(no subject)
i don't know why i'm sitting alone at home while everyone else is out. either at the bars, or out socializing. this whole week i've been saying, as soon as i finish my finals, i'm totally going out, i'm going to go to the bars and relax.
but then i'm sitting here by myself and chris is even out without me. for some reason i just feel like being idle after all this stress, and although i'm sorry that i flaked and said right before we were supposed to go out that i didnt want to anymore, that i was tired...you get all frustrated and you say it's like when i get annoyed when people flake out on me. but i just fucking went through finals and although i dont want to make and excuses or exceptions for myself, i believe its different. and then you go and you make me feel like i should be guilty for not going out, for not getting all primed and pretty and just sitting here. and apparently you think that if i just go out, ill like it, and ill thank you for dragging me out of the house, and why amd i just fighting it? fighting what? i'm tired, no, i'm exhausted and you cant understand that i just want to be fucking STILL just for part of a day. just sit and not do anything at all.
and i hate the fact that you think you know what's going on in my head, but the more you think you know me it feels like you dont. like if my eyebrow goes up in just this way, you say the exact same thing: "you disagree, you don't believe me, you think i'm wrong."
and you just cant come to that kind of conclusion, when ill i'm trying to do is just fucking LISTEN to you while trying so hard not to be more frustrated than i really am.
the truth is i just want you to ask how i'm doing, see if i'm okay.... and not think that just getting up and showering and getting ready and putting on some makeup is going to solve it all. it's not going to. it's not going to make me feel any less tired.
the fact is that it scares me shitless when i want nothing to do with the world, but i (still) dont know how to handle this feeling yet. part of me wants to go. but part of me is so tired and so uneager to go out and meet people and just be in the same room as other people in some bar or some other kind of social setting where i just automatically dislike everyone because i'm really feeling like they already dislike me. and i know it sounds petty and antisocial, but i know that if i went out right now i'd hate the place i was in and would try and tell myself that i'm better than everyone else in the room because in all reality, i really feel like i'm not worth shit.
but then i'm sitting here by myself and chris is even out without me. for some reason i just feel like being idle after all this stress, and although i'm sorry that i flaked and said right before we were supposed to go out that i didnt want to anymore, that i was tired...you get all frustrated and you say it's like when i get annoyed when people flake out on me. but i just fucking went through finals and although i dont want to make and excuses or exceptions for myself, i believe its different. and then you go and you make me feel like i should be guilty for not going out, for not getting all primed and pretty and just sitting here. and apparently you think that if i just go out, ill like it, and ill thank you for dragging me out of the house, and why amd i just fighting it? fighting what? i'm tired, no, i'm exhausted and you cant understand that i just want to be fucking STILL just for part of a day. just sit and not do anything at all.
and i hate the fact that you think you know what's going on in my head, but the more you think you know me it feels like you dont. like if my eyebrow goes up in just this way, you say the exact same thing: "you disagree, you don't believe me, you think i'm wrong."
and you just cant come to that kind of conclusion, when ill i'm trying to do is just fucking LISTEN to you while trying so hard not to be more frustrated than i really am.
the truth is i just want you to ask how i'm doing, see if i'm okay.... and not think that just getting up and showering and getting ready and putting on some makeup is going to solve it all. it's not going to. it's not going to make me feel any less tired.
the fact is that it scares me shitless when i want nothing to do with the world, but i (still) dont know how to handle this feeling yet. part of me wants to go. but part of me is so tired and so uneager to go out and meet people and just be in the same room as other people in some bar or some other kind of social setting where i just automatically dislike everyone because i'm really feeling like they already dislike me. and i know it sounds petty and antisocial, but i know that if i went out right now i'd hate the place i was in and would try and tell myself that i'm better than everyone else in the room because in all reality, i really feel like i'm not worth shit.