters and sunk into the ocean. With the world in such a state, we decided our work was done and adjourned our committee until next year.
Now, of course, if any of that previous paragraph was true, the year 2005 would exist only in the minds of hack science fiction writers and this LiveJournal would not exist at the rate we were going. That's why this was only a Model UN; to remind ourselves what the UN is capable of. The ambassador from Nigeria seemed to take this all a touch too seriously, telling the nations that it was "not amused by the continued mockery of this council." But it wasn't as much of a mockery as it seemed. The keynote speaker at the beginning noted that it is always up to the United Nations to keep peace throughout the world. By going nuke-crazy, we attempted to teach a lesson that peace cannot always come easily and that any acts of violence must be used with extreme caution and after much careful deliberation of the consequences. The decisions the UN makes have the opportunity to destroy the world in a very real way, and the insanity of the closing stages of the meetings only served to make that abundantly clear to all involved. Nigeria obviously did not understand the satire and unfortunately may not have learned as much from this meeting as his peers did. In the words of the famed poet and spokesman for a generation Steven Morrissey, "if it's not love, then it's the bomb that will bring us together." In closing, I believe we should continue in this vein and speculate that, if these events took place, Morrissey's songs would have been written a touch differently...
I was happy in the haze of the UN's power
But heaven knows I'm councilling now
I was looking for a threat and then I found a threat
And heaven knows I'm councilling now
In my country
Why do I give valuable sanctions
To countries that don't care if I live or die?
Two countries entwined in a bitter brawl
And heaven knows I'm councilling now
Oh, you've been a pacifist too long she said
And I, naturally, abstained
In my country
Why do I give valuable sanctions
To countries that don't care if I live or die?
What the breaking news said at the end of the day,
Gamal Nassar would have blushed
Oh, you've been occupied for too long, she said,
And I, naturally, bombed
In my country
Why do I smile
At countries that I'd much rather
bomb from the sky?....
Colbert: Sparks are a-flyin' with the UN Security Council, John. Denmark and the USSR are early head-butters on this issue, and, speaking as an observer stuck in the middle with Jews, I can definitely predict a bit of action on the side between the representatives of both these contentious nations. You know what they say, John, opposites attract. I say this with full diplomatic passivity: I would definitely not want to be that mattress tonight.
Stewart: But what of the issue of resolving to deploy peacekeeping troops?
Colbert: John, I foresee that the only troops that will be deployed will be covered with ripped pieces of rubber.
Stewart: Steven, don't you think you're being a touch...grody?
Colbert: The human body is a beautiful thing. The sooner the nations realize that peace can only be achieved when the countries are getting a piece, the sooner this conflict can be resolved.
Stewart: You're quite the idealist there, believing that love can make a difference in foreign policy.
Colbert: Idealist, John? Or pervert? Nobody said anything about love here. In this tense, frustrating, and erotically charged atmosphere, the only thing that seems to make a difference would be a big, throbbing, meaty Caucus (read: COCKUS).
Stewart: Thank you very much, Steve. Steven Colbert, everybody! We'll be right back.
After much deliberation upon this conflict, involving a walkout by the representatives of Denmark, Canada and India, a conclusion was reached and the Six-Day War was ended after a ceasefire. However, this peace was shortlived when it announced that China had been testing nuclear weapons and had bombed Taiwan without provocation. (Editor's note from 2005: This was quite a curveball, as it was the first news that we had gotten that was not based on historical fact.) The UN, however, not being the brightest matches in the book, did not understand this warning and no action was taken until China decided to bomb Tokyo. Speaking as the representative for Japan, I took this moment to say, unequivocally, HOLY FUCKING SHIT ASS MOTHAFUQ. Unfortunately, the committee could not make any decisions because the People's Republic of China was not recognized as a country by the UN. Reports circulated that Tokyo was almost entirely decimated as a result of the hydrogen bomb dropped and that the few survivors were killing each other in order to obtain more of the limited supplies for themselves. As there was much controversy whether or not to admit the Communist country of China (with Nigeria and Denmark being outspoken supporters of recognizing their sovereignty), the UN was essentially deadlocked.
So action was taken. India was first to act, noting that, as they shared a border with China, they had taken military measures to ensure that China did not overstep these boundaries and that they were essentially at war with China. The United States Of America similarly declared war and sent troops into China. Canada also declared war on China, sending 8,000 Mounties and 4,000 gallons of maple syrup. (It was still in bottles, so presumably these bottles caused many injuries when they were dropped from planes.) Japan, a pacifist nation, thanked these countries for their refusal to surrender to the plague of inactivity, and declared that they had put the "fist" back into "pacifist." France preferred to keep out of the situation altogether. There was some opposition to Canada's unprecedented warfare, and so Ontario separated from Canada to form another country called Groovesylvania (Ambassador Tobin switched sides at this point from Canada to Groovesylvania). Another report was released that stated that China had bombed Nigeria and that the family of the delegate from Denmark had been taken hostage by a troop from Tibet. At this point, America noted the tensions in Canada and annexed the entirety of Canada into a nation called the United Confederate States of the Upper Americas. In the meantime, France sent a private note to Japan saying "We'll send you nukes if you don't tell anybody." Their plan was apparently to sell all the countries nuclear weapons secretly so that, when all the countries destroy each other with warfare, they could stand tall and declare themselves emperors of the world. This backfired, however, when Japan decided to use their nuclear weapons to bomb France, along with India, the United States of America, Canada, Nigeria, Denmark, the USSR, Argentina, and itself by mistake. The council then got word that Australia was no more. It was reported that the continent had been bombed by an unknown force and that, due to the force of the blast, the remnants of its land had become engulfed by the surrounding waters and sunk into the ocean. With the world in such a state, we decided our work was done and adjourned our committee until next year.
Now, of course, if any of that previous paragraph was true, the year 2005 would exist only in the minds of hack science fiction writers and this LiveJournal would not exist at the rate we were going. That's why this was only a Model UN; to remind ourselves what the UN is capable of. The ambassador from Nigeria seemed to take this all a touch too seriously, telling the nations that it was "not amused by the continued mockery of this council." But it wasn't as much of a mockery as it seemed. The keynote speaker at the beginning noted that it is always up to the United Nations to keep peace throughout the world. By going nuke-crazy, we attempted to teach a lesson that peace cannot always come easily and that any acts of violence must be used with extreme caution and after much careful deliberation of the consequences. The decisions the UN makes have the opportunity to destroy the world in a very real way, and the insanity of the closing stages of the meetings only served to make that abundantly clear to all involved. Nigeria obviously did not understand the satire and unfortunately may not have learned as much from this meeting as his peers did. In the words of the famed poet and spokesman for a generation Steven Morrissey, "if it's not love, then it's the bomb that will bring us together." In closing, I believe we should continue in this vein and speculate that, if these events took place, Morrissey's songs would have been written a touch differently...
I was happy in the haze of the UN's power
But heaven knows I'm councilling now
I was looking for a threat and then I found a threat
And heaven knows I'm councilling now
In my country
Why do I give valuable sanctions
To countries that don't care if I live or die?
Two countries entwined in a bitter brawl
And heaven knows I'm councilling now
Oh, you've been a pacifist too long she said
And I, naturally, abstained
In my country
Why do I give valuable sanctions
To countries that don't care if I live or die?
What the breaking news said at the end of the day,
Gamal Nassar would have blushed
Oh, you've been occupied for too long, she said,
And I, naturally, bombed
In my country
Why do I smile
At countries that I'd much rather
bomb from the sky?....