"Angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient, heavenly connection..."
"...to the starry dynamo, in the machinery of night..."
Came across a bunch of old pictures, logs, and music.
Among those were my Smashing Pumpkins MP3's, Daft Punk, and some older Aquagen/New Order stuff.
Also, found some old pictures from when I first met Taylor. That was kinda interesting to see. Forgot what she looked like back then. And pictures of Mike when we were in school together... Very interesting to see how much some people changed over the years.
Funnier still to see how much i've changed the past few years, physically. Which is essentially... Not at all.
Still skinny, still tall, still pale. Only thing that's changed is my erratic/undecided hair length and my face sprouting hair.
Still look the same, still sound the same. Funny how from my perspective, I still sound like i'm 11. It's saddening.
I think what bothers me the most, is that some people see me so differently now? But nothing's changed. At all. I'm still me, in here. I realized that on my own, a few weeks back. So why such hostility? Why such worry? I know what i'm doing, people.
Even if my life is doing this odd... Swerving thing.
Yeah. So I don't REALLY understand what's going on with me, right now. I guess maybe i'm clutching onto my past again, for answers. But there's nothing there I haven't heard before. I don't know why I waste my time remembering certain things.
Why would someone waste days of their life replaying a game, or listening to a music playlist that reminds them of a time in their lives that they were exceedingly happy, if it meant dealing with the eventual realization that you ended up totally miserable, and unfit for social interaction?
Also, why the fuck would someone read through logs they KNEW they got insulted/lied to in? It's like your own personal torture. What the fuck is going on with me?
Half of me thinks I should go into hermit mode again. Hide from everyone, and just watch from the sidelines like a ninja. The other half thinks I should join the Marines or the Army, and just get the fuck away from everything driving me nuts. Who knows... Maybe then i'd have an interesting job?
I have so many issues in my life that I haven't solved. It's been 3 years. You'd think i'd have found a way to fill certain gaps and crevices. But nope... Still thinking about it. A lot.
"I've been having recurring dreams of you. Five days a week. For the past 6 years."
Things might be a bit easier if I felt like I could REALLY trust someone. And I don't just mean... "Oh my god, I can talk to you and not feel like you'd fuck me over for advice."
I mean... Not feel like they were going to fall in love with me, and ruin the friendship. Or not tip-toe around and use my friendship as a platform to get their own help.
People, in all their simplicity and neverending fucking stupidity, never cease to be so god damned complex and unbearably treacherous.
But hey... That's just normal.
Ridiculous, really...
‡Justin‡
Came across a bunch of old pictures, logs, and music.
Among those were my Smashing Pumpkins MP3's, Daft Punk, and some older Aquagen/New Order stuff.
Also, found some old pictures from when I first met Taylor. That was kinda interesting to see. Forgot what she looked like back then. And pictures of Mike when we were in school together... Very interesting to see how much some people changed over the years.
Funnier still to see how much i've changed the past few years, physically. Which is essentially... Not at all.
Still skinny, still tall, still pale. Only thing that's changed is my erratic/undecided hair length and my face sprouting hair.
Still look the same, still sound the same. Funny how from my perspective, I still sound like i'm 11. It's saddening.
I think what bothers me the most, is that some people see me so differently now? But nothing's changed. At all. I'm still me, in here. I realized that on my own, a few weeks back. So why such hostility? Why such worry? I know what i'm doing, people.
Even if my life is doing this odd... Swerving thing.
Yeah. So I don't REALLY understand what's going on with me, right now. I guess maybe i'm clutching onto my past again, for answers. But there's nothing there I haven't heard before. I don't know why I waste my time remembering certain things.
Why would someone waste days of their life replaying a game, or listening to a music playlist that reminds them of a time in their lives that they were exceedingly happy, if it meant dealing with the eventual realization that you ended up totally miserable, and unfit for social interaction?
Also, why the fuck would someone read through logs they KNEW they got insulted/lied to in? It's like your own personal torture. What the fuck is going on with me?
Half of me thinks I should go into hermit mode again. Hide from everyone, and just watch from the sidelines like a ninja. The other half thinks I should join the Marines or the Army, and just get the fuck away from everything driving me nuts. Who knows... Maybe then i'd have an interesting job?
I have so many issues in my life that I haven't solved. It's been 3 years. You'd think i'd have found a way to fill certain gaps and crevices. But nope... Still thinking about it. A lot.
"I've been having recurring dreams of you. Five days a week. For the past 6 years."
Things might be a bit easier if I felt like I could REALLY trust someone. And I don't just mean... "Oh my god, I can talk to you and not feel like you'd fuck me over for advice."
I mean... Not feel like they were going to fall in love with me, and ruin the friendship. Or not tip-toe around and use my friendship as a platform to get their own help.
People, in all their simplicity and neverending fucking stupidity, never cease to be so god damned complex and unbearably treacherous.
But hey... That's just normal.
Ridiculous, really...
‡Justin‡