(no subject)
My bones are fucking FREEEEEZING. I feel like some dropped my legs in a vat of IceeHot. Minus the "Hot". It's like Chuck Norris delivered a roundhouse kick to my spine, and cut off all circulation to my lower body.
Oh yeah, by the way. It's 2006. New Year. Time to get fucked by a whole new set of people. Hopefully not physically, either. I love being right. My ego gets fucking huge.
Me and Kitty had this gigantic arguement 5 days ago, about how she couldn't keep from kissing/fucking a guy for 6 months? To see if she could understand what it was like for me when i was trying to get Cristina to see me?... And she lasted until last night. I fucking died. It was like... "OMGWTFBBQPWNT!"... Then... "Eww. Shit. I had sex with her. -_o;;"... And then i felt violated in a way only a prison bitch would understand. And it hit me that i SERIOUSLY need to up my pre-requisites for a girlfriend, this year. So here they are:
1. No use of the words "Accidentally" when referring to relationships. This includes, but is not limited to: "Yeah. This guy accidentally fingered me.", "Yeah. I accidentally cheated on my boyfriend.", and my personal favorite... "I accidentally told my ex that we were dating, and he has a history with stabbing people."
2. No blondes, unless she is ABSOLUTELY worth the blonde hair. Intelligent, sweet, witty... She has to have those qualities in abundance. I have a horrid past with ex's who are blondes who've cheated on me, toyed with me, or gotten what they want and moved on.
3. I must, at some point, date one girl i'd never think of dating at all. Just to see how it works out. Preferabbly a Nazi/White Supremesist. They're always so fiesty.
4. No girls with the names "Rosetta", "Danielle", "Erika", "Rachel", "Amanda", "Tori", "Allison", or "Michelle". Just how it is. I get bad vibes from those names.
5. She must understand my jokes. Even my crazy Vin Diesel/Chuck Norris jokes. Like... "Johnny Appleseed's story was inspired by Chuck Norris. Minus the part about the planting apple tree's, and not raping men".
6. She's gotta have ATLEAST one tattoo. Tattoo = Pain Tolerance. Pain Tolerance = Kinky/Emotionally Hardened. Either one, i'm all for. :)
7. She has to like Depeche Mode. No way around it.
8. She can't be overly sexual. That causes me to be, in return. Thus, too much touching of naughty bits leads to valuable conversation time wasted.
9. She has to be some sort of drawn artist. Painting, Sketching, Etc... Poetry is over-rated.
10. She has to understand how to use "Pwnzer Dragoon", "Pwn't", and "PWNIFIED!" in a scentence.
11. She has to laugh everytime i say... "What!? You pooped in the refridgerator?!"
12. She has to make an ORIGINAL joke about me. Mentioning my skinnyness or my resemblance to a anorexic Keanu Reeves does not count.
13. She has to have an appreciation for small things. Candles, Sunsets, the Moon on a cloudless night...
14. She has to know how/when to touch me or not. When it's ok to ruffle my hair, or when it's best to simply trail her fingers across my cheek.
15. She has to understand the significance of "The Crow" to me, and understand why it's story relates to my life.
16. She can never question my affection for her. It's ok to ask if i love you. But please don't ask why. If i do? I do. There's no explanation needed. If you want compliments, then ask me what i think.
17. If she can divide by zero, she automatically wins.
18. She has to refuse to let me talk about any ex. Ever. She has to flat out tell me... "Shut up. You're with me now. I don't care about those girls, i'm better."
19. She must understand the beauty of violins, or play one.
20. If Slipknot is ANYWHERE in her "Top 10" Music list? She automatically loses. Slipknot is for posers, and morons who can't find better metal. Iced Earth, Iron Maiden, Pantera, Megadeth... THAT'S Metal. Slipknot is fucking kiddy shit. Regardless, i'm not a big metal fan.
21. She must own a pair of boots. I require an ass-stomping sidekick, too.
22. She has to look like she belongs with me. Shorter than me by a bit, close to my size in width, bright eyes, pale skin... I have to be able to look at her and go... "She looks right with me. I see it when i stand with her"... Knowing that you and another fit physically and mentally is a completely euphoric feeling. It's close to perfection.
23. She must be one of the following: Neo-Pagan, Atheist, Agnostic. No Satanists or Christians. Relaxed Catholics? Maybe. But i've dated too many Christians/"Satanists".
24. She has to mean what she says. If you love me? Mean it.
25. Trendyness is the worst way to get into my heart. Originality is the fastest way to my heart. With the exception of Chuck Norris' fist.
So, there's the list. Long, i know. But if a girl comes along that fits that? I've found my right girl. Of course, i'm GOING to make an exception, at some point. One of my journal readers, probally. *cough*... Anyways. I'm off to bed. It's been 45 minutes. I'm tired. So goodnight.
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Oh yeah, by the way. It's 2006. New Year. Time to get fucked by a whole new set of people. Hopefully not physically, either. I love being right. My ego gets fucking huge.
Me and Kitty had this gigantic arguement 5 days ago, about how she couldn't keep from kissing/fucking a guy for 6 months? To see if she could understand what it was like for me when i was trying to get Cristina to see me?... And she lasted until last night. I fucking died. It was like... "OMGWTFBBQPWNT!"... Then... "Eww. Shit. I had sex with her. -_o;;"... And then i felt violated in a way only a prison bitch would understand. And it hit me that i SERIOUSLY need to up my pre-requisites for a girlfriend, this year. So here they are:
1. No use of the words "Accidentally" when referring to relationships. This includes, but is not limited to: "Yeah. This guy accidentally fingered me.", "Yeah. I accidentally cheated on my boyfriend.", and my personal favorite... "I accidentally told my ex that we were dating, and he has a history with stabbing people."
2. No blondes, unless she is ABSOLUTELY worth the blonde hair. Intelligent, sweet, witty... She has to have those qualities in abundance. I have a horrid past with ex's who are blondes who've cheated on me, toyed with me, or gotten what they want and moved on.
3. I must, at some point, date one girl i'd never think of dating at all. Just to see how it works out. Preferabbly a Nazi/White Supremesist. They're always so fiesty.
4. No girls with the names "Rosetta", "Danielle", "Erika", "Rachel", "Amanda", "Tori", "Allison", or "Michelle". Just how it is. I get bad vibes from those names.
5. She must understand my jokes. Even my crazy Vin Diesel/Chuck Norris jokes. Like... "Johnny Appleseed's story was inspired by Chuck Norris. Minus the part about the planting apple tree's, and not raping men".
6. She's gotta have ATLEAST one tattoo. Tattoo = Pain Tolerance. Pain Tolerance = Kinky/Emotionally Hardened. Either one, i'm all for. :)
7. She has to like Depeche Mode. No way around it.
8. She can't be overly sexual. That causes me to be, in return. Thus, too much touching of naughty bits leads to valuable conversation time wasted.
9. She has to be some sort of drawn artist. Painting, Sketching, Etc... Poetry is over-rated.
10. She has to understand how to use "Pwnzer Dragoon", "Pwn't", and "PWNIFIED!" in a scentence.
11. She has to laugh everytime i say... "What!? You pooped in the refridgerator?!"
12. She has to make an ORIGINAL joke about me. Mentioning my skinnyness or my resemblance to a anorexic Keanu Reeves does not count.
13. She has to have an appreciation for small things. Candles, Sunsets, the Moon on a cloudless night...
14. She has to know how/when to touch me or not. When it's ok to ruffle my hair, or when it's best to simply trail her fingers across my cheek.
15. She has to understand the significance of "The Crow" to me, and understand why it's story relates to my life.
16. She can never question my affection for her. It's ok to ask if i love you. But please don't ask why. If i do? I do. There's no explanation needed. If you want compliments, then ask me what i think.
17. If she can divide by zero, she automatically wins.
18. She has to refuse to let me talk about any ex. Ever. She has to flat out tell me... "Shut up. You're with me now. I don't care about those girls, i'm better."
19. She must understand the beauty of violins, or play one.
20. If Slipknot is ANYWHERE in her "Top 10" Music list? She automatically loses. Slipknot is for posers, and morons who can't find better metal. Iced Earth, Iron Maiden, Pantera, Megadeth... THAT'S Metal. Slipknot is fucking kiddy shit. Regardless, i'm not a big metal fan.
21. She must own a pair of boots. I require an ass-stomping sidekick, too.
22. She has to look like she belongs with me. Shorter than me by a bit, close to my size in width, bright eyes, pale skin... I have to be able to look at her and go... "She looks right with me. I see it when i stand with her"... Knowing that you and another fit physically and mentally is a completely euphoric feeling. It's close to perfection.
23. She must be one of the following: Neo-Pagan, Atheist, Agnostic. No Satanists or Christians. Relaxed Catholics? Maybe. But i've dated too many Christians/"Satanists".
24. She has to mean what she says. If you love me? Mean it.
25. Trendyness is the worst way to get into my heart. Originality is the fastest way to my heart. With the exception of Chuck Norris' fist.
So, there's the list. Long, i know. But if a girl comes along that fits that? I've found my right girl. Of course, i'm GOING to make an exception, at some point. One of my journal readers, probally. *cough*... Anyways. I'm off to bed. It's been 45 minutes. I'm tired. So goodnight.
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